Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 3

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 3 January 27, 2005

Well I said you were getting two this week but I didn't
guarantee it would be early in the week. Next week I
should be back to my only slightly irregular schedule
(till my next trip).

The first month of the year January is a month to explore
new beginnings and innovative solutions.

Try these new Stress Busters
http://www.mbmi.org/pages/wi_ms1cc.asp

Of course the best stress buster is to get away (even if
you can't go a few minutes daydreaming just seems to
do us good. Here is a new site like google but for travel.
It searches dozens of websites for you.
http://www.mobissimo.com

But I have to say with day dreaming in mind Expedia with
their virtual tours is hard to beat and the prices are not too
bad either.
http://www.expedia.com

Talk about politically incorrect! The Vermont Teddy Bear
Co. is selling the $70 holiday gift, a Valentine's Day Teddy
in a straitjacket and comes complete with its own commit-
ment papers and is advertised "for someone you're crazy
about." The Vermont chapter of the National Alliance for
the Mentally Ill called the bear a "tasteless use of
marketing that stigmatizes persons with mental illness."
And the Vermont Association for Mental Health said it
diminished the plight of those who suffer from mental illness.
http://store.yahoo.com/vtbear/crazyforyou.html

This gets me going on a rant. Here the same people (the
Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals) who determined that the
phrase "under God" is offensive when uttered by school
children believe that calling a man a "pimp" is a compliment.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/internet/01/04/knievel.reut/


California Senator Barbara Boxer has been in the news lately.
This time at Condoleezza Rice's confirmation hearings http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050118/2005-01-18T190746Z_01_N18402944_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-BUSH-RICE-DC.html



If you are concerned about Social Security read:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/16/politics/16benefit.html?ei=5065&en=8fc5397cab02d3e0&ex=1106456400&partner=MYWAY&pagewanted=print&position=

Bush's stand on Social Security
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050115/2005-01-15T163859Z_01_N15665852_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-RETIREMENT-BUSH-DC.html

If you have space on your wrist for yet another bracelet
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=519&u=/ap/20050115/ap_on_re_us/anti_bush_bracelets_3&printer=1

A Conservative Answer to Michael Moore
http://www.nysun.com/article/8027

Mr Blackwell's Best Dressed for 2004
http://www.amiannoying.com/(e22h0bqebyjb2n2hjtbnym45)/collection.aspx?collection=3824

Mr Blackwell's Worst Dressed for 2004
http://www.amiannoying.com/(e22h0bqebyjb2n2hjtbnym45)/collection.aspx?collection=3825

While you are there check out the 100 Most Annoying
http://www.amiannoying.com/(e22h0bqebyjb2n2hjtbnym45)/collection.aspx?collection=3734

Since February of 2003 Josh Rubin: Cool Hunting has been
a daily update on stuff that inspires Josh in his practice
as a designer and strategist. Today the site has grown and
includes stuff from contributing writers.
http://www.joshrubin.com/
http://www.joshrubin.com/coolhunting/

Checking in on sites from other issues
http://shes.aflightrisk.org/
http://www.savekaryn.com/
http://www.savekaryn-originalsite.com/
http://www.on-this-day.com/
http://www.megan.scatterbrain.org/notmartha/index.html
http://www.thriftdeluxe.com/
http://www.roadsidepeek.com/

Just need to pop some bubble wrap?
http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml

Funny answering machine messages (turn down speakers
at work because there is loud music playing)
http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor215.htm

Find out how popular your first name has been over the
past 100 years, just click below and enter your first name.
http://www.birthdayalarm.com/name

Listen to blues music online
http://www.bluescities.net/
http://www.thebluesnet.com/
http://windowsmedia.com/radiotuner/MyRadio.asp

Live from Blues Festivals
http://www.bealestreetcaravan.com/

More music
http://www.thebluehighway.com/linksra.html
http://www.wdcb.org/
http://knon.org/
http://www.wpfw.org/
New Orleans's http://www.wwoz.org/
St Louis' http://www.kdhx.org/
Roots Music http://www.thehound.net

Friday 8-10pm Pacific time streamed live at
http://www.khsu.org

Or all the time on shoutcast
http://www.allblues4u.com/
http://www.xpn.org/blues.php
http://www.xmradio.com/programming/channel_page.jsp?ch=74

