Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 48

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 48 December 5, 2005

One of the big news announcements for those of us who
travel by plane may be the relaxation of the rules about
sharp object on planes. For those who don't let me explain
that this had reached ridiculous proportions where little
old ladies could not carry crochet hooks but yet any test
resulted in dangerous weapons coming aboard easily.
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/11/30/D8E6T3FG1.html

Mike sent this great example of Christmas lights and
suggests we turn up the volume. While there take a peek
at the Top 50 (link at top of page):
http://media.putfile.com/WizardsofWinter-SM

***************************************************
*
* Exciting news! I have holiday gift items for sale on eBay,
* Disney jewelry (Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore, Piglet, and Mickey
* Mouse), also Stering Silver pendants, and earrings.
* There are some collectibles and software too.
* http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZbaubles-and-bling-blingQQhtZ-1
*
***************************************************


Thinking books for a holiday gift? Here are theTop 100
according to the NY Times Book Review:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/04/books/review/notable-books2005.html


Cool holiday projects
http://www.yasutomo.com/project/paperstar.htm
http://www.hp.com/projects


Register at the Boomer Coalition Web site and receive 100
free song downloads by clicking the link and registering with
http://www.eMusic.com
http://www.boomercoalition.org



Online coupons and deals found at
http://www.ebates.com/
http://www.couponcraze.com/
http://www.couponmountain.com/
http://www.momsview.com/deals.shtml

Shopping bargins to be found at
http://shopping.com/
http://www.shopzilla.com/
http://shopping.yahoo.com/
http://froogle.google.com/
http://www.Shop.org
http://www.smartbargains.com

It"s Christmas Tree Week so check out these cute cards:
http://www.123greetings.com/events/christmas_tree_week/

More Winter Cards to send
http://www.brookviewcottage.com/miles/cards/viewwinter.html
http://www.brookviewcottage.com/miles/cards/cardsr.html
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=0212320003


A new service opened last week, a personal Web site where
you can upload photos, MP3 files, video clips and even Word,
PowerPoint and PDF documents the manage or share them
by invitation via email or webpage then limit how many
times somebody plays or watches something, or specify a
window of opportunity (say, Dec. 5 to 20) for people's access.
Then next year they promise even more features: shopping,
chat, search, and calendar features all in one nice integrated
service. Still some glitches but you can get a free account with
100 MG storage to try it out, who knows this may be a winner.
http://www.glidedigital.com/


Microsoft bought this competitor recently so I would beware
their free price tag now. We all have had experience with the
free today and gone tomorrow programs. It's just too crazy
when you suddenly have large numbers of photos to store.
https://www.foldershare.com/

Another synching and sharing tool with free and paid types
of accounts with many of the same features.
http://beinsync.com/


For a quick overview on these types of products:
http://www.cio.com/blog_view.html?CID=12416

Free file hosting site links:
http://copylog.blogspot.com/2005/11/big-collection-of-free-file-hosting.html


46 Best Freeware Utilities
http://www.techsupportalert.com/best_46_free_utilities.htm



Although the title is "Google--what you get for $400 a
share", this really is a good overview of the features that
Google offers and what is available free or for fee.
http://news.com.com/Google--what+you+get+for+$400+a+share/2009-1038_3-5969175.html



When they talk about "having chemistry" they may not
be kidding or speaking figuratively.
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=healthNews&storyID=2005-11-29T173347Z_01_FLE961455_RTRUKOC_0_US-LOVE-MOLECULE.xml




NPR is a wonderful resource and you can listen to many
fine public radio stations right on your computer:
http://www.npr.org/programs/specials/driveway/


Libraries exist to preserve society’s cultural artifacts and
to provide access to them. The Internet Archive works
to prevent the Internet ... and other "born-digital"
materials from disappearing into the past. Music, text
and video are all avilable here:
http://www.archive.org


Free Games to play online
http://www.crazy-jokes.com/arcade-games/index.shtml
http://www.playfreegamesarcade.com/
http://www.worldvillage.com/wvgames/index.html



