Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 14

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 14 April 11, 2005


What a beautiful weekend we had! The weather was
supposed to be rainy today but that sun just keeps
shining. I have discovered that it's anywhere from
8-12 degrees warmer here in spring than it was living
next to Lake Michigan so I am headed out for a walk
when I am done here.

Make sure to read this article on the latest email scam.
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1620&ncid=738&e=10&u=/sv/20050409/tc_sv/emailscamdirectsuserstoboguswindowsupdate
Thanks to Erin for sending this website that provides
information on how low-income individuals can get
meds for free:
http://www.needymeds.com/

I usually use Mapquest but recently added this to my
list of essential links since the maps are easy to read:
http://maps.google.com/maps

Our farmers market opened this weekend.
To find one near you:
http://www.ams.usda.gov/farmersmarkets/map.htm

Wisconsin Farmers Markets
http://www.reapfoodgroup.org/atlas/farmers_markets.htm

The original Los Angeles Farmers Market
http://www.farmersmarketla.com/

UK Farmers Markets
http://www.farmersmarkets.net/visit/

If you can't make it to a farmers market you can try to buy
fresh produce, specialty foods, and other products online:
http://www.farmersmarketonline.com/

MMMMMMM over 500 recipes for ice cream
http://www.astray.com/recipes/?search=ice+cream

For the science buffs, radio broadcasts from the BBC with
young scientists of many descriptions most of whom have
advanced degrees. Archives of the shows can be streamed
from the website. Articles with resources are on topics
the kids may be asking about one of these days.
http://www.thenakedscientists.com/

Amazing sidewalk art here:
http://gprime.net/images/sidewalkchalkguy/

Great puzzle game here just click, drag and drop pieces
http://homokaasu.org/gasgames/getgame.gas?27

If you need a slower paced game try this one from
Johnsonville (there are several games here)
http://www.johnsonville.com/siteconf.nsf/Lkp/catchgame.html

Pretty funny stuff here.
http://www.glumbert.com/

Very cool . . . Local Wisconsin art, music, dance, classes,
events, grants, fellowships, conferences, jobs, and
residencies. Virtually all art forms are represented
here. Check it out:
http://portalwisconsin.org/

Great Wisconsin Travel Site with events, places to stay,
places to eat, indoor attractions, packages and deals,
guide books, virtual tours, even a just for kids section
http://www.travelwisconsin.com/index.htm

By the way Chocolate Festival is early this year and
a whole 5 days long this year (Memorial weekend)
http://www.chocolatefest.com/location.html

Reviews, articles, recipes and more:
http://www.thenewhomemaker.com/home

Have you seen the revolutionary new alarm clock?
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050408/2005-04-08T123736Z_01_N07717994_RTRIDST_0_ODD-ODD-ALARMCLOCK-DC.html

Did you know there are alarm clocks that shake the bed?
http://www.activeandable.com/catalog/15

Does this mean gas is going down?
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050407/ap_on_bi_ge/oil_prices_75

I always said you had to be a little "off" to play in the NFL
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=487&e=1&u=/ap/fbn_siegfried___roy_shooting

Look who's going to be calling in China:
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050408/2005-04-08T124002Z_01_PEK212082_RTRIDST_0_ODD-CHINA-AVON-DC.html

2 new suffixes to be used online
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050409/D89BIMRG0.html

If you missed the eclipse you'll have to wait till 2012 to see
another in the US.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050409/D89BV8V80.html


How much caffine does it have? The answers:
http://deskpotato.lekei.ca/dpcaff.html

Convicted spammer sentenced to 9 years.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050409/D89BI7SO0.html

Many of us are trying to eat more healthy foods and/or
reduce carbs so this recipe site may come as a happy
suprise. Oh go ahead they have yummy recipes here:
http://vgs.diabetes.org/recipe/index.jsp

