Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 51

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 51 December 26, 2005

Well another Christmas has come and gone but there is
still Hannukah and New Years to celebrate so this issue
has some year end lists, photo year in review, and plenty
of games for you (if you are not too busy doing day after
Christmas shopping or celebrating Boxing Day). Be sure
to check out Pimp my Nutcracker which combines the
Christams Nutcracker with a paper doll type experience,
what a hoot!


A Santa Claus worm is attempting to trick AIM, Microsoft
MSN and Yahoo instant-messaging users into clicking on a
file that delivers unwanted software to a victim's computer.
http://news.com.com/Santa+IM+worm+hits+AOL,+MSN+and+Yahoo/2100-7349-6002790.html

And speaking of worms, maybe the RIAA will finally get
what's coming to them. According to the current court
case they are going after a single mom who the judge said
"does not know Kazaa from kazoo" and she has given up
on doing it with an attorney after spending $24,000.
Sounds a little like David and Goliath to me.
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/12/25/D8ENBNE80.html


Start the year off with FREE Trade publications
http://c-notes.tradepub.com/


The year in review - A List of Year-End Lists
http://www.fimoculous.com/year-review-2005.cfm


The Best of Notable Quotes 2005
http://www.mrc.org/notablequotables/bestof/2005/welcome.asp


Sports Illustrated photo gallery
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/


Way more than Ebert's Best 10 Movies of 2005, here is
previous years winners plus many other categories.
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051218/COMMENTARY/512180302


Popular toys of the last 100 years
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10387831/


Think you have a cute photo? Check out Cute overload
and maybe you'll want to send them one of your own.
http://www.cuteoverload.com/


Nothing says Happy Holidays like a photo of sweet little
toddlers screaming at Santa.
http://www.southflorida.com/events/sfl-scaredsanta,0,2245506.photogallery



Erin sent us this link where you write your letter to Santa.
(for adults but not x-rated)
http://members.aol.com/frogiearno/dearsanta.htm


This is just too funny! Pimp my nutcracker:
http://www.pimpmynutcracker.com/


The artificial trees have mutated and are sucking the
spirit out of Christmas. Help the elf beat these bad guys
by hitting them with snow balls!
http://www.kewlbox.com/games/game.cfm?gameId=121


Christmas Helicopter Game
http://www.nexum.hu/hu/swf/xmas2004_en/game.swf


Try this one and click what we have done for some games
http://www.winterwishes.co.uk/


A Christmas Crossword Puzzle
http://www.wels.net/sab/java/puzzwk13.htm


More puzzles
http://imagiware.com/puzzle/


Fun and games at Serena's World
http://www.serena1.com/fun.html


BELL stands for Bot for English Language Learning. She
never gets bored or tired of talking with you. She can
answer math questions, tell you where most countries are
and what their capitals are, and she even knows a few jokes.
She still makes mistakes, but she still really enjoys chatting.
She can understand you a lot better if you type carefully.
http://demo.vhost.pandorabots.com/pandora/talk-oddcast?botid=8545e5ed5e35811a

Beauty Tips from Principessa
http://www.principessabeauty.com/beautytips.html

The Darwin Awards 2005:
http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/index_darwin2005.html

Speaking of bad ideas, this guy searches the world and
his mind for the worst in bad ideas.
http://www.mrbadideas.com/


Explore the stories of Robin Hood, King Arthur and his
men, Pirates and Privateers, and many more. See the
stories that have lasted through time.
http://www.legends.dm.net/


Or if you are in the mood to travel and if you are into
the supernatural try this travelogue of all fifty states
that focuses on one particularly creepy spot in each.
http://www.ghostinmysuitcase.com/


Got a case of flu or URI over the holidays
http://www.diagnose-me.com/



Is it time for pinching pennies? The focus here is on low-
cost, home-cooking from scratch.
http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/index.htm


This is about natural foods, organic ingredients, recipes,
sustainable farming, whole grains, ingredient spotlights,
profiles, reviews, gift ideas, organic wines, new product
info, travel ideas, news, studies and trends, all wrapped
up in one food-loving bundle.
http://www.mightyfoods.com/


Querying the hive mind. "What to do about my boyfriend?"
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/29191


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably
easier to write with." ~~ Marty Feldman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If it's beautifully arranged on the plate, you just know
someone's fingers have been all over it." ~~ Julia Child

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I went to fill up this morning and there was a sign on the
pump, 'We take Visa, Master Card, American Express.' So
they took my Visa, Mastercard and my American Express!"
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly,
acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all
I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand
thing. ~~ Agatha Christie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When are they gonna come up with some new Christmas
Carols?" ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You know the good part about all thise executions in
Texas? Fewer Texans." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian
manner. I will not however be responsible for the
consequenses." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

English is a strange language for some:

On a French passenger jet:
Live West Under Your Seat.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are
not a person to do such thing
is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that
time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between
the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian
Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers
are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose
in the boots of ascension.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today: no ice cream.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with
cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people's fashion.

Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.

At a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

At a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will
execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping
site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested
that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

At the office of a Rome doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

At an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.

At a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they
are best in the long run.

A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel
air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of
warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the
horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with
vigor.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are
welcome to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AT&T operators often have to deal with the confounding
questions and responses from customers. Here are a few
taken from a compilation called "Thank You for Calling
AT&T."

"Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa.""Who did I Call?
LONDON?""No, this is Londa.""WHERE? LONDON,
ENGLAND?"

"I've been on hold four months."

"Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?"

"I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just
not working!"

"So...which adult party line would YOU choose?"

"Is 30% more than 10%?"

