Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 2

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 2 January 10, 2005

Wow I just discovered that this never got sent before my
trip. So this week you get two . . . Hmm beginning to feel
doomed . . . I went to get breakfast and lost issue 2 AND 3
grrrrrr.

I am going to reconstruct as much as I can. This issue is
mostly about Vegas and now has much more info since we
were there. If you want to skip the Vegas stuff scroll down
to the triple row of *.

Well this week I'm thinking about travel since I'm headed
for California in the morning to vsist my sister. We are all
going to Vegas for a few days later in the week so I have
been exploring sites for that trip.

Travel Channels Wild Interactive Map
http://travel.discovery.com/convergence/vegasweek/interactives/main.html

Best in the World of Las vegas
http://travel.discovery.com/fansites/worldsbest/vegasworld/vegasworld.html

More Best of Las Vegas
http://www.concierge.com/destination/lasvegas

Best in the world
http://travel.discovery.com/fansites/worldsbest/worldsbest.html

Casino ABC's
http://www.concierge.com/destination/lasvegas/features/Editorial/Feature/data/lasvegas/fodors/CasinoABCs.xml/

Each One of the new Hotels is an attraction in itself http://www.concierge.com/destination/lasvegas/search/result/attraction?DestinationName=Las+Vegas

The Vegas Guide
http://travel.discovery.com/destinations/unitedstates/nv/lasvegas/lasvegas.html

Bob Taylor's Original Ranch House
As recently as the 1980s, this was smack in the middle of
nowhere, a large ranch house located in empty acres in
the northwest valley. Today Bob Taylor's is enveloped by
subdivision sprawl. Don't let that stop you from enjoying
this remainder from Las Vegas' Old West past.

Since 1955 the ranch house with wood paneled walls covered
with cowboy memorabilia has served impressive, mesquite
grilled steaks to locals in-the-know. Seriously hungry?
Try the Diamond Jim Brady, nearly two whole pounds of
New York beef. 6250 Rio Vista Street (702) 645-1399
Open Daily, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m.; and 11 p.m on weekends http://www.bobtaylorsranchhouse.com/

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Red Rooster Antique Mall
In a city fixated on tomorrow, it's really unusual to find a
building more than 40 years old still standing and more so
one that sells all manner of old stuff, from collectibles to
dust collectors. Located in the heart of old Vegas, the Red
Rooster's musty old buildings house dozens of independent
antique booths. Hours of browsing can be rewarded with
eye popping vintage Las Vegas memorabilia, including
ashtrays, matchbooks, gambling supplies, and postcards
from the city's vanished past.

Don't be surprised if the smell of fresh bread wafts through
from the city's oldest operating bakery, Holsum, is a few
doors down (drive by at night to see its newly restored neon
sign). 1109 Western Avenue (702) 382-5253 Open 10 am
to 6 pm Mon thru Sat noon to 4 pm Sunday
http://www.expedia.com/daily/vacations/las-vegas/guides/Shopping/L7010042I1.asp

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Neon Museum
If Las Vegas possesses a native art form, it would have to
be neon signage. Since the 1920s, Las Vegas has established
a global reputation based on the sparkle generated by excited
neon, argon and mercury. So it's hardly surprising that one
of the city's emerging art galleries occupies a huge chunk of
outdoor space and requires massive amounts of electricity
to operate. Officially opened in November 1996, the Neon
Museum has rescued classic Vegas signs from the junkyard,
restoring and exhibiting them in fully lit splendor in the
heart of downtown.

Downtown Las Vegas, Fremont Street and Las Vegas
Boulevard; Phone: (702) 229-5366
http://www.neonmuseum.org/pages/1/index.htm

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Old Las Vegas Mormon Fort Historic Park

The conflicted history, the age-old challenges created by
Las Vegas' existence as both a religious mission site and a
wild west outpost began at the Mormon Fort in June 1855.
Settled by 30 Mormon missionaries dispatched from Salt
Lake City, the fort is the oldest Euro-American building in
Nevada. On a hill overlooking the lower valley, the fort was
abandoned early by the Mormons, eventually became part
of the massive Las Vegas Ranch, which was sold to the Union
Pacific Railroad during that company's land acquisition in the
area.

