Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 13

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 13 April 4, 2005

Wow what a day! Since its going to hit 70 I am off and
running . . . hope you can enjoy the day too!

Our good friend Reverend Raven and his Chain Smokin'
Altar Boys have a new website here:
http://www.reverendraven.com/

Which ended up turning me on to this site:
http://www.mnblues.com/

Specializing in civic participation, this site offers readers
a chance to comment on topics, identify and locate their
leaders (and their voting records), but not just the elected
type also Supreme Court, Agencies, Departments, local
and state government as well as the media. There is also
a lisiting of current bills in Congress
http://www.congress.org/congressorg/home/

A search engine for your neighborhood with listings that
show Name and address, then have the chance to get more
info and map, even websites when they are available
http://www.truelocal.com/

For me Wisconsin is home so is this my homepage?
http://www.wisconline.com/

This is interesting, with the demographics of Wisconsin
if you choose that button first or if you pick a city and
then the demographics button it shows them for that city
http://www.wisconsin.com/

Over 18,000 pages about the exploration of North America
funded by the U.S. Institute of Museum & Library Services
and donors. View, search, or download more than 150 rare
books, narratives, and original manuscripts from libraries
and archives of the Wisconsin Historical Society.
http://www.americanjourneys.org/


Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican
http://tvnewslies.org/Day_in_The_Life_Of_Joe_Middle1.pdf


Nuke your pick of websites or let dinosaurs stomp them.
Just enter the website and pick your vehicle of destruction.
http://www.netdisaster.com/

Too funny . . . the Messy Gourmet
http://www.messygourmet.com/


Wow Great games, audio, video, jokes here.
http://www.killsometime.com/index.asp

Interactive crossword puzzle
http://www.thehighhat.com./Detritus/005/xword.html

Talking search engine. Just type in your search then ten
results are listed and read out to you in order (some may
be skipped if they have no content or if they have been
slow to connect).
http://www.speegle.co.uk/

Online music case may control outcome of the next
technology as the case against Betamax did
http://dmec.haas.berkeley.edu/?q=node/78

MGM vs Grokster
http://www.publicknowledge.org/issues/grokster

Court Ruling May not Hinder Music Theft
http://www.ecommercetimes.com/story/legal/41868.html

Google increases storage on Gmail
http://www.ecommercetimes.com/story/41955.html


By the way if you still need an invitation to gmail write
to me at bluesbaby.us@gmail.com


Hehehe . . . did you catch Googles online prank on April
Fool's Day?
http://www.google.com/googlegulp/


Having used Groove at one time, I am suprised it didn't
catch on for general use with more of us
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A14490-2005Mar30.html

But now it is no longer free and apparently Micro$oft is
buying it so on to the next great progam. To see the
features it offers click this link:
http://www.groove.net/index.cfm/pagename/solutions_personaluse/




Pretty amusing quiz although they do run ads during this
http://www.runormal.com/

If you enjoyed that, here is the quiz archive at iVillage
http://www.ivillage.com/archive/0,,17-3,00.html


For those who are following the papal choices this article
from 2003 may be of interest since they suggest many
who could follow Pope John Paul II.
http://slate.msn.com/id/2089815/nav/ais/


First of all who knew there was a Duct Tape Club?
And then who knew there was such a contest? Make
sure you check out the "Previous Playas"!
http://www.ducktapeclub.com/contests/prom/


And while we are the "who knew" section . . . I always
say you can find anything on the internet so why was I
suprised by this site for single or gay women to become
parents and not have that pesky biological parent problem?
http://www.mannotincluded.com/



On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway
places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it."
~~ Sam Ewing

More from Sam
http://home.no.net/ewing/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time can be your enemy or your friend.
~~ Ray Charles (1930-2004)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

20 Blues Rules to Live By
1. Do not trust the levee to function as intended.
2. Chances are if you can’t find your baby, she is with
your best friend.
3. Trusting people that you meet at the Crossroads
is unwise.
4. While sex with Stagger Lee's woman is great, the
consequences are also dire.
5. Knocking on doors rarely works, run around back
to see who’s slippin’ out.
6. While you may share your troubles, no one will know
them.
7. The preacher man is frequently of no comfort.
8. Moderate consumption of liquor is uncommon.
9. Lemon juice on your leg is a satisfying sensation.
10. Your baby will always break your heart.
11. The long-term success of a railroad line is not good.
12. Your happiness is directly linked to the day of the
week.
13. Travel is only possible by V-8 Ford or Cadillac car,
bus, a train, or foot.
14. Your only possible choice of pet is a dog, and the
dog must be old.
15. Death rarely happens by accident. It always requires
some fair amount of fixin'.
16. No one is happily married.
17. The policeman is not your friend.
18. Your mama is rarely cold, and your daddy is never hot.
19. A moderate case of the blues has never been recorded.
20. An infinite number of blues can be created by the
application of random nouns ie Roadhouse, Milk Cow,
Highway, Killing floor, Summertime, Bell Bottom, Mexicali,
Folsom Prison, etc.) before the word "blues."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blues Lingo From
http://blues.about.com/library/blgloss.htm
American Blues has established a colorful language to
go with the heartfelt music. Most terms come from the
rural African-American experience or the melting pot
of New Orleans. Here is a glossary of those terms.

