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Saturday, December 29, 2007

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 22

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 22 December 29, 2007


Get a person instead of some voicemail loop
http://gethuman.com/



Worried about long delays at airports?
http://flightaware.com/



How about a high-quality, free 3D drawing program?
http://www.autodesk.com/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!


If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.


If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.


If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/


If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.


Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz


Thanks and have a great week!


Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates

Sunday, December 23, 2007

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 21

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 33 December 23, 2007

Ho ho ho . . . well I finally caught up with myself. I see that
somehow I have just missed this totally for some time
so now I combined the November one I started with the
December one I had also started. Where any references
to upcoming holidays appear they are no longer coming
they are here.

I am visiting with the kids and finally caught up with
sleep. I spent most of December sicker than a dog with
some horrid virus which I got rid of just in time to
travel.

Travel is a whole other story which I will save for next
time. I am going to try a wrap up issue for New Years
but we'll have to see how my time works out here.

Thanks to Erin for this web site where you can pick out a
thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent
to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq .. You can't
pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the
armed services. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only
takes a second.
http://www.letssaythanks.com/

Google just being fun again
http://www.lifehacker.com/software/fun/search-google-earth-for-giant-toys-221972.php

Thanks to Mike for this Santa jigsaw
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552

Other fabulous cards by Jacquie Lawson
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=HY27482779

PEAR TREE COTTAGE (CHUDLEIGH)
http://www.j-baertschi.ch/lawson/xmas2000.swf

VILLAGE GREEN
http://www.j-baertschi.ch/lawson/xmas2001.swf

DANCING PIPER
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ZF33182754

SNOW DOG
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?cont=1&hdr=0&pv=XS01EN

Want to see where Santa is by radar?
http://www.noradsanta.org/index.php

How to create Quick-Open Wrapping (Rip Cord)
http://www.instructables.com/id/E8I8YKA38QEVYDU27D/?ALLSTEPS

Check out the seasonal tacky stuff here
http://www.worldofkitsch.com/features/kitschmas2003/index.html

Among the many really yummy recipes here are these
darling snow topped cupcakes for anytime in winter or
actually anytime at all will do.
http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/000132.html


Green and Crafty ideas for you
http://dannyseo.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Another great crafty site
http://www.getcrafty.com/

"House Gymnastics originated . . . in a joint and convoluted
attempt to put up a bedroom blind. It could be argued that
boredom was the real catalyst for House Gymnastics . . ."
Step by Step instructions included
http://www.housegymnastics.com/


How to get rid of junk mail
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-Junk-Mail

Harry Potter fans check out this site
http://www.jkrowling.com/

Is it time to start saving some money and calories by packing a lunch?
http://www.cleverdude.com/content/frugal-lunch-by-clever-dudette/

For more ideas see 52 Projects here:
http://www.52projects.com/52_projects/2007/09/tips-for-bringi.html

Winter is upon us since they are forecasting snow
for next week so we may need this sooner than later
http://imakeprojects.com/content/view/41/32/

Speaking of that can the holidays be far behind?
http://makezine.com/blog/archives.html


Free Christmas Games
http://www.miniclip.com/games/en/christmas.php
http://www.merry-christmas.com/games/index.htm

Dress up the Christmas elves
http://akidsheart.com/holidays/christms/dresself.htm

Here's a match Christmas game.
http://www.akidsheart.com/ws/stocking.htm

Decorate the tree:
http://www.castlearcana.com/christmas/tree/

Cute Christmas Fun
http://badaboo.free.fr/merryxmas.swf

Maxine's Night Before Christmas!
http://wsww.humorhaus.com/hh1189.htm

North Pole Zodiac
http://www.merry-christmas.com/games/north.pole.zodiac/north_pole_zodiac.htm

Might as well take advantage of these tax dollars at work
http://origins.firstgov.gov/Citizen/Topics/Winter.shtml

Collection of free audiobooks, articles and podcasts
http://www.learnoutloud.com/Free-Audio-Video#directory

A little late to try this year but sounds like a fabulous twist on a turkey
http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/2007/12/05/the_best_roast_turkey_christmas_or_any_t

Get out the tissues for this or scroll down to
"On to the chuckles:"

The Last Straw
It was another long, winter afternoon with everyone stuck
in the house and the four McDonald children were at it
again; bickering, teasing, fighting over their toys. At
times like these, mother was almost ready to believe that
her children didn’t love each other, though she knew that
wasn’t really true. All brothers and sisters fight, of
course, but lately her little lively bunch had been
particularly horrible to each other, especially Eric and
Kelly, who were just a year apart. They seemed determined
to spend the whole winter making each other miserable.

“Gimme that. It’s mine!”

“Is not, fatso! I had it first!”

Mother sighed as she listened to the latest argument
coming from the living room. With Christmas only a
month away, the McDonald house seemed sadly lacking
in Christmas spirit. This was supposed to be the season
of sharing and love, of warm feelings and happy hearts.
A home needed more than just pretty packages or twinkling
lights on the tree to fill it with the Christmas spirit.
But how could any mother convince her children that being
kind to each other was the most important way to get
ready for Christmas?

