Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 16

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 16 April 25, 2005


Wow what a week! We had the market bouncing
up and down like a rubber ball, a new pope elected
without too much trouble, and the one lone person
finally convicted in a U.S. court for the devastation
of September 11, 2001:
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/ns/news/story.jsp?id=2005042220140001362357&dt=20050422201400&w=APO&coview=

In honor of Earth Day:
Freecycle offers community-based forums where
people give (and get) stuff for, well, free.
http://www.freecycle.org

Under the category of they lied to us again (and got
caught) it's not as risky to be overweight as they
claimed all this time.
http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/nation/3142605

The week in pictures from the BBC:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/4473579.stm

Wynn to open his latest and greatest casino/resort
this week in Las Vegas:
http://www.lasvegassun.com/drudged/518626651.html

Did you ever wonder what plants are poisonous
to your cat? As spring is planting season it's
time to get a handle on that.
http://www.cfainc.org/articles/plants.html

WOW what great LEGO projects . . .
http://www.ericharshbarger.org/lego/index.html

Speaking of projects this site has interactive items
like lights (there were other items but they are not
working at this time) you can turn on or off. There
are also how to's but now he is renovating his new
house so there are multiple projects happening.
Check it out:
http://www.drivemeinsane.com

When I was a kid we did origami (the art of paper
folding). Here they have gone to new lengths with
Star Wars as the theme:
http://ftmax.com/Origami/

The most amazing collection of photos of cats dressed
up as motorcycle riders and cops, school children and
teachers, surfers, beatniks, and in both modern and
traditional clothes.
http://members.shaw.ca/pelorian/index.html

Speaking of photos, now that I as so many others have
switched to digital cameras, just where do you store all
your pics so you can keep shooting on the go?
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/14/technology/circuits/14pogue.html?ex=1116216000&en=52ec8cf4b392602e&ei=5087

While you are ther you might want to peruse the "how
to's" and "How does it work" section here:
http://tech.nytimes.com/pages/technology/howtos/index.html

Video and computer game music of yesterday
http://www.ocremix.org/

Some people are simply here on earth to make us laugh.
http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/

Fabulous masks made from cardboard
http://www.ericstraw.com/

Have you seen Mean Kitty? Don't miss the advice
column for Mean Kitty and her typing slave. . . hehehe.
http://www.meankitty.com

Dialtones is a large-scale concert performance (26 Min)
whose sounds are produced by the dialing and ringing
of the audience's own mobile phones. CD available and
samples are downloads.
http://www.flong.com/telesymphony/

I think I'd rather listen to BB King
http://www.worldblues.com/bbking/default.asp

Or Steve Cropper
http://www.playitsteve.com/

Buy and sell textbooks or other stuff (like DVDs, Music, or
Computers), find jobs and internships, look through profiles,
and communicate with students or staff at your campus or
campuses across the nation.
http://www.campusgrind.com/


I have included this guide to offbeat tourist attractions.
http://www.roadsideamerica.com
Mike found these tips on grilling ribs there:
1. Rub your baby back ribs with you favorite dry rub and let
stand at room temperature for 1/2 hour. After they sit you'll
notice the rub turns into a paste.
2. Meanwhile set your Weber gas grill to MOM (Medium, Off,
Medium). Temperature should run around 325 degrees.
3. Place a smoker box full of your favorite wood chips on the
back of the grill. If you don't have a smoker box you can use
heavy duty aluminum foil. Wrap up the chips and poke holes
in the foil. I only do one smoking.
4. Put your ribs on a rib rack and place it in the center of the
grill over indirect heat. CLOSE COVER AND TRY NOT TO
PEEK (this is impossible to do so try not to peek too often as
you'll let out the heat). Cook for 1 1/2 hours.
5. Remove from grill and place on aluminum foil. Brush the
ribs with your favorite BBQ sauce. Wrap in the foil and place
in a brown paper bag and close it up. Let them sit at room
temperature for 1/2 hour. Trust me this is very important.
6. Remove from the bag and foil (yes they are still hot) and
enjoy the best ribs you have ever had.


OR Light your coals, let them turn white, divide them in half,
pushing them as far to both sides of the grill as possible with
a shallow drip pan between the piles of coal; then put your
prepared ribs in the center of the grill between the piles of
coal, bone side down, put the cover on the grill, go mow the
lawn, drink a beer, prep your sides (about 2 hours).
(My note: I’m guessing at some point more charcoal must
be added) Rake the coals back to the center of the grill,
sauce and finish directly over heat.


