Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 30

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 30 August 1, 2005

Well if you haven't gotten to read about it yet I had
major excitement this weekend, you can read all
about it here:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/bluesbaby-us/

Time for State Fair 2005 with 28 free stages featuring
local artists as well as acts like Pat Benatar, Cheap Trick,
KC & the Sunshine Band, Brian McKnight, and a circus.
There is an abundance of animals including the racing
pigs and the Clydsdale show. Don't forget a cream puff!
http://www.wistatefair.com/home/2005Fair/

Thanks to Mike for the Bulwer/Lytton Fiction Awards
which are hilarious! The contest is a tribute to really bad
writing that consists of an opening sentance to some
REALLY bad prose. They say "By and large the entries
are submitted by serious readers who have a notion
about what is good and bad writing. . . "
http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2005.htm

If you enjoyed that, try the "Lyttony of Grand Winners"
from previous years contests:
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/lyttony.htm


Here is some rainy day fun (if your power will stay on) or
just plain ol' "it's too hot out there" weather can give you
time to kill. The 9th annual Webby Award Winners: http://www.webbyawards.com/webbys/current.php

Webby TV starts today. For more info:
http://www.wired.com/news/digiwood/0,1412,68379,00.html?tw=wn_story_top5

Handy Hints and Tips on a variety of subjects from budget
to decorating to sunburn remedies:
http://www.gardenandhearth.com/

Top 50 Ways to Get Fired
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=404&SectionID=1&LayoutType=1&StoryMonth=7&StoryYear=2005

While you are there check out the fake news:
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=12

Great bookmark from Yahoo, where you can track
packages from all the major carriers: UPS, USPS, DHL,
and Fedex. Mark it now to help you track your holiday
packages later.
http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/resources/bizTools.php

Ever wanted to add a new font? Here is how to and even
some free sources for fonts:
http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/assistance/HA010346601033.aspx

Thanks to Erin for this Supreme Court Extreme Makeover
http://www.prochoiceamerica.org/extreme_makeover/


This one is for the music fans. Blues fans type"hard hitting
blues" in the search to find a series on some of the legends
of the business or just browse through the archives. Also
reviews of films, books, software and TV are available.
http://www.popmatters.com/

Have a secret you are dying to tell? Do it here and it will
still be a secret:
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/


This LA resource is free. Theater, dance, movies, dining :
http://www.calendarlive.com/

Homade games from Oslo:
http://littleoslo.com/eng/game/
http://littleoslo.com/eng/feature/

Thanks to Mike for these:
Have the chicken act like a dog, turn off the lights, etc.
http://www.subservientchicken.com/ (for kids)

http://www.virtualbartender.beer.com/VB1/index.html
(for older kids)

Thanks to Mike for this classic clip (opens RealPlayer or
Windows Media Player)
http://www.hobkirk.clara.net/hobkirkweb/images/chimp.mpeg

This is really cute from Mike:
I noticed that my monitor was not quite as clear as when
I first got it. Apparently the electrons build up on the
inside of the screen with time, and the picture deteriorates.

I found a free program that I used to 'clean' the inside of
the screen and the improvement was quite noticeable. I
highly recommend it. The program is free, works auto-
matically, and takes only about 45 seconds to do its job.
JUST CLICK THIS LINK -
http://www.legrady.hu/sc.html


Remember 6 Degrees of Separation? Try this game:
http://www.cs.virginia.edu/oracle/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's a thin line between Genius and Insanity...That's
where I live, baby!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wrinkle, wrinkle, leave me alone. Go and sliver Sharon
Stone." ~~ The late cabaret singer Hildegard during a
1993 performance at Manhattan's Algonquin Hotel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of
peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said
to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be
necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like most puppies, mine is not finicky about what he puts
in his mouth. He Eats anything. But the day he swallowed
a quarter, I panicked and called the vet.

"What should I do?" I pleaded over the phone.

My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, "Swallowing
a quarter is nothing to worry about. But if he does it again
and a can of pop shoots out of his rear, give me a call."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What You May Not Know 'Bout Noah....

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
"Now I herd everything"

Why did the people on the ark think the horses were
pessimistic?
They kept saying neigh

What animal could Noah not trust?
The cheetah

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights

Who was the first canning factory run by?
Noah - he had a boat full of preserved pairs

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
No, he came forth out of the ark...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Thoughts to Ponder

Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're
standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't
you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside
down to read the directions, and the directions say do not
turn upside down?

Why is a square meal served on round plates?

Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but
why can't we run outside naked?

Why do all superheroes wear spandex?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that
offers a reward, would they get the money?

Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first
man?

If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I
wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?

Why are Pringles curved?

What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?

If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why
do they have belt loops?

Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its
bad to be “under par” in any thing else?

Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"?
Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

Can bald men get lice??

How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?

Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action
when it is a dark scene?

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where
did he keep them?

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same
number of letters?

Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different
forms of water?

Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball
caps?

If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my
height and weight on my driver's license?

How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put
on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you
get something taken off?

Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?

If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile
home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?

If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how
come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?

What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?

If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel
through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the
future?

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Today President Bush met with Palestinian President
Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he
said to Abbas, 'I loved your song, Dancing Queen.'"
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University
of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted
this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they
want."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been
spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I
caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-
up mirror to see what time it was." ~~ Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-
lifts until my ears meet." ~~ Rita Rudner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A ragged individual stranded for months on a small desert
island in the middle of the Pacific one day noticed a bottle
lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the
bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands
withdrew the message. "Due to lack of activity," he read,
"we have regretfully found it necessary to cancel your
e-mail account."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful
examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to
choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the
doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down
his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his
throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. The
doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after
the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Rick for this one:
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the
morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk idiot asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"Are you kidding? Hell, no! It's three o'clock in the morning
and it's pouring rain outside!!"

His wife says, "Can't you remember three months ago
when the car broke down and those two nice guys helped
us? I think you should help this man, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!"

The husband does as he is told (of course) gets dressed
and goes out into the soaking night. He calls out into the
darkness, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes, I sure am," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls the husband, peering
into the rain.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this Charles Schultz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz,
the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't
have to actually answer the questions. Just read
the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer
Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for
best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.


How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of
yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They
are the best in their fields. But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish. Achievement are forgotten. Accolades
and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through
school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a
difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something
worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel
appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference
in your life are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones
that care.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains
of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had
nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the
farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that
he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father,
"Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer "needs a
place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in
the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared
him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing
disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she
went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested
that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle
of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return
for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up
and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he
left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor
was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without
even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate
love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the
house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up
the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm
going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside,
cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
4.Puffy Mid-Section
5.People Make me Sick
6.ProvideMe withSweets
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff

......and my favorite one..

13.Potential Murder Suspect

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MONEY
It can buy a house.... but not a home
It can buy a bed.... but not sleep
It can buy a clock..... but not time
It can buy a book.... but not knowledge
It can buy a position..... but not respect
It can buy medicine.... but not health
It can buy blood.... but not life
It can buy sex..... but not love
Money isn't everything......... and it often causes pain
and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your
Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL
CHECKS, CASHIERS CHECKS, BAGS OF GOLD,
BARS OF PLATINUM, ETC.

PLEASE: NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS.
THEY WILL BE RETURNED.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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