Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 25

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 25 June 29, 2005


Sorry for the delay this week but I'm having a problem
with my eyes which translates to less time at the computer
before my eyes are aching and lots of blurry vision. Hoping
to improve soon and be back "on track" next week.

Wow it's the end of June but it seems more like August
with the sizzling heat everywhere. Hope you all are
keeping cool and well hydrated. It's been so hot here
that custard is a great plan. By the way, there is custard
in CA, FL, TX, SC and other places I would never have
expected to see it served. Check it out here:
http://www.custardlist.com/

Counting the moments till Summerfest but unfortunately
for us the days of Bo Black are gone. No more do I see
band after band that I want to see listed for any one day
but maybe you can have better luck. On the bright side
you can now get martinis there, not just beer and wine.
http://www.summerfest.com

Please visit
http://www.kintera.org/TR.asp?ID=M69607868144422216004765
now and do your part to keep the Combating Autism Act
of 2005 alive and well on its way to becoming a law.

If you thought the moon was larger lately, you are not
the only one. Although it's size is an optical illusion, many
people observed this last week.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4619063.stm

While we are talking about the sky check out this scenario
(which sounds like it was lifted out of a movie script). We
are going to blast a hole in a comet on the 4th of July.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050626/D8AVHLEO0.html

Every week Yahoo impresses me with their tech page.
Check out their techno savy resource:
http://news.yahoo.com/techtuesday


Here is another site recommended by my friend Anita
for installing and repairing Windows
http://www.windowsreinstall.com/

Thanks to Mike for this site showing
THE BIRTH OF A HUMMINGBIRD
Be sure to click on NEXT PAGE at the bottom of each page;
there are 5 pages in all. A lady found a hummingbird nest
and got pictures all the way from the egg to leaving the nest.
Took 24 days from birth to flight. Because you'll probably
never in your lifetime see this again, enjoy; and please share.
http://community-2.webtv.net/Velpics/HUM/


Sheila recommended this show and website. I can't see
it on my TV schedule but the projects online are great.
http://www.beadsbaublesandjewels.com/

Is eBay on the decline?
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050627/D8AVLPCG0.html

Hmm has hell frozen over? Billy Graham quips that Bill
Clinton should become an evangelist and allow "his wife
to run the country."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050626/ap_on_re_us/billy_graham_14

Virus can kill some cancer cells :
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050621/2005-06-21T202145Z_01_N21629972_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-HEALTH-CANCER-VIRUS-DC.html


The Lake Mills Library offers an extensive look at small
town architecture, history, and victoriana:
http://www.lakemills.lib.wi.us/Old%20Homes/old_homes.htm

Have you seen Parodyville? Their motto is
"Life’s too short to be so serious!"
http://www.octanecreative.com/Parodyville/index.html

Remember TaB? Take a trip down memory lane with this
site about TaB (they even have links to help you find some
near you). Other cool links if you scroll to the bottom:
http://home.epix.net/~tjwagner/tab.html

Here's what the ladies need "The Analysis of Available Men"
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/manchart.html

Play games online:
http://www.nascar.com/games/room/index.html
http://www.starwars.com/kids/games/
http://www.tetris1d.org/

Scroll down and download the Nascar racing car demo
http://www.easports.com/games/nascarsimracing/downloads.jsp

If you are looking for family friendly sites, you may want
to bookmark this site for future reference: http://www.familyfriendlysites.com/FamilyFriendly/default.asp

Speaking of family friendly here is one with strawberry
recipes, helpful hints, and ecards:
http://strawberry.mynid.com/index.html


More for the kids:
http://www.thefairies.com.au/home.html

Winne the Pooh site:
http://www.lavasurfer.com/pooh-guide.html

Someone asked the question
what is the difference between blues and rock . . .
(for those who don't know . . . it's 70 watts) . . .

For those who need or want an explanation of what exactly
is the blues.
http://www.pbs.org/theblues/classroom/lessons.html


Now these guys have the blues:
http://www.deadbluesguys.com/index.html

More famous obituaries:
http://www.einsiders.com/features/columns/2005obituaries.php

If you are up for fiddle music check out this site for strings
http://www.oldtimemusic.com/otrechome.php

Great diabetes resource:
http://www.mendosa.com/index.html

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all
day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you
not have all day?" ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"'Everything comes in threes. ' Not true. In reality, every-
thing comes in ones. Sometimes, when three 'ones' comes
in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From 1998 Washington Post column by Marion Abbott

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are
some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR
aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic . . .

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-
lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!),
neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha
Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch
her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration
appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and
tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift,
see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers
and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with
these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the
tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels
are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels
have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched
feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters,
then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-
feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from
Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-
leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high
school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes
with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled
with doughnut holes and fruit punch

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie
needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just
what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're
hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking
Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught
up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps
instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to AA
meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big
Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants
when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and she
cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch
watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes
with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book
"Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My employment search preoccupied our family for
months...One day my husband told our three boys that
to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for
them. They were all silent, until our six-year-old spoke
up:"When are the interviews?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Billy was taking a flight to New York. He boards
the plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not
fasten his seatbelt. The flight attendant comes down
the aisle and sees Billy's unfastened seatbelt, and says,
"Young man, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff."

Young Billy says, "Not necessary - Superman doesn't
need a seatbelt."

"Superman," the flight attendant said, "doesn't need
an airplane either. Now fasten your seatbelt!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Make sure you wash your hands before your piano
lesson," I reminded my seven-year old son. "They're
probably dirty from soccer practice."

"Don't have to, Mum." he reassured me.
"Today I'm practicing in E-flat Minor.... You know...
They're black keys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a lady and her daughter had selected some toys,
they brought them to the counter. I asked the little girl
if she'd like to carry them herself. She nodded happily.

When I started to put the teddy bear into a plastic bag,
however, she exclaimed: "No. No, don't do that! He
won't be able to breathe!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One morning, a three-year-old boy asked his mother,
"Mummy, how can I make this new toy helicopter fly?"

"You will have to use your imagination," she replied.
"Do you know what the word 'imagination' means?"

"Yes Mummy," he answered immediately. "It means
you've got no batteries!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Congress is now considering legislation that would
require people to present four different forms of
identification when they apply for a driver's license.
Well that should speed up that line at the DMV."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-
the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast
fortunes without doing any productive work or
contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How
can I get in on that?'" ~~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"NASA just released their new report on global warming
or, as President Bush, calls it--Spring." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know how in first grade they used fruits to explain
stuff like "one banana plus two bananas make three
bananas"?

Here's a list of high school math courses based on bananas:
-----
Algebra I - A
You have a negative banana (possibly made of antimatter).
Add two bananas to it and you get one banana.

Algebra I - B
You have a banana. Factor it, or solve for apples using
the quadratic formula.

Geometry
Prove : Bananas are not vegetables. Given : Bananas are
fruits.

Algebra II
You have an imaginary banana. Square it, and you get one
of those weird anti-matter bananas. The student learns
that their dreams will become reality if they only raise
them to the fourth power.

Pre-Calculus
What is the cosecant of Pi over 2 bananas in a unit apple?

Calculus AB
The student learns to find the slope of a banana.

Calculus BC
The student learns to find the slope of a banana and
also to find the area under the banana.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's
license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite
well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however,
and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over
toward the examiner. "Now what?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a
slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492,
Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route
to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if
you make a call from Europe to a company in America
today - it's re-routed to India." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada.
To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading
skills by calling out road signs.He fell asleep just before
they entered Québec.When he awoke he saw the French
highway signs and said in a worried tone. "Mummy, I
think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one
Tom finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of
his life . . . until the boat sank. He found himself swept
up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day
when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up
to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?"

"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "
I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat
wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of
raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from
gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches;
and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Tom. "You had
no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side
of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in
my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that
for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Tom is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes
of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Tom looks
onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead,
dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much,
but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a
drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more
coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still.
Howabout a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they
sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have
exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Tom goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to
its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here
for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!

"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the
Packer game from here?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to
8 full hours.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by
reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and
how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup
trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road
rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance
to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ..Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases
potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the
toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in
elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides
the same irritation level as nagging him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this advice:
I usually don't forward warnings like this on but felt
this was important since summer is approaching.
Remember to be safe!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this good advice:
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits
and veggies.Take your vitamins and bump up your
vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps
build your immune system.Walk for at least an hour a
day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator,
etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a
bottle of the antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh
air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR
Take the doctor's office approach.Think about it...When
you go for a shot, what do they do first?

Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills
germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (Exercise).
I put lime in my Corona (Fruit).
Celery in my Bloody Mary (Veggie).
Drink outdoor at the patio bar (Fresh Air).
Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (Relieve Stress).
Then pass out (Rest).
The way I see it....If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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