Alligator - Or 'Gator. A dance from Florida that involves
squirming on the dance floor.

Back Door Man - A clandestine lover who must sneak out
the back door as the as the husband/wife comes in the
front door.

Balling the Jack - A railroad work term that quickly became
a metaphor for lovemaking. It was also the name of a popular
dance step in the 1940's.

Barrelhouse - A common nightclub (see juke joint). Probably
named after barrels of beer needed to fuel proceedings.

Beale Street - A Blues hotspot in Memphis, Tennessee. B.B.
King started there. The area has been revived and is once
again a thriving party scene.

Black Cat Bone - A mystical charm that is actually a bone
from a black cat that has been ritually processed. Carried for
good luck.

Blues - Musical form that came from rural African-American
experience. Using flatted and bending notes in the common
music scale, an ultra-emotional sound developed.

Boll Weevil - An insect that eats cotton. This pest was
responsible for crop failures that plagued the South.

Boogie-Woogie - A Blues style most associated with the
piano. From the ragtime and stride piano traditions of New
Orleans and Kansas City, it evolved into a very Texas
musical form.

Bourbon Street - Traditional party street in New Orleans,
Louisiana. Famed for music and decadence.

Canned Heat - Sterno. Jellied alcohol that could heat your
food or get you very drunk.

Captain - The big boss. The plantation owner or prison guard.

C.C. Rider - A prostitute's boyfriend or anyone who gets a
free ride in exchange for sex.

Chicken Shack - A food establishment where a party could
also be found.

Creeper - A clandestine lover who sneaks around town.
The Midnight Creeper.

Delta - Fertile flat land in western Mississippi that was the
heart of the slavery and cotton eras.

Dozens - An insult game usually about your mother.

Dust My Broom - Break up with a lover. Start an new life
by cleaning out the old.

Eagle Rock - Popular dance from the 1920's

Flag a Ride - Hitchhike or jump a passing freight train.

Gandy Dancers - Railroad workers who straightened track
to a call and response work song.

Gris-Gris - A magical spell or voodoo technique.

Hands - A collection of voodoo charms worn or carried for
protection and luck.

Harp - A harmonica. Also known as the Georgia Saxophone.

Highway 51 - Highway runs north and south through the
Mississippi Delta. It was the main route of the migration to
Chicago.

Hobo - A homeless person who jumps on freight trains to
travel the counrty. The source of some real Blues.

Honeydripper - A superlover. The one you love or hope to love.

Hoochie Coochie Man - A man obsessed with booze (hootch)
and women (cootch).

HooDoo - A mix of African spirituality, Voodoo, and
Christianity. Folk magic of the rural South.

House Party - Musical parties in an apartment or house
instead of a club or juke.

JellyRoll - A metaphor for the female genitalia.

Jinx - The bearer of bad luck. A mojo hand would be worn
for protection from a jinx.

Jitterbug - A popular dance of the 1940's.

Jive - Bogus, false, or untrue. B.B. King sings "My momma
says she loves me, but she could be jivin' too".

Johnny Conqueroo - A woody tuber related to the sweet
potato used in a mojo hand.

Jug Band - A band using common items like a jug,
washboard, or kazoos to play music.

Juju - African musical genre and another term for a
mojo hand.

Juke Joint - A bar or club in the rural South. Sometimes
just known as "jukes".

Killing Floor - The room where cows are slaughtered.
Usually referring to the stockyards of Chicago.

Lucille - B.B. King's guitar. Named after a woman whose
love caused a man to burn the club he was playing in at
the time.

Maxwell Street - Chicago market area where Blues
performers could play and sell records.

Mojo - A magical spell or item. Someone could put some bad
mojo on you or you could carry a mojo hand to ward off these
evil intents.

Monkey - An addiction or addict. As in "monkey on my back".

Moonshine - Home made liquor usually distilled from corn.

