Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 28

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 28 July 18, 2005



Under the category of you can buy anything on ebay, who
would have believed 2 bobble heads would get to over $100
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7530225508

If you use MSN Messenger don't be frustrated by the fact
that your buddy is offline, use this service bot program
to deliver the message when they come back online again.
http://www.offlinemessenger.com/faq.php



Or try Yahoo Messenger which had this feature built into
the main program long ago. It's also stable, has more fun
gimmicks like environments, audibles, and icons. You can
reach me at Blues_N_More_Blues@yahoo.com if you
want to add me to your buddy list or contacts.
http://www.download.com/3120-20_4-0.html?qt=Yahoo+messenger&tg=dl-2001
While you are there check out the other cool stuff you
can add to your chat experience. Note Trillian which
allows you to chat on AOL, MSN, YAHOO, and ICQ all
at the same time with ease. (there are others like this
but I used Trillian). It worked well, is a small file, had
an icon that's not as noticed as ICQ, MSN or Yahoo,
and could be very unobtrusive at work.

More Messenger add ons
http://mess.be/

Check out the cute cats
http://gallery.ratemykitten.com/kitten/540/000098246/index.html
and the top 20
http://www.ratemykitten.com/top.html

A great free dictionary to bookmark that even includes
specialized medical and financial terminology which
often eludes regular online dictionaries:
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/


Do you need a list manager?
http://noroom.msnfanatic.com/listmanager/

Vintage blues and jazz records for sale
http://www.document-records.com/

Remember Country Joe and the Fish? (It's a Treat to
Beat Your Feet in the Mississippi Mud) He has a fun site
with a great jukebox full of nostalgia:
http://countryjoe.com/jukebox.htm

Although Hip Hop is not my thing this site was fun. It's
for a movie coming out this month but has interactive
"Create Your Own Beat "which you can then send to a
friend and "Pimp DJ's (the hero) Ride ".
http://www.hustleandflow.com/

One of the featured sites on MSN Spaces this week:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/publicservant/

Free online games:
http://www.gamegarage.co.uk/games/top10/
http://www.gsn.com/

Quiz - are you romantic or a realist
http://www.blogthings.com/romanticorrealisticquiz/

New York City probably has more bloggers per square
mile than anywhere else in the world. NYCBloggers.com
is an effort to put those bloggers on the map.
http://www.nycbloggers.com/

Ok I admit that I am suprised by this author since I met
her in the "blonde bombshell" mode but based on reading
her blog she was present when Mitchell was told about
Watergate and was deeply involved in the Republican
Party so I guess her involvement in political commentary
now is a natural reaction.
http://www.mamievandoren.com/weblog/

I found her "guest blogging" here :
http://www.psotd.com/

Is the jig up? The Big Brass Alliance thinks so:
http://www.bigbrassblog.com/bba/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest
of us have to be the others. " ~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As long as you're going to be thinking anyway,
THINK BIG." ~~ Donald Trump

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The problem with the world is that everyone
is a few drinks behind." ~~ Humphrey Bogart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A tough lesson in life that one has to learn is that
not everybody wishes you well." ~~ Dan Rather

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MUSIC QUOTES

"What we play is life."~~ Louis Armstrong

"Music is a higher revelation than philosophy."
~~ Beethoven

"There are only two types of music - good and bad."
~~ Miles Davis"

If ever there was a good time, so help me God, there
was good times on BealeStreet."~~ Bukka White

"If I get killed in a juke joint, I promise not to
recommend that anyone else go there..."
~~ Jim O'Neal

"Without music, life would be a mistake."
~~ Friedrich Nietzsche

"The blues ain't about feelin' bad; it's about makin' others
feel worse." ~~ Bleedin' Gums Murphy

"When I die, they gonna say 'He couldn't play shit, but he
sure made it sound good!' " ~~ Hound Dog Taylor

"All music is folk music. Horses don't sing."
~~ Big Bill Broonzy

"I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my
swimming pool than play Bach and starve."
~~ Xavier Cugat"

[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me
businessmen every time. They really are interested in
music and art." ~~ Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely
invited musicians to his home.

"The amount of money one needs is terrifying..."
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven

"Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other
way you can make a living."
~~ Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer"

I am not handsome, but when women hear me play,
they come crawling to my feet." ~~ Niccolo Paganini

"Of course I'm ambitious. What's wrong with that?
Otherwise you sleep all day." ~~ Ringo Starr

"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that
each of you bought two or three seats." ~~ Victor
Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan.

"If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by
one's conversation." ~~ Oscar Wilde

"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back
legs together." ~~ Mel Brooks

"I may look like a wrench, but I'm no tool"~~ Ike Turner

"Remember folks - If you drink, don't drive. Don't even
putt." ~~ Dean Martin

Information is not knowledge.
Knowledge is not wisdom.
Wisdom is not truth.
Truth is not beauty.
Beauty is not love.
Love is not music.
Music is the best.
~~ Frank Zappa

"By 2006, the music we know as the blues will exist only
in the classical music section of your public library."
~~ Dan "Elwood Blues" Ackroyd's intro to the 1978 album
by The Blues Brothers, "Briefcase Full Of Blues."

More quotations (some are rather beyond bawdy but it's
up to you to persue these if you are interested):
http://koti.mbnet.fi/wdd/quotations.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Angelina Jolie is in Ethiopia to adopt an orphaned baby
girl. Didn't she just adopt a kid last month? What was his
name? Oh, Brad Pitt." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush had a minor bike accident today. The
White House physician said he should be fine and back
on his Big Wheel in no time. It's apparently hard to tip
one of those too. It got caught in the colored streamers."
~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RANDOM TIDBITS

The U.S. is home to 2/3 of the world's lawyers.

The word nightmare is the private name of a medieval
female demon that attacked sleeping people. "Mare"
means goblin in Old English.

Popcorn was invented by American Indians.

Beethoven was 5'2".

There are 63,360 inches in a mile.

It takes about 150 days for your fingernails to grow
from your cuticles to your fingertips.


In 1889, the 1st coin-operated telephone, patented by
Hartford, CT inventor William Gray, was installed in
the Hartford Bank. Local calls on a "pay phone" in the
U.S. cost only 5 cents everywhere until 1951.

No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

McDonald's is...
* the largest toy distributor in the world
* the largest owner of playgrounds in the world
* the #1 owner of property in the world

Walgreens is the only FORTUNE 500 company other
than Wal-Mart to have increased both sales and earnings
every year for the past 30 years. A new Walgreens store
opens every 19 hours.

Mosquitos are attracted to people who have recently
eaten bananas.

About half of all Americans are on a diet on any given day.

A one minute kiss burns 26 calories.

Frowning burns more calories than smiling (but are the
wrinkles worth it?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you have a BIG dog when...

* The sound of running water makes you jump up and
yell, "OUTSIDE!"

* You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds
a chair.

* It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.

* You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name,
but you have no idea who these people are.

* You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for
a new vehicle.

* You have given up on water dishes and you just use the
bathtub.

* You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have
a saddle for that thing?"

* Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming
pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home
in Florida.

* You're holding him straddled between your legs when the
doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported
straight to the front door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The common custom of placing X's on envelopes, notes
and at the bottom of letters to mean kisses dates back to
Medieval ages, when a cross was drawn on documents or
letters to mean sincerity and honesty. A kiss was then
placed upon the cross, by the signer as a display of their
of their sworn oath. It was also used in early Christian
history as much of a display of the same. Since most of
the common people were unable to read or write, the 'X"
was placed on documents, and a kiss placed upon it as a
show of their sincerity, gradually, as it was used so often,
the cross was hurried drawn and often resembled an "X".

The "O" is of North American descent, no one really seems
to know how it was started. When arriving to the US, some
Jewish immigrants would use an "O" on documents, not
using the sign of the cross, and shop keepers would often
use an "O" when signing documents, in place of an "X".
Perhaps now it is used as the "O" being rounded represents
arms encircling another, as in an embrace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting
to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a
very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing
woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory,
so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady,” he
began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg.” Whereupon
he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. “Young lady, I would like
three tickets to Pittsburgh,” he began, “and I would like the
change in nipples and dimes.” So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. “Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels
and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on
dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St.
Finger’s going to shake his peter at you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Super Cheesy Pick-Up Lines
Do you know what would look good on you? Me.

Is that a run in your stockings, or is it the stairway to
heaven?

Your lips are a little wrinkled... Mind if I press them?

My name's _______, but you can call me Tonight.

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...You shouldn't go
home without me!

If I was in charge of the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Can I get some fries with that shake?

My pants don't like you, so should I lose you or the pants?

You're gonna have to apologize to your neighbors tomorrow.
Why? 'Cause we're gonna keep them up all night!

I just had a bag of Skittles. Want to taste the rainbow?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

20 Reasons Chocolate is Better Than Sex
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me, you'll swallow that" has real meaning
with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without
being called nasty names.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench
or desk during working hours without upsetting your
co-workers.
11) You can have chocolate any time of the month.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors
awake.
14) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting
your face slapped.
15) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can
handle.
16) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
18) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
19) Good chocolate is easy to find.
20) With chocolate, size doesn't matter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night.
The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly
he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop. Without
thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and
closed the door when he suddenly realized there was
nobody behind the wheel!

Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He
was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a
curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climb-
ing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared
through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand
appeared every time right before a curve. Gathering his
courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to
the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started
telling everybody about the horrible experience he just
went through. About half an hour later, two guys walked
into the same restaurant. They were looking around for
a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that
the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hilarious Headlines of 1999

(these where really put into print in papers)

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally these are from Mike

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends
over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50
politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs. (ouch)

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new
dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying
at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the
F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to
yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit".

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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