Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 22

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 22 June 6, 2005


Deep throat unmasked in Watergate case:
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050601/D8AEJAT80.html

10 reasons not to kill Bush:
http://www.uwire.com/content/topops052505002.html

The court expanded the scope of the Disabilities Act
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/06/AR2005060600578_pf.html

While at the same time it rules against the medical use of
marijuana but states "that Congress could change the law to
allow medical use of marijuana."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/06/AR2005060600666_pf.html

House Republican Majority Leader Rep. Tom DeLay has a
pattern of repeated legal and ethical scandals. Yet he
remains in one of the most important positions in our
government—deciding what legislation Congress considers.
Sign the petition to urge Congress to fire Tom DeLay as
Majority Leader.
http://www.moveonpac.org/delay/
Check out their home page for other causes such as social
security and Operation Democracy.


Wow breathe like a fish?
http://www.livescience.com/scienceoffiction/050606_breathe_underwater.html

And you thought you were having a bad day:
http://www.wboy.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&storyid=3161

Rainy day links (go anywhere you can imagine)
http://dir.yahoo.com/Regional/Countries/United_States/

CNN announced the Best Airline but I say they missed the
boat: Midwest Express still serves warm chocolate chip
cookies, it's food is now prepared by Maders, and the seats
are bigger (but there is no first class):
http://money.cnn.com/2005/06/02/pf/goodlife/best_airlines/index.htm

Not being a coffee drinker I haven't tried it but they sound
good to me, offer quite a variety, and are Kosher:
http://www.thecoffeefool.com/
Sometimes you need a shorter link for your website or
any item you may like to send:
http://makeashorterlink.com/index.php


A Get Organized forum:
http://www.getorganizednow.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi

Hmmm Tivo for radio
http://news.com.com/TiVo-like+devices+for+radio+raise+piracy+fears/2100-1027_3-5724494.html?tag=nefd.top


Remember Maxwell Smart and his "Cone of Silence"?
Well its here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/30/technology/30hillis.html?ex=1117771200&en=a9163575d087e6fc&ei=5070

In case you haven't figured it out I do like to check out all
the quizzes, so ready or not here they come

Mood analysis
http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/index.cfm

Test your IQ
http://www.iqtest.dk/main.swf


Click on the Game link for what dog are you?
http://www.gone2thedogs.com/

Cat memory quiz
http://www2.b3ta.com/catgame/

Legal grafiti
http://graffiti.playdo.com/

Maze fun
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/6489

Sometimes I wish I could do this:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/stfu.php

Fascinating site with loads of info:
http://www.presidentsusa.net/index.html

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When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.
~~ Robert Byrne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are
all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin
we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites,
poltroons. ~~ Henry Miller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Journalism is the last refuge of the vaguely talented.
~~ Walter Lippman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the headache would only precede the intoxication,
alcoholism would be a virtue. ~~ Samuel Butler

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn't. ~~ Erica Jong

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
~~ Voltaire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Virtue is insufficient temptation.
~~ George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wisdom of the Mafia"
Occasionally suffer fools; you may learn something of
value from them.But never argue with them.

If you must lie, be brief.

Silence makes no mistakes.

The best armor is to stay out of range.

Never make an enemy that you don't have to.

You can't put a good edge on bad steel.

When you are angry, close your mouth and open your eyes.

If you don't spot the mark in your first half hour at the
table, you're it.

Let your adversary talk. When he has finished, let him
talk some more.

Victories are always temporary. So are defeats.

The best theories often make the worst practices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the fight between you and the world. . .
back the world. ~~ Frank Zappa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment. ~~ Dorothy Nevill

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her
for some money, because he ran out of it.

Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money.
You also left your calculus book here when you visited
2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'

'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the money in a
package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office
to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you
give the boy this time?

Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the
other for $1000.'

'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'

'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on
top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover
of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between
the pages in Chapter 19!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15
were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts."

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the
grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag
of money. Age 13

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.
But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man
smell. Age 5

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've
found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because
I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't
have a sense of humor. Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours,
set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year,
you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank
my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted
number. Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into
an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if
anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same
ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really
a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you
leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked,
except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited
my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning
when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to
myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates
about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder
at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I
live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and
I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that
we have found many more than four basic elements and I
show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches
and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest
of the night lighting farts. Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and
quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE
DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE
COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is
METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE
OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you
in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC
UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL
STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFOR-
MATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH
HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATH-
LETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY
ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits
FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM
DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY
INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached
COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY
REPETITIVE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at
various locations.

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and
be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person
to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from
picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without
permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water,
this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read
this, it's time to wash your car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin
her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad,
Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church
for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over
and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike
Men are like .....
Laxatives .......
They irritate the crap out of you.

Bananas .......
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Weather .......
Nothing can be done to change them.

Blenders .......
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars ......
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for our hips.

Commercials .......
You can't believe a word they say.

Department Stores ......
Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Government Bonds ......
They take soooooooo long to mature.

Mascara .......
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Popcorn ......
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Snowstorms ......
You never know when they're coming, how many inches
you'll get or how long it will last.

Lava Lamps ......
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Parking Spots ........
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as
well as to any understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys
you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man staggered home late after another evening with his
drinking buddies. Shoes in his left hand to avoid waking
his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could to the staircase
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step
in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing
the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled
down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding
cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway. He
then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before
proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place
he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to
shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in his
head and butt and his wife staring at him from across
the room. She said, and I quote "You were drunk again
last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at
her and replied, "Now hon, why would you say such a
mean thing?"

She said, "It could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the
drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
bloodshot eyes, but mostly....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is a moral dilemma for you...what would you do?
This test only has one question, but a very important one.
Please do not answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand
morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation, in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each
line. Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be
meaningful!

Ready? Begin.
You are in Florida . . .

In Miami, to be exact . . .

There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and
severe floods.

This is a flood of biblical proportions--global warming
come home to roost.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper
caught in the middle of this great disaster. The situation
is nearly hopeless.

You are trying to shoot career-making photos. There are
houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
under the water. Nature is showing all its destructive fury.

You see a man in the water; he is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken away with the water and debris.

You move closer. Some how the man looks familiar.

Suddenly, you know who it is . . . it is George W. Bush. At
the same time you notice that the raging waters are about
to take him under, forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can take
the most dramatic photos of your life. So, you can save the
life of George W. Bush, or you can take a Pulitzer Prize
winning photo, documenting the demise of one of the most
powerful men of our world.


Now, here is the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for these:
George Phillips, of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars
in his shed.The officer asked, "Is someone in your house?"
and he said no. The officer replied that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would
be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry
about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit,
and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course,
the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They
begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have
passed. After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns
to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up
if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they
agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure
he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where
she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident,
Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does
Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally this on Men from Anita:



Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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