Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 38

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 38 September 26, 2005

It's that time of the year when kids are starting school
projects and papers so this issue is a bit heavy on tips
and reference material. Do yourself a favor and create
a tree structure for your bookmarks or favorites with
many branches and many smaller branches and even
smaller branches if you see an area of concentration.

Include a sub directory for for each kid in your family
directory (my family directory also includes a branch
for food and dining, one for holiday stuff, one for photos
stored online in various places) and start a reference file
for all the dictionaries, encyclopedias, converters, weight
and measure sites, (I also have subdirectories in there
for health, legal, travel, and religion).

I also have an entertainment directory with branches
that include music, visual art, movies, TV, performance
art, festivals, games, and humor. Since blues is both for
and from my websites, it's separate from music. Do the
dividing that works best for you.

The more subdirectories the better for navigation. If you
find a great site that you can use in the future just save it
to your directory rather than counting on a search engine
to get you there. You can more easily skip down through
your directory tree than search page after page of search
engine results if you take the time to save your favorites
in the proper place and periodically take time to organize.

E-mail safety tips
http://www.emailsafety.net/

Reference for units of measure including the obsolete
ones and links to other weights and measure sites
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/cdkaese/home.htm

"Brainboost actually finds answers to your questions
posed in plain English as opposed to directing you to
pages that simply mention the questions."
http://www.brainboost.com/

Customize your news by type or source
http://www.newsbleed.com/


Wow Google helps the archeologists find ruins
http://www.washtimes.com/upi/20050921-115605-4389r.htm


Thanks to Erin for this article on WI librarians
with a sexy calendar for fund raising
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050919/ap_on_fe_st/desperate_librarians



Do the few remaining people who approve of Bush know
about the threats to the environment that he has allowed?
Or do they just not care since they benefit somehow?
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/_/id/7605389


Current news on the Supreme Court
http://www.scotusblog.com/movabletype/

While we are on the topic of blogs, this article points out
the danger of believing everything you read on the net.
There are people creating hoax blogs:
http://tech2.nytimes.com/mem/technology/techreview.html?res=9C06E5D8133DF93AA15754C0A9629C8B63

Like these hoax websites listed in the Hoax Museum
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoaxsites.html

I don't know if this is a hoax or not but any time
you have just HAD IT with the neighbors check out
Joe's redneck ones, they'll make yours look great!
http://www.joespc.com/carlos/redneck.htm

Please take a moment to sign a petition here or become
active in some other way.
http://www.moveon.org/campaigns.html

The largest physical therapy online store, providing a
wide variety of PT supplies, PT equipment, and rehab
products; employee owned and operated.
http://www.wisdomking.com/


Homework help for many grades here:
http://home.mira.net/~lions/homework.htm


Excellent site regarding an Ancient Observatory built by
the Pueblo from 850-1150 AD and then they suddenly
abandoned the area. Now a National Monument visited
by 80,000 people yearly this site remains a mystery.
http://www.exploratorium.edu/chaco/

More at the Exploratorium
http://www.exploratorium.edu/chaco/

More great science sites
http://www.sciencefriday.com/pages/misc/hotlinks.html
http://www.accessexcellence.org/WN/edfave.html

Other great references
http://www.webrary.org/ref/weblinksmenu.html
http://www.loc.gov/rr/askalib/virtualref.html
http://library.rider.edu/scholarly/rlackie/Invisible/Inv_Web.html
http://resourcehelp.com/welcome.htm
http://www.neighborhoodvalues.com/links/cool/coolsites.htm

Mini encyclopedia
http://www2.cs.uh.edu/~clifton/micro.a.html

This one is a general and news resource although you can't
tell from the URL but the title is One Minute Web Guide
http://www.ancientthespians.com/


Critical Thinking links
http://www.csj.org/infoserv_idx/idx_lnk_bysubject.htm

Like Netflicks except for books and audio books
http://www.booksfree.com/

Smithsonian Websites
http://info-s.com/smithsonian.html

Just for fun a test of the postal system
http://www.improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume6/v6i4/postal-6-4.html

List of Category 5 Hurricanes
http://www.weathermatrix.net/tropical/cat5storms.htm



On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes by George Carlin

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts,
why is the original so valuable?

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-
seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course
he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

I don't believe there's any problem in ths country, no
matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll
up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and
I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a
face full of rain.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and
get paid just enough money not to quit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes by Jay Leno

I looked up the word "politics" in the dictionary, and it's
actually a combination of two words; "poli," which means
many, and "tics," which means "blood-suckers."

The Teamster's Union is broke. Things are so bad, they
may have to lay off 100 congressmen.

John Hinkley is the guy who shot President Reagan. He
recently asked the court for more freedom. He says he
wants twelve hours a month of unsupervised time.
Twelve hours a month to himself. hey, even married
guys don't get that.