The complex, a rare example of pre railroad Las Vegas, was
recently reconstructed and opened in spring 2000 with Las
Vegas Creek, a bastion, stockade and historic gardens.
Open Daily, 8:30 am-4:30 pm 500 E. Washington Avenue
Phone: (702) 486-3511
http://parks.nv.gov/olvmf.htm

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Floyd Lamb State Park
Still known to old timers as Tule Springs, this desert oasis
was first utilized by Native Americans and eventually became
a working ranch. A few of the original ranch buildings still
stand, shaded by massive cottonwood trees as old as the city
itself. Tule Springs then (d)evolved into a divorce ranch where
the unhappily married could comfortably wait out Nevada's
six week residency requirement for quickie divorces. In 1964
Tule Springs was purchased by the city for use as a park. It
became a state park in 1977, rechristened in honor of state
senator Lamb after a bitter battle that pitted neighbor against
neighbor. Like most of the northwest valley, the park has been
encroached upon by suburban sprawl but not enough to spoil
the calm oasis produced by four fishing lakes, grassy expanses
and miles of walking trails except, of course, for the occasional
gunshots heard blasting from the nearby Las Vegas Gun Club
where Elvis and Ann-Margret filmed sc enes for "Viva Las
Vegas." 9200 Tule Springs Road Phone: (702) 486-5413
http://www.state.nv.us/stparks/fl.htm
http://parks.nv.gov/fl.htm

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Gateway District
The Gateway District, named after the Gateway Motel (or
perhaps more accurately after its neon sign), is the up- and-
coming cultural district of Las Vegas. The Gateway District
is part of an old neighborhood largely untouched by recent
development where early 20th-century homes line the
numbered streets. The Gateway's many notable cultural
spots include the Enigma Garden Cafe (918 1/2 S. Fourth St.,
702-386-0999) in a 1920s bungalow;

The Attic (1018 S. Main St., 702-388-4088), a funky retro
shop that is often patronized by film crews seeking props;
and the city's oldest Mexican restaurant, El Sombrero Cafe
(807 S. Main St., 702-382-9234).

The Gateway District's centerpiece is The Arts Factory
(103 E. Charleston Blvd., 702-676-1111), two stories of
exhibit space that includes the Lost Vegas Gallery, a
collection of Vegas memorabilia that puts most gift shop
kitsch to shame. Downtown, roughly bounded by Las
Vegas and Charleston Boulevards, Main and Fremont Streets

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Golden Gate Hotel
Built in 1906, the Golden Gate is the city's oldest hotel and
notable as the site of the city's first telephone. The Hotel
Nevada (as it was then known) opened just one year after
the Union Pacific Railroad auction, held a cross the street
where the Plaza Hotel now stands.

A throwback to the early horse-and-carriage days of Las
Vegas, the hotel offers small, plaster walled rooms with
wooden floors, one bed and mahogany doors overlooking
the exciting Fremont Street Experience pedestrian
promenade. The 24 hour Bay City Diner, perhaps the
oldest operating diner in the valley, is a favorite lunch spot
for power brokers and the original seller of the Vegas classic,
the shrimp cocktail. 1 Fremont Street (702) 385-1906
http://www.goldengatecasino.net/

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Fremont Street is a panoramic light show that is not to be
missed. 12.5 MILLION Lights convey the impression of
birds Soaring, planes flying, fireworks, even a spaceship.
Every hour another of the 5 shows plays.
http://www.vegasexperience.com/

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Ethel M Chocolate Factory Tour
It's not quite Willie Wonka, but it will do. Chocolate magnate
Forrest Mars (son of Frank C. Mars, inventor of M&Ms)
opened this specialty chocolate factory in 1981 in honor of
his mother. Because Mars couldn't stand to be far from his
creation, he chose to live, at least temporarily, in an on-site
apartment. Inside the factory, visitors can watch how gourmet
chocolate is made and sample tasty treats. Outside, stroll
among the largest desert gardens in southern Nevada, with
more than 300 cacti. The Ethel M's Botanical Cactus Garden
is especially alluring during the holidays, when decorated with
lights. 2 Cactus Garden Drive, Henderson (702)433-2500
Open Daily, 8:30 am to 7 pm
http://www.ethelm.com/