Mother had only one idea. Years ago her grandmother had
told her about an old Christmas custom that helped people
discover the real meaning of Christmas. Perhaps it would
work for her family. It was worth a try. Mother gathered
her four little rascals together and sat them down on the
stairs, smallest to tallest: Mike, Randi, Kelly and Eric.

“How would you kids like to start a new Christmas project
this year”? she asked. “It’s like a game, but it can only
be played by people who can keep a secret. Can everyone
here do that”?

“I can!” shouted Eric, wildly waving his arm in the air.


“I can keep a secret better than he can,” yelled Kelly,
jumping up and waving her arm in the air, too. If this
was a contest, she wanted to make sure she beat Eric.

“I can do it!” chimed in Randi, not quite sure what was
happening, but not wanting to be left out.

“Me too, me too, me too,” squealed little Mike, bouncing
up and down.

“Well then, here’s how the game works,” mother explained.
“This year, we’re going to surprise Baby Jesus when he
comes on Christmas Eve by making him the softest bed in
the world. We’re going to build a little crib for him to
sleep in right here in our house, and we’ll fill it with
straw to make it comfortable. But here’s the catch: Each
piece of straw we put in the manger will represent one
kind thing we do for someone between now and Christmas.
The more kind things we do, the more straw there will be
for Baby Jesus. The secret part is we can’t tell anyone
what good things we’re doing and who we’re doing them for.”

The children looked confused.

“How will Baby Jesus know it’s his bed”? asked Kelly.


“He’ll know,” said mother. “He’ll recognize it by the
love we’ve put into the crib, by how soft it is.”

"But who will we do the kind things for”? asked Eric.

“It’s simple,” said mother. “We’ll do them for each other.
Once every week between now and Christmas, we’ll put all
of our names in this hat, mine and daddy’s too. Then
we’ll each draw a name and do kind things for that person
for a whole week. But here’s the hard part. We can’t tell
anyone whose name we’ve drawn for that week, and we’ll
each try to do as many favors as we can for our special
person without getting caught. And for every secret good
thing we do, we’ll put another piece of straw in the crib.”

“But what if I pick someone I don’t like”? frowned Kelly.

Mother thought about that for a minute.

"Maybe you could use extra fat straws for the good things
you do for that person, because they might be harder to
do. But just think how much faster the fat straws will
fill up our crib. Then on Christmas Eve, we’ll put Baby
Jesus in his little bed, and he’ll sleep that night on a
mattress made of love. I think he’d like that, don’t you”?

“Now, who will build the crib for us”? she asked.

Since Eric was the oldest, and the only one of the
children allowed to use tools, he marched off to the
basement to give it a try. For the next couple of hours,
loud banging and sawing noises came from the basement.
Then for a long time, there were no noises at all.
Finally, Eric climbed back up the stairs with the manger
in his arms.

“Here it is,” he grinned. “The best crib in the world!
And I did it all myself.”

For once, everyone agreed. The little manger was the
best crib in the world. One leg was an inch too short,
of course, and the crib rocked a bit, but it had been
built with love, and about a hundred bent nails, and
it would certainly last a long time.

“Now we need some straw,” said mother, and together
they headed out to the car to go searching for some in
the nearby fields. Surprisingly, no one fought over who
was going to sit in the front seat that day as they
drove around the countryside, looking for an empty
field. At last, they spotted a small vacant patch of
land that had been covered with tall grass in summer.
Now, in mid-December, the grass had dried down to
yellow stalks that looked just like real straw.
Mother stopped the car and the kids scrambled out
to pick handfuls of the long grass.

“That’s enough!” mother finally laughed, when she
saw that the cardboard box in the trunk was almost
overflowing. “Remember, it’s only a small crib.” So
home they went, where they spread the straw carefully
on a tray mother had put on the kitchen table. The
empty manger was placed gently on top, and the straw
hid its one short leg.

“When can we pick names!” shouted the children.

“As soon as daddy comes home for dinner,” mother answered.

At the supper table that night, the six names were
written on separate pieces of paper, folded up and
shuffled around in an old baseball hat. Then the
drawing began.

Kelly picked first and immediately started to giggle.
Randi reached into the hat next. Daddy glanced at his
scrap of paper and smiled quietly behind his hand.
Mother picked out a name, but her face never gave away
a clue. Next, little Mike reached into the hat, but
since he couldn’t read yet, daddy had to whisper in his
ear and tell him which name he had picked. Eric was the
last to choose, and as he unfolded his piece of paper,
a frown crossed his face. But he stuffed the name in
his pocket and said nothing. The family was ready to
begin.

The week that followed was filled with surprises. It
seemed the McDonald house had suddenly been invaded by
an army of invisible elves, and good things were
happening everywhere. Kelly would walk into her room
at bedtime and find her little blue nightgown neatly
laid out and her bed turned down. Someone cleaned up
the sawdust under the workbench without being asked.
The jelly blobs disappeared magically from the kitchen
counter after lunch one day while Mother was getting
the mail. And every morning, while Eric was brushing
his teeth, someone crept quietly into his room and
made his bed. It wasn’t made perfectly, but it was made.

“Where are my shoes”? asked daddy one morning. No one
seemed to know, but before he left for work, they were
back in the closet, all shined up.

