Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 11

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 11 March 21, 2005


Well I am gradually adding the back issues of Fun on
the Web here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/
So far issues 1, 2 3, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11 are available
for this year and I plan to add 2004 issues soon.

Try Martha for Easter Tips
http://www.marthastewart.com/
or try
http://www.realsimple.com/
http://www.womansday.com/
http://www.familycircle.com/
http://www.bhg.com/
http://www.epicurious.com/

Many online magazines can be reached from this one link
http://www.kitchenlink.com/magazines.html

MILWAUKEE, Wis. - It's not enough that bowlers can get their
ball in almost any color available. Now they can get their very
own scented bowling ball. Choose from scents like cinnamon,
orange, amaretto, cherry, and licorice. They range in price
from $150 to $250. http://stormbowling.com/

Healthopedia.com is a medical and health resource containing
unbiased info from trusted sources on 1,500+ health topics,
70 health centers, and more than 11,000 drugs.
http://www.healthopedia.com/

AllRefer Health has extensive info from trusted sources on
over4,000 topics including diseases, symptoms, injuries,
surgeries, tests, nutrition, poisons, and special topics.
http://health.allrefer.com/

Interactive Site for Smithsonian Asian Games Exhibit
(WOW)Learn about the history of many games in normal
use now and their histories. Beautiful pictures of games
from the past.
http://www.asia.si.edu/exhibitions/online/AsianGames/asianGamesFlash.htm

More games to play online
http://www.asia.si.edu/exhibitions/online/AsianGames/gameLinks.htm

More than just a library, the Library of Congress offers exhibits,
history, culture, and many hours of entertainment.
http://www.loc.gov/

Yehaw so much for cutting Medicade!http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050318/D88T4E1O0.html

This is a disgrace. How can we allow anyone to be deliberately
starved to death? Where is the religious right and their whole
"sanctity of life" platform now?
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050318/D88T1R182.html


Thanks to Erin for sending the Top Five Online Scams
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ttpcworld/20050310/tc_techtues_pcworld/119941

Thanks to Mike for the Zoom Quilt
Just cut and paste into browser . . . so COOL!

http://www.eviltree.de/zoomquilt/zoom.htm

In honor of the 75th anniversary of Mickey Mouse,
75 of his friends, including actors, athletes, musicians
and artists, have designed 75 six-foot statues that
reflect their unique interpretation of what Mickey
means to them. The statues have been touring the
country as part of an eighteen-month celebration.
At the conclusion of the tour, the statues will be
auctioned with 100% of the proceeds going to charity.
http://www.disney.com/mickey75

See them in a city near you
http://disney.go.com/inside/mickey75/tour.html

If you like free stuff this is a good place to find it:
http://www.freakyfreddies.com/free-stuff-sitemap.html

This site is a great place for motivation and has a place
to list 50 things you would like to do:
http://www.my50.co.uk/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be From New York If......

* You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that
this means Manhattan.
* You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the
Empire State Building.
* The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should
never be called anything like the Metro.
* Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
* You think Central Park is "nature."
* You pay more each month to park your car than most
people in the US pay on their mortgage.
* You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky
since you went away to camp as a kid.
* You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar
28 cents.
* You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.
* Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course,
you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
* America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
* You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born
with it.
* You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
* You don't hear sirens anymore.
* You live in a building with a larger population than most
American towns.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is
ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself,
"I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you
give up a fourth of your love life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer
will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good
omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make
the difficult putt and says, "OK.", then sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could
only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it
be worth another fourth of love life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

They are down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another
eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to
his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up all of your
love life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." and makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with
you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and
from now on you will have no love life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father
O'Malley."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some leftover St Paddy jokes:
Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden
house. Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails
and throwing away every second and third.

”What's wrong with the nails?” he asked.

”Sure the heads are at the wrong end.”

”Can't you see they are for the other side of the house!”

* * * * * * * * * *

Paddy was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with
a sign saying 10 foot max. clearance. He slowed down
wondering if he could drive under it or not. “A shure
I'll give it a go”, he thought only to find that his lorry
got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat,
poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman
arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door
which Paddy then opened, “what do you think you are
doing?”, asked the policeman in a sharp tone, “Sure I'm
having me tea break”, replied Paddy, “And what do you
work at?” asked the policeman, “Agh shure I deliver
bridges”, smiled Paddy!

* * * * * * * * * *

O'Connell was staggering home with a small bottle in his
back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling
to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


* * * * * * * * * *

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture
on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was
the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the
case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now
don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice
sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub! "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers
and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed
colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and
recipes. One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions
on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites.
"I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but
how do you make them orange?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works
much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."
~~Maxine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"No man is an Ireland." ~~Chicago Mayor Richard Daley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Early today Michael Jackson met with his priest - not
for spiritual advice, they went on a double date."
~~Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
~~ Salvor Hardin in one of the "Foundation" books
by Isaac Asimov

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird.
You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four
hours later in a totally different room. Just like college."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this one:
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly
check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare
month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac
daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but
he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals
will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her
overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some late St Patrick's Day jokes from Sheila:
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after
martini, each time removing the olives and placing them
in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the
drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for
a jar of olives!"

> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around
the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped
for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then seesan empty wine bottle on
the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have ya been drinkin'?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"

> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching
the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk
into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see
a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman
said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to
temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which
led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here." says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing." says Sean, "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole,
and it says here that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to
be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker and exclaims, "Miles, fromDublin."

> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs
a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits there. Finally,
the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper
on this side either."

> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.He says, "So what's
bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he
have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for these reminders on "what not to say
to a cop."
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up
with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me
a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around... That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this list of Who Reads What
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run
the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they
run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they
should run the country and who are very good at crossword
puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to
run the country but don't really understand The New York
Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie
charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't
mind running the country -- if they could find the time --
and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used
to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you
very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too
sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as
they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's
running the country as long as they do something really
scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running
another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't
sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional
exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist
atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any
other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are
not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at
the grocery store.

12. None of these are read by the guy who IS running the
country into the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these observations:

We're in more trouble than I imagined!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was north because, he explained, he
didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east,
(and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh,
I don't keep up with that stuff.". . . . . . She also votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what
hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number
you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." . . . . . .
He also votes!.

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about
the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She
drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get
sunburned because the car was moving." . . . . . . She also votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
. . . . . My sister also votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount
. . . . . He also votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose
ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned
her head?"

I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance
apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . .
My friend also votes!

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub
place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches
was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the
first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical
look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both
listed with the same price on the menu?"

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."
. . . . . The clerk also votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
. . . . . She also votes!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Thanks and have a great week!