Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 1

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 1 January 4, 2005

Yep I know its Tuesday and I missed the year end so this
issue will be extra long. It will include "Best of 2004" items
from here and there as well as a 2004 retrospective from
Dave Barry at the very end. It's quite long but very funny.

As for me, I of course, contracted the plague for the holidays
(actually this year I made it till the 28th before coming down
with this whopper.) I have been stumbling along without
enough brain power available to write this until now. Look
out since my brain seems to be functioning and I have a lot
to say about a variety of things.

The kids were here for a visit which is always nice but at
the end I'm afraid I was not really up for much. We did
manage to rip open lots of presents, assemble stuff for the
grandkids, shop, and eat. I hope you all managed to do the
same or at least to get together with family for some fun.

Today we are expecting snow and freezing rain again so
I am huddled inside under a blanket. (The same thing I
have been doing for most of a week and yes I have a
blanket over my lap at my desk.) The difference is I don't
plan on sticking even my head outside the house. I have
to make my lists and work on eating the perishables for
the next week since I am headed for California next Tuesday.

My sister reminds me that its cold and rainy there this
time of year and my retort is "sweetie its 12 degrees here
and they are talking about 3 inches of snow tomorrow so
58 and rain. . . 'not so bad'". Anyway part of the time we
will be in Vegas, which I love but haven't been to for 9
years or so.

I am looking forward to seeing all the new things there.
NY NY, Bellagio, Paris, Mandalay Bay, and the Venetian
were all built since I was there last. We are staying on the
strip and I hope we get a few shows in but we are taking
my neices so PG will be the rule. I may get some gambling
time after they are tucked away in bed but mostly hope
to sight see.

Enough of my story and onto the fun:
Worst Celeb Fashions of 2004 from MSN
1=6065">1=6065">http://entertainment.msn.com/photos/gallery.aspx?gallery=6754>1=6065

Lift a glass to 2004
http://biz.yahoo.com/bizwk/041217/nf200412178524_db086_1.html

Amazons Best of 2004
http://money.cnn.com/2004/12/31/news/midcaps/amazon/

Best and Worst Films of 2004
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/10523676.htm?1c

Best Commercials of 2004
http://www.straight.com/content.cfm?id=7340

More Best and Worse of 2004
http://www.wcfcourier.com/articles/2004/12/30/wcfentertainment/pulse/3e270f084450685c86256f790075b69a.txt
A glimpse of some of the good (and not so good) people who
have passed away in 2004:
Actors: Tony Randall, Christopher Reeve, Jerry Orbach,
Marlon Brando, Janet Leigh, Jason Robards, Anne Miller,
Howard Keel, John D. Barrymore, Lincoln Kirkpatrick and
of course many more.
Lost to the world of music: Artie Shaw, Ray Charles, Son
Seals, Hank Garland, Terry Melcher, Jimmy Lovelace,
Opera Soprano Renata Tebaldi, King of Funk Rick James,
Tony Mottola, Laura Branigan, Johnny Ramone, Dimebag
Darrell Abbott, ODB or his given name Russell Jones, and
more not mentioned.

A number of legendary photographers whose names are
not necessarily a household word but yet filmed the visions
that fed our minds have also died this year, among them:
Richard Avedon, Carl Mydans, Robert L. Bryant, Francesco
Scavullo, Henry Ries, Eddie Adams, George Silk, Charlie
McCarty, Joe Scherschel, Marvin Smith, Helmut Newton,
Nicolas Reynard, and Henri Cartier-resson.

Also some great Authors: Arthur Hailey, William Hinton,
Harvey Wheeler, and Rosemary Breslin as well as, others
of note: Susan Sontag, Charles Beiderman, Julius Axelrod,
Former President Reagan, James S Rockefeller, Julia Child,
Jeff Smith = the Frugal Gourmet, Estee Lauder, Yasser
Arafat, Reggie White, Former Cincinnati Reds owner
Marge Schott, Rodney Dangerfield, Jay Van Andel (founder
of Amway), Princess Juliana, queen of The Netherlands
1948 to 1980, and Jose Lopez Portillo, president of Mexico
from 1976 to 1982

Last but not least are more than 1,300 American
soldiers that have died in Iraq and some 10,000
that have been wounded.

