Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 5

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 5 February 7, 2005

Well was the local groundhog good to you? Did he see his
shadow? Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow Wednesday
on Gobbler's Knob, suggesting another six weeks of wintry
weather. On the other hand Jimmy right here in Sun Prairie
Wisconsin predicted early spring. Hooray! See pics:
http://www.groundhogcentral.com/2005.php

More animal lore weather reports
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050202/2005-02-02T135000Z_01

This is just too much! "Right wing conservative Focus on
the Family tags Sponge Bob with “We see the video as an
insidious means by which the organization is manipulating
and potentially brainwashing kids,” Dobson’s press rep told
a slack-jawed media last week. “It’s a classic bait-and-switch.”
and as it “crosses a moral line”. For pity sake this is a video
that promotes diversitybut of course these "Christians" with
their ridiculous viewpoint can only see that those stamped
from the same cookie cutter have the appropriate values.
Like I have always said some people just need something to
do with their time (like real work).
http://www.shepherd-express.com/shepherd/26/05/cover_story.html

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras which has been
expanded into the season between Epiphany and Ash
Wednesday in some southern locales, but if you ever
wondered about the history, here is the viewpoint of the
Catholics who started it all.
http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/MardiGras/T

The links for Mardi Gras I sent last week are still up for info
(some have cams)
http://www.mardigras.com/
http://mglinks.com/

mother lode of links http://www.mardigrasday.com/mardigras/
http://www.mardigrasneworleans.com/
http://www.mardigrasdigest.com/
http://www.mardigrasunmasked.com/
http://www.howstuffworks.com/mardi-gras.htm

But up here in the North we are far more likely to have
Paczki than King Cake on Tuesday. This is a filled donut
often prune or poppy seed and generously dusted with
powdered sugar.
http://home.comcast.net/~osoono/ethnicdoughs/paczki/paczki.htm
http://www.pumpernick.com/paczki.html
http://www.chowhound.com/midwest/boards/chicago3/messages/21577.html

Recipe http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art17905.asp

Even Pick 'N Save is onto these treats
http://www.picknsave.com/htmdocs/weekly_specials/specials.asp?scrollaction=2&storenum=41

Wednesday 2-9 is also Chinese New Year (get your cleaning
done since its bad luck to do so on Chinese New Years Day)
It’s 4702, the Year of the Rooster
http://www.c-c-c.org/chineseculture/festival/newyear/newyear.html
http://www.web-holidays.com/lunar/http://www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/chinesenewyear/
http://www.gio.gov.tw/info/festival_c/spring_e/spring.htm
http://www.educ.uvic.ca/faculty/mroth/438/CHINA/taboos.html
http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/2005.htm

Coloring pages and crafts for kids
http://www.dltk-holidays.com/china/color/
http://www.theholidayspot.com/chinese_new_year/crafts/index.htm
http://www.eduplace.com/monthlytheme/january/newyear_activities.html

Even more links about Chinese New Years
http://chineseculture.about.com/library/weekly/topicsub1.htm

From Mike
Before and after tsunami pictures of Sri Lanka and Indonesia.
There are 20 different sets of 2 photos, so use before and then
click before again to get the exact scene after the wave hit. Then
scroll over To the right top and click next to see the next set of
before and after until all 20 sets are seen. This is an amazing site
and they show the most damage toward the last. click here......
http://homepage.mac.com/demark/tsunami/9.html

So many people whose lives will never be the same are going
hungry now while we continue our normal lives. If you want to
help but don't know where, here are some suggestions from
Google http://www.google.com/tsunami_relief.html

Starting Feb 19 Degas sculpture at the Milwaukee Art
Museum. All 73 bronze sculptures, plus 20 of Degas' two-
dimensional works at the only venue in the Midwest.
Running till June 5. While you are there don't neglect to
see the 20,000 items represented in the regular collection
from ancient art thru contemporary, even modern
advertising is shown. Although The museum is free to
county residents Mon. and Sat from 10 to noon, the special
Degas exhibit has a fee of $12 per adult.
http://www.mam.org/exhibitions/index.aspx