Has anyone gotten a free ipod?
http://www.freeipods.com/Default.aspx?N=1&P=187

Did you know illegal immigrants pay in but never get
it back? What's happening to the money?
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/05/business/05immigration.html?ei=5070&en=80eed4b5c4d3e201&ex=1112932800&adxnnl=0&adxnnlx=1112889813-KkktZdgu9Y/z4r1LbiLb6w&pagewanted=print&position=

Paris on the frugal side. OK I understand budgets but
staying in a hospital?
http://travel2.nytimes.com/2005/04/10/travel/10frugal.html?ex=1113278400&en=b0d7f05163d70f70&ei=5070

MMMMMM Maple syrup time
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/10/magazine/10FOOD.html

With all the fancy schmancy video products out there
came all the lingo. Here they help define the terms used
when discussing projection TV's
http://www.goodguys.com/sony/projectiontvs.asp

Brand new hub for sci fi fans
http://scifihub.clicdev.com/f/

One of our readers was not happy with some of my
more political statements so I was forced to search
out a few reasons online for my feelings.

Our allies just have to listen as he opens his mouth
http://www.bushisms.com/

The Unions hate him
http://www.aflcio.org/bushwatch/

124 reasons Bush must go
http://www.radioleft.com/article.php?sid=440

On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blonde to a darker haired friend, "I'm trying to count
to 5 and I can't remember what comes after 7."

"If you're just counting to 5, nothing comes after 7."

Blonde, "Gee, I thought for sure you'd know!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: you can park in the handicap zone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do blondes have more fun ?
A: They're easier to keep amused.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some
trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and
asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but
why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation
and get the top of the line model. This chainsaw will cut
a hundred cords of wood for you in a day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working
on the trees. After cutting for several hours, only cutting
two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks something is wrong
with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and cut only
two cords?" the man asks himself. "I'll begin first thing in
the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So the next morning the man gets up at 4 am and cuts and
cuts, and cuts till nightfall and still he only manages to cut
five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The
dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a
day, no problem. I'll take this saw back to the dealer, " the
man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the
dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by
the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The
dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man
responds, "What's that noise?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman
walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and
quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman
if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the
woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of
small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat
silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying
every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle
of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,
"Good trade."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was soo blonde that .......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box
because it said "concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted
to make up her mind.
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~she studied for a blood test.
~she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
~ she missed the 44 bus, so she took the 22 bus twice.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that
said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You might be redneck, if your fly-swatter doubles as
your back scratcher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly',
meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood
sucking parasites'~~Larry Hardiman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words of Wisdom

*When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by
your own taste.

*Never refuse a breath mint when offered.

*If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other
person.

*When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

*Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

*Work is good, but it's not that important.

*Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

*Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

*If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What are the two main political parties in Canada?
A: Moose and Squirrel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
One, but it takes five sessions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts to Ponder:

* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an
"s" in it?

* Since light travels faster than sound...isn't that why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come abbreviated is such a long word?

* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when
you know the battery is dead?

* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals
throw hamburgers?

* Why do people without a watch look at their wrist
when you ask them what time it is?

* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee"
on money they already know you don't have?

* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see
it, do the other trees make fun of it?

* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

* Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar
is open, it's not adoor?

* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has
to touch it.

* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

* Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get
rid of?

* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when
we use them?

* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments
in a suitcase?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?

* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me,
it would defeat the purpose.

* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

* Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

* Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part
shut?

* War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

* Do Roman Paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?

* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened,
small stain.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

* Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.

* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets
pretty crowded.

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* Black holes are where God divided by zero.

* What's another word for "thesaurus"?

* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask if I'm leaving.

* When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the
backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

* I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do
anything. Every once in awhile I turn it on and off.
One day I got a call from a woman in France who said,
"Cut it out!"

* I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

* My driver's license photo got taken out of focus and
I left it that way on purpose. Now when I get pulled
over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly) ...and says, "Here, you can go."

* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy
anything specific.

* I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went
back in time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computers

Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at
a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice,
intermediate and expert.

Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing
a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users: People who don't know how to fix
their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users: People who break other people's computers.

Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's
released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that
group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses,
played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek
episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly"
software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Default Directory: Black hole. Default directory is where
all files that you need disappear to.

Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers
to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable
name (It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file
cabinet--except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet
gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is
unknown.).

Help: The feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to
navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where
they started from without learning anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sign in tourist shop window:
SORRY WE'RE CLOSED
PLEASE SHOVE MONEY UNDER DOOR

Sign at a traffic court:
DON'T COMPLAIN JUST THINK OF ALL THE
TICKETS YOU DESERVED BUT DIDN'T GET!

Sign in a restaurant:
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS

Sign in a men's clothing store:
15 MEN'S WOOL SUITS $10.
THEY WON'T LAST AN HOUR!

Sign in a shop window:
OUR MOTTO IS TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS
THE LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES AND
WORKMANSHIP

Sign on an Electrician's truck:
LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS

Sign outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
BEST PLACE IN TOWN TO TAKE A LEAK

Sign in a Non-smoking area:
IF WE SEE YOU SMOKING
WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE
AND TAKE THE APPROPRIATE ACTION

Sign on Maternity Room door:
PUSH, PUSH, PUSH

Sign on a scientist's door:
GONE FISSION

Sign in a Podiatrist's window:
TIME WOUNDS ALL HEALS

Sign at a Used Car Lot:
SECOND HAND CARS
IN FIRST CRASH CONDITION

Sign at a Car Dealership:
THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET --
MISS A CAR PAYMENT

Sign outside a Muffler Shop:
NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY.
WE'LL HEAR YOU COMING

Sign at an Auto Body Shop:
MAY WE HAVE THE NEXT DENTS?

Sign at a Dry Cleaners:
DROP YOUR PANTS HERE

Sign on a Music Teacher's door:
OUT CHOPIN

Sign in a Beauty Shop:
DYE NOW!

Sign on the side of a Garbage Truck:
WE'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES
TO TAKE WHAT YOU'VE GOT

Sign on the door of a Computer Store:
OUT FOR A QUICK BYTE

Sign in a Restaurant Window:
DON'T STAND THERE AND BE HUNGRY;
COME IN AND GET FED UP

Sign inside a Bowling Alley:
PLEASE BE QUIET.
WE NEED TO HEAR A PIN DROP.

Sign in a Cafeteria:
SHOES ARE REQUIRED TO EAT IN THE CAEFTERIA.
SOCKS CAN EAT ANYPLACE THEY WANT

Sign on the door of a Music Library:
BACK IN A MINUET

Sign in front of a Funeral Home:
DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.

Sign in a Counselor's office:
GROWING OLD IS MANDATORY.
GROWING WISE IS OPTIONAL

Sign at a gas station:
WE WILL NOT SELL GAS TO
ANYONE IN A GLASS CONTAINER.

Sign at a loan company:
ASK US ABOUT OUR PLANS
FOR OWNING YOUR HOME

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.
NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Sign on a front door:
EVERYONE ON THE PREMISES IS A
VEGETARIAN EXCEPT THE DOG

Sign at an Optometrist's Office:
IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR,
YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

Sign in a Taxidermist's window:
WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF

Sign in a Butcher's window:
LET ME MEAT YOUR NEEDS

Sign on another Butcher's window:
PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

Sign in a veterinarian's office:
ALL CHILDREN LEFT UNATTENDED
WILL BE GIVEN A FREE KITTEN!

Sign on a Fence:
SALESMEN WELCOME.
DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE.

Notice in a Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES. SIT! STAY!

Sign in a gas station:
COKE -- 49 CENTS. TWO FOR A DOLLAR

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,
and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his
speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to
try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies
that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well
yeah, is that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies"?

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost
always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket
after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are
you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back
to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies
though."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be
aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head
is alive and about to bite off your ear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BAD AMERICAN By: George Carlin
I am your worst nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am
George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family,
not some medieval governmental functionary with a bad
comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts
squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne,
Ice-T or Marilyn Manson ever sang.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better
do it in English!