So we are at that point of the year when what to do with
the end of the leftover Halloween candy rears its head.
Suggestions and recipes here:
http://www.parenthood.com/articles.html?article_id=3065
http://www.nydailynews.com/city_life/story/361380p-307867c.html
http://www.caller2.com/2001/october/31/today/fea-food/16256.html
http://www.thedailyjournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051102/LIFESTYLE/511020301/1024
http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/cat/376/0.shtml
http://community.cookinglight.com/showthread.php?t=65870


While I was looking at those I found CandyBlog. It includes
basics about cost, size, where to find it, calories, photos and
a basic rating plus subjective observations on candies:
http://www.typetive.com/candyblog/


ROTFLMAO The Festivus Blog and links to aluminum
Festivus Poles for sale!
http://thefestivuspole.com/blog.htm


Not sure if this is a laugh or if they are serious
http://www.fixedearth.com/





On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The most important thing I have learned over the years
is the difference between taking one's work seriously and
taking one's self seriously. The first is imperative, and
the second disastrous. ~~ Margaret Fontey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While listening to an oldies radio station, my six-year-old
evidently got the 60's mixed up with the 21st century.
Instead of singing along, "Goin' to the chapel/ And we're
gonna get married," I heard him sing, "Goin' to the chat
room/ And we're gonna get married."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold
Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I'm glad
she didn't sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would
turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Recently, while I was on a shopping trip in a department
store, I heard a little five-year-old talking to his mother
on the down escalator. He said, 'Mommy, what do they do
when the basement gets full of steps?'" ~~ Hal Linden

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There's a religious group that goes door-to-door selling
cosmetics. They call themselves the Jo-joba's witnesses."
~~ Jeannie Dietz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting on the sofa with my teenage son, discussing
his day at school. "Mom," he said, "there's going to be a
dance at the school this Friday and it's going to be formal.
Could I get a new pair of sneakers?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

A Pat On The Back Is Only A Few Centimeters
From A Kick In The Butt.

A Rich Man's Display Of Generosity
Is Like A Dog Walking On His Hind Legs.
It Is Rarely Done Well. But, We Are Still
Surprised To Find It Done At All.

Adversity Makes Men
And Prosperity Makes Monsters.

Be Not Too Hasty To Trust Or Admire
The Teachers Of Morality.
They Discourse Like Angels.
But, They Live Like Men.

Beware The Man Of One Book

Consider The Lilies Of The Field, How They Grow;
They Toil Not, Neither Do They Spin.

Don't Sweat The Petty Things
And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

Don't Take Life Too Seriously -
You Won't Get Out Alive!

Experience Is Something You Don't Get
Until Just After You Need It.

He, Who Sacrifices His Conscience To Ambition,
Burns A Picture To Obtain The Ashes.

Hot water does not need to be heated.

If It Weren't For The Last Minute,
Nothing Would Get Done.

It's Easier To Obtain Forgiveness
Than Permission.

Never Put Off Until Tomorrow
What You Can Avoid Doing Altogether.

Procrastination Is The Art Of
Keeping Up With Yesterday.

Reality Is When It Happens To You.

Some Days You're The Pigeon -
Some Days You're The Statue.

The Hardest Thing To Learn In Life Is
Which Bridge To Cross And Which To Burn.

The Leopard Cannot Change Its Spots.

There's More Than One Way To Skin A Cat.

Those Who Abandon Their Dreams
Will Discourage Yours.

Those Who Cannot Remember The Past
Are Condemned To Repeat It.

Nearly All Men Can Stand Adversity.
But, If You Want To Test A Man's Character,
Give Him Power.

You Can't Tell Which Way The Train Went
By Looking At The Track.

You Can't Unscramble An Egg.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking
accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find
two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr.
Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have
some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me
the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this
morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he
asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she
had two 25 pound king crabs and six good-size
Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good
news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again
tomorrow."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses, and I forgot all about the other
eleven days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN ON HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You - off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 yrs.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you
realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Parents Have Gray Hair
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers.He dialed the employee's home number and
was greetedwith a child's whispered, "Hello".