"I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money
on a different plan.""I'd be glad to do that. May I have
your area code and phone number? "You'll have to look
it up. It's a non-published number. I don't give it out."

"I think you're screwing me! I'm going to throw my
phone out the window with me in it!"

"To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR."
"How do you spell `operator?' I'm not a math wizard,
you know."

"I didn't make those calls...I can't even read or write!"

"Where is area code 900?"

"I want to tell you about this phone I invented.

"Is October before or after November?"

"Hello, can I have the number for AT&T?"

"Is this an average size bill for you?""I think so...it's
usually around 3'' by 5''.

"I just dialed a wrong 800 number. Will I be charged?"

"That call is to an adult entertainment line.""Oh, well,
at least he's still interested!"

"I need credit on my bill because my dad died tomorrow
and I'm broke."

"I just dialed this psycho line and it's disconnected!"

"I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls.
These people are threatening me and my wife, and now
they are getting obscene with my daughter! I don't know
who it is...they always call collect."

"I want L-O-R-D as my PIN number, but don't use my
wife's name as the card number. It has 666 in the middle."

"Can I put money in this pay phone?"

"When I dial my motherland, she is not very good speaking!"

"No, ma'am, AT&T will not call the police if you don't pay
your bill."

"I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?""Not unless
you know any hookers in Rock Hill."

"Hi...I have a sticker on my phone that says, `Call ATT,'
so I'm calling."

"Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?"
"That is a True Confessions line."
"But we are not Catholic!"

"All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius."

"How can I help you?""You can get this dog and cat off
of me!!!"

"What countries do you usually call?"
"Germany and New Jersey."

"Can you hold...I have a fire going on in here."

"Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? That's all?"

"My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and he's been on
fire all week."

"I want you to freeze my phone bill. I've got permission
from God."

"Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls."
"The Frog Department? Would you spell that?"

"AT&T is responsible for the swastikas on my door
yesterday!"

"I'm calling from my condom and I can't get out...did I
just say condom? I meant CONDO!"

"What state do you live in?""Taylorsville."

"I'm going to church to see if God can explain my
phone bill to me."
"I can explain it to you, ma'am."
"Yeah, but I like His explanations better."

"Can I get your name, please?"
"Who."
"Your's. Can you give me your name, please?"
"Yes...my name is spelled H-U."

"I was justrying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose
turquoise blue as my favorite for the new M&M colors,
but I got Skylab! The FBI isn't going to arrest me, are
they?"

"I need a number I called recently. It should be on my
next bill."
"I'm sorry, sir. Those calls are stored on magnetic tape.
We don't see them until the bill is printed."
"Then go listen to the tape!"
"Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility."
"That's okay. I'll wait."

and last but not least...

"How do you make a pound cake?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the
roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his
wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.

“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are
not hurt.”

Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said
between sobs. “I’m happy ‘cause this is the first time
in 15 years we’ve been out together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is seasonal but really bad . . .
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked,
as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess- nuts boasting in
an open foyer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Great Conspiracy

We Must Stop This immediately! Have you ever noticed
that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill
from where you are? Stairs are steeper. . .
Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to
the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long
our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially
the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you
ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves,
endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're
red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same
age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much
older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and
she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing
my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my
own reflection . . .
Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're
risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the
freeway in front of them . . .
All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast,
the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view
mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or
12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that
these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs,
and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the
same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's
going on -- but the telephone company is in on the
conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such
small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
"everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
[Courtesy of AndyChaps]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Be Named Time
Magazine's Person Of The Year

10. "Your biggest achievement this year was hooking up
your Tivo"

9. "You failed a paternity test on 'Maury'"

8. "The only award you've ever won is for eating your
weight in ribs"

7. "You were on the Robert Blake jury"

6. "Don't subscribe to 'Time', but you do flip through
'Hustler' at 7-Eleven"

5. "You were on the Michael Jackson Jury"

4. "Only compliment you got this year was some idiot
telling you you're doing 'a heck of a job'"

3. "You have Bill Gates' looks, Bill Gates' personality...
without Bill Gates' money"

2. "You donate your free time to hot tubbin' "

1. "You did this" (Video Tape: Bush can't open door)

[From the Late Show with David Letterman]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

2006 PACKERS SCHEDULE

September
14................Taft Junior High School
21................Cub Scout Troop #101
28................Green Bay Blind Academy

October
05................Spanish American War Vets
12................Crippled Children's Home
19................Appleton Mental Hospital
26................Girl Scout Troop # 353

November
02.................Wisconsin Venereal Disease Clinic
09.................Depere Boys Choir
16.................Korean Amputees

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December08..................Sheboygan Gay Boys Club

** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - When playing polio patients, the Packers must not
disconnect knee braces.

2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Packers must
not hide the football under their jerseys.

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the
goal line for all you Packer fans that have never seen this)
it is still worth 6 points.

2 - The Packers will be allowed 20 men on the field at all
times.

3 - The Packers will be allowed to substitute with band
members atanytime.

4 - The Packers will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed
to 3 for the opposing team.

5 - The Packers will be awarded a first down with each
gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** COACHING CHANGES **

Mike Sherman will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She
will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on
the big ones!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a
moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and
says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resem-
bling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I
want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed................"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back
in the box."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this reminder
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the
summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at
the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-
December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give
birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY
historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY
single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be
a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to
drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world
in one night and not get lost

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Sheila for this bit from Dave Barry

Once again we find ourselves
enmeshed in the Holiday Season,
that very special time of year
when we join with our loved ones in sharing
centuries-old traditions such as
trying to find a parking space at the mall.

