Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 7

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 7 February 21, 2005

If you missed the Grammys you can check it out here
http://www.grammy.com/index.aspx


Did you get lots of Valentines?
I hope they weren't as creepy as these:
http://iconomy.addr.com/those_other_sticky_valentines/creepy.html
Too funny to wait till next year:
http://www.badcupid.com/index.shtml

Engrish can be simply defined as the humorous
English mistakes that appear in Japanese ads
and product design. Engrish can be found all
over the world, but the vast majority of the really
funny and creative Engrish is from Japan.
http://www.engrish.com/

Wacky uses for ordinary products
http://www.wackyuses.com/uses.html

Fascinating history on Schlitz Brewing
http://www.chiptin.com/schlitz/index.htm

Greatest Films of the 60's
http://www.filmsite.org/60sintro.html

History, Awards and Entertainment Year by Year
http://www.infoplease.com/yearbyyear.html

Here we have the first rumblings against Roe v Wade http://www.aberdeennews.com/mld/aberdeennews/news/10877880.htm

They will just turn anything into trading cards.
If you decide to buy any don't miss the promo specials.
http://www.shel-tone.com/sh_trading_cards.html

Somebody with obviously way too much time on
their hands has completely redone Star Wars in
ASCII on telnet no less
telnet://towel.blinkenlights.nl/


Try this Job Predictor for fun
http://www.jobpredictor.com/index.asp

Listen in CD quality stream or download at
http://www.bandanablues.com or
http://www.live365.com/stations/32415

The most widely distributed Blues radio program
in the world and if you can't find a station to pick
up locally
http://www.bealestreetcaravan.com/index.cfm?ID=0.0

WMSE streams on the internet 24 7
http://www.wmse.org/schedule.php

Great site for Blues lyrics
http://www.theonlineblues.com/index.html


The Pill changes taste in Men
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/ns/news/story.jsp?id=2005021612580002083512&dt=20050216125800&w=RTR&coview=

Wish I had seen this yesterday when we had a snow
day All kinds of things mystic (to read about)
http://www.themystica.com/mystica/info/Links.htm
http://www.themystica.com/mystica/info/topics.htm

THIS WEEK IN BLUES (AND SOUL) HISTORY
On Feb, 14th 1967, Aretha Franklin recorded her
cover of Otis Redding's "Respect" at Atlantic
Studios. It went to number one on the pop chart,
and stayed there for 2 weeks.

On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer
In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's
famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out
something like this....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.
What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I
watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What
I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,
3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch
a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One
isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my
money with?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer?

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Identifying Where A Driver Is From
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the accelerator
and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out
the window: Texas city male

* One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window,
keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center
of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which
case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to
antenna: West Virginia

* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with
the left blinker on: Florida

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by
smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who
really mean it. - Mark Twain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hehehe Pending Trombone Specific Legislation
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people
are killed, maimed or annoyed by trombones. The statistics
of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by reed
players, french horn and string sections seated within reach
of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking...not to
mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing
hearing problems reported by classical musicians of all
types who are forced to play the music of Wagner, Mahler
and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of the Herman,
Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory,
Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln, Jim Robinson, and Lee Gifford.

There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict
the sale of trombones and equip them with child-safety devices.
The influential trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this.
There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-
called "trigger lock" on all bass trombones!

Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children,
attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of
an unattended instrument on a stand in the corner of a room
or in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the
attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may
suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by
trying the same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't
know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse!

Trombones should be stored out of reach of children. Efforts
to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a
trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period
of time for law enforcement officials to cross-check the
purchaser's name against an International list of registered
trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been
repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer- Yamaha
(CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly
alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the
"sawed- off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation is also
pending in several progressive states, including New York
and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone
a Class A felony!

Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already
on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as
the 1932 nation-wide ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate
use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised
emptying of spit valves on public property. Filthy unsanitary
habit which will help spread the flu this year.

One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior
is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those
using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a trombone -
Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially
effective in identifying violators of this statute because career
criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their
lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone
was really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon. Strict
enforcement has been especially effective when used in
conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes
that have already been approved by many state legislatures.

Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models -
both piston and the middle-European rotary, are much more
dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol
has also reported the sudden appearance of rear- blasting
Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely
eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the
1918 Treaty of Versailles signed by representatives of every
civilized country of the period. You may recall that those
instruments were melted down and became an integral part
of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite
America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of
these WMD's are isolated factories in rural areas of China.
The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass
trombone could never have been imagined by the founding
fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.

Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will
play "I'm Gettin' Sentimental Over You." (author unknown)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask,
Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for
all of that garbage." --George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Florida, where the state motto is:
"It May Not Be Progress, But Let's Build It Anyway"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All human beings should try to learn before they die what
they are running from, and to, and why. ~~James Thurber

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cherries, pineapples, watermelons, and grapes do not
ripen after picking.

Edward Haas (inventor) created peppermint Pez and their
unique dispenser to help smokers quit.

Putting popcorn in the fridge or freezer dries it out so it won't
pop as well.

Presidents Day trivia
William Henry Harrison gave the longest inauguration speech
(105 minutes). It's believed that led to his catching pneumonia
and his death within one month.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you hear this? Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison.
She's become a lean, mean, sewing machine."
--Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my
own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And
I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with
a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of
an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell
you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and
then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two
Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back
and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers
babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like
this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread
and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It
was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,
breathe." "They started counting, but never even got past ten."

"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered
in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center! , so
there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,
if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another Erica comes along.

Sometimes children help us to see the world as it is meant
to be. Life is so short that we sometimes don't take the time
to stop and smell the roses...Each one of you has special
place in my heart and I wish you the best this year and in the
years to come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I saw a picture of the inventor of the hydrogen bomb, Edwin
Teller, wearing a tie clip. Why would the man who invented a
bomb that destroys everything for fifty miles be concerned
about whether or not his tie was straight?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to
attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-
pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving
with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow
and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave
without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this
note: "Meet us at the bar across the street. You drove, you idiot."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
Women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that
this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around
vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.

Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"

The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he
asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly
pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders
and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less
you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good
woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman -
with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher -
and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in
the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So
does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best
places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any
place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing
is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping
on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less
you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues
way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying
lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and
Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle
of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just
done sat on it. I don't care.

21. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem.
Most folks singin' the Blues ain't never had much a chance for
education.

22. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight.
Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.

23. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at
authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone:
"I didn't wake up this morning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you see this? Yesterday, a 4.2 earthquake shook
Arkansas. Over 200 cars were knocked off their blocks.
In fact they said they haven't seen that many people get
under a desk since Clinton was governor."
--Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Grammy Awards are on Sunday. President Clinton
is nominated for an award. He’s up for Best Spoken Word
Album. Not surprisingly the word is 'booby.'"
--Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually
find me next door playing pinball. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The mayfly lives only one day, and sometimes it rains."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my
keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for more Alcohol warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American
liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion
that the following warning labels be placed immediately
on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major contributor
to dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think
you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in
the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex
without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you
can tipe real gode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also thanks to Erin
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.
Touching words from the mouth of babes. A group of
professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got
were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it
for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.
That's love." Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My
Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they
kiss." Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million
more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears
it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I
looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving
and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down
and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she
doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose
of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner
was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Erin
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking
his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should
have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married,
you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...
maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well, how
about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and
I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ' Screw You', and I
holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
You may not know that many non-living things have a
gender. For example

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off,
it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-
inflated. (ouch)

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over
the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be
male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons
to push, he keeps trying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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