Mother noticed other changes during that week, too.
The children weren’t teasing or fighting as much. An
argument would start and then suddenly stop for no
good reason. Even Eric and Kelly seemed to be getting
along better. In fact, all the children wore secret
smiles and giggled to themselves at times.

By Sunday, everyone was anxious to pick new names
again, and this time there was even more laughter
and merriment during the picking process, except for
Eric. Once again he unfolded his paper, looked at
it and stuffed it in his pocket without a word.
Mother noticed, but said nothing.

The second week of the game brought more amazing
events. The garbage was taken out without anyone
being asked. Someone even did two of Kelly’s hard
math problems one night when she left her homework
out on the table.

The little pile of straw grew higher and softer.
With only two weeks left until Christmas, the
children wondered if their homemade bed would be
comfortable enough for Baby Jesus.

"Who will be Baby Jesus anyway”? Randi asked on
the third Sunday night after they had all picked
new names.

“Perhaps we can use one of the dolls,” said mother.
“Why don’t you and Mike be in charge of picking out
the right one”?

The two younger children ran off to gather up their
favorite dolls, but everyone else wanted to help
pick Baby Jesus, too. Little Mike dragged his Bozo
the Clown rag doll from his room and proudly handed
it over, sniffling later when everyone laughed. Soon
Eric’s well-hugged teddy bear, Bruffles, joined the
dolls filling up the couch. Barbie and Ken were there,
along with Kermit the Frog, stuffed dogs and lambs,
and even a cuddly monkey that grandma and grandpa
had sent Mike one year. But none of them seemed
quite right.

Only an old baby doll, who had been loved almost to
pieces, looked like a possibility for their Baby Jesus.

“Chatty Baby,” she had once been called, before she
stopped chatting forever after too many baths.

“She looks so funny now,” said Randi, and it was true.
Once while playing beauty shop, Kelly had cut her own
blonde hair along with Chatty Baby’s, giving them both
a raggedy crew cut. Kelly’s hair had eventually grown
back, but Chatty Baby’s never had. Now the wisps of
blonde hair that stuck out all over the doll's head
made her look a little lost and forgotten. But her
eyes were still bright blue and she still had a
smile on her face, even though her face was smudged
here and there by the touch of many chubby little
fingers.

“I think she’s perfect,” said mother. “Baby Jesus
probably didn’t have much hair when he was born
either, and I bet he’d like to be represented by
a doll who’s had so many hugs.”

So the decision was made and the children began
to make a new outfit for their Baby Jesus; a little
leather vest out of some scraps and some cloth
diapers. Best of all, Baby Jesus fit perfectly into
the little crib, but since it wasn’t quite time for
him to sleep there yet, he was laid carefully on a
shelf in the hall closet to wait for Christmas Eve.

Meanwhile, the pile of straw grew and grew. Every
day brought new and different surprises as the secret
elves stepped up their activity. The McDonald home
was finally filled with Christmas spirit. Only Eric
had been unusually quiet since the third week of
name picking.

The final night of name picking was also the night
before Christmas Eve. As the family sat around the
table waiting for the last set of names to be put
in the hat, mother said, “You’ve all done a wonderful
job. There must be hundreds of straws in our crib,
maybe a thousand. You should be so pleased with the
bed you’ve made. But remember, there’s still one
whole day left. We all have time to do a little
more to make the bed even softer before tomorrow
night. Let’s try.”

For the last time, the hat was passed around the
table. Little Mike pulled out a name, and daddy
whispered it to him, just as he had done every
week. Randi unfolded hers carefully under the table,
peeked at it and hunched up her shoulders, smiling.
Kelly reached into the hat and giggled happily
when she saw the name. Mother and daddy each took
their turns, too, and then handed the hat with the
last name to Eric. But as he unfolded the small
scrap of paper and read it, his face pinched up and
he suddenly seemed about to cry. Without a word, he
ran from the room.

Everyone immediately jumped up from the table, but
mother stopped them. “No, stay where you are,” she
said. “Let me talk to him alone first.”

Just as she reached the top of the stairs, Eric’s
door banged open. He was trying to pull his coat
on with one hand while he carried a small suitcase
with the other hand.

“I have to leave,” he said quietly, through his
tears. “If I don’t, I’ll spoil Christmas for everyone!”

"But why? And where are you going”? asked mother.

“I can sleep in my snow fort for a couple of days.
I’ll come home right after Christmas. I promise.”

Mother started to say something about freezing and
snow and no mittens or boots, but Daddy, who was now
standing just behind her, put his hand on her arm and
shook his head. The front door closed, and together
they watched from the window as the little figure with
the sadly slumped shoulders and no hat trudged across
the street and sat down on a snowbank near the corner.
It was very dark outside, and cold, and a few snow
flurries drifted down on the small boy and his suitcase.

“But he’ll freeze!” said mother.

“Give him a few minutes alone,” said dad quietly.
“Then you can talk to him.”

The huddled figure was already dusted with white when
mother walked across the street 10 minutes later and
sat down beside him on the snowbank.

“What is it, Eric? You’ve been so good these last few
weeks, but I know something’s been bothering you since
we first started the crib. Can you tell me, honey”?

“Aw, Mom, don’t you see”? he sniffed. “I tried so hard,
but I can’t do it anymore, and now I’m going to wreck
Christmas for everyone.” With that, he burst into sobs
and threw himself into his mother’s arms.

“But I don’t understand,” mother said, brushing the
tears from his face. “What can’t you do? And how could
you possibly spoil Christmas for us”?

"Mom,” the little boy said through his tears, “you
just don’t understand. I got Kelly’s name all four
weeks! And I hate Kelly! I can’t do one more nice
thing for her or I’ll die! I tried, mom. I really
did. I sneaked in her room every night and fixed her
bed. I even laid out her crummy nightgown. I emptied
her wastebasket, and I did some homework for her one
night when she was going to the bathroom. Mom, I even
let her use my race car one day, but she smashed it
right into the wall like always!”

“I tried to be nice to her, mom. Even when she called
me a stupid dummy because the crib leg was short, I
didn’t hit her. And every week, when we picked new
names, I thought it would be over. But tonight, when
I got her name again, I knew I couldn’t do one more
nice thing for her, mom. I just can’t! And tomorrow’s
Christmas Eve. I’ll spoil Christmas for everybody,
just when we’re ready to put Baby Jesus in the crib.
Don’t you see why I had to leave”?

They sat together quietly for a few minutes, mother’s
arm around the small boy’s shoulders. Only an occasional
sniffle and hiccup broke the silence on the snowbank.

Finally mother began to speak softly, “Eric, I am so
proud of you. Every good thing you did should count as
double because it was especially hard for you to be
nice to Kelly for so long. But you did all those nice
things anyway, one straw at a time. You gave your love
when it wasn’t easy to give. Maybe that’s what the
spirit of Christmas is really all about. If it’s too
easy to give, maybe we’re not really giving much of
ourselves after all. The straws you added were probably
the most important ones, and you should be proud of
yourself.”


“Now, how would you like a chance to earn a few easy
straws like the rest of us? I still have the name I
picked tonight in my pocket, and I haven’t looked at
it yet. Why don’t we switch, just for the last day?
It will be our secret.”

“That’s not cheating”?


“It’s not cheating,” mother smiled.

Together they dried the tears, brushed off the snow
and walked back to the house.

The next day, the whole family was busy cooking and
straightening up the house for Christmas Day,
wrapping last-minute presents and trying hard not
to burst with excitement. But even with all the
activity and eagerness, a flurry of new straws piled
up in the crib, and by nightfall it was overflowing.
At different times while passing by, each member
of the family, big and small, would pause and look
at the wonderful pile for a moment, then smile before
going on. It was almost time for the tiny crib to be
used. But was it soft enough? One straw might still
make a difference.

For that very reason, just before bedtime, mother
tip-toed quietly to Kelly’s room to lay out the
little blue nightgown and turn down the bed. But
she stopped in the doorway, surprised. Someone had
already been there. The nightgown was laid neatly
across the bed and a small red race car rested next
to it on the pillow.

The last straw was Eric’s after all.
--Paula McDonald


On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still

have monkeys and apes? ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows

where all the bad girls live. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Santa lives at the North Pole ... JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters
your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little
boy (or girl,) what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He
know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our
history and future and He even knows how many hairs
are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs
broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa is a "jolly old elf"
JESUS is the King of Kings

Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Florida Version
by Unknown

T'was the night before Christmas
and all through the town,
no noses were frozen,
no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms
were adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn't a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,

There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.

Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Texas style
by Unknown

T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Twas the Night Before Christmas - Cowboy style
by Kelley, David

A Cowboy's Night Before Christmas

'Twas just before Santy came,
the story is told.
Cattle weren't stirrin',
fact they's bunched against the cold.

The tack was hung
near the chuckwagon with care.
Why, we didn't know Santy was
close anywhere.

Cowboys on the ground were
wishin' for their beds
While nightmares of wild steers
ran through their heads.'


Tween now and the next gather,
we needed a nap.
Cookie had just finished, and
tied down the flap.


When out past the cavvy,
there rose such a fuss,
I sprang to my feet,
leavin'the bedroll a muss,

And grabbin' my shotgun
and myragged ol' hat
I run t'ward the racket thinkin'
"...what'n thunder's that?"

When thoughts of amazement
through my head courses,
It was a buckboard teamed up
with draft horses,

A driver in red buckskins,
so spry and dainty,
I know'd in an instant,
it must be ol' Santy.

Quicker than jackrabbits,
them horses they came,
And, he's shoutin' commands
to each one by name...

"Get a step, Joe!. One more, Prince!
On, Big Ed!
Pick it up, Sam! Tighten up, Lou!
On, Old Ned!

Don't spook the cavvy,
back awayfrom them pens,
You're a pullin' this wagon
like abunch of ol' hens!

Now, when I haul on these lines
I mean to stop.
Hold up in this cow-camp
like a ton of cow flop!

"They sat down in their riggin',
like I knew they would,
With a wagon of goodies ...
made of leather and wood.

Then, in a twinklin'
with no further delay,
He said, "Back it up, boys,
this here ain't no sleigh".

I couldn't believe my ears,
and lookin' around,
Off that wagon ol' Santy
came with a bound.

He was short, and his chinks
reached near to his toes.
He was happy and fat,
with a little red nose.