We traditionally do this in my family
by driving around the parking lot until
we see a shopper emerge from the mall,
then we follow her,
in very much the same spirit
as the Three Wise Men,
who 2,000 years ago followed a star,
week after week, until it led them
to a parking space.
-- Dave Barry --

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, the back issues are in an archive here:
http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my new store with jewelry, Avon
and other vintage items on eBay!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 50

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 50 December 19, 2005


Well it's still below zero here and I refuse to move away
from my chair and blanket except to get another cup of
tea. But later in the day when we closer to our high of
18F I have to get to the post office but first I need eBay
up and running so I can deal with the online auctions.
The site is down right now and making me crazy.

Any last minute shopping can be done online if you use
expedited shipping or just stop at a favorite restaurant
and get some gift certificates. (or call ahead and maybe
they can have them ready when you get there.) DO
NOT try to do this on your lunch hour!!! It will only
make you nuts. Stay away from the one's in the mall.


Thanks to Andrea for this page on "Listening to Christmas"
http://www.alharris.com/holidays/listxmas.htm

And his special gift is a calendar to print for 2006
http://www.alharris.com/gallery/dv/pdf/2006-double-vision-calendar.pdf


Also thanks to Andrea for this pretty card to share
http://thundercloud.net/acpressions/christmas/christmas.htm


Thanks to Mike for the Wizard of Oil (pretty funny)
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2005/12/12/21431/622

Do you know your Christmas foods?
http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=10002&surveyID=119

What's your holiday stress level?
http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=200&surveyID=117

How to beat the Holiday Gift Buying Blues (check out the
sidebar stories too like "Dear Santa: I Want a Barbie Cell
Phone", and "Ties, Tools and Tunes: Gifts for Men")
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,178383,00.html



You may want to print out these tips for how to organize
the Christmas decorations
http://www.charlotte.com/mld/charlotte/living/home/13408450.htm?template=contentModules/printstory.jsp


For a limited time during the holidays, download a free
version of The Ultimate Guide to Holiday Cookies Cookbook
that includes everything needed to make and enjoy the
World's Top 10 Holiday Cookies based on the ratings and
reviews of over 15 million home cooks.
http://images.allrecipes.com/site/allrecipes/Cookie.pdf



"How many of the 20th century's greatest engineering
achievements will you use today? A car? Computer?
Telephone? Explore our list of the top 20 achievements
and learn how engineering shaped a century and changed
the world. "
http://www.greatachievements.org/


Chronology of the years events:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051214/ap_on_re_us/ye2005_chronology_ye7a_1


"Help Santa become a lean, mean, present-delivering
machine by putting him through his Winter Workout."
Race him and the clock through Christmas Sprints,
Roof Hurdles, Long Ice Jumps, and Candy Ski Jumps. http://www.miniclip.com/winterworkout/game/

Online Christmas Games for kids: Dress Up Elves,
Build a Snowman Game, Decorate a Christmas Tree,
Arrange a Nativity Scene, Break-Out Christmas
Greeting Game, Christmas Stocking Memory Match
Game, and Christmas Gift Hunt
http://akidsheart.com/holidays/christms/chgames.htm


More Kids Christmas Fun: Mazes, coloring pages, online
puzzles, word games and more
http://www.billybear4kids.com/holidays/christmas/games.htm
http://www.12days.com/
http://www.xmasfun.com/Games/Default.asp

Yahoo has more in a directory
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Holidays_and_Observances/Christmas/Online_Games/
http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Religion_and_Spirituality/Faiths_and_Practices/Judaism/Holidays_and_Observances/Hanukkah/

More Kids Hanukkah Fun: Spin the dreidel, puzzles,
coloring pages, and things to make
http://www.billybear4kids.com/holidays/hanukkah/hanukkah.htm
http://www.kidsdomain.com/games/chan.html

And of course there is fun holiday stuff for Christmas AND
Hanukkah on my website here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Holidays.html


Free web word processor converts documents to PDF's
http://news.com.com/Web+word+processor+adds+PDF+conversion/2100-7345_3-5991491.html?tag=sas.email

Jib-jab offers their latest animated short. A 2-minute
spoof, available on MSN after airing on "The Tonight
Show," takes another stab at presidential politics,
specifically the travails of George Bush in his 2nd term.
http://news.com.com/Another+jab+from+JibJab+Bushs+2-0-5/2100-1026_3-5997129.html?tag=sas.email


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dog Quotes:

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
tail instead of his tongue. ~~ Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to
go where they went. ~~ Will Rogers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than
he loves himself. ~~ Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
~~ Andy Rooney

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a
weird religious cult. ~~ Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn
around three times before lying down. ~~ Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never
washed a dog. ~~ Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
~~ Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up
to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
~~ Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean,
here we come back from a grocery store with the most
amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must
think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and
dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
~~ Robert A. Heinlein

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!' ~~ Dave Barry

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog
biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two
of them. ~~ Phil Pastoret

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Say what you will about George Bush, but at least his
interns are only licking the envelopes." ~~ David
Letterman, on Bush sending out 1.4 million Christmas
cards

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was hospitalized
earlier this week with a rapid heartbeat. . . After the
doctors ex- amined him, they replaced some of Arnold's
obsolete computer chips and reinforced his titanium exo-
skeleton. He was good as new." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If God is love, and love is blind. . . .
does that mean that Ray Charles is God?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do brunettes tell blonde jokes? Because it gives them
something to do on a Saturday night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One-liners

The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share
the blame.

A word of advice...don't give it.

If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?

I am logged in...therefore, I am.

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over
how to load the car.

Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.

To belittle is to be little.

When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will
be no one there.

Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't
take much to improve your lot.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory
reverse mortgages.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing
a one-way street.

Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other
jobs.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering
about each other.

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the
witnesses in a jury trial?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Holiday Facts:
Chanukah, St. Lucia Day, Christmas and Kwanzaa are
all holidays where cultures use candles to symbolize an
important part of their holiday.

The Chanukah menorah has nine candles, one called the
Shamash or "the servant candle" and the other eight are
for each night of Chanukah. The Shamash is lit first and
is used to light the rest of the candles.

The name Kwanzaa comes from the African language of
Swahili and means "first fruits of the harvest."

The Christmas custom of hanging wreaths on front doors
is borrowed from ancient Rome's New Year's celebration.
Romans wished each other "good health" by exchanging
branches of evergreens. It became the custom to bend
these branches into a ring and display them on doors.

Long before it was used as a "kiss encourager", mistletoe
was considered to have magical powers according to Celtic
peoples. Celts decorated their homes with mistletoe to
ward off evil spirits and to bring good luck.

Artificial spiders and their webs are often used to adorn
Ukranian Christmas trees. According to Ukranians, so
finding a spider web on Christmas morning is thought to
bring good luck.

Christmas festivities in Mexico begin on December 16
with "Las Posadas". Every night until Christmas Eve,
children reenact the holy family's search for lodging in
Bethlehem by dressing up and traveling from house to
house, singing Spanish carols and carrying brightly
decorated "báculos" (walking staffs) or "faroles" (paper
lanterns). "Las Posadas" is Spanish for inn or shelter.

Sending a red Christmas card to anyone in Japan would be
a bad idea, since funeral notices in Japan are customarily
printed in red.


Is There a Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of request, and with
research from that renowned scientific journal SPY
magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the
annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

No known species of reindeer can fly. but there are
300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified,
and while most of these are insects and germs, this does
not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. but since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that
reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At
an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household,
that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks
to the different time zones and the rotation of the
earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes
logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with
good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park,
hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up
the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to
the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are
evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must
do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles
per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes
of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15
miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more
than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh
is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer"
(see point #1) could pull ten times the normal anount,
we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need
214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.

Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight
of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates
enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer
up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the
earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb
14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening
sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will
be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,
meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces that are
17,500.06 times greater than gravity.

A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would
be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of
force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever did deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his
girlfriend, Jung Lee, were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Heyu
baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, no now, rets rook at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's play Weeweechu. I love you and it's
the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee. Just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play
Weeweechu."So Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they
both sang...
"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and a happy New Year."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The network is planning another "Survivor " this winter.
In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas style".

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco,
Austin, San Antonio, down to Houston and Brownsville.
They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to
Midland/Odessa, up to Lubbock and Amarillo. From there,
they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to
Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper
sticker that reads, "I am gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I
am here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas, wins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked,"Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes,"he answered.

She asked,"Does it work?"

"Yes,"he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?"she asked.

"I can if I take two,"he answered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the number one top Oxymoron
1. Microsoft Works

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After
driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained. "I'm afraid theneighbors will talk if I let you
stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather
had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but
he finally determinedthat it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped
in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a hot summer day a blonde decides to stop at the
coke machine to get a coke. She drops her change in and
out pops the coke. Since it is a hot summer day a line is
forming behind her and she keeps dropping more change
in and getting more cokes.

Finally a man tells her to hurry up because their are
others that are thristy.

She says "Not now I'm winning, I'm winning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime




SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.




GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.




HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also thanks to Mike:
Dingell’s HOLIDAY Jingle for O’Reilly and House GOP
Washington, DC - Congressman John D. Dingell (MI-15)
recited the following poem on the floor of the US House
of Representatives concerning House Resolution 579,
which expressed the sense of the House of Representatives
that the symbols and traditions of Christmas should be
protected. “Preserving Christmas” has been a frequent
topic for conservative talk show hosts, including Fox
News’s Bill O’Reilly:

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the
House
No bills were passed ‘bout which Fox News could grouse;

Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,
So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;

Katrina kids were nestled all snug in motel beds,
While visions of school and home danced in their heads;

In Iraq our soldiers needed supplies and a plan,
Plus nuclear weapons were being built in Iran;

Gas prices shot up, consumer confidence fell;
Americans feared we were on a fast track to…well…

Wait--- we need a distraction--- something divisive and
wily;
A fabrication straight from the mouth of O’Reilly

We can pretend that Christmas is under attack
Hold a vote to save it--- then pat ourselves on the back;

Silent Night, First Noel, Away in the Manger
Wake up Congress, they’re in no danger!

This time of year we see Christmas every where we go,
From churches, to homes, to schools, and yes…even
Costco;

What we have is an attempt to divide and destroy,
When this is the season to unite us with joy

At Christmas time we’re taught to unite,
We don’t need a made-up reason to fight

So on O’Reilly, on Hannity, on Coulter, and those right
wing blogs;
You should just sit back, relax…have a few egg nogs!

‘Tis the holiday season: enjoy it a pinch
With all our real problems, do we honestly need another
Grinch?

So to my friends and my colleagues I say with delight,
A merry Christmas to all,

and to Bill O’Reilly…Happy Holidays.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You may have heard this joke before...but ots a good one
so thanks to my sister:

A father leaves work a little late one night and on his way
home, he remembers that it's Christmas Eve and he hasn't
bought a gift for his daughter. He parks his car in front of
a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the
Barbie in the window?"

