Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 20

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 20 May 23, 2005



Well last weekend they opened the last of the Star Wars
movies so of course my kids and I all went. No I wasn't
at that first midnight show (that was Dan and Erin and
their friends) but I did get there Friday afternoon with
Adam and Amanda. I enjoyed it much more than the
last two Star Wars movies.

So Erin sent me this link to a movie from not so long ago,
in a supermarket not so far away. . .
http://www.StoreWars.org
Join the adventures of Cuke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Cannoli,
Chewbroccoli and the rest of the Organic Rebels fighting
against Darth Tader and the Dark Side of the Farm.

This week Google introduced personalized home pages
http://news.com.com/Google+introduces+personalized+home+pages/2100-1032_3-5714284.html?tag=nl&tag=nl.e496

My daughter in law has asked that I pass along this
request to act on this Autism Bill. With 1 in 166 kids
now being affected isn't it time to kick our politicians
into action? This is a non partisan bill and they might
as well do something besides line their pockets.
http://www.kintera.org/siteapps/advocacy/index.aspx?c=hjJXJcMQIsE&b=619823&action=2244&template=x.ascx&refid=jkLSI9MQLgJRL5NYE

9 year old girl raises money to protect RCMP dogs:
http://news.monstersandcritics.com/northamerica/article_1001279.php/Alberta_girl_raises_funs_for_buys_dogs_bullet-proof_vests

Mike got another scam email this week, this time from the
“head of the Treasury Dept. at the Bank of South Africa”.
He did a little Google searching and turned up this gem of
a page. Follow the links as they string along the would be
scammer. http://www.improving.org/paulp/nigerians/

While we are talking scams, I happened across this tale
of a most interesting ebay scam. However, this time the
scammer DID NOT win. Here is the website with all the
funfacts (aka what went down, and how).
http://www.p-p-p-powerbook.com/
(just click on the pdf file towards the top of the site).

If you aren't scared yet read this project where identities
were stolen with a few bucks and some spare time
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/18/technology/18data.html?

Would you like to quickly bypass the login of web sites
that require compulsory registration and/or the collection
of personal/demographic information (such as the New
York Times).
http://www.bugmenot.com/

Every once in a while we all can use some free tech tips
http://malektips.com/


Star Wars Gangsta Rap
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/funpages.htm


Hysterical pet videos
http://www.msnfound.com/karen.aspx


More great videos at
http://www.msnfound.com/

The best commercials are always European:
http://www.holylemon.com/adverts.html

Draw with your friends
http://www.imaginationcubed.com/LaunchPage

If you loved Kaleidoscopes as a kid you will love this site
(adults can play too).
http://www.permadi.com/java/spaint/spaint.html

More fun at Permadi
http://www.permadi.com/

From Erin came this great photo sharing site:
http://www.flickr.com/

Also thanks to Erin: Put your birth date in the pop up
window after you click on the link below. What happens
is pretty interesting and see how quickly it computes!!
http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

More fun here:
http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/

Play games online
http://www.sheppardsoftware.com/index.html
http://members.cruzio.com/~sab/


Great photo site from Shanghai by Tony
http://spaces.msn.com/members/tony2002/

What can I say you have to see it to believe it:
http://www.ninjaburger.com/

More silliness "The 86 Rules of Boozing":
http://www.drunkard.com/issues/01-02/01_02_booze_rules.htm

Nostagia here - 1 minute portraits of many celebrities
http://www.movietone-portraits.com/

Great link to the blog for BB King's guitar player
Larry J
http://spaces.msn.com/members/larryj/

Pediactric website
http://www.drgreene.com/

Work smart not hard - a blog with practical advice
http://michaelhyatt.blogs.com/workingsmart/2005/04/recovering_the_.html

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One of the best expressions in the English language is,
'Who says so?' I guarantee, if you keep saying, 'Who
says so? long enough, sooner or later someone will take
you into custody." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread to
the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse, and
we will become a primitive society where we all run around
naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings. Wouldn't
that be GREAT?" ~~Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me
to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates.
Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up
the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions
Wanted section of the newspaper. I asked him what he wanted
to call himself in the ad.

He said, "A self-starter!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if a wolf is blonde?

It's chewed off three legs . . . .
the remaining leg is still in the trap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "Pull Over!"

"No!" the blonde yelled back, " It's A Scarf!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When

You answer the door before people knock.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are
good in the sack."

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know
how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house
and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe".

You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good
to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest
of eternity in a coffee can.

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before,
coffee during and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass
of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an
I.V. hookup.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Positive Side of Life
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer
you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you
left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much
jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and
all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in
the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.

Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His
Retirement plan is out of this world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are some less common smilies:
(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15
hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a BIG girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)~ User drools
:-~) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
- - -:-) User is a punk rocker
- - -:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
-I User is asleep
-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is reaally bummed
<-) User is Chinese
<-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
:-o Uh oh! (8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie 3:[ Mean Pet smilie
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
.-) User only has one eye ,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died 8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a
toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin
Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make
midget smilies.
:) Midget smilie
:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be
your friend

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The human brain starts working the moment you are
born and doesn't stop until you stand up to speak in
public.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People who think they know it all are a pain in the neck
to those of us who really do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support
employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the
screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

......"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

......"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of it,
not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."

......"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have Rick to thank for this one:

As I understand it, Joseph Ratzinger was not the
Cardinals first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal
Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in
The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a
priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and
spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was
shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain,
giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary
in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap)
to villages across the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when
an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. He went
down into the mine to administer last rights to those too
severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and
he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries,
including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content
in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition
characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service
of God as a scholar, mentor, as a high holy man, church
leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.
They felt that the Church would never accept... a one-
eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:
A college class was told they had to write a short story
in as few words as possible. The short story had to
contain the following three things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story.

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From "I'm not Martha":
So how about other funny phobias? I get a kick out of:
A) what people are scared of; and
B) what goofy names they come up with for the fear.
Try these on for size:
Bald People -- Peladophobia
Becoming Bald-- Phalacrophobia
Chickens -- Alektorophobia.
Cooking -- Mageirocophobia.
Dinner Conversations -- Deipnophobia.
Being Tickled By Feathers -- Pteronophobia.
In-Laws -- Soceraphobia.
Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof of The Mouth
--Arachibutyrophobia.

And of course...the very best...
Long Words -- Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally :
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that
when you yell the name will carry." ~~ Bill Cosby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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