Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 27

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 27 July 11, 2005

Wow another week has zoomed past me with painting
being the major thing going on. The kids will be out of
the apartment and into their new house by the weekend
and it has a long way to go yet. The dry wall man is going
to finish adding texture to the walls today (we hope) so
we can paint even more rooms. Both the baths, the boys'
room, the family room, and part of the master bedroom
still need paint. The trim and doors can be installed later.

The carpet will be installed this week, if it ever arrives
and I hope we can find a vinyl installer with time available
soon. Thank goodness Adam, Amanda's Dad and Grandpa
have gotten as much done as they could, but I think the
kids will be staying here for at least a few days. It will be
so nice when its done. Right now it's looking pretty rough
since a wall was moved in the master bedroom to combine
two small bedrooms into a larger one with a walk-in closet
and the bathroom is just empty except for a tub. It's been
a lot like that new show Property Ladder without the huge
budget for remodeling and they will live there for a while.
http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/propertyladder/propertyladder.html

Andrea recommended this site with emergency emails
for weather or Homeland Security alerts sent to your
PDA or your regular email account.
http://www.emergencyemail.org/Default.asp

Erin recommended this site to get your own personal
USPS-approved postage
http://www.photo.stamps.com

It doesn't matter if you use IE or Office, to be able to
use this site with its free templates and clip art, but if
you do the demos and tips will help you too.
http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/default.aspx

Great web searching tips
http://searchenginewatch.com/facts/

Great resource for world wide travel tips
http://www.nytimes.com/travel

Wow free tarot readings, I Ching, Numerology and more
http://www.facade.com/


Personality tests and quizzes
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/

Quizzes like what is your flavor of ice cream and what is
your warning lable:
http://www.go-quiz.com/

True stories from the emergency room:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/deaconscavern/

Its easy to get sucked into the blogs when you can find the
good ones arranged by category:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/spaces-hall-of-fame/

If you need help making a blog Pete gives great directions:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/fantasypete/

Not for kids (bad language, blood, guts, gore, and more
that's objectionable but funny) cartoon website
http://joecartoon.atomfilms.com/pages/topten/

If bad movies are your dark secret, this is the site for you:
http://www.badmovies.org/

Family Friendly Media Reviews
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/

Bad Astronomy reviews the latest Star Wars movie
http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/movies/starwars_sith_review.html

Cool downloads
http://www.paintedbus.com/

Free game downloads:
http://www.suricate-software.com/

Awsome blues links
http://www.bluesfestivalguide.com/index.html
http://www.homeoftheblues.org/
http://www.bluesup.com/bluesfestivals.html

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since
I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."
~~ Groucho Marx

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"As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway
places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it."
~~ Sam Ewing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And remember, "Civilization is just a slow process of
learning to be kind."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, three notes walk into a bar -- a G, an Eb, and a C.
The bartender looks up and says "We don't serve minors."

So the Eb leaves and the other two have a fifth between
them.

After a few drinks, the G was out flat, and the experience
was diminished.

Eventually, the C sobers up, sees one of his friends missing,
the other one passed out, and realizes to his horror that
he's under a rest.

C was brought to trial, found guilty and convicted of
contributing to the diminution of a minor and was sentenced
to 10 years of DS without Coda at the Paul Williams/Neil
Sedaka Correctional Facility.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through
the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner
we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the
grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that
all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed
very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady
was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he
only knew that she had been on board for the last four
cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and
stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand
you've been on this ship for the last four cruises."

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a
pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get
old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.
The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I
have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a
long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per
day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to
the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means
I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout
room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and
shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient.
An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scram-
bling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the
mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything
and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even
have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship
they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now
hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name
where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go.
So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you
over the side at no charge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You Might Be A Yankee If..."
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're
afraid to ever go on a camping trip.

For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.

You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never eaten Okra.

You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud
as you do.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-and-knife show.

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire
sauce" correctly.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on
a poodle.

You don't have bangs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are purported to be real personalized license
plates for cars in the United States.

WUF WUF - On a Brown Rover
2QT4U - 2 Cute for you
TUSKY - To ski
TIHS O - This one that works in the rear view mirror.
(This guy fooled the Ontario authorities. )
4MYEGO - On a Porsche.
BSSCLRNT - On a professional bass clarinetist' car.
BANDLADY - On a high school band teacher's car.
ORFFAN - On a car of music educator, who teaches
using methods developed by Carl Orff.
SEWBIZ - On the car owned by a sewing machine dealership.
IDUNTOLU - Seen on a school principal's car. He was in
charge of discipline.
GGR OOM - On a Horse Grooming Company car.
PN DCTR - On acupuncturist's car.
6UL DV8 - Sexual Deviate
JUNK - On a 1993 GMC (jimmy). On a recycler of junk
metals in Maryland.
ML8ML8 - I'm late, I'm late

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark Twain sat on the train next to a gloom-and-doomer
who said, "Do you realize that every time I take a breath,
10,000 people on this planet die?"