Blues and Jazz
http://www.wglt.org/

From my home town comes the best for listening 24/7
online even though many types of music are played just
follow the blues drive 3-6 weekdays and download or
stream on RealPlayer for continuous Blues. They have
recorded shows archived here:
http://www.wmse.org/schedule.php

Tips on Identity Fraud from MSN
http://special.msn.com/money/0501idtheft.armx

How to choose storage organizers from MSN
http://women.msn.com/991333.armx

Tips on Storing Holiday Decorations from MSN
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Decorate/StoringHolidayDecorations.aspx

Even More Storage Suggestions
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Improve/11HiddenStorageSolutions0.aspx
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Improve/20KitchenStorageTips0.aspx
http://houseandhome.msn.com/Improve/KitchenandBathStorageIdeas0.aspx
http://houseandhome.msn.com/improve/efficientgaragestoragespaces0.aspx

What do you remember about 2004? Scroll all the way
down the site page for more on 2004 from MSN.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6707439/

Best Photos of 2004
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=sl&g=events/lf/120904pictures2004&e=1

Most emailed photos
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=sl&g=pop_mtp_all&e=1

For the really bizzarre: £2,850 haggis to celebrate Burns Night
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/01/25/nhaggis25.xml

For more on Burns Night (January 25th)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/scotland/history/burnsnight/
http://www.rabbie-burns.com/burnssupper/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oxymorons from George Carlin:
Resident Alien
Silent Alarm
Sports Sedan
Wireless Cable

More Oxymoron
http://www.oxymoronlist.com/
http://www.oxymorons.com/oxymorons.html
http://www.ethanwiner.com/oxymoron.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And from the Department of Redundancy Department
Advance planning
ATM machine (ATM= Automated Teller MACHINE)
Each and Every
End result
Free gift
Future plans
Past History
Period of time
PIN Number (pin= personal identification NUMBER)
The place where/ the time when/ the reason why
Unexpected surprise
Usual habit

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old married couple was driving through Arizona for the
first time. They came upon a mileage sign and the husband
says to his wife "Oh, look, we're 30 miles away from Gila Bend."

"No dear, the "G" is pronounced with an "H" so it sounds
like "Heela Bend". his wife tells him.

They bicker about it for a few miles, until the husband
says "Ok, why don't we stop at the first place we get to
and ask them how to pronounce it."

The wife was happy with this idea, so they stopped at
the first place they got to in the small town. The wife
goes up to the counter and says "Excuse me, young man.
My husband and I can't agree on something. Can you,
very slowly, tell us how to pronounce the name of where
we are?"

The young man looked at her oddly, and then, very slowly,
says "Daairry Queeen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel there are two people inside me - me and my
intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every
time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely."
Kim Basinger

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I try not to worry about the future -- so I take each day
just one anxiety attack at a time." Tom Wilson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From The Coffee Break Wacky Warning Lables

"A flushable toilet brush warning 'Do not use for personal
hygiene' has been named the world's wackiest warning
label of 2004."

"The annual Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its
eighth year, is conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse
Watch and draws hundreds of entries from around
the world."

"The toilet brush label was found by Ed Gyetvai, of
Oldcastle, Ontario. He receives $500 and a copy of
the book, "The Death of Common Sense" by Philip K.
Howard."

"The $250 second place award went to Matt Johnson
of Naperville, Ill., for a label on a scooter for children
That warns: 'This product moves when used.' "

"Third place and $100 went to Ann Marie Taylor of
Camden, S.C., who found the following warning on a
digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's
temperature several different ways: 'Once used rectally,
the thermometer should not be used orally.' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When?
*You can jump start your car without cables.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze.
*You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet.
*Instant coffee takes too long to make.
*You don't sweat... you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you
realize it's not plugged in.
*Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to
the last drop'.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*You don't get mad, you get steamed.
*You don't tan, you roast.
*You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
*You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V.
hookup.
*You take your morning coffee with you in the shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is this a joke? From Coffee Break
Math teacher sued over homework
A Milwaukee high school student and his father are taking
the legal route to stop the student's math teacher from
giving homework during summer vacation. The lawsuit by
Whitnall high school student Peter Larson and his father,
Bruce, argues school officials have no legal authority to
make students do homework over the summer because
the state requires only a 180-day school, reports the
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

