Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 23

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 23 June 13, 2005

A former American Petroleum Institute lobbyist has put
the "spin" on the global warming report for the current
Bush Administration. Current is key here since the Senior
Associate in the office that coordinates government climate
research has resigned and is stating that revsions to their
report "undermine the credibility and integrity of the program."
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/08/politics/08climate.html?ei=5090&en=22149dc70c0731d8&ex=1275883200&adxnnl=1&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=print&adxnnlx=1118206907-q2jGEVj+eMoFM7rwe6m/gQ

While they are busy taking away nail clippers and crochet
hooks, perhaps a bloody chain saw should cause a more
reasonable response than this:
http://www.lasvegassun.com/sunbin/stories/nat-gen/2005/jun/08/060800164.html

Does big business win again? The long awaited suit against
"Big Tobacco" had its expectations pared down in closing
arguments, but will the judge listen to this administration
and its views led by business rather than the people or go
ahead with penalties exceeding those asked originally in
the "Clinton" Era. (You remember back when we had a
good economy and we looked out for the people and the
environment rather than the situation now.)
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/09/politics/09tobacco.html

How the FBI "blew it" on 9/11; the report comes out just
in time to aid in the Bush push to renew the Patriot Act
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050610/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/sept_11_missed_opportunities;_ylt=AhSfmzT.26zX0DKBLCwp9R2s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA2M2YzbmJmBHNlYwN1cw--

Great news in the war against the mosquito
http://www.nature.com/news/2005/050606/full/050606-13.html

As a child I remember see chain gangs by the side of the
road in the south as we made our annual road trip to
Florida, well they are resurfacing in other states:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/usjusticeprisons;_ylt=Aux2f0iq8UC16xhZjj9XRmas0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA2bm5xNHVjBHNlYwNtcA--

Antispam advice at Yahoo:
http://antispam.yahoo.com/

My friend Mike suggests this political website:
http://www.counterpunch.org/

Sheila suggests this site for recipes:
http://songstress7.typepad.com/beyond/2005/06/carnival_of_rec_1.html

A listing of the summer festivals along the lakefront in
Milwaukee ( at the Summerfest grounds)
http://www.summerfest.com/otherevents/festivalparkcalendar.htm

Wisconsin Church Festivals
http://www.cfcfestivals.com/index.asp

The official site of rock n' roll
http://www.rock.com/index.html

Interesting article on ASCAP, BMI, and music royalties
http://www.woodpecker.com/writing/essays/royalty-politics.html

Blues content:

Festivals:
http://www.festivals.com/
http://www.festivalfinder.com/


Pics from Wayne Baker Brooks
http://photos.groups.yahoo.com/group/WayneBakerBrooks/lst

2005 WC Handy Pics:
http://www.vividpix.com/handys2005/index.htm

A few pics from the Chicago Blues Fest
http://members.tripod.com/twist_turner/index-41.html

Chicago Sun Times piece of the Chicago Blues Fest http://www.suntimes.com/output/music/cst-nws-blues12.html

BB King news
Highway
http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/music/sns-ap-people-king,0,7295624.story?coll=sns-ap-music-headlines
Museum http://metromix.chicagotribune.com/news/celebrity/sns-ap-ms-b.b.-king-museum,0,4797134.story?coll=mmx-celebrity_heds
Class http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=14681385&BRD=1838&PAG=461&dept_id=104621&rfi=6

A year long study results in a series of articles on class
- defined as a combination of income, education, wealth
and occupation - influences destiny in our society
http://www.nytimes.com/pages/national/class/index.html

Bloopers from kids on the History of the World
http://members.cruzio.com/~spitzer/history.html


Speaking of history, here is a crash course in 4000 years of
Jewish History from an organization based on sharing their
knowledge with as many as possible
http://search.aish.com/literacy/jewishhistory/default.asp?s=g&k=judaismhistory

This Doonesbury is pretty much right on:
http://news.yahoo.com/comics/uclickcomics/20050612/cx_db_uc/db20050612

Stress calculator: see how you rate
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/stress/calc.html

BMI (body mass index) calculator
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/calcs/bmicalc.html

Children's BMI calculator
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/calcs/childbmicalc.html

How many calories have you burned
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/calcs/fatburnercalc.html

What are your calorie and protein needs
http://html.themilwaukeechannel.com/sh/idi/health/calcs/caloriecalc.html

60 uses for vinegar
http://groups.msn.com/harmfulhouseholdproducts/alternatives.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=244&LastModified=4675457366200247347

If you ever need to know what's in that product if you
can't read the label (in case of misuse or to dispose of)
http://householdproducts.nlm.nih.gov/products.htm

