Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 15

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 15 April 18, 2005


Lots of kid friendly sites this time but plenty of new game
sites for all of us as well. Just scroll down to find them.

Six weeks after being released from federal prison,
Martha Stewart has reached a deal with Sirius Satellite
Radio Inc. to create a 24-hour channel featuring cooking,
gardening and entertaining programming for women.
http://beta.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050418/ap_en_bu/sirius_martha_stewart_6

Check out the new Yahoo news site
http://beta.news.yahoo.com/

Computer files containing 310,000 people breached at
Lexisnexis (which specializes in legal and business info.)
Rival data broker ChoicePoint Inc. announced last month
that the personal information of 145,000 Americans was
compromised and at least 750 people were defrauded.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050412/D89E4KI80.html

And more of the same at Polo Ralph Lauren.
http://apnews.excite.com/article/20050415/D89FJL101.html

Looks like the US has a few less criminals on the streets:
http://apnews.excite.com/article/20050415/D89FITT00.html

Redrawing ancient civilizations from papayrus
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_technology/story.jsp?story=630165

Two volcanos errupted this week
http://www.volcanolive.com/volcanolive.html

McDonald's turned 50 this week
http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/14/news/fortune500/mcdonalds_anniversary/index.htm?section=money_latest

More lawsuits against downloaders http://financialtimes.printthis.clickability.com/pt/cpt?action=cpt&title=FT.com+%2F+Industries+%2F+Media+%26+internet+-+Lawsuits+target+online+music+pirates&expire=&urlID=13868717&fb=Y&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.ft.com%2Fcms%2Fs%2Fccbe25a8-ab34-11d9-893c-00000e2511c8%2Cft_acl%3D%2Cs01%3D1.html&partnerID=1744

Bush stamps as art, probed by Secret Service
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050413/ap_on_re_us/secret_service_exhibit_5

Just in case you wondered, Viagra can be Kosher
for Passover
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/15/international/middleeast/15viagra.html?ex=1113796800&en=6a7654f84a44a789&ei=5070

Road sign goofs and other road info
http://www.millenniumhwy.net/roads.html

Central Minnesota Ghostbusters???
http://community-2.webtv.net/Central_Minnesota_Ghostbusters/CentralMinnesota/index.html

Too funny! Most of us have been here!
http://csbd.org/~jason/blockme.swf

Prepare to laugh
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/fartingcat.html

More great animations at:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/cartoons.shtml

Flash movies and animations
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/

This game of balancing a tray of food while everything
but the kitchen sink comes down at you is a challenge.
To play click here or paste this link into your browser: http://www.123games.dk/game/other/snackattack/snackattack_eng.php

Actually there are all kinds of games here
http://www.123games.dk/

Name that tune (if you don't like the music, change the
band - I played B B King and didn't do too badly)
http://www.scenta.co.uk/gamescenta/site/whatsthatsong.cfm

Scroll down to play Invaders Note Pad Style
http://robmanuel.blogspot.com/2005/02/notepad-invaders.html

Hehehe music by Vikingsix "Gay Bar"
http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/

More at http://www.rathergood.com/




Been a while since I listed kid safe sites
http://www.funbrain.com/kidscenter.html
http://www.lego.com/eng/Default.aspx
http://www.nick.com/
http://www.crayola.com/
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/Home.html
http://www.surfnetkids.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/
http://www.sesameworkshop.org/
http://www.worldvillage.com/kidz/
http://www.newzoorevue.com/links.html
http://www.safesurf.com/safesurfing/
http://www.nanaellen.com/kidlink.htm
http://guides.msn.com/family/parentspreschoolers.armx
http://www.football-linx.com/kidsafe.htm
http://www.genaustin.org/public/
http://ktoon.4-evercards.com/main.html


Major news sources
http://news.yahoo.com/
http://news.google.com/nwshp?hl=en&ned=us
http://news.myway.com/index/id/home.html
http://channels.netscape.com/ns/news/default.jsp?floc=ne-main-3-l1
http://www.drudgereport.com/
http://www.womensenews.org/index.cfm


Amplestuff is a unique company which serves the needs
of people who are plus or supersize. Not a clothing store
they offer things like hangers in a larger size, fanny packs,
and folding chairs made to hold a larger person.
http://www.amplestuff.com/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are only two places in the world: over here and
over there. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't give a hoot. Not since 1959. That was the last
one I gave . Wait! I think I gave a hoot in 1967. Just
one. As a favor to a friend. But that was it. I'm not
even sure I have any left. Frankly, I'd be afraid to look.
I think I'm all out of hoots. If you want one, you're
gonna have to find it on your own. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a kid I used to think it was all the same
clouds that kept coming by. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While working on a lesson in world religions, a teacher
asked her students to bring something related to their
family's faith to class. At the appropriate time, she asked
the students to come forward and share with the rest of
the students.