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to
the youngster the boss asked " Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the boss asked.

To his surprise the small voice whispered "No"

Wanting to talk with an adult, he asked "Is your Mommy
there?"

"Yes" came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered "No".

Knowing that it was unlikely that a young child would
be left alone, the boss decided he would leave a message
with the person who should be there watching the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked
the child.

"Yes" whispered the child "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." came
the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even more worried as he heard
what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on
the phone the boss asked "What is that noise?"

"A hello copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The
search team just landed the hello copper".

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated
the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle "Me".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman's guide to understanding men...
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relation-
ship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even
retired General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department
is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
Think about it! How many women's sports use something
called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is
on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men.
I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no,
I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's
another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If
your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping
next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The
husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his
wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their
room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, a train
passes by very close to the window and shakes the room
so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down
once more. But just a few minutes later a train again
shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the
manager who says he'll be right up. The manager is
skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look...
lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the
manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What
are you doing in here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm
waiting for a train?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

If you're from Wisconsin, most likely:

* Your best shirt has big letters GB on it.

* FFA was the most popular club in high school.

* You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

* You know that there is no 'r' in Wausau.

* You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for
your 3rd birthday.

* You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving.

* You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

* You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone
unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign.

* You get irritated at sports announcers who pronounce it
"Wes-con-sin."

* You own at least one cheese head.

* You hear someone use the word "uff-dah" and you don't
immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.

* You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a
county fair.

* You know that "combine" is a noun.

* You know that a pastie is not an article of clothing.

* You let your older siblings talk you into putting your
tongue on a steel post.

* You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

* You can tell the difference between "real Wisconsin cheese"
and "that Illinois stuff."

* You know that creek rhymes with pick.

* Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.

* You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark,
Berlin, and Poland all in one afternoon.

* A Friday night date is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

* There was at least one kid in your class who had to help
milk cows in the morning...phew!

* You have driven your car on a lake.

* You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and "batree."

* The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no
matter what the standings are.

* You know that De Pere is not a wooden structure extending
into "Da Lake."

* You can leave your ice cream in the car while you go into
Fleet Farm, and it won't melt.

* You always believed that vacation meant "going up north."

* You have more fishing poles than teeth.

* At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance
the hokey pokey & the chicken dance.

* You know what a bubbler is.

* Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

* The local gas station sells live bait.

* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-
processing plant.

* You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about
a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast.

* Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know
exactly what she means.

* Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

* You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

* You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels
were off your bike.

* Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

* The roads in your rural community are all named after
a person living on it.

* You actually understand these jokes and forward them
to all your Wisconsin friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Mesa,
Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old
Timer Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each
other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the
room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it
be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully-stocked bar,
so each of the men ask for a martini.In short order, the
bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred,
and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then
look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They
pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another
round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the
bartender again saying,"That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they
can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they
have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says,
"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for
a dime apiece?"

"Here's my story," the bartender said. "I'm a retired tailor
from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year
I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four
of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a
drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the
whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar
without drinks and asks the bartender. "What's with
them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're from Wisconsin.
They're waiting for happy hour at 5 o'clock when drinks
are half price."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
Dear Tide Company,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom
always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my
fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot
of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,
but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the
supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with
bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who
came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my
blouse were negative and then my attorney called and
said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in
the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again,
for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to
write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one:

Thank You So Much for Sending Me "Forwards"
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have
taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over
the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet
towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub
the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper
since the people who make these products are atheists
who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by
UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once
I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I
have 363,214 Angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending
me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that
I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this
afternoon. I know this will occur because it did actually
happen to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-
in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:

Why You Never Question a Drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 2 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier
was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt
and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her Marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly....."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Don't forget to check out my holiday gift items on eBay!
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZbaubles-and-bling-blingQQhtZ-1

Thanks and have a great week!