There was a ton of packages
and some new tack,
And, ol' Santy was carryin' it
all on his back.

His eyes sort of bloodshot,
much like a cherry,
From 'rastlin' them horses
clean across the prairie.

His lips was plumb puckered,
his mouth drawn and droll,
(Mine got that way, the day I
swallered my Skoal.)

He was holdin' a piggin' string
tight in his teeth,
Not fer' tie down,
but for tyin''up' a fine wreath.

His head was too big and
he had a round belly,
No doubt derived
from eatin'Texas Chili.

He's chubby and plump all right,
I'd say quite jolly.
I laughed plumb out loud when
I seen him, by golly.

He winked his bloodshot eye,
and spat 'tween his lips,
And, it made me to know we
were all in the chips.

He weren't much for chatter,
just done what was due,
Givin' presents and goodies
to the whole durn crew.

Then, he stuck his finger in
his wee little ear,
Wallered it around and said,
"We're through bein' here".

He fled to the wagon,
and his team called 'em up,
"Come on you swaybacks ...
what's the dad-burn holdup?

We won't be back till next year'
cause we're flat broke.
Merry Christmas, my eye,
I just busted a spoke!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing.
Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!

"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.


'Twas the month after Christmas,
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."


As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as only I can
" You can't spend a winter disguised as a man! "
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip,
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
" Till all the additional ounces have vanished.


I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want to chew only on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Hip Version
"YULESVILLE"

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all thru the pad,
Not a hep cat was swinging
- and that's nowhere, dad,

The stove was hung up
in that stocking routine,
Like, maybe the fat man
would soon make the scene.

The kids that fell by
had just made the street;
I was ready for Snoresville,
and man, was I beat;

When there started a rumble
that came on real frantic,
So I opened the window
to figure the panic.

I saw a slick rod
that was making fat tracks,
Souped up by eight ponies,
all wearing hat racks;

And a funny old geezer
was flipping his lid.
He told them to make it,
and man, like they did!

They were out of the chute,
making time like a bat,
Turning the quarter
in eight seconds flat.

They parked by the smokestack
in bunches and clusters,
And Chubby slid down,
coming on like gangbusters,

His threads were from Cubesville
and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back,
was his Ivy league buckle!

And the mop on his chin
had a button-down collar,
And with that red nose
he looked like a baller.

Like he was the squarest,
the most absolute,
But let's face it,
who cares when he left all that loot?

He laid the jazz on me
and peeled from the gig,
Wailing, "Have a cool Yule, Man!"
and clutched off in his rig.

+-------------- Bizarre Christmas Traditions --------------+

In Italy they have no Christmas trees. Instead they decorate
small wooden pyramids with fruit.

Ukranians decorate their trees with an artificial spider and
matching web. A spider web found on Christmas morning is
believed to bring good luck.

The citizens of Caracas, Venezuela block off the streets on
Christmas eve so that people can roller-skate to God's house.

It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while
mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the
ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head
of a pig prepared with mustard.

Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes
bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily
printed in red.

In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house
are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches
and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and
would steal their brooms for riding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember my dad was shopping in a toy store. He said,
"That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."

The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it."

Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas Downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures
are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is
simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance
during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated
voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis
is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board
of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
could have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix
of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production
rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number
chosen in better times. Their function is primarily
decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has
been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female
balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.
This function will be phased out as these individuals
grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords
plus the expense of international air travel prompted the
Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group
with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming
is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution
with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no
uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down
to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete,
studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve
days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service
levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association
seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may
be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that
happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize
the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right
number.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably
well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other
end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers
blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas
carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously,
and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good
mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason,
had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw
hanging mistletoe.

Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on
some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the
flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe
only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else
to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not
married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly
mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the
place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there." (pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Lori for these:


A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally
cut off the tail of her cat who was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-
MART! Why WAL-MART???


Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?


Positive?


Okay, you asked for it!


WAL-MART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:


CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings
Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing
About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and
Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and
Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to
Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out,
I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy
oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why
is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Visit From Uncle Nick
or, "Christmas in South Philly"
or, "'Twas? What da hell kinda word is 'Twas?"

By Steve DiMeo

'Twas da night before Christmas,
You hear what I'm sayin'?
And all through South Philly,
Sinatra's Christmas tunes was playin'.

Da sink was piled high,
Fulla dirty dishes,
From da big Italian meal
Of gravy and seven fishes.

Da brats were outta hand
From eatin' too much candy.
We told them to go to bed
Or there wouldn't be no Santy.

And me in my sweatpants,
Da wife's hair fulla rollers,
Plopped our butts on the sofa
To fight over remote controllers.

When out in da shtreet,
There was all dis friggin' noise.
It sounded like a mob hit,
Ya' know, by Merlino and his boys.

I trew open da stormdoor
To look and see who's who.
Like a nosy little old lady
Who's got nuttin' better to do.

In da windows of da rowhomes
Stood white tinsel trees.
And those stupid moving dolls
You get on sale at Kindy's.

When what should I see,
Comin' from afar.
But fat Uncle Nick
In his big ole Towne Car.

He was swervin' and cursin',
Givin' all da gas he got;
As he barreled up the shtreet,
Looking for a spot.