For a consisce look at more heros who have left us http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/26/nyregion/26CONN.html
http://dpsinfo.com/dps/2004.html
http://www.charlotte.com/mld/observer/news/local/10535483.htm?1c
http://www.playbill.com/news/article/90384.html
http://query.nytimes.com/search/query?ppds=ctaxAbodyS&v1=Top%2fNews%2fObituaries&v2=obituaries&fd=%2219960101%22&query=obituaries&clean_query=obituaries%20&sort=closest&date_select=full&srchot=s&srchst=nyt&srcht=p&


Have you seen the MSN video page?
http://video.msn.com/l.htm
A new find for those who love literature
http://www.littlebluelight.com/lblphp/index.php

The Best Games you Haven't Played Yet
http://www.wired.com/news/games/0,2101,66135,00.html

What to do with that gift card you can't use
http://www.wired.com/news/ebiz/0,1272,66151,00.html

OOOOOOooooooo just in time to deal with returning that
Christmas present here are phone numbers were you can
talk to actual humans at Amazon and eBay
http://clicheideas.com/amazon.htm

Bad time of year for viruses and spyware. The Holiday
season brings out all the new computers that may or
may not have up to date virus definitions even if loaded
with anti virus software. Beware, check yours out, and
read about the worst Spyware and recent virus attacks
on Cnet:
http://news.com.com/2002-7349_3-0.html?tag=st.cat.hd


Thought you might like to see more of the Jacquie
Lawson cards
http://www.jacquielawson.com/thecards2.asp

Jib Jab laughs with Santa
http://www.jibjab.com/xmas/index.asp

Funnies from Yahoo and Zthing
http://in.greetings.yahoo.com/cards/Zthing_com/

More fun games
http://www.owens4.com/games/



Check link for slideshow of the Strange
http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/news/2691965/detail.html


Listen to some MP3 clips from one of my favorite Canadian
artists Jim Byrnes, ok he was American born but after 30
years I say he IS Canadian (better known as Joe Dawson
from the popular Highlander TV series)
http://www.blackhenmusic.com/artists/jim_byrnes/releases.html

Blues and jazz for those who approve of quality not quantity
http://www.mapleshaderecords.com/index.php

Meet the characters from blues cartoon Buddy & Hoskins
check out the tour dates links for actual cartoon strips
http://www.buddyandhopkins.com/BH_BIOS.htm


Although its too brisk to visit New England at this time
of year you may want to make reservations here for
another season. I always wanted to visit there in the fall.
http://www.snugcottage.com/


Ask Martha gets Grumpy on Bad Grammer
http://encarta.msn.com/column_grammarmain_marthahome/Grumpy_Martha



More of the Top Headlines of the Year

*Boston won the World Series

*Ukraine Viktor Yushchenko survived a bizarre poisoning
episode to win a presidential election *Four major
hurricanes -- Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne -
devastated Florida and other southern states in August and
September, killing 117 people in Florida, destroying 2,500
homes and causing more than $22 billion in insured losses.

*Michael Phelps arrested for DUI just weeks after capturing
eight medals in Athens

*The Greek Olympics went well

*Lance Armstrong wins his 6th Tour de France

*Texan Jessica Simpson, the one who makes Paris Hilton
look like a genius, showed an astonished nation what a
Texas intellectual looks like. Upon being introduced to
Interior Secretary Gale Norton, she said, "You've done
a nice job decorating the White House

*I caught the Super Bowl half-time show like millions of
others. What I found most interesting, except for the
excessive $550,000 fine to CBS and the paranoia that
ensued, was how this all became about Janet Jackson,
as though Justin Timberlake were never there.

*The 8th of June provided us with the Venus Transit.
The first time in 122 years that we have had the chance
to see Venus pass between Earth and the Sun. If you
missed it, you will get another chance in 2012.

*Terrorists took control of a school in Russia and held
hundreds of hostages (many of whom were children).

*In November an old toasted cheese sandwich, that
resembled the face of the "Virgin Mary" was sold for
$28,000 on eBay!

*Some of television's most popular shows all ended:
Friends, Frasier, Sex and the City, and Drew Carey.

*Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin was noticed by child
welfare officials after dangling his one month-old
baby dangerously close to a crocodile in a stunt on
New Year's Day.

*California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered
officials to stop granting gay wedding licences in San
Francisco.

*A judge threw out a claim by Sony Pictures that it
be allowed to use remarks by a non-existent critic to
promote films including A Knight's Tale. The argument,
presented by Sony's lawyers--that adverts with fake
quotes are protected by freedom of speech
--was dismissed.

*NY radio DJ Howard Stern dropped by Clear Channel
Communications in April, after the media giant was
fined $495,000 fine for indecency for a foul-mouthed
interview with Paris Hilton's ex-lover Rick Salomon.
Stern was suspended from broadcasting on the
network's six stations following the "vulgar and
insulting" interview, but was removed as a result of
the size of the fine. However he was immeadiately
picked up by satelite "XM Radio. Stern will pay $1.75
million in a deal with the (FCC) Federal Communications
Commission.

*Former President Bill Clinton's autobiography My
Life broke records after fans bought more than
400,000 copies of the book in America on the
first day of release. The huge opening sales made
it the best-selling non-fiction book of all time.