People still exiting the US after elections
http://iht.com/bin/print_ipub.php?file=/articles/2005/02/06/news/refuge.html

We can thank our lucky stars for this
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050206/us_nm/politics_cheney_dc_6

SlangSite.com is a dictionary of slang, webspeak, made up
words, and colloquialisms. Click on a letter to browse the
listings, or submit your own words to the site!
http://www.slangsite.com/

We always knew the taxman had no sense of humor
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050204/D881MRIG1.html

Here is the hormone alert warning system thanks to Amanda
http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z

"Fug comes from fugly, which is a contraction of fantastically
ugly (or an f-word more prurient, if you like, but we are clean
and delightful young ladies who don't engage in that kind of
filth, dammit)."
http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/

Teen sent to prison for internet virus
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=562&u=/ap/20050128/ap_on_hi_te/internet_attack_3&printer=1

Is this the next Harry Potter type smash hit book?
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1471249,00.html

ASCAP has filed copyright infringement suits
http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/050124/245738_1.html

Stop the Government Propaganda Act bill proposed in Senate
http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1000778976

A Florida man has been charged with felony child abuse for
allegedly disciplining his 14-year-old son with a stun gun.
The man admitted to investigators he used the electrical
device on the boy last month. He told police the boy was
wrestling with his brother, holding up the family's departure
from home, the Smoking Gun said. He said the children were
"not listening," said he pulled the stun gun from his dresser
drawer and used it to zap his son on the arm. The child
screamed and then "got into the vehicle," according to a
Martin County Sheriff's Office report. The victim said that he
was shocked twice, pointing to marks on his arm and abdomen.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0126051stun1.html

Thanks to Mike we have the TV program listings for black
history month on PBS, History Channel and Disney for more try:
http://www.infoplease.com/spot/bhm1.html
http://www.biography.com/blackhistory/
http://www.kn.pacbell.com/wired/BHM/AfroAm.html
http://www.galegroup.com/free_resources/bhm/

Although the UK respects Black History Month its at a
differenttime, but this is a great site anyway
http://www.black-history-month.co.uk/

HISTORY CHANNEL
http://www.historychannel.com/blackhistory/
February 5 7pm ET/PT Go Tell It on the Mountain: The
History of Black Preachers
February 12 7:30pm ET/PT Conspiracy?: Who Killed
Martin Luther King Jr.?
8pm ET/PT Save Our History: Voices of Civil Rights
February 15 10 pm ET/PT Modern Marvels: George
Washington Carver Tech
------------------------------------------------------------------
THE DISNEY CABLE CHANNEL
Unleash your creativity here
http://www.disney.go.com/disneychannel/imagineerthat/tips.html
Koi & The Kola Nuts is an animated version of an African folktale.
Narrated by Whoopi Goldberg, this program tells the story ofKoi,
a villager who must either complete three impossible tasks or end
up in the cooking pot. Along the way, Koi makes three unlikely
friends who save his life and help him to find his rightful place in
the world. This 30 minute program premieres on Wednesday,
February 10 at 7 p.m., PST.

Nightjohn, a live action motion picture, tells the fictional story
of a slave in the pre-Civil War South who believes that literacy
can be a strong weapon against the cruel physical and mental
barriers of slavery. He courageously defies the laws which forbid
the teaching of slaves how to read and write. Nightjohn, which is
just over 90 minutes in length, premieres on Tuesday, February
2 at 7:30p.m., PST. It stars Carl Lumbly, Beau Bridges, Allison
Jones andLorraine Toussaint, among others.

