Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 2 January 10, 2007
Test your longevity based on a quiz that Harvard Medical
School researchers Thomas Perl, M.D. and Margery Hutter
Silver, Ed.D. developed to help calculate your life expectancy
http://www.icmarc.org/xp/rc/planning/tools/retirement/longevity.html
The most compelling puzzles and question facing scientists http://www.sciencemag.org/sciext/125th/
If you like mysteries, thrillers, espionage fiction, or any
kind of crime fiction, then you're in the right place here:
http://www.mysteryguide.com/
http://www.randolphlibrary.org/mystery_resources.htm
Just for fun, puzzles, jokes, experience your favorite films
in just one minute, and for those of you with a book report
due check out book a minute
http://rinkworks.com/
Thanks to Sheila for the Top 10 Movies according to About.com
http://movies.about.com/od/awards/tp/bestmovie120106.htm
If you like to shake your head really fast when your
picture is taken, then Jowlers might be for you. Check
them out or post one of your own.
http://www.jowlers.com/
Bad book covers
http://punkrockpenguin.net/waste/amuse/badcovers/
The History of the Batmobile
http://www.batmobilehistory.com/
Free printable baby shower games
http://www.thebabyshowersite.com/
On to the chuckles:
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I believe with all my heart that civilization has produced
nothing finer than a man or woman who thinks and practices
true tolerance.
~~ Frank Knox
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The verb "to Pluto," meaning to demote or devalue
something as the former planet was, has been voted the
American Dialect Society's 2006 Word of the Year. The
117-year-old organization likes the fact the verb came
about after the International Astronomical Union decided
Pluto no longer met its definition of a planet, and then
voted for it as top word, beating out "climate canary,"
the runner-up. A climate canary is an organism or species
whose poor health or declining numbers hint at a larger
environmental catastrophe on the horizon, the society
said. Among other words considered were "flog," which
is a sham advertising Internet blog created by a
corporation to promote a product or a television show,
Last year's top word was "truthiness," meaning what
one wishes to be the truth regardless of the facts.
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"Donald Trump told congress that he could renovate the U.N.
cheaper and quicker than the current bids they have. Of
course they'd have to change the name."
~~ Jay Leno
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"It was a beautiful day out today, wasn�t it? On a day like
this in New York you don't know if the people are wearing
sun block or are just covered in pigeon crap."
~~ David Letterman
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"Sixty-three year old Harrison Ford told the British press
he�s going to do his own stunts in "Indiana Jones 4." I
don�t want to say Indiana is getting old, but I understand
in this sequel Indiana raids his own tomb."
~~ Jay Leno
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"The city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics.
Apparently they're very bitter about it. Apparently the
Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward
to being rude to thousands of new people."
~~ Conan O'Brien
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You grew up in the 80s if...
You've ended a sentence with the word "SIKE".
Girls.. you yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters
club and tried to start a club of your own.
You remember when it was actually worth getting up
early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in
computer class at school.
L.A. Gear....need I say more?
You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage
Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
You remember going to the skating rink before there
were inline skates.
You collected "Popples", spent way too much time with
"Light Brights" (you're singing the song in your head,
aren't you?) and loved glow worms.
You remember New Kids on the Block when they were
cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as
"NKOTB".
You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds and
(if you were lucky!) Chuckie Cheese.
You thought your childhood friends would never leave
because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap
bracelets.
You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were
proud of it.
You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
on the big screen...and still know the turtles' names.
You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel-air",
and can do the "Carlton."
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If America Online was a City...
1) You'd live in a place where no two people had the same
name.
2) You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the
time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3) Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd
be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps
offering you great AOL modems for only $399.99.
4) The commute to work is just a double-click away, but
every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of
traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5) 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflow-
ing with special offers, promotions and discounts from
www.junkmail.com.
6) The local post office would tell your mother you're not
a known resident.
7) The local post office won't forward your mail to you when
you move.
8) If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week
later with a form letter saying how you "really are import-
ant to us."
9) Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the
store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS
STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
10) Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see
your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
11) You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by
another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an
illegal operation.
12) You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and
most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's
mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
13) The administration would build a huge, state of the art
park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly
start demanding money.
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SILLY SIGNS
* Sign on road: 'MEN SHOULD BE WORKING.'
* Sign in shoe shop window: 'COME IN AND HAVE A
GOOD FIT.'
* Sign at soft drink stand: 'THIRST COME; THIRST
SERVED.'
* Sign in a barber shop: 'I TRIM EVERYONE.'
* Billboard on road: 'BELT YOUR FAMILY AND SAVE
THEIR LIVES.'
* On a tombstone: 'I EXPECTED THIS BUT NOT
QUITE YET.'
* Sign on a bench: 'WET PAINT. WATCH IT OR
WEAR IT.'
* Sign on a garage: 'DON'T SMOKE AROUND THE
GASOLINE TANK. IF YOUR LIFE ISN'T WORTH
ANYTHING GASOLINE IS!'
* In a shoe shop: 'ONE SHOE SHINED FREE.' and 'WE
SAVE SOLES.'
* Merchandise wanted ad: 'PIANO WANTED BY LADY
WITH MAHOGANY LEG.'
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A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front
of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to
wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tare."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell
you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand that neither."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom,
if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?
Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a
cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it
be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler
Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and
no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal
instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers,
beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields,
and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? ...If there are,
will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the
things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or
after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just
because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an
unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately
drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and
lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with
him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good
thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I please
have my testicles back?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for these:
GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me,
either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to
steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to
serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your
good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're
a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the
windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a
lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a
rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a
dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things
get worse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for these:
•A MAN LOST IN HIS GEOGRAPHY:
1-"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part
of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a
part of Europe."
