Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 11 April 5, 2007
This is exactly what is wrong with conservatives at this point in
time: they don't know when to mind their own business:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200703/s1877316.htm
but they won't provide a government that protects citizens
from big business (Enron, BP explosion in TX, Haliburton with
http://www.chron.com/content/chronicle/special/05/blast/index.html#
their no bid war contracts, Exxon - who still hasn't paid for the
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exxon_Valdez_oil_spill
Valdez mess from 18 YEARS AGO, the run away profits of the
oil companies caused by the hugely inflated price of gas), the
weather after the fact (Katrina, Rita, Global Warming, and
other natural disasters FEMA flubbed), they won't or can't
(because they are inept) protect us from Bin Laden or any
other terrorist since they are too busy getting us into wars
(where stealing and cheating is so much easier), they are too
busy shouting stand by our troops while cutting the benefits
to soldiers and their families and offering up the type of
treatment such as our soldiers get at Walter Reed, allowing
the lack of training and equipment our soldiers face in this
war which is just the tip of the iceberg in disgraceful ways
this administration is disrespecting our troops.
The cronyism has run the gamut from the VP to FEMA, the
attorney general and all those attorneys fired which they were
going to replace without congressional oversight or approval
due to a little loop hole in the Patriot Act.
Stepping down from my soap box now.
"Books to the ceiling,
Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them!
How I need them!
I'll have a long beard by the time I read them."
Arnold Lobel
If this describes you then let me introduce a site I was sent
by my sister where you can trade your books for just the price
of postage. Start by entering 9 books you are willing to trade
and you will get 3 credits, then every time you send out a book
you get another credit. Since you also get credits for any new
members introduced to this please mention me by the following
email address baubles-and-bling-bling at charter.net Thanks!
http://www.paperbackswap.com/
Hysterical dog videos
http://www.longliveyourdog.com/dogpark/videos/default.aspx?DCMP=BAC-LLYD-ABOUT-Buster&HQS=300x250%20HGC&activeVideoId=120
And then there is Ifilm for the best in internet videos
http://www.ifilm.com/
The end of Life (Magazine that is).
http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=entertainmentNews&storyid=2007-03-26T161714Z_01_N26366501_RTRUKOC_0_US-TIME-LIFE.xml&src=rss&rpc=22
Is your email inbox overflowing? This may help get it back
in shape:
http://www.43folders.com/2006/03/27/process-to-zero/
Revisiting other great software savers
http://www.lifehacker.com/software/retro/
How to dine out with kids ... and enjoy it!
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/refcap/preschooler/ptravel/63913.html
If you just have to have ribs you can have them delivered.
http://www.countyline.com/index.asp
You can find other favorite foods to be delivered to your
door at the Food Network
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/episode_archive/0,1904,FOOD_9962_164,00.html
On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"According to "Sports Illustrated," a winery is coming out
with a NASCAR wine. Which will finally answer the question,
which wine goes with chili corn dogs?" ~~ Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally,
she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was
actually married three times. But she said she never talks about
the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." ~~ Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"According to the latest census survey, the number of people
without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh,
they're dead because they didn't have health insurance."
~~ Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In his new tell-all book, Republican former House
Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank
too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married
to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A
Democrat." ~~ Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT IF?
Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it
with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what, exactly, is a fog
horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, 'Quit while you're ahead'?
If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the
next Kleenex in the box?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is
when I'm in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unique answering machine messages:
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE
ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a
message at the tone,and we'll assimilate you later.
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
(or)Hello, you're caller number nine!
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious.
"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the
sound of the tone, please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and
I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate
it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.
Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right
ear? ... BEEP
(Rod Serling imitation You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a
world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows
explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary
telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight
Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
(Recorded directly from AT&T We're sorry, but the number
you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.
Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem
ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.
The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and
stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be
able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands
of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.
(Klingon voice ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have
reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a
message after the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If
I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our
teeth we'll get back to you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle
of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make
it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
I'm sorry, the number you have reached is imaginary. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and dial again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
400 Bricks
1. Put 400 bricks in a room.
2. Put your new employees in the room with the bricks and
close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put
them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put
them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them
in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has
been moved, congratulate them and put them in top
Management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in
such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from,
put them in Congress.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Texas, "feminine protection" means a concealed, pink,
Glock 9 mm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. My mother taught me
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear with NO
HOLES, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went
through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR
MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like
you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are
going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME
AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never
grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you
were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about
JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn
out just like you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
- You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do
the dishes.
- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you
start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth.
However, your children are at school!
- You actually start to like the smell of strained
carrots mixed with applesauce.
- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is
taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
- You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a
book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint
and Eggshells.
- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses
only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you
wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband,
enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you
realize that you've reached over and started to cut up
his steak!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my good friend Anita for this one:
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect;
they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds
and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed
in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount
of thought he had put into organizing the display. There
were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium sized
bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and enormous
bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it
strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a
while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God ! Maybe, this
guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father my children ?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He
responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically
lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where
they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and
even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it ?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for this one:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because
he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's
teacher."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz
Thanks and have a great week!
Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates
