Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 34

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 34 August 29, 2005


Could it really be something in the water? 65 girls in the
Canton OH high school population of 490 are pregnant:
http://www.newsnet5.com/news/4885861/detail.html

While we are on unhappy topics and before the fun (but
this is important) thanks to Erin for these quotes from
Republicans when Clinton committed troops to Bosnia:

You can support the troops but not the president.
Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)

Well, I just think it's a bad idea. What's going to happen
is they're going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20
years. Joe Scarborough (R-FL)

Explain to the mothers and fathers of American service-
men that may come home in body bags why their son or
daughter have to give up their life?
Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99

[The] President . . . is once again releasing American
military might on a foreign country with an ill-defined
objective and no exit strategy. He has yet to tell the
Congress how much this operation will cost. And he
has not informed our nation's armed forces about how
long they will be away from home. These strikes do
not make for a sound foreign policy.
Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)

American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery.
Simply put, the administration is trying to lead the
world with a feel-good foreign policy.
Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)

If we are going to commit American troops, we must be
certain they have a clear mission, an achievable goal and
an exit strategy.
Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of George W Bush

I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the
beginning . . I didn't think we had done enough in the
diplomatic area
Senator Trent Lott (R-MS

I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches
us that it is often easier to make war than peace. This
administration is just learning that lesson right now.
The President began this mission with very vague
objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month
later, these questions are still unanswered. There are
no clarified rules of engagement. There is no timetable.
There is no legitimate definition of victory. There is
no contingency plan for mission creep. There is no
clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster
our over-extended military. There is no explanation
defining what vital national interests are at stake.
There was no strategic plan for war when the President
started this thing, and there still is no plan today.
Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)


Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the
President to explain to us what the exit strategy is.
Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)

Funny thing is, we ended that war without a single
American killed inaction.

********************
*Back to the fun stuff*
********************

This time of year with harvest time here is a handy site
showing pick your own farms and orchards, canning tips,
conversion tables, and how much should I pick in order
to can, freeze, or make jam
http://www.pickyourown.org/info.htm

With back to school for the college bound there is always
the problem of furniture for the dorm room. Here some
creative boys used FedEx material procured for free:
http://www.fedexfurniture.com/

Great computer resource including a tip index, a plain
english internet glossary and fifty great help sites.
http://www.geekgirls.com/

Since 2001 this guy has sued, won, and collected some of
the thousands of dollars that the court awarded from
telemarketers and spammers. He tells how you can too:
http://smallclaim.info/

Great site for info on traveling with your dog:
http://www.doggeek.com/index.shtml

Name a topic and this public library and digital archive
may well cover it: lots of eBooks, free downloads and
much more. Sheila sent me here for one artist but there
is a vast array of resources that connect here:
http://www.ibiblio.org/

Streaming blues music
http://www.thesouthside.org/

I am always saying now I have heard everything but this
is right up there. John Cleese to sell a piece of his colon.
http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2005/08/buy_a_piece_of_.html

John Cleese has a web site that has a membership fee
for some content but plenty is available free (green dots)
https://www.thejohncleese.com/spage.php?ID=14&P=1378


My favorite funny guy is George Carlin. There is an Mp3
with the 10 Commandments, plus documents listing those
7 words you can't say on TV plus all the ones sent in since
the arrests in Milwaukee (the ones that made him famous
or at least more famous than he was before) Warning: this
site NOT for those offended by vulgarity and foul language!
http://www.georgecarlin.com/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One thing leads to another. Not always. Sometimes one
thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just
becomes something more entertaining."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's better if an entire family gets Alzheimer's disease.
That way they can all sit around and wonder who they
are." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things
is important to learn. It's what separates us from the
animals! Except the weasel." ~~ Homer Simpson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I want to share something with you - three sentences
that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'
~~ Homer Simpson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Parenthood...
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them
to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling
them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your
own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat
their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to
remind yourself that there are children more awful than
your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will
choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND
YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE
ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP
AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

If you mated a bull dog and a shitzu, would it be called a
bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Does the President have to pay taxes?

Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on
Christmas lights?

If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had
such a straight parting in his hair?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs
someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains
neither grapes, nor nuts?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Isn't it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail
box and put up the little red flag?

What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F
but no E.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you
their "practice"?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight
packages?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car
accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?

In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast?
or do they have to ask for American toast?

Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through
mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else
make a sound ?

Why are SOFTballs hard?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being
would eat?

Why are they called goose bumps?
Do geese get people bumps?

Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons,
but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be
considered a bank robbery?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air,
but not thick air?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever
comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

Does a postman deliver his own mail?