I don't use the excuse "It's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more
enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your
parents are footing the bill to put you through 4-7 years of
college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpson's and whoever
canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't want to waste time
arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts
now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave. I didn't wander 40
years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't
burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and
neither have you, so shut up.

I think cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're
running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your
ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color
you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, then
I don't want you deciding who should be running the most
powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I hate those idiots standing in the intersections trying to sell
me crap or trying to guilt me into making '"donations" to their
cause. These people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your
license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride
the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes
two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how
desperately the mainstream media would like the world
to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a Bad American, then yes, I'm a Bad
American. If you, too, are a Bad American, please forward
this to everyone you know. We need OUR COUNTRY BACK!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for these bits of trivia:
*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
*A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
*A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
*A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
*A snail can sleep for three years.
*Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture
dealer.
*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
*Almonds are a member of the peach family.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
*Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age! .
*Butterflies taste with their feet.
*Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only
have about 10.
*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
*February 1865 is the only month in recorded history
not to have a full moon.
*In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been
domesticated.
*If the population of China walked past you, in single
file, the line would never end because of the rate of
reproduction.
*If you are an average American, in your whole life, you
will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
*It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
*Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
*Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
*No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple.
*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our
nose and ears never stop growing.
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
*"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the
left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
*The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
*The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns. (i.e. 10,560 gals per mile;
1,056,000 per hundred miles)
*The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
*The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy
dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
*The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze
completely solid.
*The words 'radar', 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the
same whether they are read left to right or right to left
(palindromes).
*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
*There are more chickens than people in the world.
*There are only four words in the English language which
end in "dous":> tremendous, horrendous, stupendous,
and hazardous
*There are two words in the English language that
have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
*There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables
Vitamins.
*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
*TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during
a dance.
*Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
*Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus
every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself
..............Now you know everything

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that
I take her out to some place expensive . . . . .

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when
one said, "Where Did you get such a great bike?" The
second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,
the glass Is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is
twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The
engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must
have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed
in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's
with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't
they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime." The group was silent for
a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I
will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor
said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these
guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build
weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does
it work?" The Graduate with an Engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
graduate withan Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a Mechanical Engineer ." Just look
at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an Electrical
Engineer. The nervous system has many thousands
of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually
it was a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix
it. " Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't
have enough features yet."

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a
mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his
wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because the passion and mystery he found
there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah.
If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you
can go to the lab and get some work done".

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into
a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog
and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at
it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again
the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I, _________________________ (fill in blank),
being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept
alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit
up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that
I won't ever get better.When such a determination is
reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes
and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-
support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay
attention instead to the health, education and future
of the millions of Americans who aren't in a
permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt
into this case.

I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're
trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in
2008, it is my wish that they play politics with
someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send
e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care
about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly
haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on
my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns
my case into apolitical cause, I hereby promise to come
back from the grave and make his or her existence a
living hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More from Mike:
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate
when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi,
crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and
sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world
was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He
dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,'
said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need,
but let me show you this dog.' They walk over to the
splattered remains of the dog.'Do you think you could bring
this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like?'

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman
called Diana,' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first
photo but, I love this woman called Camilla,' and he showed
the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at
all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Erin for this one:
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit
Eve."So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything
is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts
you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two
out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches, and snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve. Eve went on to tell God
that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such
as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two
breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced",
as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God. "It was my first attempt at
this, you know. I gave many of the animals six breasts, so I
figured that you needed only half of those. But, I see that you
are right. I will fix it up right away."And God reached down,
removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the
Garden of Eden."Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your
part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a
ram, and the cow has her bull. All of the animals have a mate.
I don't, and I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment, and said, "You know, Eve, you are
right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate,
and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now
let's see ... where did I put that useless boob?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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