"These students are still children, yet they are subjected
to increasing pressure to perform to ever-higher standards
in numerous theaters," says Bruce Larson. Critics say the
schools and courts need a break from lawsuits such as the
one brought by the Larsons. "If I were a judge, I would not
only dismiss the lawsuit, I'd levy a fine against the father for
misusing the courts," says Philip K. Howard, a lawyer and
legal reform advocate based in New York City. Peter says
his summer vacation was stressful because he had to do
math homework in addition to a summer job as a camp
counselor that often exceeded 40 hours a week. Whitnall
School District Superintendent Karen Petric says the
district tried to resolve the matter but to no avail. She sees
no reason for Larson to sue his teacher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More from Coffee Break
A 9 and 10 year old boy were arrested for making stick
figure drawings depicting a 10-year-old classmate being
stabbed and hung, police said.

One drawing showed the two boys standing on either
side of the other boy and "holding knives pointed through"
his body, according to a police report. The figures were
identified by written names or initials.

Another drawing showed a stick figure hanging, tears falling
from his eyes, with two other stick figures standing below
him. Other pieces of scrap paper listed misspelled
profanities and the initials of the boy who was allegedly
threatened.

The children were charged with making a written threat to
kill or harm another person. Both were taken from school
in handcuffs.

The boys' parents said they thought the children should be
punished by the school and families, not the legal system.

Comment from me "Dan and Adam you are so lucky to be
finished with the school system or all those drawings you
made would have gotten you in deep doodoo now."

And to the schools, "Do you think you could worry more
about teaching and less about BS? Do the job you are paid
to do, let parents know what's going on, and let kids be kids."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mike sent these quotes
"Today Condoleezza Rice was confirmed. When the
President heard the news he said, 'I didn?t even know
she was Catholic.'" --Craig Ferguson

"A man in Florida has been arrested for selling marijuana
while working at a Long John Silvers. Police became
suspicious when they saw someone going into Long John
Silvers." --Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just in from Erin God's Customer Service Survey
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take
a few moments to answer the following questions. Please
keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or
address unless you prefer a direct response to comments
or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Higher Power
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son &Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in
good working order and with no obvious breakage or
missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered
here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ His will conflicts with my will
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To tick off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock &Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________
6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which
false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Eric Clapton
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to
preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer:
___ More Divine Intervention
___ Less Divine Intervention
___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___ Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters
and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling
of the following:
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of God's services?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these:
Have you seen these? Original Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and
its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These
great questions and answers are from the days when
"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull,
as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the
questions, of course. Enjoy!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should
do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come
out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say
"I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and
a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the
next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hand while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in
the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the
bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of
the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body,
what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish
on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex ?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these
20 Ways to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on
And point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, Ask If They
want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are.
Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You're not in the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name,
Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream
"I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the
Parking Lot, Yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To the Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." And the
final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ...
20. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they
sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these Answers to Why God made Moms
(Answers given by elementary school age children to the
following questions.)
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me.
He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms
like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he
get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such
a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under
the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some
kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would
it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist
AND .....
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling
through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping
that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news
96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot
in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's
"too spendy," you might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November
through March, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out
of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't
work there, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle
of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of
Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you
might live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you might
live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with
someone who dialed wrong number, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie
& Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing
bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters,....
you might live in Wisconsin.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and
back again.
6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings and funerals ).
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend
knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet
Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
15. You refer to the Packers as "we."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You know how to polka.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Illinois.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday
27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."
30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to
all your Wisconsin friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for these 10 first place winners in the
International Pun Contest.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the
Other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm
positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. Two friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up
shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on
his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail,
and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This
made him...[Oh, man, how bad is this one?!!] . . . a super
callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am sending this only to those whose level of maturity
qualifies them to relate to it.

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair


1974: KEG
2004: EKG


1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux



1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm


1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage


1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM


1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian


1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint


1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones


1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office


1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system


1974: Disco
2004: Costco


1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test


1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit
College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give
the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming
freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the
nation were born in 1986.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a
mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who
J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies
on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of
you who have trouble reading.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Thanks and have a great week! Expect groundhogs and
Chinese New Year next time.