On Promised Land is the story of two families, one black the
other white. Set in the rural south of the 1950s, the story shows
how their lives are drawn together by common dreams and
broken promises. It stars Joan Plowright, Norman D. Golden
II, Judith Ivey and Carl Lumbly and runs just over 90 minutes.
It premieres on Tuesday, February 2 at 9:15 p.m., PST

One Day tells the story of four youngsters as they prepare to
celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. As they prepare
to write essays about the slain civil rights leader they learn that
they don't really understand Dr. King, his accomplishments, or
his vision. Thanks to the help of a seamstress who is also at the
celebration they learn that anyone, no matter how big or how
small, can make a difference in life. The program stars Loretta
Devine, EdBeagley Jr., James Ingram and Kirk Franklin. One
Day is 30 minutes in length.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
PBS
(times and shows may vary - CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS)
http://www.pbs.org/

CHICAGO PBS-WTTW CH 11 Times and Days
P.O.V.: Chisholm '72 -- Unbought and Unbossed Mon. Feb. 7
from 10-11:30 p.m. This documentary recaptures the times
and spirit of a watershed event in American politics, when
Shirley Chisholm, an African-American woman, dared to
take an equal place on the presidential dais. The NY (Dem)
congress-woman's bid engendered strong and sometimes
bigoted opposition, setting off currents that affect American
politics and social perceptions to this day.

Slavery and the Making of America:
The Downward Spiral/Liberty in the Air Wed. Feb. 9 from
9-11 p.m. The first hour covers the period from 1619
through 1739 and spotlights the origins of slavery in
America, focusing on Dutch New Amsterdam (later New
York City). This installment shows how slavery in its early
days was a loosely defined labor source similar to indentured
servitude: Africans and others of mixed race and/or mixed
culture had some legal rights, could take their masters to
court and could even earn wages as they undertook back-
breaking labor involved in building a new nation: clearing
land, constructing roads, unloading ships.

But further south, the story of John Punch served as an
omen of things to come. Captured after attempting to escape
his tobacco plantation, he received a sentence far harsher
than the two white men who ran with him. Indeed, in the
Carolinas, where the enslaved were teaching struggling
white planters how to grow the wildly lucrative crop "oryza"
(rice), the labor system was already progressing towards the
absolute control, dehumanizing oppression and sheer racism
today most commonly associated with slavery.

The first hour culminates with the bloody Stono rebellion in
South Carolina, which led to the passage of "black codes,"
regulating virtually every aspect of slaves' lives. The second
part spans the 1740s through the 1830s, exploring the
continued expansion of slavery in the colonies, the evolution
of a distinct African-American culture and the roots of the
emancipation movement.

The episode reveals the many ways the enslaved resisted
their oppression, their role on both sides of the Revolutionary
War, and the strength and inspiration many of them found
in the Declaration of Independence and Constitution, despite
the inherent contradictions that lay in what the documents
expressed and what the country practiced. Further
emphasizing these inherent contradictions is the profile of
the relationship between Thomas Jefferson - the man who
wrote so eloquently about liberty - and his life-long servant
Jupiter, one of 90 slaves on the Jefferson family plantation.
Also featured is the story of Titus. Enslaved in central New
Jersey, he fled his cruel master at the onset of the American
Revolution and later returned to the area as "Colonel Tye,"
the leader of a band of black and white guerillas fighting for
the British. In fact, far more black people fought for the
British than for the colonists, believing they would be freed
if the British proved victorious in the Revolution.

The second hour introduces Mum Bett, whose successful
lawsuit against her owner helped pave the way for the
1783 abolition of slavery in Massachusetts, and David
Walker, whose landmark missive 'An Appeal to the Colored
Citizens of the World' marked the first expression of black
nationalism and terrified slave owners by urging black
people to empower themselves.

On Stage at the Kennedy Center: The Mark Twain Prize
-- Whoopi Goldberg Sat. Feb. 12 from 9-11 p.m. Whoopi
Goldberg was the first woman to receive the Kennedy
Center's Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. This
program features an all-star cast paying tribute in film
clips, interviews, and comic performances.