This site is about knowing and controlling toxins in and
around our homes:
http://groups.msn.com/harmfulhouseholdproducts/indoorpollution.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=65&LastModified=4675418980056581810

More on having a healthy home:
http://cha.healthyhometour.com/

Providing satirical commentary on controversial worldly issues.
http://www.whiteninjacomics.com/archive-comics.shtml

A new and improved? virtual bubble wrap
http://www.viceking.net/bubblewrap.swf/bubblewrap1.swf

Online art community complete with galleries, print services,
forums, and tutorials covering a wide range of art.
http://www.deviantart.com/

The gadget guide
http://www.gizmodo.com/

Geek and media center podcasts
http://spaces.msn.com/members/iandixon/




On with the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Male / Female dictionary

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male......Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend
with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out
with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and
ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and
male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we
end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel
to another.
Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels
every 5 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-
story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".

Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go
in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them
how it works, "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and
once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you
what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you
can't return to it." The women talk it over and decide to go
for it.

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are very
sensitive and kind".

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the
next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads:
"All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally
treat women badly".

This wasn't going to do so again they head for the stairs.
The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read:
"All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the
needs of women."

This was good but there were still two more floors... So on
to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
"All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and
attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single,
rich and straight"

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would
rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle
for the fourth.

When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove
that there is simply no way to please a woman."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personal Ads

WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish........................ 49
Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
Athletic...................... No tits
Average looking.......... Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
Free spirit................. Junkie
Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as
a slut
Fun......................... Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out,missionary position only
Open-minded................. Desperate
Outgoing........ Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................ Certified Bitch
Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
Social............... Has been passed around like an hors
d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height................. Hugely Fat - as tall
as you are wide
Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............. Old bat

MEN'S ADS
40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &
back
Educated.............. Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit........... Banging your sister
Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.......... Arrogant
Very good looking..... Dumb as a board
Honest................ Pathological Liar
Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy
Mature................ Older than your father
Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate
but she's not interested
Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive........ Gay
Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blond woman named Shannon found herself in dire
trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in some
serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she
decided to ask God for help. She began to pray.

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please
let me win the lotto."

Lotto night came and somebody else won. Shannon again
prayed. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night came and Shannon still had no luck. Once again
she prayed. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time
so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens
opened, and Shannon was confronted by the voice of God
Himself. "Shannon, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting
her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby market
to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her
sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of
her head. One customer who had been at the store for
a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked -- very strange. He asked her if she was okay,
and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of
the head, and had been holding her brains in for over
an hour.

The man called the paramedics who broke into the car
because the doors were locked and Linda refused to
remove her hands from her head. When they finally got
in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat,
making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the
wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she
reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out,
but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for
over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You'll know that America has relaxed if we someday elect
a president named Booger. If we ever get a president
named Booger, Skeeter, T-Bone, or Downtown President
Brown, you'll know finally this country is a relaxed,
comfortable place to live." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As long as you've decided to drink all day, there's nothing
wrong with starting early in the morning."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see
one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty
cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to
make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is
located among the millions and millions of cows in America
but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should
put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do
you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you
see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes,
it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even
more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY,
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're
watch dogs!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Mike for these ACTUAL LETTERS
THAT DEAR ABBY ADMITTED THAT SHE WAS AT A
LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby, --- A couple of women moved in across the hall
from me. One is a middle aged gym teacher and the other
is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go
everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, --- What can I do about all the se*x, nu*dity,
language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, ---have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,
I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, ---I am a twenty-three year old liberated
woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting
expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the
cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.

Dear Abby, ---I've suspected that my husband has been
fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he
denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, ---Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why
would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn
against his own?

Dear Abby, ---I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen
it. Now, how do I get out?


Dear Abby, ---I was married to Bill for three months and I
didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, ---My mother is mean and short tempered. I
think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, ---You told some woman whose husband had
lost all interest in se*x to send him to a doctor. Well, my
husband lost all interest in se*x and he is a doctor! Now
what do I do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Robin for this one:

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said he had
invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of
the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they
were willing to try it. Both were very much in favor. The
pain transfer machine was set at 10% for starters, the
doctor explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before.

But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his
vitals and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this
point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued
to feel great. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping
his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. His wife delivered a healthy
baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were
ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this one:
A new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who
are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit.
What happens is that when the intended victim stops for
a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely
tanned, unbelievably well endowed young man comes up.
With muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full
potential, he pretends to wash your windshield. While he
is doing this, another person opens the back door of your
car, taking anything you have in the car.

They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday
and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for 10 Reasons to Go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in
here by 8:00"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to
work on your tan.

3. "Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking
down your blouse.

5. You want to see if its like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add
"Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen
where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to
work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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