With a convincing voice the salesperson replies, "Well we
have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie plays
Volleyball' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie goes Dancing'
for $19.95, and ' Divorced Barbie' for $265.95."

The surprised man asks, "What? Why does the divorced
Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?"
Taking a deep breath, the salesperson responds, "Sir...
the 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's house,
Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, and one of
Ken's friends."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Annual Office Christmas Party I'm happy to inform
you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private function
room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and
plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel
free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can
be done at that time, however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special
announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians
or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will
be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from
a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-
drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no
gifts exchange are allowed since the union members
feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS
EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no
idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during day-
light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you
to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats
for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we
suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics,
the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party Vegetarians?!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as
you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad
bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In
the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Happy Holidays!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From doctordialtone.com

Why English Is So Tough:

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
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If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Thanks and have a great week!

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 49

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 49 December 12, 2005

Well are you making a list and checking it twice these
days? I hope most of us are being less naughty and
more nice but the email virus folks have been busy

More worms and threats for AOL Messenger users
http://news.com.com/2102-7349_3-5984845.html
and MSN/Hotmail users
http://news.com.com/2102-7349_3-5980987.html
What's next?
http://news.com.com/2102-7349_3-5985950.html


Thanks to Amanda for this great site with free animated gifs
http://www.gifanimations.com/index.jsp


Erin sent this spectacular eBay listing she says "On par
with, or maybe better than, the Wedding Dress Guy. If
you have time, read the questions submitted to the seller,
and also read the feedback he left for others. Ebay rules.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8335653541


***************************************************
*
* While you are on eBay see my holiday gift items for sale,
* Disney jewelry (Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore, Piglet, and Mickey
* Mouse), also Stering Silver pendants, and earrings.
* There are some collectibles and software too. Please
* share this link with your friends. Thanks!
* http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZbaubles-and-bling-blingQQhtZ-1
*
***************************************************


Like I always say you can sell anything on eBay even a
Microsoft flaw (or you can try to)
http://news.zdnet.com/2100-1009_22-5989078.html

eBay has Guides and Product Reviews online now:
http://reviews.ebay.com/


I don't know if I reported this to you but there is a
phishing site that springs from the IRS actual site
which prompted this report from the government on
phishing (guess what? it's not their fault. . . imagine
that . . . in a regime that refuses to take responsibility
what else would you expect?)
http://blogs.washingtonpost.com/securityfix/2005/12/govt_fake_web_s.html


Free image hosting for eBay
http://xs.to/faq.php


Debbie sent me to this experiment
http://www.gogratitude.com/masterkey/



"The purpose of this site is to create a daily experience
of humor, inspiration and creative problem solving. The
combination of these three elements, if practiced daily,
will open the mind, allowing creative genius to blossom.
With this method you can stimulate creative thinking
habits and add a little delight to your day. "
http://enchantedmind.com/index.html



If you need a bit of calm (or news in a hurry) try these pics
(Time has the Top 10 for 2005)
http://www.time.com/time/potw/
or
http://news.com.com/Week+in+pictures:+Planetary+hues,+bird
or
http://www.cnn.com/interactive/world/europe/0101/davos.gallery/frameset.exclude.html
or
http://customwire.ap.org/specials/interactives/photoweek/
or
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3842331/

30 Hi Tech Gifts for Under $30
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/13.12/tools.html?pg=6


More great deals for the holidays:
Sirius radio receiver for $19.99 after rebate
http://news.com.com/Deal+of+the+day:+Sirius+radio+receiver+for+$19.99/2110-1041_3-5989371.html?tag=fd_nbs_ent&tag=nl.e433

Check for the best shipping rates:
http://www.iship.com/default.htm

Mike sent this interactive Christmas Card from Ashland
U (It's a slow loading card so if that is a problem skip it).
www.ashland.edu/ecard


Do you remember the leg lamp in A Christmas Story?
Well Mike sent us the link so you can have one:
http://www.redriderleglamps.com/
He also said "Now don’t put your eye out!"

Mike also sent the link to the Shakespearean insult page: http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker
Click on the “insult me again button” for a fresh insult from Bill.



Pegboard game
http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Pegs/

And from the same guy an email reminder you can use
http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Remind/


Play Web Jotto, just guess the word:
http://www.worldvillage.com/jchuang/Games/WebJotto/newgame.cgi


Look here for information about the development of electric
Christmas lighting in America during the 1900-1950 time
period, the years this collector considers to be the Golden
Age of electric Christmas lighting.
http://www.oldchristmaslights.com/

The site contains many interesting facts including the following:
"Montgomery Wards inadvertently gave the American public
two well known Christmas treasures: the bubble light and
Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer. The original story of
Rudolph, a bit different than the one we know today, first
appeared in a children's giveaway booklet in 1939. "

"The character became a runaway hit. Also, Carl Otis, the
inventor of the bubble light, worked as an accountant for
the company. Wards did not sponsor Carl's invention, and
he eventually sold it to NOMA. It became the biggest selling
Christmas light in history up to that time. "


You all know by now I am a big fan of Google but just in
case you want to try something new, here is another great
search engine which separates results into categories (web,
news, whitepages, yellowpages, and even health sites)
http://www.mamma.com/



Good news for most of us Caffeine is good for you:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/04/AR2005120400950.html



Amazing stories, how things came to be like aspirin, Pez,
Bandaids, Q-tips and many more here:
http://home.nycap.rr.com/useless/site_index/index.html


Mr. Smarty Pants Knows has appeared weekly in The
Austin Chronicle since September 23, 1988 If you click
on the weekly column and then on the link to his name
you can see over 300 weekly columns or just ask at:
http://www.austinchronicle.com/mrpants/index.html


Much like iVillage this site from England has lots of
channels aimed at women
http://www.icircle.com/sitemap/



On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most of us miss out on life's big prizes.
The Pulitzer.
The Nobel.
Oscars.
Tonys.
Emmys.

