FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 17

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 17 April 24, 2006

First of all its crazy here with the wedding a week away.
I went to Milwaukee for a shower and stayed overnight to
see my doctor who gave me great news. I lost 15 pounds
since I saw him 9 months ago!

Then I finally got home ready to do this and Blogger
(where this is stored when I work on it) was due to be
down for maintenance so I went out for a walk. It was
gorgeous and I took the camera so I got lots of
spring flower pictures to use in my websites.

No Fun on the Web next week since its the wedding
weekend then. My son is being married and I have relatives
arriving from both coasts. I will resume publishing on the
following Monday, May 8. Don't forget Mother's Day and if
you need something for Mom, Ebay has started an Express
Checkout system. Here is a link to my items there:
http://search.express.ebay.com/merchant/baubles-and-bling-bling_W0QQ_pgnZ9QQ_tosZ1

Mike sent this amusing parody based in a commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JitBPwM4Kmk

But I found this one handed guitar solo just amazing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hAIHrdrCXI

Reuters has video clip news now: http://today.reuters.com/tv/videoChannel.aspx?storyid=caea17626b61e16db6fc41fd655c15bd79394df7

I found it in their odly enough news blog
http://blogs.reuters.com/category/themes/oddly-enough/

"A slip-up could be any mistake made by anyone in any
situation. We all probably make many minor slip-ups
every day. This site, however, is mainly concerned with
entertaining slip-ups that are public and can be verified..."
http://www.slipups.com/

In the June 2004 issue, they "published a feature called
Brutally Honest Personals in which single people described
themselves without euphemisms or exaggerations or any
truth-hedging. They then provided, free of charge, an
email address for interested parties to respond to these
Brutally Honest Personals.

Now, they plan to continue to run an ad or two per issue
for the foreseeable future. If you would like to participate,
please submit two paragraphs describing yourself."
http://www.esquire.com/brutal/submit.html

Where they rate everything from Marvel Superheroes
to Hostess Cake Products
http://www.bookofratings.com/archive.html

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum
http://www.rockhall.com/

Play 20 Questions against Artificial Intelligence
http://www.20q.net/index.html

Brain teasers, word games and other puzzles
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/braint.htm

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have many regrets, and I'm sure everyone does. The
stupid things you do, you regret... if you have any sense,
and if you don't regret them, maybe you're stupid.
~~ Katharine Hepburn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
~~ Katharine Hepburn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone asked someone who was about my age: "How are
you?" The answer was, "Fine. If you don't ask for details."
~~ Katharine Hepburn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each
other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit
now and then. ~~ Katharine Hepburn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why slap them on the wrist with feather when you can
belt them over the head with a sledgehammer.
~~ Katharine Hepburn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
~~ Helen Keller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

My family tree is full of nuts.

If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane
I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again

The early bird still has to eat worms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew
his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three"?

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six"?

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten"?

"A jack," says the little boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every
now and then. One copy repairman had answered question
after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just
smiled and handed them this sheet.

The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.

Thank You

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful.
One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy
what happened. "Oh, nothing," Andy replied.
"It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in
a while."

"Gee, I never knew you played hockey," Josh said.

"No I don't," Andy responded. "I hurt it last year when
I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot
through the television."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Words I'd like to see in the Dictionary
Aquadextrous (adj.) Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast
out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.

Carperpetuation (n.) The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout
on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to
the 'illegal' side.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head
and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they
want ground pepper.

Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shamelessly stole this from another eBay group

Why Computers Crash
by Dr. Seuss.
(You gotta read this one out loud
- it's great!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a
socket on a port, and the bus is
interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has
an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash, and the
double-clicking icon puts your
window in the trash, and your
data is corrupted cause the index
doesn't hash, then your
situation's hopeless and your
system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the
table at your house, says the
network is connected to the
button on your mouse, but your
packets want to tunnel to another
protocol, that's repeatedly
rejected by the printer down the
hall.

And your screen is all distorted by
the side effects of gauss, so your
icons in the window are as wavy
as a souse; then you may as well
reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the
sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's
getting sloppy in the disk, and the
macro code instructions are
causing unnecessary risk, then
you'll have to flash the
memoryand you'll want to RAM
the ROM,and then quickly
turn off the computer and be
sure to tell your Mom!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a man who had always heard about ice fishing,
so one day she tried it. She went to an icy area, cut a hole,
and started fishing.

All of a sudden, she hears a voice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE!" She ignores it and moves to another area, cutting
a hole, and beginning to fish again.

Again she hears the booming voice. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE!!" She is starting to get freaked out now.

"Lord? Is that you?" she asks.

In reply she hears, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Virtual Poetry

Remember when ram meant just a male sheep
And bugs and worms were just things that creep?
When a gopher and a mouse were li'l critters
And virus were microbes that gave one the shivers?

When a web was a sticky net that housed a spider
And nets were just strings all woven together?
When surfing was just riding an ocean wave
And a slip was dodging trouble with a close shave?

When a mime was a painted-face animated mute clown
And hackers were people who slashed things down?
When menus and servers were all about eating
And addresses and homes were places for living?

When Archie and Veronica were actually people
And trolls were pests that were considered mythical?
When mud was just slime and Spam was just food
And to 'finger' someone was not considered good?

When to chat and to talk still needed a voice...?
Now being online has all but mooted that choice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this one

I went into the gas station today and asked for five
dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for these

CLEVER--INTERESTING HOW AN ESSENSE OF THE
PERSON IS CAPTURED and WHO WAS CHOSEN

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of
the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE"
of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how
stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of
having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a
car so that he can just drive across the road and not live
his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road,
or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There
is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have
not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of
the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was
misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now,
and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave
me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone!

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
"other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes,
my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken,
you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until
we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white-
washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as
plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the
heart warming story of how it experienced a serious
case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your check book. Internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform
is much more stable and will never cra....

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is the
definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the
end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell
their stories.

"Johnny do you have a story to share?"

Yes, ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She
was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had
to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small
flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank
the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran
out of bullets,killed four more with the knife, till the
blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
bare hands.

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

" Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 16

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 16 April 17, 2006

Try this great quiz from Erin
http://www.fekids.com/img/kln/flash/DontGrossOutTheWorld.swf

Its the latest Google product Calendar and promises to be
a great addition to the Google suite of products. As always
its free, user intuitive, works well in Firefox 1.5 and
Internet Explorer 6. Its interface operates quickly to
create events, invite guests, and allow others access. http://www.google.com/googlecalendar/overview.html

The Da Vinci Code Quest, a contest with 24 daily puzzles
will give the first 10,000 people who solve all of them
and enter the chance to continue to the final challenge.
That will be a Cryptex with four codes. One will open
the Cryptex and reveal a scroll on how to access the
final challenge,a series of 5 puzzles. Winners receive
trips to New York, London, Paris, and Rome, and Sony
gadgets like HDTVs and VAIO laptops. All to promote
the new movie but pretty cool fun anyway. http://flash.sonypictures.com/movies/davincicodequest/

The Big One in SF was April 18 1906 but the
memories linger and this month there is quite a
series of fascinating articles on that earthquake
along with photos and pioneer newsreels.
http://sfgate.com/greatquake/

The Skeptics View on Remote Viewing
http://www.skepdic.com/remotevw.html

The Best of Everything A Joan Crawford Encyclopedia
http://www.joancrawfordbest.com/

This went right into my reference bookmarks
http://www.usabilityviews.com/simply_google.htm

Geek to live
Don't live to Geek
http://www.lifehacker.com/

Vote for your favorite websites Peoples Choice Webby Awards
http://peoplesvoice.webbyawards.com/login.mhtml

Online gamers unmasked
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/picture_gallery/05/technology_online_gamers_unmasked/html/1.stm

Excellent site on Smithsonian Art Museum
http://americanart.si.edu/index3.cfm

Fictional 15 richest character
http://www.forbes.com/home/lists/2005/11/29/forbes-fictional-rich_cx_mn_de_05fict15land.html

Find out what Congress has REALLY been doing at this
site that chronicles their votes since 1991
http://projects.washingtonpost.com/congress/

Republican truthfullness:
http://www.bradblog.com/archives/00002682.htm

Do you want to swap your paperbacks? These folks
are doing it for only the cost of postage:
http://www.paperbackswap.com/