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Scotch 80s Neighborhood
After Rancho Circle was gated, the Scotch 80s inadvertently
became the only old money urban Las Vegas neighborhood
left to cruise. Scotch 80s residents did win the right to raise
restricted access barriers that limit entrance to Shadow
Lane (off Charleston Boulevard), but anyone can drive in
and marvel at the wonders of a ranch home development
in what is now central Las Vegas.

Many early movers and shakers (including Frederick
Boulware, the city's first African-American neurosurgeon)
lived in these sprawling, one-plus-acre estates; current
mayor Oscar Goodman still does. In 1913 Peter Buol, a
founding resident of Las Vegas who in 1911 became its first
mayor, initiated the development. Buol, who owned this 80
acre parcel with his brothers and their company (Southern
Nevada Land and Development), traveled to Scotland to
secure investors, hence the name Scotch 80s. But the parcel
was not developed until the 1950s, just as a new wave of
wealthy settlers was making its way to town. West central
Las Vegas, bordered by Rancho Drive, Charleston Boulevard,
Interstate 15, and Oakey Boulevard

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Now this is just my two cents worth here but When you go
into a casino it's always worth going to their customer service
desk and registering for a slot club card (find out which other
casinos are in their group), asking what coupons they offer
or honor, and what complimentary show tickets are available.

Most tickets you can get as freebies or 2 for 1, someone is
paying full price to see because they didn't ask! We got great
tickets to see the Neil Diamond Tribute from a half price
broker. Pick up the magazines you will see like Las Vegas
Today and Showbiz, there will be more coupons there too.

The 3 logical divisions are strip, downtown, and outlying or
off strip. Don't try to do all 3 at the same time or even 2
areas, you will go nuts. My suggestion would be do the
downtown and split the Strip, forget the rest on a first visit.

Downtown: check out the Fremont Street Experience at
night, (from 6:00 to 11:00 p.m.) the 4 block long, 90 ft high
light canopy with over 12 million lights over a multi million
dollar remodeling spree of the oldest part of Las Vegas.

Downtown is older, both the buildings and the clientele, but
it can be a hoot especially if someone gets on a roll at the
craps table or roulette. Downtown is not as crowded as the
strip, not as new or glamorous, but it may well be more
rewarding. The comps are good (usually no rooms) and the
slots are looser. Remember if you are gambling the drinks
are usually free in any casino but do remember to tip.
Besides the waitresses come back much sooner that way.

The Gold Spike has a bunch of penny slots. This is one of
the oldest of the hotels from 1905 or 1906.
http://www.goldspikehotelcasino.com/

Binion's used to be the place to go for steak and eggs @
$1.99, now I hear its $5.95 but they still have $2 blackjack
and nickel slots.
http://www.binions.com/

The other ones I have been to are the Fremont,
http://www.fremontcasino.com/

Lady Luck, which now is a Park Plaza (holy cow!)
http://www.parkplaza.com/ladylucklv

and the Four Queens
http://www.fourqueens.com/

You might want to add the Stratosphere to that trip since
its so far down the Strip you are almost downtown (nickel
slots and $2 blackjack and some crazy rebate with the slot
club where you get a check after you get home.) They have
rides at the top and webcams on the site.
http://www.stratospherehotel.com/

The Strip is really, really long. If you don't have a car, it
would be best if you decided how far up or down you want
to go, get in a cab and go to the farthest point first. . . I'd say
Circus Circus on the one end to Caesers.

Circus Circus has. . . you guessed it, circus acts every 20
minutes, all day, 11 am till midnight, an arcade and the
theme park (which I walked through for free. . . about what
it was worth to me.) This one could be easily omitted if the
circus acts aren't appealing. It makes the walk back so much
longer and if gambling is not the goal and you aren't going to
Palace Station to eat, you could make that end of the strip
start at the Riviera where they always film the casino (Con
Air, Casino, and many others) in movies.
http://www.circuscircus.com/index2.php

Although the Sahara has $1 blackjack so starting there has
its merits. Roller coaster, Indy Car stuff and rides, Arabian
theme through the casino and food areas, and maybe a good
lounge act in the Casbar are all a draw.
http://www.saharavegas.com/

There is a problem about crossing the Strip...Its not as easy
as it could be. Soooo try to do one side and then the other
rather than crossing back and forth. I see there are some
bridges overhead now for pedestrian traffic but they are
limited at this point and I only saw them between Ballys,
the Flamingo, Caesars and Bellagio.
http://www.caesars.com/corporate/

Closer to Caesers, maybe walking distance depending on
the heat, are Treasure Island and Mirage on same side and
the Venetian, Casino Royale, Harrahs, Imperial Palace,
Bourbon Street, and Flamingo on the other.

Treasure Island has their Pirate Battle every 90 minutes
5:30 to 10 pm weekdays and 5:30 to 11:30 weekends.

The Mirage has their Volcano erupt every 15 minutes
7 - midnight, best viewed from the other side of the street,
the rest of their attractions are: the dolphin habitat, the
aquarium, tropical rainforest under the dome, and the white
tigers. Never could get to see Sigfried and Roy but the rest
is cool. Enjoyed walking through the grounds and building.
http://www.mgmmirage.com/

Harrahs has free live entertainment in the Carnaval Court
and a number of reasonable restaurants and a couple of
comedy shows. We had a good brunch there one day on a
previous visit. They still send me email. They own the Rio.
http://www.harrahs.com/

Imperial Palace has a pretty good buffet as I recall and a
classic car exhibit which has become a dealers showroom
for buying and selling antique cars. The Legends Dinner
Show (impersonators) is fun.
http://www.imperialpalace.com

Casino Royale boasts a 24 hr Dennys and an Outback Steak
House that about says it all. Tiny place, amenities NO -
no spa, no room service, no attractions, no entertainment,
and no shuttle service.
http://www.casinoroyalehotel.com/

From Caesers to Mandalay Bay is the other half of the strip.
Madalay Bay is another newer one, sports a mixed Asian
theme, a wave pool, and the House of Blues. Walked thru It
was huge and has a Shark Reef attraction that was cool.
http://www.mandalaybay.com/home.jsp

Luxor I have been to and did the tourist thing there. Aside
from its unusual shape it offers underground tours by boat
similar to Pirates of the Caribbean with an Egyptian theme
and a replica of King Tuts Tomb. They have inclinators rather
than elevators going up the slanted walls of the pyramid. Blue
Man Group, a topless revue, and an IMAX Theater are all
part of the Entertainment there.
http://www.luxor.com/index-flash.php3

Excalibur was just not a big deal for me but we never did the
Jousting Tournament or the dragon show so maybe that is
fun. Even the casino seemed to have kids in it which is a major
no no everywhere else in Vegas. They also have a male revue
like Chipendale dancers. The outside is a castle.
http://www.excalibur.com/index2.php

Across the street is more interesting with MGM, Aladdin,
Paris and Bally all in a row but first the Tropicana is really at
the end. The Tropicana has a free bird show in the afternoon
and a 20 minute variety show free. Look for freebie coupons
to get into the Legends Hall of Fame (which I thought was
really fun and would like to have watched more of the historic
film clips). We saw Rick Thomas and his magic/tiger show.
Absolutely a "how did he do that" kind of magic.
http://www.tropicanalv.com/

MGM has an Emeril Restaurant, actually most of the food
there in any of them at MGM are way overpriced but they
have a lion habitat, cool movie stuff, and when I was there
they had virtual reality glove and headware for a price. This
was just a place to see, not really gamble or eat, but great
entertainment there.
http://www.mgmgrand.com/pages/index_flash.asp