MIDI conversions from scanned player piano rolls
produced in the golden era of player piano music. Includes
a description of the scanning process.
http://members.shaw.ca/smythe/rebirth.htm


Free games to play online
http://www.jotto.com/bubblesoap/playground.html

Does an author really need a big publisher? Maybe not
is the answer these days as self publishing becomes more
affordable and more accepted:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/24/books/review/24GLAZERL.html?ex=1114574400&en=4cd176a99467631f&ei=5070

Weblogs everywhere
http://cardhouse.com/links/links.htm

This Yahoo site of the week talks about the many
uses quonset huts have been put to since WWII:
http://www.polarinertia.com/may04/quonset01.htm

This weblog has many more great photos here:
http://www.polarinertia.com/

Continuing to be amazed by the depth of what is on the
web, this website offers a selection of descriptions (with
some pics) of manuscripts from this private collection.
The whole collection of about 13,500 manuscripts and
inscribed objects, reside in London and Oslo (but about
650 are available on the present website).
http://www.nb.no/baser/schoyen/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Waffle iron? Why on earth would you want to iron a
waffle? Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares?
No, I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of
course should always be ironed." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I was surprised when I started getting old. I always
thought it was one of those things that would happen to
someone else." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Headlines From The Year 2050
*Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJR-
NabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges
*50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
*Baby Conceived Naturally
*It Wasn't the Cigarettes -- It Was the Ashtrays
*Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums
Overcame Lurid Past With US President
*Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
*Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
*Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome
young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams.
*Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC
*Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
*Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
*Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
*Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
*DC National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
*Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day
since 2005 and third-straight triple-digit loss for the
Dow Jones Industrial average. On the bright side, your
Social Security money isn't in there yet." --Amy Poehler

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sounds like a Republican to me . . .

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he
saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor
fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The
grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip,
set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later,
Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is
in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all-
powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does
it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you
idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An atheist became incensed over the display of Easter
and Passover items for sale and decided to contact his
lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists prior
to each holiday by merchants.

The case was brought before a wise judge who, after
listening to the long, passionate presentation of the
lawyer, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case
dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood, objected to the ruling and
said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case?
Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many
other observances. And the Jews - why, in addition to
Passover, they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah - yet my
client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply stated,
"Obviously, your client is too confused to know about or to
celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday
for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the
same date - April 1st!"

The fool says in his heart, "There is no God."
Psalm 14:1; Psalm 53:1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members
knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait
was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take
up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
a member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the
logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!!"
Y'all Hear......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some say a certain man (name of George) quit drinking
because of this incident...

Back in his party days, George got behind the wheel after
a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas.
He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost
face appeared in the window. George saw it and began
screaming at the top of his lungs.

He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in
the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110
mph but the face did not disappear. White hands gestured
for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to
do, he rolled it down slowly.

The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help
getting out of the mud?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done
everything, and the time had come to depart from this
world. After considering various methods of doing away
with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest
and surest method would be to shoot herself through the
heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly
where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked
him. He told her that her heart was located two inches
below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual
position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these
Scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE
have announced the discovery that affiliation with the
Republican Party is genetically determined. This has
caused uproar among traditionalists who believe it's a
chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political
conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of
quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves
through the medical, political and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that
Republicans' unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently
unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional
family dynamics -- a remarkably high percentage of
Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers
and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them
how to be kind and gentle.

Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is
inherited. "After all," said one author of the NURTURE
article, "it's quite common for a Republican to have a
brother or sister who is a Republican." The finding has
been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of
Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves
for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family
and unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped
her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. "I just
knew it was genetic," she said, seated with her two sons,
both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never freely
choose that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican
lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell, watching their
conventions in Houston and San Diego on TV: the flaming
xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone
not rich, you know."

Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from
an early age but did not confirm it until they were in
college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a
phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the
suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism
among siblings could result from their sharing not only
genes but also psychological and emotional attitudes as
products of the same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to
having voted Republican at least once -- or often dream
or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of
five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience,
although most outgrow teenage experimentation with
Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward
eliminating conservophobia. They argue that since
Republicans didn't "choose" their lifestyle any more than
someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't
be denied the civil rights that others enjoy.

If conservatism isn't the result of stinginess or orneriness
(typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is
something Republicans can't help, there's no reason why
society shouldn't tolerate them in the military -- or even
high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their
political beliefs.

For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a
different future. In a few years, gene therapy might
eradicate Republicanism altogether.

But should they be allowed to marry?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This truly puts a Billion in perspective!!!............

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion,"
casually, think about whether you want the politician
spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one
advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure
into perspective in one of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1964.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the
Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.

A billion dollars ago was only 4 hours and 10 minutes,
at the rate our government spends it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leave to Mike for the first or is it worst football joke:
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when
the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was
that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one
go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7".

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and
says,"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker
and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to
get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything
he's got, and accidentally soils in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally Mike sent me here
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7/Drug.htm
which offers quite a bit of good clean fun including this gem

RULES THAT CATS LIVE BY

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything; Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get
door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito
season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair
or bed quickly. If you cannot manage in time get to an
Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When
throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following
are the rules for "hampering":
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the
pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First,
sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch
sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk
across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay
in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
7) When human is using laptop, make sure to walk on keys,
then lay down on computer blocking screen and keys. This
will teach them not to hold laptop, instead of you!
(submitted by a viewer)

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they
have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first
get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she can
not move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as
much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of
kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the
humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four
hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans
to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away
or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you
with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a
human, especially their face, turn around, and present your
rear end to them. Humans love this, so do it often.
And don't forget guests.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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