Twain replied, "Hmmm...ever try cloves?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend,
asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000
acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he
could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would
not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a
car like that once."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a
policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him
how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't
bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always
wrong."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EMS humor
ABC - Ambulate Before Carry
ABC - Airway Billing Collections
AMF-YOYO - Adios Mother F-----, You're On Your Own
A.F.U. - All F*@#%! Up
AHF - Acute Hissy Fit
AQR - Ain't Quite Right
ART - Assuming Room Temperature
BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
BOHICA - Bend Over Here It Comes Again
CATS - Cut All to Sh*t
CC - Cancel Christmas
CCFCCP - Coo Coo For Cocoa Puffs
CTD - Circling the Drain
DFO - Done Fell Out
DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give a F#%$ ?
DND - Damn Near Dead
DOB - Dead on Bed
DRT - Dead Right There
DPS - Dumb Parent Syndrome
NPS - New Parent Syndrome
DWPA - Dying With Paramedic Assistance
EMT - Empty Minded Troll
EMT - Every Menial Task
EMT - Eggcrate Mattress Technician
EMT - Extraordinary Masochistic Tendencies
EMT - Emergency Medical Taxi
EMT - Extra Man on Truck
EMS - Extra Marital Sex
EMS - Earn Money Sleeping
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
FDGB - Fall Down Go Boom
FTD - Fixin To Die
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
GOMER - Get out of my E.R.
GMC - Groan Moan & Complain.
GRAHOB - Grim Reaper At Head Of Bed
HIBGIA - Had It Before, Got It Again
KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid
LOLNAD - Little Old Lady No Acute Distress
LOLFDGB - Little Old Lady Fall Down Go Boom
LDF - Lying Down Fit
MARWB - Met At Road With Bag
MUH - Messed Up Heart
NLPR - No Longer Playing Records
PUHA - Pick Up and Haul Ass
PBAB - Pine Box At Bedside
PBS - Pretty Bad Shape
PCL - Pre Code Looking
PEFYC - Pre Extricated For Your Convenience
(through the windshield)
PSO - Passed Smooth Out
PPA - Practicing Proffessional Alcoholic
TBC - Total Body Crunch
TFTS - Too Fat To Survive
TLC - Tube, Lavage & Charcoal
TMB - Too Many Birthdays
SIO - Sleeping It Off
TSL - To Stupid to Live
WADAO - Weak And Dizzy All Over
WUD - Woke Up Dead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

World's Easiest Quiz
(Passing requires 4 correct answers!)
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after
what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
Scroll down to the bottom for the answers...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.........................What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan........................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.

Colic............................A sheep dog.

Coma...........................A punctuation mark.

D&C............................Where Washington is.

Dilate...........................To live longer than your kids do

Enema..........................Not a friend.

Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula...........................A small lie.

G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.

Hospital.......................The biggest building in town, other
than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown
with a snake.

Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates

Node...........................I knew it.

Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.............A letter carrier

Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.

Secretion.....................Hiding something

Seizure........................Roman emperor who lived in the
Ceasarean Section.

Tablet.........................A small table to change babies on.

Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor........................More than one.

Urine..........................Opposite of mine.

Varicose......................Near by

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CORPORATE
AMERICA TOO LONG...

10. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-
based organization."

9. You refer to dating as test marketing.

8. You can spell "paradigm."

7. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

5. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

4. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting
a performance review.

3. You believe you never have any problems in your life,
just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

2. You can explain to somebody the difference between
"re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing
people."

And the number 1 sign you've been in corporate America
too long...1. You use the term "value-added" without laughing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Is this what they mean by going to hell in a handbag?

Our Cash, Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Gucci Watch
Thy Prada Bag
In Saks As it is in Neimans
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our Overdraft
As we forgive those who cease our Mastercard
Lead us not into Kmart
And deliver us from Target
For thine is Versace,
the Akira & Armani
For Chanel No. 5 and Eternity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Dozen Wise Sayings
1. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
4. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
8. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
9. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
10. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
11. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.
12. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they
shall never cease to be amused.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following are real statements found on insurance
claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details
of an accident succinctly...

--- Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have.

--- I thought my window was down, but found it was up
when I put my head through it.

--- The other car collided with mine without giving warning
of its intentions.

--- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number
of times before I hit him.

--- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

--- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

--- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my
way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up
obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

--- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting
to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

--- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later
found in the ditch by some stray cows.

--- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a
small car with a big mouth.

--- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.

--- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble
when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an
accident.

--- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly
appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared
before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck
the pedestrian.

--- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.

--- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car
and vanished.

--- I told the police that I was not injured, but upon
removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.


--- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the
other side of the curb when I struck him.

--- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run,
so I ran over him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks
the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo
with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter
every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun
in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want
coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your
mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper
management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answers:
1. 116 years
2. Ecuador
3. Sheep and Horses
4. November
5. Squirrel fur
6. Dogs (Canines)
7. Albert
8. Crimson
9. New Zealand
Maybe it wasn't so easy after all!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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