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews,
credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a
shipment is transported by car?

Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

Do mimes watch silent movies?

Is the fear of flying groundless?

Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out
of me" when daylight is not living?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but people don't point to their crotch when they
ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?

If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people
know they are missing?

Why are boxing rings square?

Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor
apple in it?

Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're
winning?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do birds have white poop?

Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?

Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its
going down?

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug
things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it
taste like?

Do sore thumbs really stick out?

Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep,
but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?

Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

What's the opposite of opposite?

If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why
practice?

Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers
when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?

Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"?

If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

On the periodic table, why do some elements have
symbols with letters that aren't even in the word?

Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”
when they know the answer is going to be everyone?

Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked,
but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?

If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn't an
exterminator be the opposite?

How many people do you need to consider it a mass
suicide/murder?

If a robber tried to rob a dance club and yelled, "Everybody
get down", would all the people start dancing?

Why is a woman in a suit a "business person” but a man
in a dress is a "transvestite"?

When pigs fart, does it smell like bacon?

Was Dawson Named After The Creek or Was The Creek
Named After Dawson?

Could a tanning bed kill a vampire?

If not would they get a tan?

How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-
term relationship?

Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?

IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO
BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?

If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?

How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie
theaters?

If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?

Do Dutch people always split the bill?

Can you sleep forever without being in coma?

Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or
fingers in it?

If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much
light?

How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's
character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?

If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than
when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?

How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin
pack and others are wrapped individually?

Do cows drink milk?

Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the earth?

Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out,
what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??

What is a male ladybug called?

Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky
situation?

How fast do hotcakes sell?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How is the Force Like Ducktape?

It has a light side and it has a dark side, and it holds the
universe together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fathers back then...fathers today
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he
was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car
garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the
baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know
how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today,
kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked
down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family
business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come
home from college long enough to teach them how to work
the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or
Russia. Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered,
"Wake up, it's time for school." Today, kids shake their
fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for
hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife
and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes
home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics,
I'm at the gym, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart
conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers
pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout,
"WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the
kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys
'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted a Game Cube!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas
for you. It was much cheaper back then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3
minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of
vodka and smoke a cigarette." ~~ Anthony Hopkins

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom,
if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your
couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a
cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be
so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler
Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no
human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instruc-
tions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent
ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.
What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are,
will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Please help me with this list of some of the things
I must remember - to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after
they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just
because I like the way they smell.

3. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.. neither are laps.

4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

6. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
Mom's driver's license and registration.

7. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when
he's on the toilet

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.

10. I will not throw up in the car.

11. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag
my butt.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him
and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last question . .

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles
back?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father's Opinion...
4 years: My daddy can do anything.

7 years: My dad knows a lot, a whole lot.

8 years: My father doesn't know quite everything.

12 years: Oh, well, naturally Father doesn't know that, either.

14 years: Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned.

21 years: Oh, that man is out-of-date. What did you expect?

25 years: He knows a little bit about it, but not much.

30 years: Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks.

35 years: A little patience. Let's get Dad's assessment
before we do anything.

50 years: I wonder what Dad would have thought about
that. He was pretty smart.

60 years: My Dad knew absolutely everything!

65 years: I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk
this over with him. I really miss that man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for these prayers from kids:

1. Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for
people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me.
Love
Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who
told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if
he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of
everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people
in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of
them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking
on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love,
Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or
was it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the
old days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works
out OK with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did
come yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are
born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will
show you my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do
you just know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am
not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars
in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff


22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank

And, saving the best for last . .

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until
I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was
really cool. Thomas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother
was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and
he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what
he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten
into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked
him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother,
being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year and write a letter to God
and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat
down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this
year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a
red one. Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good
boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have
been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red
bike for my birthday. Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter
and started again.

LETTER 3: Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year
and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either,
so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy
this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just
send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going
to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He
went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to
church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked
because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time
for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to
the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped
it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of
paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO
SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE RED BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:
Here are 16 actual error messages seen on the computer
screens in Japan, where they are written in Haiku.
Aren't these better than, "your computer has performed
an illegal operation"?

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless
more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
-----------------------------------------------
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
------------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
-------------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows
is like that.
-------------------------------------------------
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now
it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The
network is down.
-------------------------------------------------
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple
stone.
-------------------------------------------------
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
-------------------------------------------------
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
-------------------------------------------------
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we
never will.
------------------------------------------------
Having been erased, The document you're seeking must
now be retyped.
-------------------------------------------------
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen.
Mind. Both are blank.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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