But we're all eligible for life's small pleasures.
A pat on the back.
A kiss behind the ear.
A four-poundbass.
A full moon.
An empty parking space.
A crackling fire.
A great meal.
A glorious sunset.
Hot soup.
Cold beer.
~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time
and annoys the pig.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Next time they give you all that civic crap about voting,
keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free demo-
cratic election." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may
arrive without religion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coffee isn't my cup of tea. ~~ Samuel Goldwyn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
~~ Tommy Cooper

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal
computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made
people more productive at the office. Except for the six
hours a day they are emailing friends, sufing the Internet,
and playing solitaire!" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

Why do they say you're never too old to learn if you can't
teach an old dog new tricks?

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but
broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small
medium at large.

Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed
in the end.

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the night before Christmas...Mommy style
'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring,
she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping,
all snug in their beds,
while visions of XBox 360 & Barbie,
flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the Mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "NOW what's the matter?

"With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug,
"Oh great," muttered the Mom,"now I have to clean the rug!"

"Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa,
"I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially
difficult to make.""

Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?"
"Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat."

Then out walked the clone -- the mother's twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young The Restless."

"Fantastic!" the Mom cheered.
"My dream has come true!"
"I'll shop, I'll read,
I'll sleep a night through!"

"From the room above, the youngest did fret.
"Mommy?! Come quickly, I'm scared and I'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the Mom smiled, "she sure knows her part.

"The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "And I love you, too."

The Mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's LOVE she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely, Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here."

The Mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed."
Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head."
"I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old for my cradle and song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right."

Sometimes we need reminding of what life is all about.
Especially at times during the holiday season,
when all we seem to do is clean and bake and shop
and and and and and and... You get the picture, I'm sure.
So stop for a moment and hug that little one so special,
whether he/she is 2 or 22, or even older than that.
For they are the Gift that God gave us in life...
and what a gift to be treasured, far above any other!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Martha had her way. For instance:
10. Palm penmanship: Forget the Palm's perplexing Graffiti
system; from now on, Calligraffiti.

9. Homemade RAM: Hand-select grains of silicon from the
beach. Spread on cookie sheet and melt in 2,605-degree
oven. Cut into squares with a diamond-edged pizza wheel
and fuse together with hot glue gun. Wrap in colored
cellophane and tie with raffia. Makes a lovely holiday gift.

8. Specially brewed programming language: Java now
known as a "Grande Double Decaf Amaretto Latte With
No Foam."

7. Antiqued PCs: Give your desktop that old-world, Apple IIe
feel. With a soft brush, lightly apply crackle coating.
Remove 90 percent of the memory. Then, toss down stairs.

6. Civilized cell phones: Replace those cell-phone rings with
your own recording of birdsong. Or try an MP3 of Vivaldi's
"The Four Seasons." It's a good thing.

5. Hot new collectors' item: Fiestaware satellite dishes.

4. Best in show: Sony Aibo travel kit comes with a wicker
waste tote, a Hartz 2-in-1 debugging collar, and a pink
tulle bow.

3. Grandma's blackberry crisp recipe: No more pesky
e-mails! Scrape off keys (set aside for a crumble). Fold in
sugar, flour, and two eggs. Add lemon zest and bake until
beeping stops.

2. High-tech severance package: Two Bartlett pears, a
clump of Armenian jasmine bound in cheesecloth, and a
packet of three handheld styli. Available for a limited
time only.

1. Country garden computing: Transform a rustic wheel-
barrow, an iron gate, and 37 heirloom tomato seeds into
a cutting edge 3GHz Pentium 4 PC.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed
a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my
dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be
more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on
car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list:
"Wean kids."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The airlines are working much harder to deal with the
problem of lost luggage. This morning I saw a picture of
my suitcase on a milk carton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to
his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with
pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of
his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach
down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land
this plane here without wheels!"

The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster. Continuing home, he landed the plane on the
lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said
to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's
the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out... right
into the water.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DOE RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have my changed my system for labeling homemade
freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I
used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he
wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those
things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really
likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new
set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't
Care," "Something Good," or "Food."

My frustration is now reduced because no matter what
my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for
dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appoint-
ment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she
was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my
cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Bob for these
Martha vs Maxine

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your
feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use
a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine's Way *
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant "fix-me-up."

*Maxine's Way *
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it
and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refriger-
ator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Maxine's Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish-
washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes
opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way *
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO !!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maxine also says:

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has
the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands
of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's much more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and
Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting
on an Open Fire

8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out,
I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland
Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that
maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take
a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and
made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that
the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few
days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light
bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and
recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my
co- worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked
her " ...And where do you think you're going?"

( You're gonna love this..... ) Scroll Down...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my holiday gift items on eBay!http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZbaubles-and-bling-blingQQhtZ-1

Thanks and have a great week!