The first child said, "I am Muslim, and this is my prayer
rug."

The second child said, "I am Jewish, and this is the Star
of David."

The third child said, "I am Catholic, and this is my rosary."

The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist, and this is
my casserole dish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio
over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,
so the snow plows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later
while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next
week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow
today. You must park..." Then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her
face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side
of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get
through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men
who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why
don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Black.
"Miss Black, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The
frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty then
explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as
collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean,
what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a
knickknack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan. His old
man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned,
I know you did!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may
ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that
needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were
on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float a while.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God,
there's always a rainbow waiting.
My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted
God to bless and I picked you. Please pass this to people
you want to be blessed. Give it! Don't just get it. Most people
walk in and out of your life......
but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The year is 2029..
*Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formally known as California.
*White minorities still trying to have English recognized
as Mexifornia's third language.
*Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.
*Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped.
*Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual
marriage.
*Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
*Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
*France pleads for global help after being overtaken by
Jamaica.
*Castro finally dies at age 112.
*Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President
Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking
*George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
*Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89
and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
*An 85-year, $75.8 billion study says diet and exercise
are the keys to weight loss.
*Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
*Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a
fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman
with her mouth shut.
*Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
*Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
their civil rights.
*Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven.
*New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw
drivers, flyswatters, and rolled-up newspapers must
be registered by January 2036.
*Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal
political contributions to campaign accounts.
*Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex
with congressman.
*IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
*Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting
machine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-
Mart is a store where women can go and choose a
husband from among many men. The store is composed
of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes
as the shopper ascends the flight of stairs. There is,
however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you
may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a
floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the
building.

So, this woman goes to the shopping center to find a hus-
band. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the
sign and says to herself, "Well, that is better than my
last boyfriend, but I wonder what is further up?"

So up she goes. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman
remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?"

And up she goes. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are
extremely good looking. "Hmm, better," she says. "But
I wonder what's upstairs?"

Up she goes. The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good
looking and help with the housework. "Wow!", exclaims
the woman, "very tempting. But, there must be more
further up!"

And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor
sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and
have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just
think... what must be awaiting for me on the sixth floor?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor1,260,459,789,015 to this
floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I love spring in New York City. Spring is in the air,
also carbon monoxide, lead, zinc..." --Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Someone gave President Bush an iPod and President
Bush asked 'where can I get one for the other eye?'"
~~ Craig Ferguson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


SIGNS THAT LEAD TO MISUNDERSTANDING
In a restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER
STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE
TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAIN
BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW
IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU
HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these:
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and
spotted the mostbeautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and
walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward
to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little burst of flatulence escaped her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to
see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing
behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he
greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help
you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting
as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and
asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very
sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are
gonna shit when you hear the price.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was written by an 8-year old named Danny Dutton,
who lives in ChulaVista, CA. He wrote it for his third
grade homework assignment. The assignment was to
explain God.

EXPLANATION OF GOD
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them
to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people
to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups,
just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to
make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable
time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that
to mothers and fathers."

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An
awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers
and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have
time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he
hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his
ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off."

"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere
which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his
time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for
something they said you couldn't have."

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think
there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who
come to our church."

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like
walking on water and performing miracles and trying to
teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They
finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified
him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told
his father that they didn't know what they were doing and
to forgive them and God said O.K."

"His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done
and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have
to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So
he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers
and seeing things which are important for God to take care
of and which ones he can take care of himself without having
to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help
you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty
all the time."

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes
God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy,
it's God. Don't skip church or do something you think will be
more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides
the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you
will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere
with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's
around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't
swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."

"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for
you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime
he pleases. And...that's why I believe in God."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy
when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an
hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds
crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should
try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months
later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks
Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, " I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually
gotten smaller!-- I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day
with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco's
shortening!..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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