*Martha Stewart sentenced to five months in prison
and five months of home confinement after being
convicted. The 62-year-old billionairess was also
placed on probation and fined $30,000. She began
her jail sentence in October at Alderson Prison Camp.

*The Motion Picture Association of America pledged
to take perpetrators to court to abolish the threat
posed to future film production. The civil suits will
seek damages of up to $30,000 per movie, to combat
the billions piracy is costing film studios every year.

*Dutch film-maker Theo Van Gogh was shot dead in
Amsterdam on Nov. 2 by a radical Islamist. Van Gogh,
47--who was related to legendary artist Vincent Van
Gogh-- had received death threats since his
controversial film Submission, which depicted violence
against women in Islamic societies, was broadcast on
Dutch television.

LMAO Check out this site of Lego building (the navigation
tools are at the top) make sure to look at construction
and faq's.
http://www.amyhughes.org/lego/church/photosfirst.html
If you lost all your lego pieces, would that make you Lego-las?

On to the Chuckles

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First a few left over holiday jokes:
At the typical Christmas dinner, Mom is always
yelling, "Get out of my kitchen!" The grown kids are
always yelling at their tiny offspring, "Stop running!
You'll break Grandma's furniture!" Dad is always
yelling, "Get out of the way! I can't see the TV
set!" The little ones are yelling, "It's my toy! Let me
play with it!" This is why this is known as the Holler Day
Season.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas
and accidentally hit a bird?
A: He got a partridge on a par three.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery
and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time
for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she
had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen
to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this
is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just
wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish
and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity,
who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "then you
must be....?"
....."Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask,
Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time
for all that crap. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things I think about when I'm sitting home alone and the
power goes out
If something in the future is canceled, what is canceled?
What has really happened? Something that didn't occur
yet is now never going to occur at all. Does that qualify
as an event? ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation.
The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly
motivated to me: Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug
dealers, Christian Republicans. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Martha Stewart went to jail and Cat Stevens has been
deported. I feel safer with them off the streets!"
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ENGLISH for TOURISTS
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN
IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND
WEEKENDS.

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF
THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY
WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS,
AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE;
LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE
FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF
RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."

Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE
RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."

From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW
EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED
OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR
FIRST VISIT TO MOSCOW, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE
AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An herpetologist (snake expert) brought several snakes
to show a class at the local community college. A young,
brunette went up to him after the class to ask more
about the snakes. She wanted to know if he had ever
been bitten by a poisonous snake.

He said "Yep, several times. Most recently a rattler bit
me right here", and he showed the scar on his arm
where the snake had sunk it's fangs.

She looked at the man in awe and asked, "And you lived!?"

He looked at her, surprised, then grinned and said

"You're really a blonde, aren't you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a
old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you
never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you
get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few
seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what
was that you were saying?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for
his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of
$500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years
and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary
quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary
was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he
replied, "This situation is right here in the fire
schedule rating table.

The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler,
isn't it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a business trip, my father approached a security check
point at the airport. The National Guard shift was
rotating, and a guard in full uniform was in line in front
of him. As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to
go through the metal detector.

Before doing so, he handed his M-16 rifle to the security
personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a
flashlight. Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through.
Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife
inside one of his pockets. "Sorry Sir, but this item is
prohibited," security said to the soldier. Taking the
knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
[Personally, I don't believe this one, but I can appreciate
the sentiment after going through a couple of airports!]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There's reports of price gouging going on for flu vaccine.
It was $85 a vial, now its up to $900 a vial. So apparently
Starbucks must be selling this stuff." --Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one

A doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat. As he
was driving his daughter to preschool, the little girl
picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart", thought the physician. My daughter
wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument. "Welcome to
McDonalds. May I take your order?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough the first time?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[that's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[definitely worthy of a headline!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[that was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[I certainly hope so!]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Ways The Mafia Can Improve Its Image

After whacking a guy, stick around to help with the cleanup

Appeal to the younger generation by changing spelling of
"Mafia" to "Maphia"

Goodbye cement shoes, hello comfortable Prowalker shoes
from Rockport

Rub out that annoying kid in the Dell commercials

Gala "Mafia Awards" ceremony hosted by Hollywood's
brightest stars

New strong-arm tactic: take someone to the circus and
then threaten to never take them again!

Oh I don't know, maybe stop killing everybody

Three words: Mafia Book Club

Don't just say you're dumping a body in New Jersey, say
you're dumping a body in New Jersey -- home of the soon-
to-be-world-champion Nets!