More faster than Santa,
My drunk Uncle came;
Wit' a car full of relatives,
All drunk just the same.

"Yo Angie! Ay Dino!
Vic, Gina, and Pete,"
He yelled out there names,
Then spit a loogee in da shtreet

"I can't find no spot nowheres,"
Pissed off, he said.
So he double-parked the Lincoln,
And came in to hit da head.

As he hugged me, he burped,
And passed a loada gas.
It stunk up da house,
Like a rotten sea bass.

His coat was pure cashmere,
His pinky ring shined;
His toupee was all twisted,
The front was now behind.

He ran up to da bathroom,
Bangin' pictures wit' his hips.
Never lettin' da smelly stogie
Fall from his lips.

With eyes oh so bloodshot,
And a butt, oh so flabby;
In walked Aunt Angie,
All dolled-up and crabby.

D 'jeat yet?" she asked,
As she thundered to da kitchen;
"All da calamari's gone?"
Aunt Angie started bitchin'.

In came Cousin Gina,
In Guess jeans too tight.
She was bathed in Obsession,
Her hair reached new height.

In strut Cousins Dino, Little Petey
and Big Vic;
Shovin' pizzelles down their throats,
It was makin' me sick.

I said, "What da hell
Are all youse people doin?"
Not one of them answered,
They was too busy chewin'.

Uncle Nick came down at last.
His face was beet red
"Sorry I missed da toilet.
I pissed in the bathtub instead."

That was it, I had had it.
I yelled, "Get the hell out."
Uncle Nick looked real puzzled.
Cousin Gina started to pout.

Wit' that they mumbled curses,
And opened a Strawbridge's bag.
And fumbled 'round to find da gift
Wit' our name on da tag.

I then felt kinda stupid,
As I thanked them for their gift.
But they stormed out da stormdoor,
All of them miffed.

We tore open da paper
That was taped on and on.
It was a bottle of Sambuca,
And half of it was gone.

But I heard him yelling
As he slammed on da gas.
"Merry Christmas, ya ingrate!
You can kiss my ass!"

Yo. Happy Holidays, a'ight?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

Monday, October 29, 2007

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 20

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 20 October 29, 2007


Yikes is that spooky time of the year again. Are you
into the whole Halloween thing? Lots of cool things on
my website here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Halloween.html


This site’s calculator compares your positions on the
issues with those of all the candidates (some of whom
I have never heard of) and determines with whom you
are most aligned. I think it is accurate.

Confused about who to support for President? You already
do support someone... you just don't know who yet.

http://www.vajoe.com/candidate_calculator.html


Just in time for Halloween
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Fake-Blood


In their ongoing quest to "celebrate the unusual,
honor the imaginative -- and spur people's interest
in science, medicine and technology" the Ig Nobel
Awards were given this month. See the winners and
their field of expertise here:
http://improbable.com/


Amazing painting recreated with pumpkins
http://www.kuhnewer.com/paintings/paintings.htm


50 fantastic musician pumpkins
http://www.kuhnewer.com/thumbs/a_to_z%20pumpkins_2004.htm


LabPixies is a free online directory for web gadgets
available for personalized homepages like Google,
Live.com, Netvibes and Pageflakes, and can also be
embedded on most blogs and web pages.
http://www.labpixies.com/


Clean up your online reputation - here's how
http://career-advice.monster.com/job-search-essentials/How-to-Clean-Up-Your-Online-Reputat/home.aspx?WT.mc_n=MNL000283

This will help you kill some time
http://www.wikihow.com/Look-Busy-at-Work-Without-Really-Working


100 Best Blogs from PC World
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,133119/article.html

Need a new signature for your email? Over 400 here:
http://coolsig.com/

COUPON SAVINGS
http://www.judysbook.com/

Save money on energy with an energy audit
http://www.thestreet.com/s/how-hiring-an-energy-inspector-can-save-you-money/newsanalysis/clean-energy-news/10384728.html

10 Legal Ways to Find Cheap Music
http://www.thestreet.com/s/10-legal-ways-to-find-cheap-music/funds/saving-money/10385067.html

Games, E-Cards and of course the comic strip
http://www.snoopy.com/comics/peanuts/fun_and_games/game_gallery.html

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the
wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule.
~~ Stephen King

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
before you get tired. ~~ Jules Renard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
~~ Albert Einstein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without
taste. ~~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty
small package. ~~ John Ruskin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
~~ Albert Einstein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed. ~~ Sean O'Casey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only people who find what they are looking for in life
are the fault finders. ~~ Foster's Law

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~~ Mae West

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
~~ Don Marquis

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Lori for these:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I
got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the work had been completed a whole year
ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast
talking sales guy had told me last year,..... That in ONE
YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.... he never called back. Guess I won
that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his
sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to
call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the
druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more
than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a
minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. "I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both
house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get
my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I
had a flat tire. "When I finally got to the store there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the
store opened and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees
to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still
ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and
broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She
wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer
there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists
have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -
bacteria found in feces.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &
beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of you know what.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very self-important University of Pittsburgh freshman,
attending the Pitt - Penn State football game, took it
upon himself to explain to a Senior Citizen sitting next
to him why it was impossible for the older generation to
understand his generation. "You grew up in a different
world, actually an almost primitive one," the student
said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes,
space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have
visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing ......and,"
pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's
litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those
things when we were young........so we invented them.
Now, you arrogant little brat, what are you doing for the
next generation?"