Aladdin may still have their steak and lobster deal but I
think it was replaced by a buffet which was more expensive
but one of the best on the strip. PF Changs there too and
some great window shopping in the Desert Passage but some
of their stores are in the Shops at the Forum in Caesers too. A
full featured Spa has been added in a massive renovation.
http://www.aladdincasino.com/

Paris was built after my last visit (add I didn't get to see it this
time) but it looks neat and has a mall between it and Ballys.
http://www.caesars.com/Paris/LasVegas/

All I remember about Ballys' is seeing George Carlin there
and Daniel walking across the casino floor into an area blocked
off (which is a major no no) and me having nightmares about
this huge kid (he was 17) walking through no mans land, being
detained by security, who would then discover he was concealing
his new knife in his trench coat pocket, and going to jail. No
wonder I blocked out the whole thing.
http://www.caesars.com/ballys/

Boardwalk was being redone when I was there last but they
do have the Lighthouse Lounge where the show is free with
a one drink minimum. Bad food, bad service and a tiny casino
But the rooms are cheap.
http://www.boardwalklv.com/

New York New York includes a midway, a rollercoaster, a
dueling piano bar, and a rock climbing, skateboarding, ESPN
Zone as well as Lady Liberty, Central Park and Krispy Kreme
donuts. No free drinks here. The site has webcams.
http://www.nynyhotelcasino.com/pages/index_flash.asp

Monte Carlo has a relatively $27 million new showroom
created for Lance Burton and a monorail to Bellagio.
http://www.montecarlo.com/intro-flash.php3

Bellagio dancing fountains perform every half hour 3-7pm M-F,
noon-7pm Sat & Sun and every 15 minutes 7-midnight 7 days
a week. Music lights and water choreographed together, people
rave about it for a reason. Lobby has hand blown glass flower
art by Dale Chihuly. The Botanical Gardens there are another
stopping point as is designer shopping. The Gallery there is a
bit steep. I think $15 to see Andy Warhol soup cans is over the
top. Located near Bellagio's lobby is the tram to the Monte Carlo.
http://www.bellagio.com/

Non Casino places are Ethyl M's Chocolate Factory, Hoover
Dam, Chloride Mining Town, Gondolas at Lake Las Vegas,
Marjorie Barrick Museum of Natural History, Mardi Gras at
the Rio Hotel, M & M World, the Neon Museum, Showgirls
Exhibit at the Sahara, World of Clowns Museum, and the
Wildlife Habitat at the Flamingo. Most of these attractions are
free.

There are also exhibits like The Star Trek Experience at the
Hilton, Madame Tussads Wax Museum, the Houdini Museum,
the Liberace Museum, Las Vegas Villa, the Wynn Collection,
and the Las Vegas Art Museum which is an affiliate of the
Smithsonian.

****************************************************
****************************************************
****************************************************

Most of the following information was obtained from Gopher
Central with editorial comments from myself.
(Yes I'm up on my soapbox again.)
New York State refused to allow a company to sell Freaky
Ice, frozen pops spiked with malt liquor. The NY State Liquor
Authority said "the frozen confections were banned because
they're so similar to nonalcoholic ice pops popular among
children," according to the New York Daily News Sunday.

And the adults-only labeling on the pops was too small, the
authority said. The ices, which come in plastic tubes, include
flavors like Passion Cocktail, Cherry Fusion and Lemon Stinger
with an alcohol content of nearly 5 percent.
OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo where do I get these?

And for another truly great idea, how about Travelers waiting
for overseas flights from Vancouver can slip into a dim, quiet
pod to escape airport clatter and catch a nap. For only $15,
passengers on flights to Thailand, Korea and Japan can spend
two hours in ergonomically designed recliners under a cocoon,
according to the Toronto Globe and Mail. The Vancouver
airport is the first in the world to offer the pod, which was
unveiled this year by Metronaps.

A dark fiberglass visor fits over the top of a padded recliner,
encasing the traveler's upper body inside a cone. A soft, grey
blanket covers the feet and legs while acoustic guitar music
alternates with the sound of ocean waves and running streams
to cover most of the airport noise.