Every once in a while, make someone an offer they can refuse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just in case you didn't see Dave Barry this week
from the Miami Herald
2004 The politics, the passion, and Paris

Looking back on 2004, we have to conclude that it could
have been worse.

''HOW??'' you ask, spitting out your coffee.

Well, OK, a giant asteroid could have smashed into the
Earth and destroyed all human life except Paris Hilton
and William Hung. Or Florida could have been hit by 20
hurricanes, instead of just 17.

Or the Yankees could have won the World Series.
But no question, 2004 was bad. Consider:

? We somehow managed to hold a presidential election
campaign that for several months was devoted almost
entirely to the burning issue of: Vietnam.

? Our Iraq policy, despite being discussed, debated and
agreed upon right up to the very highest levels of the
White House, did not always seem to be wildly popular
over there in Iraq.

? Osama bin Laden remained at large for yet another
year (although we did manage, at long last, to put
Martha Stewart behind bars).

? The federal budget deficit continued to worsen,
despite the concerted effort of virtually every
elected official in Washington -- Republican or
Democrat -- to spend more money.

? As a nation, we managed somehow to get even fatter,
despite the fact that anti-carbohydrate mania worsened
to the point where the average American would rather
shoot heroin than eat a bagel.

? The ``reality''-show cancer continued to metastasize,
so that you couldn't turn on the TV without seeing
either Donald Trump or a cavalcade of dimwits emoting
dramatically about eating bugs, losing weight, marrying
a millionaire or remodeling a bathroom.

? Perhaps most alarming of all, Cher yet again
extended her ''farewell'' tour, which began during
the Jimmy Carter administration and is now expected
to continue until the sun goes out.

So all things considered, we're happy to be entering a
new year, which according to our calculations will be
2005 (although the exit polls are predicting it will be
1997). But before we move on, let's swallow our anti-
nausea medication and take one last look back at 2004,
which began, as so many years seem to, with January
a month that opens with all the magic, excitement and
glamour conjured up by the words ''Iowa caucuses.''

All the political experts -- having gauged the mood of
the state by dining with each other at essentially three
Des Moines restaurants -- agree that the Democratic
nomination has already been locked up by feisty yet
irritable genius Vermont governor Howard Dean, thanks
to his two unbeatable weapons: (1) the Internet, and
(2) college students wearing orange hats.

But it turns out that the Iowa voters, many of whom
apparently do not eat at the right restaurants, are out
of the loop regarding the Dean strategic brilliance.
Instead they vote for John ''I Served In Vietnam'' Kerry,
who served in Vietnam and also has many policies,
although nobody, including him, seems to know for sure
exactly what they are. Dean, reacting to his Iowa loss,
gives an emotional concession speech that ends with
him making a sound like a hog being castrated with a
fondue fork. Incredibly, this fails to improve his poll
standings.

Meanwhile the Bush administration, increasingly
disturbed by the bad news from Iraq, cancels the
White House's lone remaining subscription
(Baseball Digest).

But the news is much better from Mars, where yet
another spunky li'l NASA robot vehicle lands and begins
transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear
virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by
all the other spunky li'l NASA robots, thus confirming
suspicions that the universe has a LOT of rocks in it.

In other outer-space news, Michael Jackson, clearly
concerned about his trial on charges of child
molestation, dances on the roof of an SUV.

In lifestyle news, the hot trend is ''metrosexuals'' --
young males who are not gay, but are seriously into
grooming and dressing well. There are only eight
documented cases of males like this, all living in
two Manhattan blocks, but they are featured in an
estimated 17,000 newspaper and magazine articles
over the course of about a week, after which this
trend, like a minor character vaporized by aliens
in a Star Trek episode, disappears and is never
heard from again.

In sports, Pete Rose publishes a book in which he
at last confesses to an allegation that dogged him
throughout his baseball career: He's a jerk.

Speaking of shocking revelations, in FEBRUARY
the nation -- already troubled by bad news from
Iraq, coupled with a resurgence in terrorism and a
slow economic recovery -- is traumatized by some-
thing that leaves a deep and lasting scar on the
fragile national psyche: Janet Jackson's right nipple,
which is revealed for a full three ten-thousandths
of a second during the Super Bowl halftime show.

This event is so traumatic that the two teams are
unable to complete the game, with many players
simply lying on the field in the fetal position,
whimpering. It is a moment reminiscent of the JFK
assassination, in that virtually all Americans can
remember exactly where they were when it
happened.

''I was on the sofa,'' they say. Or: ''I was in the
bathroom and missed the traumatic moment, but
fortunately we have TiVo.''

As the nation reels in shock, the networks ban all
programs that feature any kind of nudity, including
unclothed fish. Congress also swiftly swings into
action: Democrats blame the Bush administration,
noting that the nipple was revealed on Bush's watch;
while Republicans point out that, during all eight
years of the Clinton administration, Janet Jackson
clearly possessed nipples, and Bill Clinton was almost
certainly aware of this.

Bush himself suggests the possibility that the nipples
could have originated in Iraq. John Kerry notes that
there were nipples in Vietnam.

Elsewhere in politics, feisty Internet genius Howard
Dean drops out of the Democratic race after losing 17
consecutive primaries, despite leading in every single
exit poll. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader announces that he
will again run for president, a decision that is hailed
unanimously by Nader's support base, which consists of
Ralph and his friend Wendell the talking space turtle.

In entertainment news, the feel-good hit of the winter
is Mel Gibson's wacky film romp The Passion of the Christ,
although critics of product placement object to the scene
where Pontius Pilate can be seen holding a Diet Sprite.

On the cultural front, the mayor of San Francisco attempts
to legalize same-sex marriage, which outrages those who
believe that marriage is a sacred institution that should be
entered into only by heterosexual people, such as Britney
Spears and Mike Tyson.

Speaking of fighters, in MARCH
John Kerry sews up the Democratic nomination with primary
victories in California, Florida, Illinois, Canada, France,
Germany and Sweden. Kerry's closest rival, John Edwards,
drops out of the race, but Dennis Kucinich stays in, saying
that he intends to keep his idealistic grass-roots campaign
going until either all U.S. troops leave Iraq, or Dennis
finds a girlfriend.

In other political news, Russian president Vladimir Putin
easily wins re-election, despite exit polls indicating the
winner was Howard Dean.

There is finally some positive news from Iraq, where
negotiators reach agreement on an interim constitution,
which guarantees that, for the first time ever, Iraq will
be governed by a duly elected council of nervous men in
armored cars going 80 mph.

In domestic news, U.S. gasoline prices reach record levels
when, in what economists describe as a freak coincidence,
two drivers attempt to refuel their Humvees on the same day.

On the legal front, a federal jury convicts Martha Stewart
on four counts of needing to be taken down a peg. In what
many legal experts call an unduly harsh punishment, a
federal judge sentences Stewart to be the topic of 17
consecutive weeks of Jay Leno jokes.

Speaking of punishments, in APRIL
the Federal Communications Commission levies a $495,000
fine against Clear Channel Communications for a 2003
incident in which Howard Stern, on his nationally
broadcast radio show, exposed his right nipple.

But the big entertainment news comes at the end of the
two-hour season finale of the mega-hit reality show The
Apprentice, when Donald Trump, in the most-anticipated
event of the year -- and quite possibly all of human
history -- fires that one guy, whatshisname, and keeps
that other guy. You remember. It was HUGE.

Meanwhile, in another blow to the U.S.-led coalition effort
in Iraq, Spain withdraws its troop, Sgt. Juan Hernandez. As
violence in Iraq escalates, critics of the Bush
administration charge that there are not enough U.S.
soldiers over there. Administration officials heatedly
deny this, arguing that the real problem is that there are
too many Iraqis over there. In the words of one high-level
official (who is not identified in press reports because
of the difficulties involved in spelling ''Condoleezza'')
the administration ''may have to relocate the Iraqis to a
safer area, such as Ecuador.'' John Kerry calls this ''a
ridiculous idea,'' adding, ''I wholeheartedly endorse it.''

In economic news, the price of a gallon of gasoline at the
pump reaches $236.97, prompting widespread concern that
there is something wrong with this particular pump.
Congress vows to hold hearings.

Speaking of things gone wrong MAY
world outrage grew in reaction to photos taken inside
Iraq's notorious Abu Ghraib prison, showing U.S. soldiers
repeatedly forcing prisoners to look at the video of Janet
Jackson's right nipple. As human-rights organizations
voice outrage, President Bush vows to ''punish whoever is
responsible for this, no matter who it is, unless of
course it is Donald Rumsfeld.'' Congress vows to hear
holdings.

The nation's mood does not improve when the Department
of Making Everybody in the Homeland Nervous raises the
Official National Terror Index Level to ''Yikes!'' based on
having received credible information indicating that al
Qaeda terrorist cells are, quote, ''up to something''
and ''could be in your attic right now.''

John Kerry, looking to improve his image with Red State
voters, shoots a duck.

On the health front, medical researchers announce that if
you feed one aspirin per day to laboratory rats, eventually
you are going to get bit.

In sports, popular spunky horse ''Smarty Jones'' wins
the Kentucky Derby, confounding exit pollsters who had
unanimously picked Seabiscuit.

Congress vows to call its bookie.

The big entertainment news in May is the much-anticipated
final episode of Friends, in which Joey, Chandler, Ross,
Rachel, Monica and Phoebe suddenly realize that that they
are, like, 53 years old.

Speaking of final episodes, in JUNE
former President Ronald Reagan dies and embarks on a week
long national tour. Also hitting the road for the last
time is Ray Charles.

Another former President, Bill Clinton, travels around the
nation bringing comfort to large crowds of Americans who
injured themselves attempting to lift Clinton's 1,000-page
memoir, titled Some Day I Might Read This Myself.

The news from Iraq continues to worsen as the interim
governing council, in a move that alarms the Bush
administration, chooses, by unanimous vote, its new acting
president: Al Gore. He immediately demands a recount.

In a related development, CIA Director George Tenet -- the
man who advised President Bush that the case for proving
there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was a ''slam
dunk'' -- resigns to accept a job advising the New York
Yankees.

President Bush meets with the pope and, in impromptu
remarks afterward, describes him as ''a great American.''

John Kerry, campaigning in Michigan, strangles a deer.

On the economic front, there is good news and bad news.
The good news is, the U.S. economy has generated
250,000 new jobs. The bad news is that 80 percent of
these openings are for cable TV legal experts needed to
speculate endlessly about Scott Peterson.

Speaking of jobseekers, in JULY
John Kerry is formally nominated at the Democratic
convention in Boston and, in his acceptance speech, tells
the wildly cheering delegates that, if he is elected
president, his highest priority will be ''to develop
facial expressions.'' Also well-received at the convention
is Kerry's wife, Teresa Heinz-Ketchup Kerry, who gives a
moving account of being an immigrant in America with
little more than hopes, dreams, a personal staff, a large
fortune and a Gulfstream jet. Vice presidential nominee
John Edwards also makes a well-received speech, after
which he is never heard from again.

In Washington, President Bush, reacting to news of a
projected sharp increase in the federal budget deficit,
vows to find out if this is a good thing or a bad thing,
or what.

On the terrorism front, the federal commission charged with
investigating the Sept. 11 attacks, having spent more than
a year questioning hundreds of witnesses and reviewing
thousands of pages of classified documents, concludes that
the attacks were ''very bad'' and ''better not happen again.''
Congress vows to hold hearings.

Meanwhile, in another blow to the U.S.-led effort in Iraq,
Uruguay announces that it intends to pull its troops out of
the coalition. Informed that it has no troops in the coalition,
Uruguay asks if it can borrow some.

In Baghdad, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein appears in
a courtroom to hear the charges against him, which include
torture, murder, genocide and more than 175,000 zoning
violations. Hussein declares that he is innocent and
offers to take a urine test. The judge rules that further
proceedings will be postponed ''until the Scott Peterson
trial is over.''

The big movie hit of the summer is Fahrenheit 9/11, a
shocking documentary that shows how Bush administration
policies were directly responsible for making Michael Moore
more than $100 million.

In sports, Lance Armstrong wins his sixth consecutive Tour
de France, overcoming the hardship of having to pedal
hundreds of kilometers with hostile French persons clinging
to his legs.

Speaking of sporting triumphs, in AUGUST
Greece hosts a highly successful Olympics, with the USA
winning all the gold medals, at least the ones shown on
TV. Fears of terrorist attacks prove unjustified, most
likely because the terrorists, like everybody else, are
watching women's beach volleyball. The only major
controversy involves the men's gymnastics gold medal,
which is won by American Paul Hamm, despite exit polls
showing it should have gone to a South Korean.

On the political front, the Republicans gather for their
national convention in New York City, which welcomes
them with open armpits. But the hot political story is the
allegation by a group of Swift Boat veterans that John
Kerry exaggerated his Vietnam accomplishments, and that in
fact his boat was, quote, ''not particularly swift.'' This
story produces a media frenzy of charges and
countercharges that soon has the entire nation riveted to
reruns of America's Funniest Home Videos.

In other political news, New Jersey Gov. James E. McGreevey
resigns after confirming persistent rumors that he has nipples.

In weather news, an unprecedented series of hurricanes --
Arnie, Barb, Chuck, Deb, Ernie, Francine, Gus and
Harlotta --all head directly for Florida, causing millions
of Sunshine State residents, by longstanding tradition, to
throng to home-supply stores in an effort to purchase the
two available pieces of plywood. Damage is extensive,
although experts say it would have been much worse if not
for a dense protective barrier of TV news people standing
on the beaches and excitedly informing the viewing audience
that the wind was blowing.

In other bad news, the Department of Homeland Fear,
acting on credible information, raises the National Terror
Index Level to ''EEEEEEEE,'' which is a level so high that
only dogs can detect it.