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are
entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the
new rules, you're allowed to claim up two or more chins
as dependents." ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I saw something kind of odd yesterday I saw Jessica
Simpson decorating eggs and hiding them around her house.
Or as she called it Father's Day!" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Government officials in California now have to pay a one
dollar fine when they use a word that's hard for taxpayers
to understand. In a related story Arnold now owes $50,000."
~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department
announced they will no longer arrest famous people who
break the law. What's the point?" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth
clean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Being defeated is often only a temporary condition.
Giving up is what makes it permanent.
~~ Marilyn vos Savant

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best New Bumper Sticker from Mike

ANYONE LESS STUPID IN 2008

More from Mike

Blind faith in bad leadership is not patriotism

If you're not outraged you're not paying attention

If you supported Bush a yellow ribbon won't make up for it

Support our troops impeach bush

At least in Vietnam we had an exit strategy

Send the twins

Poverty, healthcare & homelessness are moral issues

Remove Bush's feeding tube

Support our troops bring them home now!

Bush lied and you know it

Religious fundamentalism - a threat abroad - a threat at home

God Bless everyone (no exceptions)

Bush spent your social security on his war

The duty of patriots: protect our country from its government
(Thomas Payne)

Election 2004
"The times plague when madmen lead the blind"
William Shakespeare (King Lear)

Pro America - anti Bush

Who would Jesus bomb?

If you support Bush's war why are you still here?

I'd rather have a president who screwed his intern than one
who screwed his country

Jesus was a social activist liberal

My values? Free speech. Equality. Liberty. Education. Tolerance

Is it 2008 yet?

Dissent is the highest form of patriotism
Thomas Jefferson

Don't blame me - I voted against bush twice!

Nobody died when Clinton lied

Of course it hurts. You're getting screwed by an elephant

Annoy a conservative; think for yourself-visualize impeachment

Stop mad cowboy disease

George W. Bush - making terrorists faster than he can kill them

Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?

Hate, greed, ignorance - weapons of mass destruction

Honor our troops - demand the truth

Rebuild Iraq? Why not spend 87 billion on America?

The last time religion controlled politics people got burned at the stake

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Easter jokes.

Why are people always tired in April?
They just finished a March lasting 31 days.

Why did the Easter egg hide?
He was a chicken.

What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
An egghead.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to
his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little
girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where
the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into
a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-
term capital gain?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball
landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water
hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted
and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in
the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball
onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It
headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a
nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by
and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned
pond.

On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced
out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and
snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed
over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped
the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog,
has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,"
says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands:
"Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns
around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that?
You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only
call me when you want something. And then you make me
sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fah-
kahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a
special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of
the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I
could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so
much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all
you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! What could be the
problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not
'Kvetch'".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John went to the doctor because he had bulging eyes and a
persistent ringing in his ears.

The doctor looked him over and suggested removing his
tonsils.

The tonsillectomy resulted in no improvement, so John
consulted a dentist who suggested that removing his teeth
might eliminate the problem.

All of John's teeth were extracted but still his eyes bulged out
and the annoying ringing in his ears continued.

A third doctor told him bluntly, "You have six months to live."

Feeling doomed and gloomy, John decided to treat himself

right while he still had time, so he bought a flashy car, hired

a chauffeur and a gardener, and got himself measured by a

tailor for some new suits. To go along with the new suits, he

decided that even his shirts would be made to order.

"Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurements.

Hmm, thirty-four sleeve, sixteen collar --"

"No, I wear a fifteen collar" John told him.

"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.

"But I've always worn a fifteen collar," said John.

"Listen," said the shirt maker, "I'm telling you right now—if
you keep on wearing a tight fifteen collar, your eyes will bulge
out and you'll have ringing in your ears."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN

Top Ten Signs Your Pilot is Drunk.

1. Midflight asks, "Which one of you losers is the designated
driver?"
2. Invites all passengers to a "layover" in his hotel room.
3. You experience heavy turbulence and you're only taxiing to
the runway.
4. Delays takeoff to de-ice his mojito.
5. Giggling fit every time he says the word "cockpit".
6. At security, passengers remove shoes - he removes pants.
7. Long rambling announcements about what animal shapes
he's seeing in the clouds.
8. In lieu of P.A. safety instructions, he sings "Kung Fu
Fighting".
9. Wings on his hat made of folded cocktail straws.
10. Introduces his co-pilots Johnnie Walker and Jack Daniels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a bus one day were two boys and a middle aged woman
reading her book.

The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on
the subject of spelling.

"It would be spelt W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B"

"No its not. It's spelt W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-
M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B"

The lady leaned over and said, "Excuse me boys, but I think
you'll find the word is spelled W-O-M-B".

The first boy looks at the other, and then back at the lady,
and replies, "Ya know lady, I bet you've never even seen a
hippopotamus, let alone ever heard one fart underwater before!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting
at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of
coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.

Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were
pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of
mornings."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery
store was very surprised when a very attractive woman
behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember
ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she
figured she had made a mistake and apologized.

"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you,
I thought you were the father of one of my children," and
walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What
the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman
who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he
thought but, MAYBE..during one of the wild parties he had
been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her
child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking
lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college
and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the
pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your
son's Catechism teacher!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You Attend A Redneck Church When...

* The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows
how to play one.

* People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.

* When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

* Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.

* A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-
wheel-drive Ford truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of."

* The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

* Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for
communion.

* In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

* There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic
tank.

* Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

* High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
howling.

* People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.

* The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

* The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo) from Bill Miller's Barbecue.

* The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman

1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick
(Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson)

2. When he goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his
plants and grease his bat pole.

3. On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O
mold

4. You hear him on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry
seersucker cowls.

5. Introduces his parents - Carl and Linda Batman.

6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an angry,
knocked-up Catwoman.

7. Is re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and
grappling hook damage.

8. His teen son drove to the prom in the Batmobile.

9. When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and
mutters, "pantywaist".

10. Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash".

[Courtesy of the Late Show with David Letterman]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for these

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

Understanding Engineers- Take One

Two engineering students were biking across a university
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike,threw it on the ground, took off her
clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."

Understanding Engineers-Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.

Understanding Engineers- Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've
been waiting 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such inept golfers!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's
ask him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group
ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of
blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything
he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and
civil engineers?

Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.

Understanding Engineers- Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does
it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much
will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want
fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Six

Four engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look
at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The
nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections."

The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer,
just think about all the reactions taking place each
second in the body."

The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been
a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline
through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers- Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers- Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for
one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do
ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put
it back into his pocket.

Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter
with you?

I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want.

Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 15

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 15 April 10, 2006

Did you miss it? On Wednesday of last week, April 5th, at
two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning,
the time and date was 01:02:03 04/05/06.

More than just the usual viral videos
Cult classic movies and TV too!
http://www.veoh.com/channels.html

John Lee Hooker video
http://www.veoh.com/videoDetails.html?v=e16690&feature=1&offset=20&numResults=20&query=Blues

Speaking of freebies, ebooks and audiobooks here:
http://www.gutenberg.org/

Profitting from basement tour
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4786828.stm

Newest pop star signed by Sony
http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/04/web.thom/index.html

Giggling at these unfortunate birthday cards
http://www.capnwacky.com/cards/bdaycard02.html

Need some deviled egg recipes?
http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/001837deviled_eggs.php

Have you heard about Easter Eggs (the computer kind)
and wondered what they are and how to find them? Here
is a huge collection of them. A true Easter Egg must satisfy
the following criteria: Undocumented, Hidden, and Non-
Obvious, Reproducible, Put There by the Creators for
Personal Reasons, Not Malicious - Easter Eggs are there
for fun, not to do damage and ENTERTAINING!
http://www.eeggs.com/

Fun quiz - do you know more about the First Amendment,
the Simpsons or American Idol?
http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20060301095009990002&ncid=NWS00010000000001

Speaking of American Idol, they added more games (but I
am still addicted to Jewel Miner) and changed their URL
http://www.americanidol.com/games/

Cool puzzles under Fun & Games here:
http://tlc.discovery.com/

Bubblewrap to pop
http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf

Are you safe? See the registered sex offenders locations:
http://www.familywatchdog.us/

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These days an income is something you can't live without--
or within. ~~ Tom Wilson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Howard Dean is in trouble for saying the Republicans are
nothing but a party of white Christians. And today in their
prayers, Republicans thanked God for Howard Dean."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling
them to sit down and shut up. ~~ Phyllis Diller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
~~ William Goldman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush was greeted by protestors wearing President
Bush masks. The president was overheard saying, 'I don't know
who those people are, but their faces look familiar.'"
~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush is back from his Mexican trip. While he was
in Mexico, the people were very nice to him. A lot of people
greeted him with the only English phrases they knew:
'Welcome to Wal-Mart. Can I help you?'" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In a speech yesterday, President Bush told the Iraqi
people to 'get governin'. Then he introduced his new speech
writer, Larry the Cable Guy." ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet
President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down
together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to
Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Any person capable of angering you becomes your master;
he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be
disturbed by him. ~~ Epictetus (55-135 AD) Greek Philosopher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

"Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends
deep inside the earth."

Don't worry 8 out 10 voice in my head tell me not to shoot.

Peace, love & all that $%^*

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be
miserable.

If mama ain't happy no one's happy.

"Organized people are too lazy to search for something"

Seen as a bumper sticker in the parking lot at work:
Better a bleeding heart than no heart at all.

Honk if parts fall off your car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup,
the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medicines.
The young doctor's eyes grew wide as he realized she had a
prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Jones, do you
realize these are birth control pills?>

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"I assure you, NOTHING in these could possibly help you sleep!"

She patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass
of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.
Believe you me, it helps me sleep at night."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember When . . . It was fun being a baby boomer ...
until now!

Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits
with new lyrics to accommodate again baby boomers.
They include:

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely
Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From
Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your
Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the
Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If
You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If
I Want To

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I grew up Catholic, but I hated nuns. When I was a
little girl, I used to dress my Barbie in a nun's habit
so she could beat the hell out of Skipper and not get in
trouble for it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring
at carpeting?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose
hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the
marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff
of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right
of the moose.

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze
that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of
the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left
of the moose.

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him!
We got him!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners
who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he
sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess,
running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get
them".

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway
and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so,
despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside
and shouted, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one
Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind".

The pastor shouted out "CROSS".

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS".

The pastor hollered out "GRACE".

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how
sweet the sound".

The pastor said "POWER".

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX".

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in
shock. They all nervously began to look around at each
other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way
from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old
grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS
MEMORIES".

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies. Laugh often ...
it burns calories.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where
are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra
stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm getting a tetanus shot."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for these 30 Interesting Facts

1. California has issued at least 6 drivers licenses to people
named Jesus Christ.

2. Kangaroos can not walk backwards.

3. 'Jedi' is an official religion, with over 70,000 followers,
in Australia.

4. According to a recent survey, more than half of British
adults have had sex in a public place!

5. Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals
necessary to sustain human life.

6. Nachos is the food most craved by pregnant women.

7. Each year, 24,000 Americans are bitten by rats!

8. Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.

9. The hair of an adult man or woman can stretch 25
percent of its length without breaking.

10. On average, the life span of an American dollar bill
is eighteen months.

11. Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

12. The first domain name ever registered was
Symbolics.com.

13. Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of
chocolate every second.

14. U.S. President Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast
while having his head rubbed with Vaseline.

15. When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of
six feet, normally without being hurt.

16. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

17. The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid
only $35 for the design.

18. How does a shark find fish? It can hear their hearts
beating.

19. Penguins can convert salt water into fresh water.

20. In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy
than all the world's nuclear weapons combined!

21. The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for
collecting taxes after a nuclear war.

22. During WWII, because a lot of players were called to
duty, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Philadelphia Eagles
combined to become The Steagles.

23. Nearly 22,000 checks will be deducted from the
wrong account over the next hour.

24. More than 50% of the people in the world have never
made or received a telephone call.

25. There are more fatal car accidents in July than any
other month.

26. There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are
people in the world.

27. More than 2 million documents will be lost by the IRS
this year.

28. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

29. Washington, D.C. has one lawyer for every 19 residents!

30. Avocados have more protein than any other fruit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Ann for this one:

~~~ The Most Religious Dog ~~~

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to
own an equally fundamentally Christian pet, so, they went
shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed,
they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in
a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They
were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of
their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they
called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were
impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any
of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple
cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called
the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the
man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and
bowed his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back
and realize they were the big things. ~~ Robert Brault

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 14

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 14 April 3, 2006


Great article recommended by Sheila on Guitar Slingers
and their Axes from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=410555



Sheila also sent this site with great dried fruits, seeds,
nuts, and other snack and baking items in bulk
http://www.bulkfoods.com/


Mike sent this with the comment that he just knew it!
http://www.bushislord.com/



Pretty cute from Erin a live action Simpson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49IDp76kjPw

Really amazing juggling video sent by Mike
(4.5 minutes with music if you are at work)
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776181634656145640

Rare music video of Son House sent by Mike
http://www.youtube.com/w/Son-House---Death-Letter-Blues?v=ODEberbcfTw&search=son%20house


Brand New on Youtube "Cookie Blues"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=OFZQ976Hz7c

Did you get fooled on April 1st?

Here are some Famous April Fool's Day Hoaxes
The Taco Liberty Bell
In 1996, the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it
had bought the Liberty Bell from the federal government
and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of
outraged citizens called up the National Historic Park
in Philadelphia where the bell is housed to express
their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco
Bell revealed that it was all a practical joke a few
hours later.

The best line inspired by the affair came when White
House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the
sale, and he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had
also been sold, though to a different corporation, and
would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

Instant Color TV
In 1962, there was only one TV channel in Sweden and
it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical
expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce
that thanks to a newly developed technology, all viewers
could now quickly and easily convert their existing sets
to display color reception. All they had to do was pull
a nylon stocking over their TV screen and they would
begin to see their favorite shows in color. Stensson then
proceeded to demonstrate the process. Reportedly, hundreds
of thousands of people, out of the population of seven
million, were taken in. Actual color TV transmission only
commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

San Serriffe
In 1977, the British newspaper, The Guardian,
published a special seven page supplement in honor
of the tenth anniversary of San Serriffe, a small
republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of
several semi-colon-shaped islands.

A series of articles affectionately described the
geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two
main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.
Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica.
The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought
more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Few
noticed that everything about the island was named
after printer's terminology. The success of this hoax
is widely credited with launching the enthusiasm for
April Foolery that then gripped the British tabloids
in the following decades.

Nixon for President
In 1992, National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation
program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise
move, was running for president again. His new campaign
slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong and I won't do
it again." Accompanying this announcement were audio
clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech.

Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement,
flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage.
Only during the second half of the show did the host John
Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical
joke. Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich
Little.

The Left Handed Whopper
In 1998, Burger King published a full page advertisement
in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item
to their menu: a "Left Handed Whopper" specially designed
for the 32 million left handed Americans. According to
the advertisement, the new whopper included the same
ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato,
hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were
rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left handed
customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow
up release revealing that although the Left Handed Whopper
was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone in to request
the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press
release, "many others requested their own 'right handed'
version."


UFO Lands in London
On March 31, 1989, thousands of motorists driving on
the highway outside London looked up in the air to see
a glowing craft float through the air. The saucer finally
landed in a field on the outskirts of London where local
residents immediately called the police to warn them of
an alien invasion. Soon the police arrived on the scene
and one brave officer approached the craft with his
truncheon extended before him. When a door in the craft
popped open and a small, silver-suited figure emerged,
the policeman ran in the opposite direction. The saucer
turned out to be a hot air balloon that had been specially
built to look like a UFO by Richard Branson, the 36-year-
old chairman of Virgin Records. The stunt combined his
passion for ballooning with his love of pranks. His plan
was to land the craft in London's Hyde Park on April 1.
Unfortunately, the wind blew him off course and he was
forced to land a day early in the wrong location.

Whistling Carrots
In 2002, the British supermarket chain Tesco published
an advertisement in The Sun announcing the successful
development of a genetically modified 'whistling carrot.'
The ad explained that the carrots had been specially
engineered to grow with tapered airholes in their side.
When fully cooked, these airholes caused the vegetable
to whistle.

More for April Fool
http://www.theexplodingwhale.com/


Do you believe in the Loch Ness Monster?
http://www.lochness.co.uk/livecam/index.html



What do you think about artificial intelligence? Chat with
an artificial intelligence bot here:
http://www.alicebot.org/



I am constantly seeking online storage so was glad to
find this that you could use to backup important files
http://www.content-type.com/


Royal Scandals
http://royalscandals.com/read.htm

Is your screen dirty? Clean it up here:
http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com/
It's safe, I promise. No viruses or anything like that.



What can I say too much time + internet=
http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/



Sick of trying to remember passwords? Here is a
freebie but I haven't tried it out.
http://www.roboform.com/index.html

Personally I recommend an address book you can add
pages to as the best answer for that. Then you can make
a short list for travel and when you get home just pop it
back in the book. All safe in one place!

American Idol added some new games but I am still
hooked on Jewel Miner
http://myidol.idolonfox.com/games/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There was a total eclipse of the sun today. President
Bush said that the eclipse proves the unreliability of
solar power." ~~ Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores?
They are pale skinny people who look half-dead. In a
steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying,
of course, but they look terrific." ~~ Bill Cosby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll,
three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush
should be impeached. And when he heard that, the
president said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'"
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Today President Bush personally swore in 30 immigrants
becoming American citizens. There was one awkward
moment when President Bush said, 'You may kiss the bride.'"
~~ Conan O-Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat
of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President
Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes
what a great job he's being doing." ~~ Jon Stewart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The good news, congress is cracking down on illegal im-
migration. The bad news, a head of lettuce will not cost
three hundred dollars." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"[Bush] is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm
Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm
Cheney." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts to Ponder

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts,
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the
other penny? Or do you get change?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money
called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just
stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My daughter was doing a project on 70's rock groups,
and she asked me to name 2 of them.

"Yes!" I said.

"Who?" she asked.

"There you go," I answered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a little boy's parents overheard this prayer...
"Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's
test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test
I have to take."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Words to Remember

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline

Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie

Lymph, (v.), to walk with a lisp

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines you

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer
shorts

Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died
in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola
bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of
holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my
daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make
it a salt shaker or something.

I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing
board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have
steam irons. Man, I am old

How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to
get his message across to his congregation: "It's so
beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven
doesn't interest them."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't
scare them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Top Ten Things That Upset Your Dog
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU
IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!
Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of
the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing
yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we
both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know
who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop
do you ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

etiquette according to Men

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may
be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry
her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a
guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum
waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to
wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she
scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's
fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature
is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday
present for another man. In fact, even remembering
your buddies birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a
sporting event, you may always ask the score of
the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's
delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.


Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you
didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must
be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge
of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as
the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences
over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was
you who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are
on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line,
etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible
nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep
a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was
formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken
rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to do it again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Microsoft Made Cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If
GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving 25 dollar cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating the following, "If GM had developed technology
like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following
characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice
a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you
would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason and you would accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was more reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy
to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure'? before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of
the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM sub-
sidiary), even though they neither need them nor want
them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or
more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers
would have to learn how to drive all over again because
none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Naturally, we wondered what effects technology might have on other
helping-hand groups and services. We came up with these potential
techno-centric charities and service organizations:

10. Screenpeace: Radical demonstrators chain themselves to servers
and hubs in their struggle to keep the World Wide Web a clean place
to surf.

9. Make a Disc Foundation: Make a last wish come true for the New
Kids on the Block and Milli Vanilli by burning bootleg copies of
their albums...please.

8. UNIXEF: Each Halloween, trick-or-treaters collect coins to buy
Unix boxes for starving children.

7. Palms Across America: Palm tried to beam a message of peace across
the U.S., but got an error message: Beam interrupted, connection lost.

6. Digital Guide Dogs for the Blind: Provides visually impaired
individuals with Sony SeeingAibos.

5. PETOA: Tired of getting kicked around, Clippy becomes the poster
boy for People for the Ethical Treatment of Office Assistants.

4. Easter Egg Seals: This persistent charity hides holiday- themed
animated GIFs in Office XP; you must donate at least $10 to get rid
of them.

3. MS Foundation Telethon: "If you want to keep Microsoft in one
piece, keep those donations coming, folks."

2. Broadband Aid: Sir Bob Geldof organizes an all-star sing-along to
benefit the current and former employees of North Point, Covad, and
WinFire.

1. Ronald iMacDonald House: Provides refuge for terminally ill
computers, including the G4 Cube, the PC/Jr, and the Apple Newton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat
as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the
feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta
hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her
and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have
done this a little earlier"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell
Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and
mine is out in the car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Ann for these lawyer jokes:

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future
lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to
sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read
the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with
a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one:
Irish poker


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's
apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single
hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys,
someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a
bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll
ever meet.Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on
the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and
is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Cindy for this one:
Jack made his way through veterinary school working
nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he
could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs
of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice
and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -
Either way, you get your dog back!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one:

CLEVER......The most unfair thing about life is the way it
ends. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in
the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? The life
cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out
of the way.

You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every
day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You drink like a fish, party your ass off,
and screw anything that moves - you've only got a few
years left, so why not?!?

Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend
your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like
central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates