Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 26

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 26 July 5, 2005

I hope you all had a happy 4th OF July. If you didn't get
enough fireworks, play with fireworks online:
http://www.njagyouth.org/Liberty_.htm
http://www.dti.gov.uk/fireworks/fire_you/cool_kid.htm
http://www.nfpa.org/sparky/fireworks/design/fireworks1.htm
http://www.pbs.org/capitolfourth/fireworks.html
http://www.kidskonnect.com/FourthofJuly/LadyLiberty/liberty_dl.htm

Firework Downloads
http://www.fireworks.com/interactive/fireworks_show/default.asp
http://www.zambellifireworks.com/desktop.html

Patriotic Games, crossword, word search or unscramble
http://www2.aristotle.net/july4th/fireworks/index.html

More games and fun for the 4th
http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/funology1/july4.htm

Leave it to PBS to entertain and teach at the same time.
Here they have interactive fireworks but also the Anatomy
of a Firework and Name That Shell:
http://www.surfnetkids.com/cgi-local/go.cgi?http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/fireworks/

Danger - 1st Amendment attack:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/30/politics/30leak.html?ei=5065&en=af889a6c760bc524&ex=1120708800&partner=MYWAY&pagewanted=print

If time is the enemy then some Cliff Notes on the Downing
Street memos may help understand the hubbub
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/_/id/7416234?pageid=rs.Politics&pageregion=single2

Sandra Day O'Connor and the Supreme Court
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/02/politics/politicsspecial1/02oconnor.html?th&emc=th

Special section on Autism
http://www.nytimes.com/pages/health/healthspecial2/?8dpc

A skeptical view of alternative treatments, myth, science,
new age, conspiracy, religion and faith.
http://amr2you.blogspot.com/

Free directory assistance:
http://www.anywho.com
http://www.switchboard.com
http://www.whowhere.lycos.com
http://www.whitepages.com

For $10,000 what would you have tattooed?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/30/AR2005063000702_pf.html

Here's a neighborhood you may want to stay out of
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050630/D8B1N4400.html

Places to start for ideas on data privacy
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/02/technology/02instincts.html?ex=1120536000&en=ed29bcf6da6db180&ei=5070

10 things about World Records
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4634367.stm

Pasadena offers daily earthquake probabilities for California
http://pasadena.wr.usgs.gov/step/

Interesting article from Erin on the Amish and gene
hunting. Surprisingly they willingly participate in
this project with its advanced techno twist
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/amish_gene_hunting

PC World does it again, the Best Products of 2005:
http://www.pcworld.com/reviews/article/0,aid,120763,pg,12,00.asp

Downloads and screensavers:
http://www.paintedbus.com/

Panicware Pop-Up Stopper
http://www.panicware.com/product_psfree.html

Downloadable music from The Band
http://theband.hiof.no/sounds/index.html

More music downloads
http://music.download.com/2001-1_32-0.html?tag=tab

Follow the link to download or stream these shows:
http://feeds.feedburner.com/BandanaBlues

Looking for Podcasts:
http://digitalflotsam.org/
http://www.podcastalley.com/index.php

A great blues site with many biographies some with video
http://www.the-blindman.com/index.htm

If you like blues and can get to NY City on Friday July 15
this concert is free at 7:30 pm.
http://www.brooklynx.org/celebrate/2005_popups/musselwhite.asp

An international magazine of cultural criticism covering
most cultural products, including music, television, films,
books, video games, computer software, theatre, the
visual arts, and the Internet.
http://www.popmatters.com/

A small but fun website for very young kiddies. Check out
their games, activities, birthdays, and competitions. http://www.five.tv/accessibility/programmes/milkshake/

Free animated online stories for kids
http://www.magickeys.com/books/
http://www.storybookonline.net/

101 Car Travel Games & Road Trip Ideas for Kids
http://www.momsminivan.com/

Who knew people like these:
http://www.hosta.org/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It is being reported that over 500 female soldiers have
gotten free breast implants while in the service. And that's
while Bush was president. Imagine how many there were
under Clinton." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

G. C.'s Guide to Dining Out
"There are certain clues that tell you how much a restaurant
will cost. If the word cuisine appears in the advertising, it will
be expensive. If they use the word food, it will be moderately
priced. However, if the sign says eats, even though you'll save
some money on food, your medical bills may be quite high."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN? A minister, a priest, and a rabbi
were discussing when life begins."Those of my faith," said the
minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat."

"We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life
starts at the moment of conception."

"Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when
the kids move out and the dog dies."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was with a friend in a cafe' when our conversation was
interrupted by a noisy car alarm. "What good are car
alarms when no one pays any attention to them?"
I wondered aloud.

"Sometimes they are quite effective," my friend corrected
me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the
neighbor's. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to
the driveway and kick his car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you think technology has changed the work world,
just take a look at what's happening in never-never land.
A recent update reports that today:

Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of the embedded
silicon identity chips.

Cinderella searches for her prince on Match.com - and
leases her pumpkin-colored SUV at Avis.com.

Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs
but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch
into her microwave oven.

To avoid travel stress, Alice now plans her Wonderland
vacation with velocity.com.

A reformed Ebenezer Scrooge sends Bob Cratchett to
update his certification for Excel and Quicken.

Jack's making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering
breakthrough.

Old McDonald uses voice recognition to make ordering
easy at his agricultural auction site EIEIO.COM.

Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch
through their cell phones.

With her early Web capabilities, Charlotte is now a motivational
speaker at tech conferences around the world.

The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were
bootlegged on Napster.

King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with
satellite videoconferencing.

Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.

Jack and Jill order their Evian on peapod.com.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"KID'S LETTERS to PRESIDENT BUSH" BY Bill Adler

Here are a few of the letters from the book.

** Dear Mr. President: How much money does the president
make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't
enough money then I will become a dentist. Timothy U., age
7, Jamestown, NY

** Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your
only friend is the vice-president. Richard D., age 8, Green-
wich, CT

** Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not
my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats
and Republicans. A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8, Atlanta, GA

** What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible
because you have to pray a lot. Kimberly W., age 8,
Meriden, CT

** Dear President Bush: Can you help with the weather in
Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the
president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is
wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle. Elizabeth P., age
8, Seattle, WA

** What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that
Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble. Ralph N.,
Palm Beach, FL

** Do you go to church on Sunday? I hope so because my
mother says our country needs all the help we can get from
God. Melissa, age 9, La Fayette, IN

** I hope I can be president someday but my mother says
first I should get a real job and work. Jerome F., age 7,
New York, NY

** I think you won the election because you were a better
speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were
talking about. Tracey O., age 10, Green Valley, AZ

** My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in
the White House when we get married someday. We will
be married in 20 years. Peter N., age 7, Bismarck, ND

** Dear President Bush: What size shoes do you wear?
My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes
and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-
president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black
shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you.
Joey P., age 8, Erie, PA

** I knew you would win the election when my best friend
Amy said you would lose. Amy is always wrong. Julie P.,
age 9, Exeter, RI

** On TV you didn't answer some questions because you
said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers?
I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I
shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer if classified,
I wouldn't be in trouble. Martin J., age 9, Philadelphia, PA

** Dear Mr. President: My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican
and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a
Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and
my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer before we
are 18. Thank you, Ryan C., age 12, Philadelphia, PA

** I've been practicing piano for two years and I hate it and
I am awful. My mom said President Nixon played piano. Did
you play piano because President Nixon did? I think two
years of being a bad player is enough. Please write my mom
and tell her. She likes you most of the time. Melissa E., age
10, Shaker Heights, OH

** And finally a young man who is wise beyond his years.....
Someday if we have a woman president we will need more
closets in the White House so the president will have room
for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister
has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to
share closets. Michael P., age 8, San Diego, CA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If
anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said,
"He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and
horse races."Once I answered a teacher this way.

She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed
her down by explaining it was a joke."So what do you
really do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said,
"You're not going to like this, - I make a living selling
drugs..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little
children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there
when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't
play hard or run.

It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of
quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like
pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us
about the colour of the flowers and also why we shouldn't
step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?"
and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if
we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if
you don't have television, because they are the only grown
ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and
they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when
we've acted bad.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he
said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her we
just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we
take her back to the airport.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes
checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read
various letters with the left eye while covering the
right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye
was which that the eye doctor had to take a paper bag
with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate
eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he
noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get so
emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my
heart set on wire frames."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all of the
impersonators would be dead." ~~ Johnny Carson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Government Verbosity:
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911
words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"According to Entertainment Weekly the new term for
gay lovers is 'manpanions'. Well, at least it doesn't sound
gay." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies
were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A
senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard
the conversation and offered the following advice: "You
must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said.
"Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Christine for this one:
"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't
got an "Uncle Paul "

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy
right now"

Brief Pause

Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled
into the driveway"


"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" He asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped
over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was
all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into
the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you
took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom
of the pool and I think he's dead"


Long Pause




Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731 ??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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