We Shall Not Be Moved Mon. Feb. 14 from 10:30-11:30
p.m. The story of how southern African-American
congregations and their ministers forged a non-violent
revolution to " redeem the very soul of America" in the
`50s and early `60s. The segregationist South responded
to the non-violent demonstrations with dogs, firehoses,
vicious beatings and humiliation -- many activists lost
their lives as a result. The great demonstrations that
shook the Deep South during this era have been
imprinted on the American consciousness in news
footage and in iconic photographs. This moving
documentary focuses on the tactical brilliance and
organizational skill ofthe black clergy, who knew how to
wage a well- orchestrated campaign of peaceful resistance,
and who awoke the entire world to thejustice of their cause.
These clergy were possessed of a faith thatinspired their
own people to seemingly impossible acts of courage and
self-sacrifice.

Chicago Stories: John Callaway One-on-One with Mary
Mitchell Wed. Feb. 16 from 8:30-9 p.m. Callaway conducts
an exclusive interview with the provocative Chicago Sun-
Times columnist.Slavery and the Making of America: Seeds
of Destruction/The Challenge of Freedom Wed. Feb. 16
from 9-11 p.m. The series' third hour looks at the period
from 1800 through the start of the Civil War, during which
slavery entered its final decades.

As the nation expanded west, the question of slavery became
the overriding political issue of the time. These years saw
an increasingly militant abolitionist movement and a
widening rift between the North which had largely outlawed
slavery but continued to reap the vast economic benefits of
the system - and the South, now home to millions of enslaved
black men, women and children. This is the period of slavery
most commonly depicted in history books and captured by
such dramas as the famed miniseries "Roots"; the segment
recounts a number of personal plights just as moving as
those Alex Haley chronicled. Exemplifying the kind of
emotional trauma the slaves endured are Harriet Jacobs
and Louis Hughes. Jacobs, born in North Carolina in 1813,
grew up dodging a lecherous master and eventually fled
his home, then spent seven years hiding out in her grand-
mother's dark, suffocating attic, watching her children
from a tiny hole in the wall. Hughes and his wife, Matilda,
worked together in the McGee household in Mississippi,
where their newborn twins died because their mother
was granted no time to feed or care for them.

Decades before these stories unfolded, leading southerners
such as George Washington and Thomas Jefferson had
been convinced slavery was nearing its end. But the
Louisiana Purchase and the Mexican War brought vast
new territories into the United States, and the battle
between those for and against slavery intensified. By
1860, every attempt at striking an agreement - the
Missouri Compromise, the Compromise of 1850, a
draconian federal fugitive slave law - had failed,
splitting the Union.

The series' final hour follows the life of Robert Smalls as
it takes viewers through the Civil War, Reconstruction
and beyond. Smalls was a South Carolina slave who rode
a stolen Confederate ship to freedom, became a sailor in
the Union Navy, bought the mansion in which he had
been enslaved and went on to a long, successful career
in politics.

Another major element of this hour is the transformation
of the Civil War from a conflict intended to restore the
Union to a conflict over slavery. In 1863, Abraham
Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing
all slaves under the control of the Confederate government.
In 1865, with the South defeated, the nation adopted the
13th, 14th and 15th Amendments to the Constitution
(respectively ending slavery, declaring all African Am-
ericans citizens and granting all African-American males
the right to vote).

The Reconstruction period that followed offered promise
to the newly freed slaves, but by the 1876 presidential
election the North had tired of dealing with civil rights
and decided to leave the issue of the treatment of the
freed slaves to the southern states, where many former
Confederate leaders had taken the helm of government.
With Smalls as framework, this final installment looks at
the rise of the Ku Klux Klan and militant opposition to
black rights, the end of Reconstruction and its replacement
with a whole new kind of legalized oppression.

America: Beyond the Color Line with Henry Louis Gates,
Jr. - South: the Black Belt/Chicago: Streets of Heaven Sun.
Feb. 20 from 1-3 p.m.
In the first hour, Gates travels to Memphis, Birmingham,
and Atlanta - once the battlegrounds on which civil rights
were won for black southerners in the 1950s and 60s.
Then, Gates goes inside the notorious housing projects in
Chicago's South Side - the Robert Taylor and the Ida B.
Wells - to find out from the people who live there what
life is like for America's "underclass."