The applause was resounding...
Gotta love those Senior Citizens!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

The Seniors Breakfast Special
**********************************
I LOVE this one.....it will make your day. ----
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll
appreciate it!! Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!
It pays to think outside the box!

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the
"seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the
eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-
nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,"
the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"
my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then." my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the
block more than once.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every year, English teachers from across the
country can submit their collections of similes
and metaphors found in high school essays. These
excerpts are published each year to the amusement
of teachers across the country by http://www.manbottle.com/humor/Take_five_minutes_and_chuckle

Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without
Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because
he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers
of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli,
and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years
had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity
came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the
pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like
when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each
other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood
with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's
teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like
two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind
like a steel trap, only one that had been left
out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at
a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage
truck backing up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way
to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $ 100.
People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
still be your friend.
You NEVER see the dust accumulating.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for
all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!


If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.


If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.


If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/


If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.


Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz


Thanks and have a great week!


Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates

Sunday, September 30, 2007

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 19

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 19 September 30, 2007

Wow does time fly. Here we are in fall with the leaves
brilliant and the sky a clear blue in the background.
Where do the days go? I finally will have more time for
this and other things I like to do now that I am only
working 5 days a week outside the home. Whoohoo!

Catch the article in the NY Times on Ikea hacking
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/06/garden/06hackers.html

and the blog they mention for some cool ideas
http://ikeahacker.blogspot.com/

A place to buy and sell homemade things
http://www.etsy.com/

Ever wonder about slang (particularly foreign slang)?
http://slang.otheday.com/

Starting to think "Made in the USA" is no joke?
http://www.stillmadeinusa.com/

What a riot this is: I was talking to Sheila and she was
saying she found Crypt Magazine while surfing and that
it has cool recipes. Imagine my surprise to find this:
http://www.cryptmagazine.com/index2.html

but finally I found what she was looking at here:
http://thecryptmag.com/phpnuke/modules.php?name=magazine

"Every keystroke on your computer is there, forever
and ever," Mr. Mulvaney said. he had one bit of advice.
"The only thing you can truly erase these things with
is a specialty Smith & Wesson product," he said. "Throw
your computer into the air and play skeet with it."

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's
more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The future, according to some scientists, will be
exactly like the past, only far more expensive.
~~ John Sladek

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history,
is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and
rebellion that progress has been made.
~~ Oscar Wilde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states
that something is possible, he is almost certainly right.
When he states that something is impossible, he is very
probably wrong. ~~ Arthur C. Clarke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


What you risk reveals what you value.
~~ Jeanette Winterson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As long as people will accept crap, it will be
financially profitable to dispense it.
~~ Dick Cavett

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have
turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in
my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I
look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something
I can use to write proposals, track expenses and
run my business. what do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything

?ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if
you don't start with some straight answers. What
about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

St Peter is walking around heaven looking for God.
He hasn't seen God for 6 days. Finally, on the
seventh day St. Peter sees God sitting in a lawn
chair drinking iced tea. St. Peter walks up to Him
and asks where has He been. God explains to St. Peter
that He has been busy making the universe.

St. Peter asks if he could see it. God takes St. Peter
by the hand and they go to look at God's creation. St.
Peter is admiring everything God has created when he
notices an amazingly beautiful blue planet.

"What is that?" St. Peter asks.

"Oh", says God, "That's what I call Earth. That is my
most perfect creation."

"What makes it so perfect?" St. Peter asks.

God explains to St Peter that Earth is perfect because
it is balanced. He has the Sahara Desert where it is
very dry, which is balanced by the Amazon Rainforest
which is very wet. He made Mt. Everest which is very
high and the Marianas Trench which is very deep.

God is listing off more examples when St. Peter spots
a most idyllic area. "Lord, what do you call that
paradise over there?"

"That, my child" says the Lord,"is my most perfect of
all my creations. It is perfect in every way. I call
it Wisconsin!"

"But Lord, asks St. Peter, what did you do to balance
out paradise?

"The Lord replies, "Take a close look St. Peter. See
how I surrounded it with Illinois, Iowa, Minnesota.........."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idle Thoughts Of A Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it

********************

I had amnesia once---or twice

********************

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Now what?

********************

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
me happy.

********************

If the world were a logical place, men would be the

ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto the freeway.

********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything
else is gone.

********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

********************

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?

********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do
you explain whales?

********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

********************


Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS TO PONDER

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will
make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all.
4. Seatbelts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're
in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate
without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more
publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this: no one ever says "It's only a game"
when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're
going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos?
(And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.