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 48

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 48 December 5, 2005

One of the big news announcements for those of us who
travel by plane may be the relaxation of the rules about
sharp object on planes. For those who don't let me explain
that this had reached ridiculous proportions where little
old ladies could not carry crochet hooks but yet any test
resulted in dangerous weapons coming aboard easily.
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/11/30/D8E6T3FG1.html

Mike sent this great example of Christmas lights and
suggests we turn up the volume. While there take a peek
at the Top 50 (link at top of page):
http://media.putfile.com/WizardsofWinter-SM

***************************************************
*
* Exciting news! I have holiday gift items for sale on eBay,
* Disney jewelry (Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore, Piglet, and Mickey
* Mouse), also Stering Silver pendants, and earrings.
* There are some collectibles and software too.
* http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZbaubles-and-bling-blingQQhtZ-1
*
***************************************************


Thinking books for a holiday gift? Here are theTop 100
according to the NY Times Book Review:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/04/books/review/notable-books2005.html


Cool holiday projects
http://www.yasutomo.com/project/paperstar.htm
http://www.hp.com/projects


Register at the Boomer Coalition Web site and receive 100
free song downloads by clicking the link and registering with
http://www.eMusic.com
http://www.boomercoalition.org



Online coupons and deals found at
http://www.ebates.com/
http://www.couponcraze.com/
http://www.couponmountain.com/
http://www.momsview.com/deals.shtml

Shopping bargins to be found at
http://shopping.com/
http://www.shopzilla.com/
http://shopping.yahoo.com/
http://froogle.google.com/
http://www.Shop.org
http://www.smartbargains.com

It"s Christmas Tree Week so check out these cute cards:
http://www.123greetings.com/events/christmas_tree_week/

More Winter Cards to send
http://www.brookviewcottage.com/miles/cards/viewwinter.html
http://www.brookviewcottage.com/miles/cards/cardsr.html
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=0212320003


A new service opened last week, a personal Web site where
you can upload photos, MP3 files, video clips and even Word,
PowerPoint and PDF documents the manage or share them
by invitation via email or webpage then limit how many
times somebody plays or watches something, or specify a
window of opportunity (say, Dec. 5 to 20) for people's access.
Then next year they promise even more features: shopping,
chat, search, and calendar features all in one nice integrated
service. Still some glitches but you can get a free account with
100 MG storage to try it out, who knows this may be a winner.
http://www.glidedigital.com/


Microsoft bought this competitor recently so I would beware
their free price tag now. We all have had experience with the
free today and gone tomorrow programs. It's just too crazy
when you suddenly have large numbers of photos to store.
https://www.foldershare.com/

Another synching and sharing tool with free and paid types
of accounts with many of the same features.
http://beinsync.com/


For a quick overview on these types of products:
http://www.cio.com/blog_view.html?CID=12416

Free file hosting site links:
http://copylog.blogspot.com/2005/11/big-collection-of-free-file-hosting.html


46 Best Freeware Utilities
http://www.techsupportalert.com/best_46_free_utilities.htm



Although the title is "Google--what you get for $400 a
share", this really is a good overview of the features that
Google offers and what is available free or for fee.
http://news.com.com/Google--what+you+get+for+$400+a+share/2009-1038_3-5969175.html



When they talk about "having chemistry" they may not
be kidding or speaking figuratively.
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=healthNews&storyID=2005-11-29T173347Z_01_FLE961455_RTRUKOC_0_US-LOVE-MOLECULE.xml




NPR is a wonderful resource and you can listen to many
fine public radio stations right on your computer:
http://www.npr.org/programs/specials/driveway/


Libraries exist to preserve society’s cultural artifacts and
to provide access to them. The Internet Archive works
to prevent the Internet ... and other "born-digital"
materials from disappearing into the past. Music, text
and video are all avilable here:
http://www.archive.org


Free Games to play online
http://www.crazy-jokes.com/arcade-games/index.shtml
http://www.playfreegamesarcade.com/
http://www.worldvillage.com/wvgames/index.html



So we are at that point of the year when what to do with
the end of the leftover Halloween candy rears its head.
Suggestions and recipes here:
http://www.parenthood.com/articles.html?article_id=3065
http://www.nydailynews.com/city_life/story/361380p-307867c.html
http://www.caller2.com/2001/october/31/today/fea-food/16256.html
http://www.thedailyjournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051102/LIFESTYLE/511020301/1024
http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/cat/376/0.shtml
http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?t=65870


While I was looking at those I found CandyBlog. It includes
basics about cost, size, where to find it, calories, photos and
a basic rating plus subjective observations on candies:
http://www.typetive.com/candyblog/


ROTFLMAO The Festivus Blog and links to aluminum
Festivus Poles for sale!
http://thefestivuspole.com/blog.htm


Not sure if this is a laugh or if they are serious
http://www.fixedearth.com/





On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The most important thing I have learned over the years
is the difference between taking one's work seriously and
taking one's self seriously. The first is imperative, and
the second disastrous. ~~ Margaret Fontey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While listening to an oldies radio station, my six-year-old
evidently got the 60's mixed up with the 21st century.
Instead of singing along, "Goin' to the chapel/ And we're
gonna get married," I heard him sing, "Goin' to the chat
room/ And we're gonna get married."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold
Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I'm glad
she didn't sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would
turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department
store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother
on the down escalator. He said, 'Mommy, what do they do
when the basement gets full of steps?'" ~~ Hal Linden

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There's a religious group that goes door-to-door selling
cosmetics. They call themselves the Jo-joba's witnesses."
~~ Jeannie Dietz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting on the sofa with my teenage son, discussing
his day at school. "Mom," he said, "there's going to be a
dance at the school this Friday and it's going to be formal.
Could I get a new pair of sneakers?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

A Pat On The Back Is Only A Few Centimeters
From A Kick In The Butt.

A Rich Man's Display Of Generosity
Is Like A Dog Walking On His Hind Legs.
It Is Rarely Done Well. But, We Are Still
Surprised To Find It Done At All.

Adversity Makes Men
And Prosperity Makes Monsters.

Be Not Too Hasty To Trust Or Admire
The Teachers Of Morality.
They Discourse Like Angels.
But, They Live Like Men.

Beware The Man Of One Book

Consider The Lilies Of The Field, How They Grow;
They Toil Not, Neither Do They Spin.

Don't Sweat The Petty Things
And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

Don't Take Life Too Seriously -
You Won't Get Out Alive!

Experience Is Something You Don't Get
Until Just After You Need It.

He, Who Sacrifices His Conscience To Ambition,
Burns A Picture To Obtain The Ashes.

Hot water does not need to be heated.

If It Weren't For The Last Minute,
Nothing Would Get Done.

It's Easier To Obtain Forgiveness
Than Permission.

Never Put Off Until Tomorrow
What You Can Avoid Doing Altogether.

Procrastination Is The Art Of
Keeping Up With Yesterday.

Reality Is When It Happens To You.

Some Days You're The Pigeon -
Some Days You're The Statue.

The Hardest Thing To Learn In Life Is
Which Bridge To Cross And Which To Burn.

The Leopard Cannot Change Its Spots.

There's More Than One Way To Skin A Cat.

Those Who Abandon Their Dreams
Will Discourage Yours.

Those Who Cannot Remember The Past
Are Condemned To Repeat It.

Nearly All Men Can Stand Adversity.
But, If You Want To Test A Man's Character,
Give Him Power.

You Can't Tell Which Way The Train Went
By Looking At The Track.

You Can't Unscramble An Egg.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking
accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find
two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr.
Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me
the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this
morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he
asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she
had two 25 pound king crabs and six good-size
Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again
tomorrow."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses, and I forgot all about the other
eleven days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN ON HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You - off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 yrs.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you
realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Parents Have Gray Hair
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers.He dialed the employee's home number and
was greetedwith a child's whispered, "Hello".

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to
the youngster the boss asked " Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the boss asked.

To his surprise the small voice whispered "No"

Wanting to talk with an adult, he asked "Is your Mommy
there?"

"Yes" came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered "No".

Knowing that it was unlikely that a young child would
be left alone, the boss decided he would leave a message
with the person who should be there watching the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked
the child.

"Yes" whispered the child "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." came
the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even more worried as he heard
what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on
the phone the boss asked "What is that noise?"

"A hello copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The
search team just landed the hello copper".

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated
the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle "Me".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman's guide to understanding men...
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relation-
ship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even
retired General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department
is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
Think about it! How many women's sports use something
called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is
on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men.
I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no,
I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's
another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If
your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping
next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The
husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his
wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their
room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, a train
passes by very close to the window and shakes the room
so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down
once more. But just a few minutes later a train again
shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the
manager who says he'll be right up. The manager is
skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look...
lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the
manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What
are you doing in here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm
waiting for a train?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

If you're from Wisconsin, most likely:

* Your best shirt has big letters GB on it.

* FFA was the most popular club in high school.

* You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

* You know that there is no 'r' in Wausau.

* You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for
your 3rd birthday.

* You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving.

* You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

* You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone
unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign.

* You get irritated at sports announcers who pronounce it
"Wes-con-sin."

* You own at least one cheese head.

* You hear someone use the word "uff-dah" and you don't
immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.

* You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a
county fair.

* You know that "combine" is a noun.

* You know that a pastie is not an article of clothing.

* You let your older siblings talk you into putting your
tongue on a steel post.

* You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

* You can tell the difference between "real Wisconsin cheese"
and "that Illinois stuff."

* You know that creek rhymes with pick.

* Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.

* You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark,
Berlin, and Poland all in one afternoon.

* A Friday night date is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

* There was at least one kid in your class who had to help
milk cows in the morning...phew!

* You have driven your car on a lake.

* You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and "batree."

* The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no
matter what the standings are.

* You know that De Pere is not a wooden structure extending
into "Da Lake."

* You can leave your ice cream in the car while you go into
Fleet Farm, and it won't melt.

* You always believed that vacation meant "going up north."

* You have more fishing poles than teeth.

* At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance
the hokey pokey & the chicken dance.

* You know what a bubbler is.

* Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

* The local gas station sells live bait.

* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-
processing plant.

* You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about
a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast.

* Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know
exactly what she means.

* Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

* You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

* You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels
were off your bike.

* Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

* The roads in your rural community are all named after
a person living on it.

* You actually understand these jokes and forward them
to all your Wisconsin friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Mesa,
Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old
Timer Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each
other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the
room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it
be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully-stocked bar,
so each of the men ask for a martini.In short order, the
bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred,
and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then
look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They
pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another
round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the
bartender again saying,"That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they
can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they
have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says,
"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for
a dime apiece?"

"Here's my story," the bartender said. "I'm a retired tailor
from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year
I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four
of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a
drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the
whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar
without drinks and asks the bartender. "What's with
them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're from Wisconsin.
They're waiting for happy hour at 5 o'clock when drinks
are half price."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
Dear Tide Company,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom
always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my
fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot
of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,
but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the
supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with
bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who
came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my
blouse were negative and then my attorney called and
said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in
the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again,
for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to
write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one:

Thank You So Much for Sending Me "Forwards"
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have
taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over
the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet
towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub
the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper
since the people who make these products are atheists
who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by
UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once
I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I
have 363,214 Angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending
me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that
I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this
afternoon. I know this will occur because it did actually
happen to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-
in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:

Why You Never Question a Drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 2 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier
was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt
and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her Marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly....."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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