Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 21
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 21 May 30, 2005
Happy Memorial Day!This weekend we headed out to the
World's Biggest Bratfest and had a great time. Still time to
make it out there for some music and a few brats:
http://www.bratfest.com/
With all the TV schedule changes this may be handy:
http://tvlistings.zap2it.com
Next weekend:
http://www.riversplash.com/ Milwaukee
http://www.overturecenter.com/jazz.htm Madison
http://www.capcan.org/vitensefest2005.htm Madison
Madison Feis 2005 Alliant Energy Center
Alliant Energy Center Way Madison, WI
Saturday, June 4, 2005 8:30 AM - 4:30 PM
The World Champion Trinity Academy of Irish Dance will
host a dance competition in which 1500 competitors, ages
5-18 are expected. Ten stages with live musicians will
provide an unforgettable event.
http://www.alliantenergycenter.com/
FRIENDS OF THE DRAGON ART FAIR
Downtown DeForest, WI JUNE 4, 2005
http://dragonartsgroup.org/
Festa Italia McKee Farms Fitchburg , WI
Italian dancers, children's activities, "A Taste of Italy"
and bocce ball await you 608.288.8284
Friday, June 3, 2005 -Sunday, June 5, 2005
http://www.iwcmadison.com/festa/index.html
Mount Horeb's Summer Frolic Grundahl Park
Mount Horeb's kickoff to the summer. Beer Tent, food,
entertainment, Tough Truck competition, fireworks, parade,
carnival rides, softball & volleyball tournament, bingo, raffle
for a Harley Davidson and more!Thursday, 5-10pm, Friday,
5-12:30pm, Saturday, 8:30am-12.30, Sunday, 8:30am-7pm.
http://www.trollway.com
Milwaukee travel links:
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=131489&xstate=view_story
Chicago travel links:
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=129014&xstate=view_story
Madison
http://www.mononaterrace.com/community/community_events.html#tunes
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=117536&xstate=view_story
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=182107&xstate=view_story
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=141963&xstate=view_story
Breakfast
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=139152&xstate=view_story
Getaways
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/getaways/
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=100966&xstate=view_story
http://www.madisonmagazine.com/article.php?story_id=152467&xstate=view_story
Amnesty International Takes Aim at 'Gulag' in Guantanamo
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/05/25/AR2005052500367_pf.html
What's the big stink here:
http://www.conservatoryofflowers.org/whatsnew/index.htm
The latest on the Supreme Court and abortion laws:
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050523/D8A90GNO0.html
Sex offenders get Viagra paid for by Medicaid, CNN
reported Monday.
http://www5.cnn.com/2005/LAW/05/23/offenders.viagra/
Newer net dangers
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/business/local/bal-idtheft0523,0,2790551.story
Life after "Star Wars"
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050527/ap_en_mo/film_star_wars_what_now;_ylt=AsBtZDM7rpZljX44bZmSgAqs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA2OXY1b2VrBHNlYwNlbg--
The Star Wars pick up line generator:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourstarwarspickupline/
Thanks to Erin for this sad news:
Thurl Ravenscroft, the highly recognizable voice of a host
of Disney characters, as well as Kellogg's famous Tony the
Tiger, died Sunday at the age of 91 of prostate cancer.
Ravenscroft was probably best known as the vocal talent
behind the Frosted Flakes advertising icon for more than
50 years, but Disney fans also knew him as the deep bass
who voiced characters in numerous Disney attractions,
such as the Pirates of the Caribbean, Splash Mountain, the
Enchanted Tiki Room and the Haunted Mansion. He also
did voices for the animated Disney films Cinderella, The
Jungle Book, Mary Poppins, Alice in Wonderland, Lady
and the Tramp and many others. He was named a Disney
Legend by the company in 1995.
http://legends.disney.go.com/legends/detail?key=Thurl+Ravenscroft
Since 1996, designed to be the search engine of choice for
information on current affairs, new science, politics, and
the "hidden information" that is seldom exposed by the
corporate-owned media conglomerates. It has evolved into
one of the largest and most popular alternative news and
underground culture destinations on the Web.
http://www.disinfo.com/site/
Very cool article on what to do with those telemarketers
http://news.scotsman.com/scitech.cfm?id=549052005
just in case the article is no longer available here are the
anti-telemarketer resources they suggested
http://www.hahaha.com.au/coldcallcomedy/AFD2005.asp
http://www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/counterscript.html
And don't forget to register to get rid of them for 5 years
https://www.donotcall.gov/default.aspx
You can find most state do not call lists here but if its not
try your favorite search engine (google, snap, yahoo)
http://www.ataconnect.org/GovernmentAffairs/StateDoNotCallLists.html
Hysterical bridal apparel (what were they thinking?)
http://www.visi.com/~dheaton/bride/the_bride_wore.html
For the athelete or anyone who would rather workout
than hang out in the airport on a layover, this web site
lists more than 50 health clubs in the US and Canada.
A few are in airports or airport hotels, but most of the
gyms are a short taxi ride away and have a fee of $5-15.
http://www.airportgyms.com
Can you pass the U.S. Citizen's test? According to the
INS, most regional offices require a score of 7 or 8 out
of 10 to pass.
http://www.herald-sun.com/votebook/citizenship/citstart.html
"Fighting ignorance since 1973", for all those times when
you wonder why its that way:
http://www.straightdope.com/
Juvenile humor from a defunct ezine, but in this case
its an 8 year old advice columnist:
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_dr_michael.html
Hmmm not sure if I like this. It makes no sense but it was
kind of fun exploring just click whenever the pointing finger
(or whatever your cursor does to indicate a link)
http://www.superbad.com/index17.html
You don't have to be disabled to enjoy these games:
http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/cat_index_41.shtml
A neat site for quizzes: choose from psychic, nerd, weird,
Star Trek and more. Also a word scramble game here:
http://www.nerdtests.com/funtests.php
More quizzes:
http://www.blogthings.com/quizzes.html
Just in time for all those campfires learn how to play that
guitar sitting in the corner gathering dust:
http://www.cyberfret.com/
http://www.guitarforbeginners.com/
http://www.guitarnoise.com/guitar.php
On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't believe everything you think ~~ Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of
course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
~~ Jerome K. Jerome
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For every complex problem there's a simple solution,
and it's wrong. ~~ Anonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial
reasons. ~~ Bertrand Russell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power.
~~ Abraham Lincoln
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's not that life is one thing after another - it's the same
damn thing over and over. ~~ Edna St. Vincent Millay
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right
here by me. ~~ Alice R. Longworth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to
public office. ~~ Aesop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Here's my idea for another one of those 'reality-based'
TV shows: NO SURVIVORS! One by one, a pstcopathic
serial killer tracks down and kills all of the Survivor
survivors. Think of it as a public service."
~~ George Carlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"See I'm hooked up to a taser and if I do any Bush jokes,
the first lady can zap me from backstage." ~~-Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman renewing her driver's license at the County
Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state
her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to
classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder,
"do you have a job, or are you just a .....?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers
it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her
story until one day I found myself in the same situation,
this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient,
and possessed of a high - sounding title like "Official
Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your
occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply
popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and
looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated
the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was
written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what
you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard
myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research
(what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and
already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job
is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother
care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is
more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-
of- the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction
rather than just money." There was an increasing note of
respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood
up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous
new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7,
and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model
(6 months) in the child-development program, testing out
a new vocal pattern.
I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And
I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just
another mother."
Motherhood...what a glorious career. Especially when
there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates
in the Field of Child Development and Human Relations", and
great - grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so!
I also think it makes aunts "Associate Research Assistants!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the
limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that
the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your
Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never
let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver,
wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the
Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his
decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until
they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my
license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
said the cop.
Chief exclaimed........ "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked...... "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
Chief:"Governor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"
Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for these:
This is what The Dalai Lama has to say for 2005.
1. Take into account that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for
others and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is
sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for
your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the
current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which
your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order
to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2004...
according to Reader's Digest:
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows
it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."
AND NOW...FOR THE...#1 SMART ASS ANSWER SO
FAR FOR THE YEAR 2005 ...A college teacher reminds
her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't
tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand
and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly
at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says : "Well,
I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for these:
LIQUOR WARNINGS
Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you
may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.
Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted the Health
Canada's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with members of the
opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major
factor in getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack
you tink you kan tpye reel gud..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Amanda for this one:
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the
knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a
woman wears leather clothing?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy this newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.
If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.
If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to
an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/
If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.
posted by Bluesbaby at 10:23 AM
<< Home