Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 31

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 31 August 8, 2005

Remember this is the last month of summer so enjoy it
while you can. Take ideas from the destination guides
and vacation ideas sections but also from the new shows
on the Travel Channel
http://travel.discovery.com/



Or from Midwest Living there are regional travel guides,
event calendars, but also arrange a room and arrange a
deck interactives to help you make the most of your own
spaces if that's where you plan to hang out.
http://www.midwestliving.com/



Happy 40th Birthday Voting Rights Act!
Here is to many, many more.
U.S DEPT OF JUSTICE site:
http://www.usdoj.gov/crt/voting/intro/intro_b.htm

How the struggle continues, even to this day:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-08-05-miss-town-voting_x.htm


FWIW Dogpile is very good for finding audio clips.
(most of us forget that originally search engines each
had a niche they were better at than the others. This
one includes Google, Ask Jeeves, MSN, and YAHOO:
http://www.dogpile.com/

If you are headed to Disney World for the Anniversary
party or just in the planning phase you may want to
check out these websites:
http://wdwinfo.com/
http://miceage.com/
http://allearsnet.com/

This looked like a great party planning site with drinks and
planning tips but I haven't ordered anything from them.
http://www.celebrationfantastic.com/service.cfm?page=hostesshints

To help make the invites special see how to create your
own stamps
http://www.creativepro.com/story/feature/22903.html
http://www.stamps.com/

Paypal gives identity theft protection and security advice
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_security-center-outside

To limit your children's access to the web, set a limited user
account for them and stop worry when you can't supervise:
http://www.worldstart.com/tips/tips.php/1435

or for loads of other tips written in plain English
http://www.worldstart.com/tips/index.php

Excel tips are here:
http://www.worldstart.com/tips/cat-topics.php/17

Galaxo Smith Klein provides some essential links on diabetes
http://www.stateofdiabetes.com/resources.htm

If you add these you have the basics on diabetes:
http://www.joslin.org/
http://www.idf.org/
http://www.mendosa.com/index.html

For the blues fans "Paul Parello's Blues Power"
Radio: WRMN 1410 AM Elgin-Chicago Sunday nights
or Internet: Streamed live Sunday night radio show
10:00 PM to 12:00 midnight
http://www.chicagobluesman/


On to the chuckles:
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"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too
much space." ~~ John Martin

More from John Martin
http://www.dunno.com.au/archdunno.html

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"Guys are like port-o-potties. All the good ones are
taken and all the bad ones are full of crap!"
~~ Anonymous

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There is a light at the end of every tunnel....
just pray it's not a train!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol."

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Everyone has music in them. Only the talented have the
ability to share it with the rest of the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-"Its ok to kiss a fool, its ok to let a fool kiss you, but
never let a kiss fool you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Friends are gods ways of apologizing for our families"

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More Thoughts to Ponder:

Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the
words "the" and "rapist" put together?

Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and
not 1?

Do pigs pull ham strings?

Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?

Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?

Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his
tights?

Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?

Why do they call the clock where you punch your time
card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?

Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we
describe something being crap?

Can dogs have dog days?

When a male is elected president and his wife is called the
First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she
were elected president?

If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your
birthday?

Do birds pee?

Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when
they go to movies and concerts?

Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?

What do you say when someone says you're in denial,
but you're not?

If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you
still see?

Have you ever thought what life would be like if your
name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything
nobody wanted credit for?

If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern
hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it
drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it
spin at the equator?

If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and
it ruins a nearby town, do you have to pay for the property
damage?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything,
wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at
50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would
you feel the wind?

Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop
mean the same thing?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not
even crackers...they're cookies?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie
pop?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only
played in the U.S.A & Canada?

Why do old men have hair in their ears?

Why are things typed up but written down?

Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very
end?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked
from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking
faster than the speed of sound?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

What does OK actually mean?

What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when
they are down?

Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?

Why do donuts have holes?

Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?

Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?

If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both
those days?

If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the
rock not hard?

If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says,
"it went downhill from there," how could they both be
having troubles?

Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is
bring pain and suffering?

Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?

If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?

If an anarchist group attained political power, would they
by principle have to dissolve their own government?

If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?

Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders
but have to get it off our chests?

Why does everyone speak different languages and have
different accents if we all originally came from the same place?

Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running
forward?

If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you
being judgmental yourself?

Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the
middle of your body?

How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is
always white?

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

Why do they call them guidance counselors when all
counselors do is offer guidance?

Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is
always over our heels?

Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?

Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't
hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't
smell?

How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?

Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building
in a single bound if he can fly?

Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

How did the headless horseman know where he was going?

Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?

Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you do it you’ll regret it,
if you don’t do it you’ll regret it,
either way your going to regret it,
you might as well just do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"All who wander are not lost." ~~ JRR Tolkien

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"When one door closes another door opens; but we so
often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed
door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. "
~~ Alexander Graham Bell

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"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult
for each other?" ~~ George Eliot

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How Men Change After Marriage:

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why do you
think I proposed?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home
After 6 months: BACK!!
After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone
After 6 months: Here, for you
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: AGAIN!

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch
tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie
After 6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in
the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself

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Dear Abby letters best left unanswered...

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around,
and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied
everything and said it would never happen again.

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must
be crazy.

I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I
think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't
know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Two women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker
in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere
together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment
or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

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Thanks to Mike for these:
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open
heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery
to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions about
how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if
he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."


The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help
you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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What I Want in a Man, Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

And then. . . .What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

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Thanks to my sister for this one:
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a
large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that
said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you
first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution,
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's
cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say
something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home
from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

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