Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 47

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 47 November 28, 2005

Did everybody enjoy their Thanksgiving? I know I did!
Spent a few days with the grandkids plus had two yummy
birds a few days apart with all of the trimmings too!

For those who wonder why the bird takes so long:
http://www.exploratorium.edu/cooking/turkey/

And for those who want to analyze the cooking experience:
http://www.cookingforengineers.com/


Andrea sent this warning (not a joke):
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim
within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke
...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized,
diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3-hours which
is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Remember the "3" steps. Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.
Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster.
The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people
nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by
asking three simple questions:
1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH
ARMS.
3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE
(Coherently) ( i.e. . . It is sunny out today).
If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call
emergency immediately and describe the symptoms to
the dispatcher.
After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers
could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech
problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the
three questions. They presented their conclusions at the A
merican Stroke Association's annual meeting last February.
Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis
and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.
BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS
MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE. Thanks!

Also not a joke:
With the heavy shopping season ahead I want to warn you
about a new internet scheme "typosquatting" where the
scam artist copies the web site of a reputable merchant,
using a domain name (URL) that is a common misspelling
of the real URL. Always make sure the spelling of the web
site is correct. A person that entersthe wrong URL into the
browser, or comes across one listed in a search engine, can
be easily tricked into thinking they're on the legitimate site.
Some possible examples of spoof domains:
Typosquatter Domain Real Domain
Amazone.com Amazon.com
LandEnd.com LandsEnd.com
OverStocks.com OverStock.com


As you are out shopping don't let the X in Xmas ruffle your
feathers since "According to the Greek alphabet, X is the
letter Chi, which is the first letter of Christ's name, hence
the term, X-mas. "


Help for the busy shopper an A-Z Guide from Channel 3000:
http://www.channel3000.com/holidays/3959684/detail.html


Great article critiquing cleaning products from the food
editor at Channel 3000:
http://www.channel3000.com/food/3323167/detail.html


The Holiday Survival Guide
http://www.intakeweekly.com/articles/5/023629-4855-154.html


Thanks again to Andrea for this awesome challenge:
Directions: Click and hold the red square Now move it so
that you neither touch the walls nor get hit by any of the
blue blocks. If you make it to 18 seconds you are doing
brilliantly!!!
http://www.iol.ie/~dluby/escape.htm


How to save on your next hotel bill
http://everything2.com/?node_id=1755350


LibraryThing is an online service to help people catalog
their books easily. First 200 books free!
http://www.librarything.com/

Also from the library, this time the LA public Library
comes a menu collection easily searchable by keyword,
cuisine, or date, and cover a wide range of cuisine from
American to Vietnamese.
http://www.lapl.org/resources/en/menu_collection.html


Starting the 9th of December in NY, this exhibit on the
"Fashion in Colors" gives good descriptions of the work
of many bigest names in fashion (with an example of their
design style) from early 20th century to modern times:
http://ndm.si.edu/EXHIBITIONS/fashion_in_colors/

While you are there explore many of their past exhibits
http://ndm.si.edu/EXHIBITIONS/


If music is more to your taste try Show and Tell, a site
that serves as sort of an orphanage for thrift store music
and album cover art.
http://www.showandtellmusic.com/

More cover art:
http://www.317x.com/

Now the lost music is being recovered as well with a
Music Match Jukebox found free here
http://www.musicmatch.com/download/free/index.cgi?os=pc&mode=input

and a visit to the companion site finds a few of these in MP3
http://companionrecords.com/


I am awaiting the result of the $1000 home page contest
but you can still see the cool entries here:
http://art.teleportacia.org/1000$/page2.html


Dried fruits and veggies with no additives and no sugar!
http://www.justtomatoes.com/


Create wishlists, share with friends, wait for them to get
you stuff! It's that time of the year:
http://www.metawishlist.com/
http://www.greedyme.com/


THE BASIC LAWS OF HUMAN STUPIDITY (not funny)
http://www.mentalsoup.com/mentalsoup/basic.htm

Amazing what digital retouching can do:
http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/digital.html

Alas no Star Wars movie this fall but here is #4 in gif format
http://x2.putfile.com/10/29405035849.gif

It claims a site for people looking for more from their fast
food. Personally just like Martha these folks like to play
with their food way too much.
http://www.fastfoodfever.com/

If you are looking for a unique craft project here is one
from the Royal Ontario Museum to make a mummy
also included is a section on how to do Hieroglyphics
http://www.rom.on.ca/egypt/mummy/mum1.html


Miracle Fruit makes the most sour desserts sweet.
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/11/22/D8E1N8DO2.html


Free tarot card reading
http://www.readingtarot.org/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of
New Jersey won't be under water." ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Budweiser announced they are coming out with a beer
that has caffeine in it. "I am so tired in the morning. I
really don't get moving until I have my first cup of beer."
~~ Jay Leno (Apparently Jay doesn't watch Drew
Carey but someone at Budweiser does.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Saddam trial is underway and 11,000 lawyers for
Saddam have withdrawn from the case in fears of being
killed off. Now they're all working on the Tom Cruise
prenup." ~~ Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stephen Wright humor...

"I installed a skylight in my apartment...
The people who live above me are furious."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Funny Side of Marriage

* One woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied,
"Well, yes, but I married the wrong man."

* Getting married is very much like going out to a restaurant
with friends. You order what you want, then when you see
what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

* Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

* A man once said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."

* A man took out a classified ad saying "Wife wanted". The
next day he received a hundred responses saying "You can
have mine."

* Some men define marriage as a very expensive way to get
your laundry done free.

* And some learn that the most effective way to remember
your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

* When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you
know that either the wife is new - or the car is.

* Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't care!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I came home one night and my wife was crying. I said,
"whats wrong?"

She said, "I'm home sick."

I said, "This is your home."

And she said, "Yes, and I'm sick of it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Understanding Men

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.
These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relation-
ship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even
retired General Schwartzkopf.

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons.
It makes them feel important.

4. Men like to barbecue.
Men will cook if danger is involved.

5. Most men hate to shop.
That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor
of a department store, two inches from the door.

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
Think about it! How many women's sports use something
called an "instant replay?"

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is
on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men.
I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no,
I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's
another man wearing a black tuxedo."

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If
your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping
next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

11. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
someone else's.

12. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.

13. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she
asked her husband to do.

14. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never
mature anyway.

15. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
the work of five men -- a woman.

16. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough
cells per man.

17. Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's
food on the table.

18. Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign
of emotion.

19. Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but
otherwise they just look silly.

20. Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

21. Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that
bright.

22. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money,
they don't generate much interest.

23. Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once
you get the hang of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives
we live. ~~ Flora Whittemore

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make
it happen. ~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

You learn something every day if you pay attention.
~~ Ray LeBlond

I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my
diploma. ~~ Eartha Kitt

It doesn't hurt to be optimistic. You can always cry later.
~~ Lucimar Santos de Lima

Laughter is the language of the Gods. ~~ Buddhist saying

When someone does something good, applaud! You will
make two people happy. ~~ Samuel Goldwyn

"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, and a loyal friend;
provided, of course, he really is dead." --Voltaire

Discover what you love to do, for only then will your best
shine through. ~~ Anonymous

"Life is a bridge. Get over it." ~~ Anonymous

Do one thing every day that scares you. — Eleanor Roosevelt

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A priest and a rabbi were standing by the side of the road
with a sign reading, "THE END IS NEAR! Turn yourself
around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" a driver yelled,
stomping on the gas to crash through the sign, blowing
it to pieces.

From around the curve, the two men of God heard the
sound of screeching tires and a big splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the
next one we make should just say, 'Bridge Out'?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of
their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I
noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofy-
Pluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at
least four characters."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice
session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked
up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone
stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and
ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey
returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're
terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you
get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is,
does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Larry, a not too bright local football star, is jogging down
the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing
on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms."Hey,
lady," yells Larry, "throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the
woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses
it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it
comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an
awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps
six feet in the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.


The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into
cheers. Carried away, Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat
above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then he
spikes the cat into the pavement.... Touchdown!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One-liners...

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a
doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

What will today's younger generation tell their children
they had to do "without"?

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

One half of the world will never understand the other half
and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

I've discovered the whole problem with the National
Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the
government spends 7.

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it
sticks out its neck.

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people
can't hold it.

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them
around.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has
the plane fare to leave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for
my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches
on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door,
breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our
last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged,
"Please I'll pay you twice what you paid for those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my
wife's hard drive!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been
a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do. At one
gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted
explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible.
When the subject came up while I was talking with a group
of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently
declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me
and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Some people are like Slinkies.

They're not good for anything.

But, they still bring a smile to your face,

if you push them down the stairs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Rick for this one:
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's
for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?"asked one of the group.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is
going to steal Henry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also from Rick:
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident
in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42K
and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck
hunting in the winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen
over. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a
dog, and of course the new Vehicle. They drive out onto the
lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing
area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In
order to make a hole large enough to look like something a
wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to
take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two
Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want
to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far
from where they are standing (and the new Navigator),
because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the
ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go
up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-
second fuse and throw the dynamite.

"Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns, and the DOG!! Let's talk about the dog:
A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially
things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy
speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with
the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of
the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun
is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but
continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these
two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover,
under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to yell as
they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off
after his master.

Then --"BOOM!"-- the Navigator is blown to bits and sinks
to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two
idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened"
look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake
by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still has yet
to make the first of those $560..00 a month payments!!!

And you thought your day was not going well!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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