America: Beyond the Color Line with Henry Louis Gates,
Jr. - East Coast: Ebony Towers/Los Angeles: Black
Hollywood Sun. Feb. 20 from 3-5 p.m. Beginning in
Harvard, Gates travels to Washington, DC and New
York to ask if this new black power elite represents
genuine progress for black America as a whole. In the
final hour, Gates asks whether Hollywood is institutionally
racist or whether it is becoming increasingly color-blind
in pursuit of the box office dollar.

American Experience: Malcolm X -- Make It Plain Mon.
Feb. 21 from 9-11:30 p.m. This portrait of the man who
expressed the anger of African-Americans and their
insistence on dignity and freedom reflected the intellectual
journey of a complex man whose ideas continue to resonate.
To create this documentary biography of Malcolm X, the
producer Orlando Bagwell spent two years uncovering
archival material and collecting unprecedented interviews
with his associates and family members, including Malcolm's
brothers and sisters, and wife Betty Shabazz.

Chicago Stories: Harlem Globetrotters Wed. Feb. 23
8:30-9 pm.They weren't from Harlem; they were from
Chicago. And the extent of their early "globetrotting"
included places like Hinckley, Illinois; Williamsburg, Iowa;
and Hartford Wisconsin. So just how did five African-
American athletes from the South Side, and a short,
Jewish man from the North Side together launch an
international sensation? Harlem Globetrotters: The
Team that Changed the World Thurs. Feb. 24 from
8-9 p.m. A new local documentary that takes a close-up
look at the legendary African-American basketball team.

American Masters: Muddy Waters -- Can't Be Satisfied
Thurs. Feb. 24 from 9-10 p.m. This documentary traces
the career of seminal bluesman Muddy Waters from his
beginnings picking cotton to his death from cancer in 1983.
His spirit and rough-hewn personality are revealed through
frank interviews with his family, mistress and the last of
his four wives. The intensity of Waters' music is evoked
through rare film clips and early interviews with Waters
himself, as well as intimate conversations with band mates
and musical cohorts.

Briars in the Cotton Patch: the Story of Koinonia Sun. Feb.
27 from 2-3 p.m. This program tells the story of a small
Christian community in southwest Georgia terrorized in
the 1950s and 60s for its stand on racial equality.

On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rules of Composition Tips with English Grammer
1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without
an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence
should.
15. begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-
wordphrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we
use commas
18. to keep a string of items apart.
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into
our language.
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
22. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
23. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid cliches like the plague.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men vs. Women --- Let The Games Begin …
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will
cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. Then she will
write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' and get on with her
life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will
call and say,'I just called to let you know you ruined my life
. . . I'll never forgive you . . . I hate you . . . you're a total
floozy. . .but, I want you to know that there's always a
chance for us.'

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about
three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate
about money, they don't know football nearly as well as
they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their
experiences with women.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most
17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old
males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work out.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a
towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man wouldn’t
be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs
and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A
man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches
the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this
will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but
when women aren't looking, men hiss at them.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about
her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
their soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping,
water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A
man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including
his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago,
before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent
a U-Haul truck and take his mountain of clothes to the
Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of
old American sitcoms.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she
goes through a variety of complicated emotional,
psychological, and biological changes. The nature and
degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction . . .
he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they
reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never
grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's,
Graphic equalizers, Video games, just about anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to
operate.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A
man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any
more than that and he will look like a lounge singer
named Ramone.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in
five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of
time as when a man says the football game just has
five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole
time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words
all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or
“Got anymore beer?'


RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological
reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men
in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history
of the world has a man excused himself from a
restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just
about to use the “little boys” room. Do you want to
join me?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side
effects real? ~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One reason for maintaining only a small circle of
friends is that three out of four murders are
committed by people who know the victim.
~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What exactly is wrong with inmates running the asylum?
It seems to me they're in the ideal position to know
what's needed. ~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Civilization began its downhill path the day some
guy first uttered the words, "A man's gotta do what
a man's gotta do." ~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a cold winter's night in Vermont, I ventured out
to go shopping with my 3-year-old, 2-year-old, and
infant son. Since I was holding my infant son, I
could only hold on to one of the other boys to
cross the street from parking lot to the store. So
I had the 3-year-old's hand and he had the 2-year-
old's hand. As we crossed the street, the 2-year-old
let go of his brothers hand and stood in the middle
of the street. Before I could say a word and much to
my surprise, my 3-year-old put his hands on his hips
and shouted to his brother, "You better get out of
the street, Mark, or you're gonna see Jesus before
your time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The class assignment was to write about something
unusual that happened during the past week. Little
Johnny got up to read his, "Papa fell in the well last
week..." he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Koop. "Is he all right
now?"

"He must be," said little Johnny. "He stopped yelling
for help yesterday."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
were serious enough to take the trucking company
responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what
happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie,
into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe replied, "Well, I had just got Bessie into
the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on
the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her then he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand
and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad
shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

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Fun in the news
SUSSEX EVE ARGUS (20TH DEC 1990)Athlete John
Oliver, 31, went all the way from Dorset, England,
to Nepal - a journey of over 5,000 miles - to take
part in his first marathon, only to sprain his
ankle on the starting line.

DAILY MIRROR (25TH MAY 1990)Security measures
bring their own headaches. In Broadway,
Worcestershire, England, in 1990, a safe was
unlocked for the first time since its key had
been lost in 1942. All it contained was a note
urging people not to lose the key.

DAILY TELEGRAPH (16 SEPT 1986)In Mumbles, Swansea,
England, Robin Branhall got tired of vandals who
had broken the window of this surfing shop more
than 20 times, so he fitted an unbreakable one.
Arriving at his shop next day, he found the entire
window had been stolen.

REUTERS (20TH JULY 1994)Likewise, a Dutchman who
invested more than $1,000 in a police trained guard
dog to protect his house in Schalkhar woke up two
days later to find the house had been broken into.
The only thing the burglars had taken was the dog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q:What do you call a Chinese man with green hair?
A:Brock Lee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q:What do you call a cat that has just eaten a
whole duck?
A:A duck filled fatty puss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile
takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and
sold off piece by piece." ~~ Lisa Simpson to Marge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks
for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe
on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the
keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the
street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the
car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president
and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it
there.Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The
loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While
you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would
you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can
I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it
to be there when I return?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Facts from having children that you probably didn’t know…

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to
fill a 2000 sq. foot ranch house 1/4 inch deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and
run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults
in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan,
the motor isn't strong enough to rotate a 42-pound
boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.
It is however strong enough, if tied to a paint can,
to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot
room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the
ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as
a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and
lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can
only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can
start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive
tract of a four-year-old.
11. "PlayDough" and "Microwave" should never be
used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PJB sandwiches even though
TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife went to the police station with her next-door
neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's
35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-
spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is
5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean
to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words to build your vocabulary...