I can add one more!
How is it that a little boy who is deathly afraid of needles
has to have piercings when he turns 18?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a
play date."Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the
mother replied."It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions
and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get
a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"The
exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin
to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl
says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her
drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you
find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in
heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know
why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife as really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200
in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She
opened it and found a brand new Bathroom Scale. Ed
has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates

Monday, August 27, 2007

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 18

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 18 August 27, 2007


Thanks to Dan & Erin for this great video about WalMart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C9s4GcQbvE


Have you heard of Pocket Shots?
http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/magazine/15-09/st_pocketshots

Can Nicotine benefit humanity
http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2007/06/nicotine

The next Erma Bombeck (be prepared to laugh out loud)
http://mom2my6pack.blogspot.com/


Free Online Storage and Sharing Website. Think music, pics,
video or just plain files. PC World likes it, why wouldn't you?
http://www.4shared.com/

Powerful new tools let you search for free software and music,
zoom in on landmarks and buildings, and add comments to news
stories. Part 1 of a special five-part series by Steve Bass.
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,136164/article.html


Penny Postcards from all over the country
http://www.rootsweb.com/~usgenweb/special/ppcs/ppcs.html


They also show a cool list of how names have changed for
occupations over the years
http://ftp.rootsweb.com/pub/usgenweb/wi/jefferson/misc/oldoccup.txt


Happiness at work is a strange idea to many people, who
have gotten used to the idea that work is unpleasant,
tough and hard. Trust me, it doesn’t need to be that way at
all...says the author of this site
http://positivesharing.com/


A sandwich blog. Did you observe sandwich month?
http://www.keaggy.com/sandwich/


Comix
http://bigwhitebear18.googlepages.com/archive


Although many of their items are for sale there are
many worthwhile articles available to read free here
http://www.loveandlogic.com/articles.html


To get some ideas to turn your bath into a spa
http://www.wisebread.com/spa-bathrooms-on-the-cheap


If you like http://www.52projects.com/52_projects/


you will love http://whipup.net/


On to the chuckles:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says:
"I'm cheap!" ~~ Delta Burke


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
~~ George Carlin


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost
it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's
job and I do not want it. ~~ Bill Cosby


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not.
~~ Ursula K. Le Guin


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


... I can't commit that far in the future now (for TV or movie
roles). Call me in 2010, see if I'm free... Ringo Starr

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with
news. ~~ A. J. Liebling


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A cult is a religion with no political power. ~~ Tom Wolfe


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.
~~ Jane Austen


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


People who have what they want are fond of telling people
who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. ~~
Ogden Nash


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with
more noise than is normal. ~~ Peter Ustinov


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Contrary Proverbs....


Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction?
Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite
proverb! There always exist two sides of the same
coin! U be the judge...


*******


All good things come to those who wait.
BUT
Time and tide wait for no man.


*******


The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.


*******


Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.


*******


The best things in life are free
BUT
There's no such thing as a free lunch


*******


Slow and steady wins the race
BUT
Time waits for no man


*******


Look before you leap
BUT
Strike while the iron is hot


*******


Do it well, or not at all.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.


*******


Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.


*******


Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.


*******


Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.


*******


Great starts make great finishes.
BUT
It ain't over 'till it's over.


*******


Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.


*******


Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.


*******


You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.


*******


What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's meat is another man's poison.


*******


Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BUT
Out of sight, out of mind.


*******


Too many cooks spoil the broth.
BUT
Many hands make light work.


*******


Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard
in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may
steal from it at night, so they created a night
watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.


Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?" So they created a planning position
and hired two people: one person to write the instructions
(GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).


Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman
is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C.
position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies
and one GS-11 to write the reports.


Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09)
and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.


Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative position and hired
three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin.
Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).


Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation
for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up
not talking to each other for days.


Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.


"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."


He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"


"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?"
I challenged.


"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Things you Should Know but Probably Don't


The Names of Things You Didn't Know Had Names


ROWEL: the revolving star on the back of a cowboys spurs.


COLUMELLA: the bottom part of the nose that separates the
nostrils.


SADDLE: the rounded part on the top of a book of matches.


OPHYRON: the space between your eyebrows.


RASCETA: the creases on the inside of your wrist.


PURLICUE: the space between the extended thumb and
index finger.


NITTLES: the punctuation marks designed to denote swear
words in comics.


OBDORMITION: when an arm or a leg "goes to sleep"as a
result of numbness caused by pressure on a nerve.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland
asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"


"Of course. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer
for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well
over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.


Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"


"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will
not lie."


"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."


When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go
ahead of her.


The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"


"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing
to declare."


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what
do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"


"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Interesting Observations


The weather is here-wish you were beautiful!


Where there's a will....put me in it.


Dyslexic devil worshipers sell their souls to santa.


I give a sh**-want some?


I use to be schizophrenic but we're okay now.


Everybody has the right to be ugly...you just abuse the priveledge


Walk a mile in my shoes...then keep going. I've got more shoes.


Drugs only kill the bad brane sels.


The problem with drugs is that you never end up finishing
what you star


Take your Ex out tonight-one bullet oughtta do it.


Today's subliminal thought is:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a Packers jersey, helmet and is holding
Packers pom poms.


The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"


The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big
fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we
can see the game!"


After securing a promise that the dog will behave
and warning him that if there is any trouble they
will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows
them to stay in the bar and watch the game.


The game begins with the Packers receiving a kickoff.
They march down field stop at the 30, and kick a
field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar
and begins walking up and down the bar giving
everyone a high-five.


The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing
thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they
score a touchdown?"


"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him
for four years."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates