Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 10

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 10 March 14, 2005


Beware the IM worm. Is your antivirus up to date?
Remember don't download from IM unless the source
is identified, trusted, and telling you they are sending.
http://www.techweb.com/wire/security/60407018


Speaking of IM, did you see the new Terms of Service
from AOL? They may have ramifications that weren't
thought out very well with their new business service.
http://www.eweek.com/article2/0,1759,1775649,00.asp


Excuse me but I don't see the ankle bracelet, do you?
Joe Q Public would already be back in the slammer for
parole violation, wouldn't he or she?
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/050307/480/nyma10203071958


While the rich and priviledged get their sentences ignored
the cops are out persecuting girl scouts and their families
for selling cookies! The Girl Scouts of America will provide
lawyers to assist this family. Thank goodness!
http://www.wnbc.com/news/4263089/detail.html

Something like Readers Digest Condensed books, these
philosophers have been summarized into digestable size.
http://www.btinternet.com/~glynhughes/squashed/


Tired of the same old drink. Droogle will offer suggestions
complete with reviews and recipes:
http://www.droogle.ca/

Can we really grow new teeth? Oh that's right, the Bushies
want to squash stem cell research and development.
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/ns/news/story.jsp?id=2005030915220002763240&dt=20050309152200&w=RTR&coview=

Whether Darwin is your cup of tea or you are a "Creationist"
this site is interesting. Check out the learning center.
http://www.becominghuman.org/


How can trading credits on mercury work any better than
trading clean air credits did? (WE gave away our clean air
credits to Chicago and Gary and Milwaukee ended up with
reformulated gas with a higher price to buy and run).
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/14/politics/14mercury.html?


More scary stuff from the NY Times Cars and computer
viruses or is it viri?
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/13/automobiles/13AUTO.html


Speaking of scary, this is the scary side of economics:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/13/magazine/13WWLN.html


Star Wars, it's not for kids anymore.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4339023.stm

Do you have a TV show you would like to stay on the air?
Vote here to send a message to the networks:
http://www.savemyshow.com/

A news flash for the American Idol fans:
http://www.variety.com/VR1117919351.html

Sad news for Paul Newman fans
http://www.nynewsday.com/news/local/wire/connecticut/ny-bc-ct--newmanat800311mar11,0,5909845,print.story?coll=ny-region-apconnecticut

Speaking of Paul, have you tried his line of foodstuff?
Not only tasty, but profits go to charity.
http://www.newmansown.com/3a_history.html

I love Penn & Teller. Has anyone seen this show? I have
been trying to find it during Showtime's free preview, but
no luck there. There are some great topics explored.
http://www.sho.com/site/ptbs/topics.do

Like to see magic on TV? This site picks it out for you:
http://www.tvmagicguide.com/

More and more magic on the web
http://allmagic.com/allmagicguide/

So you think you have seen ugly couches? Try these:
http://www.surefit.net/promotions/uglycouch/past_winners.cfm

Parody on the Chinese Zodiac using snackfood.
http://www.toadalamode.com/zodiac.html


String of sites with dumb warnings, dumb laws, dumb
criminals, even dumb bumper stickers.
http://www.dumbwarnings.com/

Really funny parody on romance novels. Don't miss the
Odds & Ends section either.
http://www.worldoflongmire.com/features/index.html

If you are thinking about buying a new or used car, look at
all the info they have here first.
http://www.crashtest.com/default.htm

A & E has to be one of the best TV channels and I love their
show Biography. Coming up this month are shows on everyone
from Jesus to David Koresh, with stops in between for Martha
Stewart, Bruce Willis, Scott Hamilton, the BeeGees, Princess
Diana, and sons.
http://www.aetv.com/global/listings/upcomingepisodes.jsp?ACatId=11994214&CaseId=11994215&EGrpId=186665


Super travel blog with fabulous scenic pics
http://www.notesfromtheroad.com/

Ever need to say "I like you"?
http://www.it.dev.duke.edu/tmp/I_Like_You.swf

Free games online
http://www.onlinegames.com/

Another way to play online. Try Bump Copter:
http://www.eternalfun.com/uploads/bumpcopter2.swf

WOW 125 years old!
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=816&u=/ap/20050304/ap_on_fe_st/brazil_oldest_woman&printer=1

Make money from your hobby
http://women.msn.com/1036403.armx?GT1=6211

If you do have a small business, is it time to sell online?
http://women.msn.com/careermoney.armx
http://women.msn.com/careermoneyindex.armx

Recently Google created a shortcut "movies" or "showtimes"
followed by a Zip Code or location. For example:
Movie: 53222 Showtimes Milwauke WI
You can also search for a specific film or lists of film info.
For example: movie: Jamie Fox playing piano
movie: Bruce Willis movie: boxer
Or find critics' reviews by clicking on the "reviews" link
or the star rating next to each movie.

RedLightGreen is a new Web-based service paving the
way for everyone to find reliable, trusted information
from your library right now. What was once available to
major university libraries and research institutions only,
can now be accessed by all who come to the Web.
http://www.redlightgreen.com/ucwprod/web/workspace.jsp?lang=english


And finally did you know that the song "Happy Birthday"
is copyrighted? More on that here:
http://www.unhappybirthday.com/

On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thinking fast, by kids in grade school
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
---
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
---
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
---
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
---
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on
the same day, same time."
---
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down
his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do
you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
---
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
---
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
---
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Winners from the “Alternate Word Contest”
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly
contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate
word meanings.
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor
assumed by a proctologist immediately before he
examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The FDA -- the Food and Drug Administration --
has set up a new procedure by which new drugs will
be tested and approved in four years. It's called college."
~~ Craig Ferguson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people.
Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and
yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people."
~~Eddie Izzard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because
men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do.
Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm
doing, just show me somebody naked." ~~Jerry Seinfeld

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are,
the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that.
I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's
breasts are, the less intelligent men become."
~~ Anita Wise

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the
terror alert was raised from Orange to Pesto."
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Martha Stewart is getting out of prison this week. Boy,
time really flies when you're not the one doing it."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter
than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt
that buttons down the back?" ~~ Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn
up the intelligence. They got one marked 'brightness'
but it doesn't work." ~~ Gallagher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not.
Contracts come with warrantees. When something
goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer.
If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him
back to his mama's house. "I don't know; he just
stopped working. He's just laying around making a
funny noise." ~~ Wanda Sykes-Hall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember
if you took your medicine."~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Cat Rules
*Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
*Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to
use it. You can change your mind.
*When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand
half in and half out and think about several important
things. This is especially important during cold weather
and mosquito season.
*If one person is idle, and the other busy, choose the
busy one.
*For book readers, get in close under their chin, unless
you can lie across the book itself.
*For people doing homework, sit on the paper being
worked on. After being moved for the second time, push
anything moveable off the desk -- pens, pencils, stamps
etc. one at a time, and with great flourish.
*Remember at all times that you are the center of the
universe and all else must be either ignored, yours,
edible, and/or scratchable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Cats Know
*Make the world your playground.
*Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up.
*Dragging a sock over a mess helps.
*If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard until
you do.
*When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.
*Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
*Nap often.
*When in trouble, purr and look cute, works every time.
*Life is hard, then you nap.
*Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.
*When in doubt, cop an attitude.
*Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them with love.
*Climb your way to the top, that's why curtains are
there.
*Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in
each corner.
*Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care"
*When you have something important to say, try to
say it in the dead of night when you are 'sure'
everyone is sleeping.
*There is no better way to get the attention you
deserve, than to demand it.
*A cat knows your every thought. It doesn't care, but
it knows.
*Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
*Most people with cats know they are being controlled.
That's the horror of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Cats Are Better Than Men
A cat always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a cat.
You never have to spend time with your cats mother.
If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
You can de-claw a cat...try to get a guy to trim his toenails.
It's o.k. if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting is enough
to satisfy him.
A cat knows you are the key to its happiness...
a man thinks he is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU KNOW IT'S A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...
* They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
* All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
* Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect
a pilot.
* You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact
change.
* Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten
your Velcro.
* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little
for gas.
* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off
the runway.
* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he
says, "Just once."
* No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before
your eyes.
* You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let
off the plane.
* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
Sag your it.
Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted in your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says "Bend over".
Simon says something incoherent.
Hide and go pee.
Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
Musical recliners.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and
dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting
a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too
wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a
little MG; now they look more like my old Buick. My seat
cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.
Seat belts? I gave up all belts when the new Dairy Queen
opened in my old neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The
only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting
the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've
been many places and seen many things, but when' s the
last time an appraiser factored life experiences against
depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's
especially hard to see things up close. And night vision!
Especially nights driving in the rain, whew! My reaction is
not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and
bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls
are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach
my maximum speed. I'm burning fuel at an inefficient rate.
But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze or
cough, my radiator seems to leak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education
program at a community college, I am keenly aware of
the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and
older students. My observations were confirmed the day
a new student walked into our library area and glanced at
the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate
three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake.
Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the
same mistake twice. If you simply say, 'Don't make the
same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"
~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:

I went to the U.S. Patent Office to register some of
my inventions.I went to the main desk to sign in and
the lady at the desk asked me what I'd invented..

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle"

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for
products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the
form and left the office without telling her about
my folding bucket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More from Mike
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant
when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a
man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice
you've been watching that man for some time now. Do
you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been
drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't
think anybody could celebrate that long."

WHAT SHALL I WEAR TO COURT?


===========

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have
written an impressive new book. It's called: "Ministers
Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss . . .
the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. . .
One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is
if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat
folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really
chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,
gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen . . .
just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might
try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I
needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a
new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to
see how he is and found him writing frantically on a
piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he
didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life,
may the splinters never point the wrong way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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