Speaking of alarming, in SEPTEMBER
Florida's weather woes worsen as the Sunshine State is
battered on consecutive days by hurricanes Irving, Jonetta,
Karl, Louanne, Myron, Naomi, Orville, Peg, and Quentin.
When it is finally all over, many Florida residents are
completely hairless, and shards of Walt Disney World are
coming down as far away as Montana. The federal
government, reacting quickly, sends a third sheet of
plywood to Florida, and promises that a fourth will be
on the way ''soon.''

In politics, the month begins with the Republican
Convention and Mass Arrest still going on in New York
City. The GOP delegates, confounding exit pollsters,
nominate George W. Bush, who promises that, if re-elected,
he will ''continue doing whatever it says here on the
TelePrompTer.''

With more bad news coming from Iraq, and Americans citing
terrorism and health care as their major concerns, the news
media continue their laser-beam focus on the early 1970s.
Dan Rather leads the charge with a report on CBS's 60
Minutes citing a memo, allegedly written in 1972,
suggesting that Bush shirked his National Guard duty.
Critics charge that the memo is a fake, pointing out that
at one point it specifically mentions the 2003 Outkast hit
Hey Ya. Rather refuses to back down, arguing that the
reference could be to ''an early version of the song.''

Just when the public is about to abandon hope in the
presidential election, the candidates get together for an
actual debate at the University of Miami Convocation
Center, which is the only building left standing in
Florida. In summary: Bush states that being president is
really, really hard, for him, anyway. Kerry states that he
is really, really smart and has like 185 specific plans.
It is agreed there will be two more debates, although
nobody can explain why.

In aviation news, US Airways files for bankruptcy for a
second time, only to have a federal judge rule that the
airline can't possibly get any more bankrupt than it
already is. Meanwhile, the Transportation Security
Administration, acting on credible information, announces
that it will be requiring additional airport screening for
commercial-airline passengers who are, quote, ''wearing
clothes.''

On the legal front, a judge drops rape charges against
Kobe Bryant on the grounds that ''the Scott Peterson
trial is hogging all the cable-TV celebrity legal analysts.''

In medical news, the popular anti-arthritis drug Vioxx is
pulled from the market after clinical trials show that it
may contain carbohydrates. On a more-positive note,
former president Bill Clinton experiences chest pains and
is rushed to New York-Presbyterian Hospital, where, in
a five-hour operation, surgeons successfully remove a
glazed doughnut the size of a catcher's mitt.

Speaking of the National Pastime, in OCTOBER
the Boston Red Sox, ending an 86-year drought, defeat
the St. Louis Cardinals to win the World Series, defying
exit polls that had overwhelmingly picked the Green Bay
Packers. The Red Sox get into the Series thanks to the
fact that the New York Yankees -- who were leading the
American League championships three games to none, and
have all-stars at every position, not to mention a payroll
larger than the gross national product of Sweden -- chose
that particular time to execute the most spectacular choke
in all of sports history, an unbelievable Gag-o-Rama, a
noxious nosedive, a pathetic gut-check failure of such
epic dimensions that every thinking human outside of the
New York Metro area experienced a near-orgasmic level of
happiness. But there is no need to rub it in.

In entertainment news, Howard Stern signs a five-year,
$500 million deal to move his show to satellite radio,
where a man can still display a nipple.

On the health front, the big story is a nationwide
shortage of flu vaccine, caused by the fact that
apparently all the flu vaccine in the world is
manufactured by some guy in Wales or someplace with a
Bunsen burner. Congress, acting with unusual swiftness,
calls on young, healthy Americans to forego getting
flu shots this year so that more vaccine will be available
for members of Congress.

President Bush notes that additional vaccine ''could be
hidden somewhere in Iraq.''

John Kerry, campaigning in North Carolina, kills a raccoon
with a hatchet.

In aviation news, SpaceShipOne, the first privately funded
manned rocket, breaks free from its mother plane, soars 62
miles above the Earth, swoops gracefully back to earth,
rolls to a stop on the Mojave Desert, and files for
bankruptcy.

Abroad, Yasser Arafat collapses and is taken to a hospital,
where his condition rapidly worsens and continues to worsen
until nobody thinks it can get any worse, but somehow it
does. ''It's really bad,'' says a hospital spokesperson.
''We've never seen anybody achieve this degree of
worsening without kicking the actual bucket.''

Osama bin Laden, who has not been seen or heard from in
quite a while, releases a video in which he states that he
is ''willing to listen to offers from satellite radio.''

In other international news, Afghanistan's historic first
democratic elections go off without a hitch, except for an
unexplained 27,500 votes from residents of Palm Beach
County, Fla.
Speaking of elections, in NOVEMBER
the 2004 U.S. presidential election campaign, which has
been going on since the early stages of the Cher Farewell
Tour, finally staggers to the finish line. John Kerry
easily sweeps to a 53-state landslide victory in the exit
polls and has pretty much picked out his new Cabinet when
word begins to leak out that the actual, physical voters
have elected George W. Bush. Democrats struggle to
understand how this could have happened, and, after
undergoing a harsh and unsparing selfexamination, conclude
that red-state residents are morons.

Some Democrats threaten to move to Canada; Republicans,
in a gracious gesture of reconciliation, offer to help them pack.

The post-election recriminations and name-calling continue
for more than a week, until finally the public, realizing
that there are still important issues that affect the
entire nation, returns its attention to the Scott Peterson
trial, which finally ends with the jury finding Peterson
guilty of being just unbelievably irritating. The verdict
means sudden unemployment for thousands of cable-news
legal analysts, who return to their cave to hang upside
down by day and suck cow blood by night until they are
called for the next big TV trial.

Meanwhile there are big changes in the Bush Cabinet, the
most notable involving Secretary of State Colin Powell, who
announces his resignation after returning from a trip to
find all his office furniture replaced by Condoleezza
Rice's. Attorney General John Ashcroft also announces that
he will leave the cabinet to resume private life as a
frozen haddock.

Dan Rather also resigns, on orders received via the secret
radio in his teeth.

In other presidential news, thousands attend a festive
dedication of the 70,000-square-foot William Jefferson
Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Ark., next
door to the 90,000-square-foot William Jefferson Clinton
Presidential Cafeteria.

As the nation enters the holiday season, the festive mood
is dampened by the intrusion of grim reality, as 137
Americans die in vicious pre-dawn aisle-to-aisle combat
over deeply discounted post-Thanksgiving Christmas sale
items. Congress vows to remain on recess.

Abroad, the big news is the presidential election in the
Ukraine, where the government, citing exit polls, declares
that Viktor Yanukovych has defeated Viktor Yushchenko.

Hundreds of thousands of outraged Ukrainians take to the
streets, protesting the fact that they cannot remember
which Viktor is which. Many threaten to move to Canada.
Meanwhile, the condition of Yasser Arafat, already worse
than anybody believed possible, somehow worsens still
more, until it becomes so bad that Arafat no longer
responds to a medical procedure known technically as the
Hatpin Test, at which point he is declared legally
deceased. After a funeral service attended by a large and
extremely enthusiastic crowd, he is buried in several
locations.

In sports, a Pacers-Pistons NBA game in Detroit turns into
a riot after Pacers star and rocket scientist Ron Artest,
hit by a cup thrown by Fan A, retaliates by charging into
the stands and attacking Fans B, C and D. Explaining his
actions later on the Today show, Artest says he thought
he ''saw weapons of mass destruction.''

Speaking of sportsmanship, in DECEMBER
the pro-baseball world is stunned by the unbelievably
shocking and astounding and totally unexpected news
that some players may have taken steroids. ''Gosh,''
exclaims baseball commissioner Bud ''Bud'' Selig, ''this
could explain why so many players suddenly develop 200
additional pounds of pure muscle and, in some cases, a
tail.'' Seeking to restore fan confidence in the sport, the
players' union and the team owners, in a rare display of
cooperation, agree that it will be necessary to raise
ticket prices.

In Washington, the Cabinet shuffle continues as John
Hargrove resigns as Secretary of Interstate Affairs upon
being informed, after four years in Washington, that
there is no such Cabinet position. ''Under the
circumstances,'' states President Bush, ''he did a heckuva
job.''

On the military front, the president, in a move that sparks
international outrage, announces that he is sending Ron
Artest to Iraq. Meanwhile, the dollar continues to decline
abroad, largely because of what U.S. Treasury Secretary
John Snow describes as ''French waiters.''

In other international news, Iran continues to heatedly
deny that it is developing nuclear weapons, but is unable
to offer a plausible explanation as to why it purchased
200 pounds of enriched uranium on eBay. The United
Nations, reacting to this crisis with unusual swiftness,
resolves to do nothing.

In the Ukraine, weeks of massive street protests finally
lead to a ruling by the Ukrainian supreme court that
there must be a new election between the two Viktors,
only this time, ''they have to wear name tags.'' The
protesters attempt to go back indoors, only to discover
that their shoes are frozen to the streets.

Meanwhile, Yasser Arafat continues to worsen.
And he is not alone. As we look back on the events of
2004, we sometimes get the feeling that the whole
world is worsening. It would be easy to become
depressed about the future, and yet ...
... and yet we are not. As we approach the end of the
year, we find ourselves feeling hope, optimism, and a
warm glow of happiness. Why? Because we've been
hitting the eggnog. We recommend you do the same.
But whatever you do: Have a happy new year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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