Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 18

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 18 May 14, 2005

Wow, finally back from DC and getting organized again! I
have posted comments on my travels in and around West
Chester, but I still need to work on the DC portion of my
trip. All I can say is I'm glad to take some time away and
then glad to come back home again . If you are interested
in these or any of the other places I visit, go to:
http://blues-baby-rants.blogspot.com/

Sheila sent me to this site that claims to "fight discrimination
with facts, humor and fake fur". There are some amusing
posters to download and while this may be true, it's also
a place to sell their books, T-shirts, slides, and other items.
http://www.guerrillagirls.com/

I think these options are for the better in the fight against
discrimination: shop at these sites of women working on
the web provided by Soapbox Girls
http://www.soapboxgirls.com/buyersguide/index.html#other

Or better yet get involved with women in politics
http://www.ipu.org/bdf-e/BDFsearch.asp
http://www.libr.org/wss/WSSLinks/politics.html


Canadian site for women in politics
http://polisci.nelson.com/women.html

And if you are convinced that women in the US are among
the downtrodden see what goes on elsewhere
http://www.onlinewomeninpolitics.org/
http://www.idea.int/gender/index.cfm

This brand new site features dozens of name-brand bloggers,
as well as news coverage.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

The soup nazi of Seinfield fame to offer soup in grocery
stores and restaurants soon
http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/22/smbusiness/soup_man/
http://www.originalsoupman.com/

Since digital cameras are so popular there are more and more
photo blogs and sites with photos as commentary:
http://www.treemeat.com/archive.php

Short comment from me: if you have pics stored on your PC,
have you backed them up to disk? or online? Try:

http://www.ofoto.com
http://www.shutterfly.com
http://www.snapfish.com

http://www.freewebspace.net/guide/diskstorage.shtml
http://www.all-the-free-space.com/
http://www.emailaddresses.com/email_storage.htm
http://www.andromeda.com/people/ddyer/photo/albums.html

Great photos and photo tips here:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/jasonspace/Blog/cns!1pz8CKSZOwOZvi0adDLZDKZA!641.entry

Found that site here
http://whatsyourstory.msn.com/
where they feature sites from MSN Spaces

I also enjoyed this site by Jerry a pilot in Iraq.
http://spaces.msn.com/members/Freedom4allofus/

And this one with tips on dog training and Trick of the Week
http://spaces.msn.com/members/flamingeagle/

A Strange Ride Through Disney Theme Parks
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/WolfFiles/story?id=236498&page=1

More Disney News as the 50th Celebration Starts
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/popup?id=721390 Pics
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/popup?id=721403 Quiz
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/business/orl-bizdisneycelebration04050405may04,1,7909351.story?coll=orl-business-headlines&ctrack=1&cset=true
http://www.disneylandreport.com/disneynews/050502disneyland50thanniversaryhappiesthomecomingonearth.html
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/business/orl-bizclarke04050405may04,1,5623494.column?coll=orl-business-headlines&ctrack=2&cset=true

Play games online
http://www.playnestegg.com/
http://www.leedungarees.com/games/hangman/
http://www.buddyleerocks.com/crowdcontrol/crowd_control.html
http://www.lookandfeel.com/portfolio/games/pantsofchance/
http://www.123games.dk/game/puzzle/rainman/rainman_eng.htm

List of weird town names
http://amusingfacts.com/weirdtowns/

You've heard of shareware, now comes "toyware". You
can use these fonts free for non commercial purposes,
but for commercial use, payment must be made in the
form of either a toy or (to make it easier) an item from
his Amazon wishlist.
http://www.robotjohnny.com/fonts/

A resource for the lovers of mystery, suspense, and
intrigue books. They have hundreds of authors, with
complete, chronological lists of their books, and links
to other mystery, fantasy, and sci fi sites.
http://www.stopyourekillingme.com/index.html

Smallest, Coolest Apartment Contest
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/main/archives/cat_all_smallest_coolest_apartments.html

Award winning liberal politics blog with links to more
http://www.bigbrassblog.com/

One of my favorite authors with her sleuth Goldy Schultz
who is a caterer by trade and finds herself all to often right
in the middle of a mess (not the cooking kind). She solves
the mystery and provides some great recipes in every book.
Some "test" recipes are available if you join her cooking club.
http://www.dianemottdavidson.com/about.html

"Best selling author and illustrator Trevor Romain sees
himself as Monty Python meets Dr. Seuss at Jerry
Seinfeld's house in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood."
http://www.trevorromain.com/

However his blog is more of the day to day drawings
and musings on life and those around him including his
14 year old writing partner who is dying of cancer.
http://www.trevorromain.com/blog/

The doodles and comments of a web designer
http://www.ultramicroscopic.com/index.html

Rather a profound entry for a blog
http://www.tumbledry.org/archives/issue/435/
and here
http://www.tumbledry.org/inspiration/

These folks are after my own heart and describe
their blog as "an eclectic collection of links on a
universe of subjects. . . a scrapbook of things we
find interesting." And I love the title!
http://spaces.msn.com/members/anyfoolcanblog/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes
a lot of sense. There isn't a whole lot worth paying
attention to in this country." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I suppose it would be nice if reincarnation were a reality,
but I have problems with the math. At some point,
originally, there must have been a time when there were
only two human beings. They both died, and presumably
their souls were reincarnated into two other bodies. But
that still leaves us with only two souls. We now have
nearly six billion people on the planet. Where are all the
extra souls coming from? Is someone printing up souls?
Wouldn't that tend to lower their value?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Short History of Medicine
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this
potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore.
Here, eat this root.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that
occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized
it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally
becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries,
washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the
onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything
up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short
so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in
a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36
hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and
say "focus, ...breath...push..."

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed
to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a
convenience store to go with a half pound bag of
peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a
football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall,
occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half
an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to
create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black
hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime
soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance
the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only
a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning,
"to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun
meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient
for dating, marriage and children.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. It
comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come
off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you
have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and
romance, but consider yourself lucky to get card.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Real Definitions

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's
to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries
to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put
together kitchen cabinets

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when
his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the
top of the Eiffel Tower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from
in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store
does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works
on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a
government official

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush,
a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful
looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the
train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable
sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel,
Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch
me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat
lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his
hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde
and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon
so I can smack Clinton again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in
one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically.
"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready
in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather
than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit
is still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music
Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten
minutes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went
to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad
said that men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have
to parallel park?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a Mama lion, a Daddy lion & a Baby lion. The
mama lion & the daddy lion were having a lot of fights so
they decided to get a divorce. The lion family goes in front
of a judge to decide custody of the baby lion.

The judge asks the baby lion "Do you wanna live with mama
lion?"

The baby lion answers "No, mama lion beats me."

The judge said "Alright, do you wanna live with daddy lion?"

The baby lion answers "No, daddy lion beats me worse."

The judge asks "who do you wanna live with then?"

The baby answers "The Detroit Lions, they don't beat
anybody."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Tech Support Fee Schedule

Calling me with a question --- $10

Calling me with a stupid question -- $20

Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite
articulate - $30

Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret
your inarticulate problem description - $1000 +
punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help
desk - $10.00

Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00

Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it
once - $100

Insisting that you're not breaking the software, that the
problem is on my end somehow - $200

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the
problem - $5/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem -
$50/mile + gas

If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix
somebody else's problem - $45/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that
I'm currently working on - $70/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you just
yesterday - $75/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed
yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr

If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that
didn't work - $95/hr

If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the
room who could have done it for you - $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then
leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500

Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office
is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being
there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in
the office knows anything about it. - $1700

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE
mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to
do - $150.00

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs
I told you not to do - $300.00

Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive
- $50.00

-- AFTER I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00

Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00

Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad
90 degrees - $35.00

Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00

Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge -
$35.00

Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button -
$250.00

Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk
back on - $200.00

Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet
transceiver back in - $375.00

Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the
SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday
afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two
week vacation - $400

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by
plugging the monitor lead back in - $50

Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you
don't have an account there - $10

Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine
you used to have an account on because you used it to try
to break into the above server - $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your
index finger - $25

Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50

Installing programs without informing me /getting permission
first - $100 per program

Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour
(regardless of whether I know the program or not)

Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap
plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the
system

Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file
is left unclaimed

Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities
v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog
through NYC streets - $50

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem
is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to
hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up
on my screen was telling me to do!" - $400

Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you
check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing
yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug
type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish,
"Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)

Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated
software - $25

Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously
pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45

Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk
to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the
box in which you bought it?" line - $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you
failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95

Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface
larger than 18 points - $15

If I wrote the sign - $45

If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor
facing the door - $75

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets
to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/
Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00

Reporting it more than once - $50.00

Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on
tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

Beeper Prices:
Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50

Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure
that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had
been run on all machines before I left - $100

Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's
offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200

Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per
beep

Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first
5 seconds - $25

Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you
placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the
problem - $500

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odor - $75.00/hour

Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language
spoken at site - $50.00/hour

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than
you are, but still calls every other day for help -
$100.00/hour

Dealing with computer hobbyists - $125.00/hour

Questioning the other prices -- $50

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for these 30 Lines to Make you Smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-
spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be
When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries
With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already
taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're
paying for. ~~Will Rogers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her third grade class, "What do you want
out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I
want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom
always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the
garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A priest is walking down the street one day when he
notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a
house across the street. However, the boy is very small
and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across
the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his
hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and firmly
rings the doorbell.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This will warm your heart.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone
who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida,
forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the
lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This
story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you
know who might need a lift today:

"Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Safety HarborAssisted Home for the Aged. All of my family
has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know
that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your
kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but
before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers,
even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off
the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful
and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
" If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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