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing
the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act,
when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece
of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and
picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the
piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing
on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the
germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two
people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that
refuses to beswept onto the dust pan and keeps
backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk
container so badly that one has to resort to the
`illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy
restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking
around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of
dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you
were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on
a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least
twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Procrastinator's Creed
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it
would have been done already. I shall never move
quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.I shall meet all of my deadlines
directly in proportion to the amount of bodily
injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility
for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a
reprieve from my obligations. I truly believe that
all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.If at first I don't succeed,
there is always next year.I shall always decide not
to decide, unless of course I decide to change my
mind.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take
the first step,and/or write the first word, when I
get around to it. I will never put off tomorrow,
what I can forget about forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this
Reason to Never Piss Off a Woman
A wife came home just in time to find her husband
in bed with another woman. With super-human strength
borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out
the back door,and into the tool shed in the backyard
and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up
a hacksaw.The husband was terrified, and screamed,
"Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put
the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm
going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you
have to."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a
deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck
on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's
certainly not a ship."And, as the speck got
closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-
suited black clad figure. Putting aside the
scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there
stood a drop-dead gorgeous redhead!The glamorous
redhead strode up to the stunned Irishman and
said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With
that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed
pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes
one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and
begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop
of good Irish whiskey?" asked the redhead.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the redhead reaches over to her
right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask
and hands it to him. He opened the flask and
took a long drink."'Tis nectar of the Gods!"
stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous redhead started to
slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit,
right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked,"And how long has it
been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to
his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell
me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that
primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an
anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips
an older person has to make to the bathroom during
the night.They will be marketing the new wine as
Pino More.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How's your aging intelligence? Take the following
test presented here And determine if you are
losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are
so you don't see the answers until you have made
your own . . . OK, relax, clear our mind and . . .
begin. ===========1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then
give up now and go do something else. Try not to
hurt yourself. If yousaid, "bread," go to Question 2.

------------------------------------

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.If you said "milk,"
please do not attempt the next question.Your
brain is obviously over stressed and may even
overheat.It may be that you need to content
yourself with reading something more appropriate
such as "Children's World." If you said, "water"
then proceed to Question 3.

-----------------------------------------

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and
a blue house is made from blue bricks and a
pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
house is made from black bricks, what is a
greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you
said "greenbricks," what the devil are you still
doing here reading these questions?? If you said
"glass," then go on to Question 4.

-----------------------------------------

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a
degree everyminute then how many degrees will
the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees"
or anything other than "one degree," you are to
be congratulated on getting thisfar, but you are
obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil
in and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

-----------------------------------------

5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus
from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17
people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off
the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people
get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off
and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off
and five people get on. InCarmathen, six people get off
and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What
was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember?
It was YOU!

Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope they
do better than you did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and finally still from Mike (who is part Indian)
THE BUREAU OF CAUCASIAN AFFAIRS
United Native Americans is proud to announce that it
has purchased the state of California from the whites
and is throwing it open for Indian settlement.UNA bought
California from three winos found wandering in San
Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen
for the white people of California.These winos promptly
signed the treaty, which was written in the Lakota
language,and sold California for three bottles of wine,
one bottle of gin,and four cases of beer.

Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs,
has announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby
give the whites four large reservations of ten acres each at
the following locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats,
TheBadlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These
reservations shall belong to the whites "for as long as the
sunshines or the grass grows" (or until the Indians want it
back.)

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust
for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any
white who wants to use his land in any way must secure
permission from Commissioner Brightman. Of course,
whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at
stands by the highway.

Each white will be provided annually with one blanket,
one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of
'The Life of Crazy Horse'. If you are competent enough,
you will be able to be a BCA reservation superintendent.
Applicants must have less than one year of education, must
not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality,
proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No
whites need apply.

Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of
the four boarding schools, to which white youngsters will
be sent at theage of six (6). "We want to take those kids
far away from the backward culture of their parents," he
said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the
Florida Everglades, Point Barrow Alaska, and Hong Kong.
All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and there
will be demerits for any child caught speaking English.
All students arriving at the school will immediately be
given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian
language, spirituality and hunting skills.

Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows:
Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital;
those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to the Juneau, Alaska
Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach
Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital
in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-
time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed
first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel,
a jack knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle of
aspirin.

In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, sports teams
and products will be given traditional white names. One
famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his
upcoming film, 'Custer's Last Stand', he will use many actual
whites to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English.
But of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted
Indian actor Jay Silverheels.

Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed.
Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions,
and will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries
will be sent from each Indian Nation to convert the whites on
the reservations.White churches will either be made into
amusement parks or museums, orthey will be torn down and
the bricks and ornaments sold as novelties, souvenirs and
curiosities. ----

"Only the winners decide what were war crimes."Author
Gary Wills

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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