There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door,
but it's the people who try to go from coach to 1st class
they really beat up.

The Supreme Court has ruled they cannot have a nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious
reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes by Bill Cosby

"Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to
say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."

Men and women belong to different species, and
communication between them is a science still in its
infancy.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

The heart of marriage is memories.

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones
who need the advice.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow
their children to come back home.


The truth is that parents are not really interested in
justice. They just want quiet.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a
person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
Think about your father: He doesn't know where
anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it
up, and your mother sends you: "Go down and see what
your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's
a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and
knows someone will be coming soon to stop him.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be
greater than your fear of failure.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve
has been extracted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good news, the crime rate in New York City is down. All
I can say is, thank you Batman!" ~~ Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking
at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then,
this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to
him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all
down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man
crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First,
I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, out-
raged, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I
found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the
cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my
whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife
was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this
bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bizarre Last Words

Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1827: "I shall hear in heaven." By the
time of his death, Beethoven was completely deaf.

Andrew Bradford, the publisher of Philadelphia's first
newspaper, 1742: "Oh Lord, forgive the errata!"

W.C. Fields, who had been flipping through the Bible on his
deathbed, 1946: "I'm looking for a loophole."

Neville Heath, the murderer who requested a glass of whiskey
as his last wish before being hanged, 1946: "You might make
that a double."

Karl Marx, after his housekeeper had asked whether he had a
final message for the world, 1883: "Go on, get out! Last
words are for fools who haven't said enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oxymorons

Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Almost exactly
alone together
Civil engineer
Clearly confused
Constant variable
Deafening silence
Definite maybe
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extinct life
Found missing
Free love
Freezer burn
Genuine imitation
Hell's Angels
Larger half
Liquid gas
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
Minor crisis
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
Original copies
Plastic glasses
Pretty ugly
Rolling stop
Same difference
Seriously funny
Tragic comedy
Unbiased opinion
Virtual reality
Working holiday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found

Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead

Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)

Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows XP"

Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years C: 12 months


At end of useful life
D: euthanasia
C: tax deduction

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world.
What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two
caddies!"

"Oh, it was my wife's idea."

"Your wife?"

"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend
more time with the kids."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cat Person Profile Quiz
Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in
the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme?
Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?"

Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person,"
shall we? See how many of these can you give an
HONEST "yes" answer to:

--Can you meow so well that you can fake out your
own cats?

--Have you ever called your husband/wife by the
cat's name by mistake?

--Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"

--Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an
apartment based solely on the potential spot for
the litterbox?

--Do you think cat hair in your food is a good
source of protein?

--Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more
money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the
kids or grandkids?

--Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people
who don't own any cats?

--Does your wallet contain more photos of your
cats than your kids or grandkids?

--Have you often slept on the very edge of the
bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's
sleeping in the very middle?

--Do you leave messages for the kitty on the
answering machine?

--Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by
patting the seat and making that noise with your
pursed lips?

--Does your answering machine have the cat meowing
on the outgoing message?

--When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as
"using the litterbox"?

--Have you made a habit of setting a place at the
table for the kitty?

--Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have
made a good guess) and have a birthday party to
celebrate?

--When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum,
"OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for
even one second.

--Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with
all the cats?"

How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just
answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you
as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers
determines the degree.

Your "Cat-ability" Score"

--1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do
better, but it's OK, you're learning.

--5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it,
improving nicely. Potential is there.

--9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there,
almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.

--14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly
devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find
no 12 step program here!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a physics course, which involved light, electricity
and magnetism, the students were required to read the
week's experiment before coming to class...

At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see
how many of his pupils had actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked.

The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand
and said, "Uhhh, Three! Bud, Coors and Miller!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't understand these complaints about the postal
service. Time was, you could put a two-cent stamp on a
letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its destination
in two days. Now you put a thirty-seven-cent stamp on
a letter and it can take four to five weeks to arrive.

Still only a penny a day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The 5 toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one
is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as
a public service, each question is analyzed below, along
with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper
answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This
response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered
by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know
what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is:
"YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order,
"Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an
emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the ncorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines
all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for
the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right
and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact
address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you
in a truck, not an envelope."
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

You may not know that many non-living things have
a gender.For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned
off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an
effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water ..

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd
be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the
right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any
of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up"
and "breakup."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#
kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes
around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments
go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen
and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm
never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one
sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save
your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old
pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for these:

See what you have to look forward to….I was thinking
about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm
wearing my garage door opener. Now everyone thinks
that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when
you still have something on the ball but you are just too
tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age
and call it, "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's
when your chest is falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
"No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write,
"A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . write to these people?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailcarriers could look for them while they
delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer
in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use,
the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up,
examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one
more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the
end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and
a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as
it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it
like your wife told you to?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Erin:
Question: "What is George Bush's opinion on Roe vs
Wade?"

Answer: "He doesn't care how the people get out of
New Orleans!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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