Parchman Farm - Famous Mississippi prison that inspired
the deepest Blues.

Piedmont Blues - Blues music that came from the East
Coast and Appalachian Mountains.

Ramblin' - Blues music that came from the East Coast
and Appalachian Mountains.

Rent Party - Musical parties in an apartment where
admission was used to cover the rent.

Ride the Blinds - Riding a freight train.

Roadhouse - A juke joint or honky tonk next to a highway.

Root Doctor - Person versed in magical cures from plants.

Rounder - A real party animal and womanizer.

Sharecropping - Paying rent on your farm by giving
most of the yearly crop to the farm owner. After the Civil
War, this effectively kept African-Americans from economic
advancement.

Slide - A guitar style that uses a glass or metal tube to
slide on the strings, creating variable pitches.

Smokestack Lightin' - A mule fart. Some may say it
describes a steam train in the night.

Stagger Lee - Criminal Folk hero who defined the
"baddest of the bad".

VooDoo - Folk mysticism from the Caribean.

Yea You Right - New Orleans' answer to every question.

Wang Dang Doodle - A big party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Some things just aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny.
Mimes aren't funny. But beating a mime - why is that
so hilarious?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on
an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
have quite a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
(Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can
you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville
and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing
is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
(USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight
after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/
gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come
from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be
safely handled and make good pets, especially The Taipans.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia,
but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
(USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called
because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of
anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go
out walking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Undocumented List of New Version Windows Errors
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is
now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Disk view found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money
spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - No one knows
what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More!
More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this
happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been totally
destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid
anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please
reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this
error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be
inadequate.
*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our
own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait.
And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors
will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-
box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been
installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors were
encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you
want to play another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while
waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 580,312,583
Bytes available

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I think we've outgrown the word gripe. When everyone
has automatic weapons, a word like gripe is sort of
irrelevant. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Supposedly, these classified ads appeared in the New
York Times:
*FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL
LITTLE DOG. BITES.
*FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY
NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
*FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART
STUPID DOG.
*GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS
GERMAN. FREE.
*FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ...
BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTER BE A REWARD.
*SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY
DAYS.
*NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
*GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
*NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
*JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &
DRYER $300.
*OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE
COFFEE & DONUTS.
(AND THE BEST ONE) . . FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete
set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer needed. Got married
last month. Wife knows everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Christine for this one:
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing
on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down
beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy"
so that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man.
Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Heck, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And
that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin
is planning to do it's own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin
Style." The contestants will start in Milwaukee; travel
up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay.
Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander
and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland
and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau
Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to
Milwaukee. Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo
with Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker that
reads: I'm a vegetarian. Bratwurst clogs your arteries.
The Green Bay Packers suck! Go Bears! Cheese is high in
cholesterol. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder and
I'm here to confiscate your guns! The first one that makes
it back to Milwaukee alive wins.

Good luck to all contestants!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dedicated to all the folks who live in cubes 40 hrs a week!
This one's For you! David Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks
to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a
freakin' boxall day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without
turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind
of gun fire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button,
you'll get apiece of cheese.
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work
right.
4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more
signs of life than your coworkers.
And the Number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is. . .
1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO
FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask for directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR
BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole
and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN
DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET
SEAT DOWN?(don't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman's joke . . . It has long been contended that there
are male jokes and there are female jokes. And there are
unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and
men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking
that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-
at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he
leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The
man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words."(controlling huh?) The woman considered
his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill
from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly,
and meaningfully said..... "Clean my house."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these really bad puns
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International
Pun Contest.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my
electron."The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies
"Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. Two friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a
rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town,
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars
and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time,which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made
him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him...[Oh, man, how bad is this
one?!!]...a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the
puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for The best of bad writing
For lovers of good writing, listed below are the 10 winners
of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Contest, aka the "Dark and
Stormy Night Contest" run by the English Department of
San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the
first line of a bad novel:
10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were
ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never
hear the end of it."
9. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied,
a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick
brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black
lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small
straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind
as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep...
Andre creep.'"
6. "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge
of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back
alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not
keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but
then penguins often do."
3. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage
cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on
the hotel floor."
2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't
know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh
in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short,
a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS... 1. "The sun oozed over the horizon,
shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and,
with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder,
gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian
lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's
deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.........
by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to
his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that
rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also from Mike:
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what
is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such
a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know
to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight
answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded
to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining,
the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging
open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face,
the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question,
honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that 'dinner will be
ready in just a couple of secs.' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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