Gentle vibrations awake travelers in time to make their flights
and they are handed a moist handcloth to wipe their faces.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three years after the first detainees were held in Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba, not one alleged terrorist has been prosecuted, the
New York Times reported recently. The Times said only four
of the 560 men being held at the Guantanamo Bay detention
facility have been charged and preliminary hearings for those
four had produced such a barrage of procedural challenges and
public criticism that verdicts could still be months away.

In October Amnesty International urged both U.S. presidential
candidates to publicly commit to ending torture and inhuman
treatment of detainees in U.S. custody. This followed a report
issued in April. I am not suggesting anything other than we
prosecute these criminals under our system of laws rather than
continue to act as a despotic and lawless government.
http://web.amnesty.org/library/index/ENGIOR410242004

As the local radio station calls them "the Bush Crime Family"
is at work again and we should all be outraged that due process
has been totally ignored. The Geneva Convention says that
"Prisoners of war must receive due process and fair trials. "
http://www.genevaconventions.org/

Our three braches of the government are meant as a system
of checks and balances, however in the last few years this has
been largely ignored. Unfortunately the next few years will
bring sweeping changes as the retirement of Supreme Court
Justices brings Bush an opportunity to stack the Court with
good ol' boy mentality which will affect my grandkids far more
than myself. I feel helpless to understand just how anyone can
see the abuses of power and re-elect a party and a president
who sanctions cheating, lying, violations of basic rights, and a
disregard for "We the people" in favor of lining the pockets of
the weathy.

A study shows nearly a quarter of corporate executives are
not entirely truthful on their resumes. The survey, by the
outplacement firm Christian & Timbers, involved 500 execs
and found 23% fudged on facts, ABC said.
44% embellished their job descriptions
48% inflated their salaries
52% embellished their academic histories 60% increased the
size of the team they managed 64% lied about their accomplishments.
And the No. 1 resume lie?
71% of the executives misrepresented the number of years
they'd served in their jobs.

Adult Dating Tips
http://women.msn.com/965003.armx?GT1=5953

A group of Canadians got together this political satire after
the election "results" were reported. Too bad its not real.
http://www.marryanamerican.ca/

For my Canadian friends, how about This Magazine
"Because Everything is Political"
http://www.thismagazine.ca/features/

U.S. President George Bush, portrayed in Michael Moore's
"Fahrenheit 9/11" has been named Movie Villain of the Year
by readers of a British film magazine. Bush defeated the evil
scientist Doctor Octopus in "Spider-Man 2," Leatherface, the
chainsaw-wielding cannibal in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"
and "Lord of the Rings'" Gollum, in Total Film magazine's poll.
http://www.futurenet.com/totalfilm/magazine/default.asp?pagetypeid=2&articleid=32690&subsectionid=1721

The Register was more forthcoming about it http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/10/28/bush_movie_villain/

Not One Damn Dime (oops its over)
http://www.counter-inaugural.org/phpical/includes/event.php

More to do after the election
http://notonedamndime.com/boycott/AfterJan20.asp

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two cab drivers were waiting for fares in front of a downtown
hotel. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your
cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you
should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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The Illustrated Guide to Breaking Your Computer http://members.aol.com/spoons1000/break/index.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More silly sites
http://www.penncen.com/7wonders/7wonders.html

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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends.

If they're okay, then it's you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years
finally improved to the point where it was thought he might
be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided
it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview
him first.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are
considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real
life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former
mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the
stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put
me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure
theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and
stressful."

"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.

"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is
something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding
the knowledge of young people."

"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.

"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books
on science, or I may even write a novel based on all my
experiences in the psychiatric institution."

"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me...
I can always continue to be a teakettle!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kindergartner was having trouble putting on his boots,
so he asked his teacher for help. With her pulling and him
pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough,
they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it
was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to
get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle
the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your
mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to
take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that
a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour
before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane
was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted,
"Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air,
though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer.

"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in
touch with it. "~~ Lily Tomlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his
life."~~ Terry Pratchett.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay
for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist
asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears
on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We're getting back to good old-fashioned family values
at our house. At dinner last evening my daughter even
pushed the TV mute button when we said grace.

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