George W. Bush
2-"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
George W. Bush
3-"The vast majority of our imports come from outside
the country." George W. Bush
•A man lost in his logic:
4-" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing
it. " George W. Bush
5-"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings
take dream." George W. Bush
6-"These people are trying to shake the will of the Iraqi
citizens, and they want us to leave...I think the world
would be better off if we did leave..." George W. Bush
7-"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your
family." George W. Bush
8-"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
George W. Bush
9-"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so
are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm
our country and our people, and neither do we."
George W. Bush
10-Well, I think if you say you're going to do something
and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.
George W. Bush
•A man lost in space:
11-"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
George W. Bush
•A MAN WITH HEAVEN ON HIS SIDE:
12-"I believe God wants me to be president."
George W. Bush
13- [I was] "chosen by the grace of God to lead at that
moment." George W. Bush
14-"God told me to strike at al-Qaeda and I struck them,
and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I
did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the
Middle East." George W. Bush
15-"I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I
couldn't do my job." George W. Bush
•THE MAN LOST IN HIS VOCABULARY:
16-" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that
teach our children." George W. Bush
17-"The problem with the French is that they don't have
a word for 'entrepreneur'." George W. Bush
18-"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any
Governor, and that one word is, 'to be prepared'."
George W. Bush
19-'There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in
Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once,
shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled
again.' George W. Bush
• THOUGHTS COMING STRAIGHT FROM GEORGE ORWELL"S '1984':
20-"Iraq and Afghanistan . . . are now democracies and
they are allies in the cause of freedom and peace."
George W. Bush
21-"Ariel Sharon ... is a man of courage and a man of
peace." George W. Bush
22-"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating
things over and over and over again for the truth to
sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."George W. Bush
•THE DECEIVING PACIFIST:
23-"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war,
we're really talking about peace." George W. Bush
24-"This notion that the United States is getting ready
to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said
that, all options are on the table." George W. Bush
25-"Free nations don't develop weapons of mass
destruction." George W. Bush
26- “Governments accountable to the voters focus on
building roads and schools—not weapons of mass
destruction.” (N.B.: The U.S. has 10,000 nuclear
weapons) George W. Bush
•THE THEOLOGIAN:
27-"Islam, as practiced by the vast majority of people,
is a peaceful religion." George W. Bush
28-"The Islam that we know is a faith devoted to
the worship of one God, as revealed through The Holy
Qur'an. It teaches the value and the importance of
charity, mercy, and peace." George W. Bush
•THE FLIP FLOPPER:
29-"I favor leaving up to a woman and her doctor the
abortion question." George W. Bush
30-"I am pro-life." George W. Bush
31- "The most important thing is for us to find Osama
bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will
not rest until we find him." George W. Bush
32- "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea
and really don't care. It's not that important. It's
not our priority." George W. Bush
33-"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found
biological laboratories...for those who say we haven't
found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons,
they're wrong, we found them." George W. Bush
•THE FORECASTER OF THINGS TO COME:
34-"Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties [in
Iraq]." George W. Bush
35-"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or
may not occur. " George W. Bush
36-"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made
good judgments in the future." George W. Bush
37-"Many Iraqis can hear me tonight in a translated
radio broadcast, and I have a message for them: If we
must begin a military campaign, it will be directed
against the lawless men who rule your country and not
against you." George W. Bush, (speech of March 17, 2003)
38-"To the C students, I say you too can be president
of the United States." George W. Bush
•THE ASTUTE OBSERVER:
39-"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer
people going to the polls." George W. Bush
40-"Brownie (Michael Brown of FEMA), you're doing a
heck of a job." George W. Bush
•A MAN AND HIS ENVIRONMENT:
41-"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
George W. Bush
•THE DOUBLE TALKER:
42-"There's a lot of suffering in the Palestinian territory,
because militant Hamas is trying to stop the advance of
democracy." (N.B.: The Hamas government was elected)
George W. Bush
43-"We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation
that will make—it would hope—put a free press's mind at ease
that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see."
George W. Bush
•THE WOULD-BE DICTATOR:
44-"In a time of war, the president must have the power he
needs to make the tough decisions, including, if need be,
the decision to grant himself even more power."
George W. Bush
45-"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a
lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things."
George W. Bush
46-"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot
easier, just so long as I'm the dictator."
George W. Bush
47-"I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I
do not need to explain why I say things. That's the
interesting thing about being president."
George W. Bush
48- "I will not withdraw [from Iraq], even if Laura and
Barney are the only ones supporting me."
George W. Bush
49- "I'm the decider, and I decide what's best."
George W. Bush
•And, last but not least, CONSIDERING THE MESS IN IRAQ:
50-“I don’t have the foggiest idea about what I think
about international, foreign policy.”
George W. Bush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for this one:
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little
girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He
went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little
girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and
innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them
are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for
a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat,
saying "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback
Mountain crap in our garden."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Sheila for this:
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to
increase their diversity,"You are all part of our team now,"
said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria
for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later
their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and
I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked
increase in the whole company's performance. However,
one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know
what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."After the boss
had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose
hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four
weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed
anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone
who actually does something."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Sheila for this:
Just For Fun
Believe it or not, snow is actually clear/transparent.
Snow appears white because the crystals act as prisms,
breaking up the light of the sun into the entire spectrum
of color. The human eye is unable to handle that kind of
sensory overload. Therefore, we see the snow as white
or sometimes blue. The color of snow can depend on the
environment in which you live. Some snowflakes look like
they are pink. If you live in a place where your soil is red,
snow is pink. The red dust blows into the clouds,
discoloring the snow.
Source: http://clicks.aweber.com/z/ct/?_K0HSzfxzLLQjgZbOtyUjg
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Thanks and have a great week!
Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates
