Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 33

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 33 August 22, 2005



Anti-war protestor Cindy Sheehan, whose soldier son
Casey was killed in Iraq, is down in Crawford TX calling
for Bush's "impeachment," . . .Also, Cindy Sheehan isn't
paying her taxes. "My son was killed in 2004. I am not
paying my taxes for 2004. You killed my son, George
Bush, and I don't owe you a penny...you give my son
back and I'll pay my taxes. Come after me (for back
taxes) and we'll put this war on trial."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20050813/ts_alt_afp/usiraq

Cindy's website:
http://www.meetwithcindy.org/


No matter if you are pro or con regarding Hillary this is
just plain funny. Thanks Erin!
http://www.michaelhodges.com/hillary.html


Well it's the final push in the back to school
marathon so here are some sites to help:
http://www.smartbargains.com/
http://www.overstock.com/

Some cool sites on organization
http://www.ismckenzie.com/archives.html
http://www.getorganizednow.com/
http://blog.simplehuman.com/

There are products to help you organize
http://www.simplehuman.com/
http://www.pilecabinet.com/
http://www.homedepot.com/
look under installation services

ChangeDetect is a FREE service that saves your favorite
web pages, monitors content for changes and sends an
automatic email notification to you whenever your web
pages are updated.
http://www.changedetect.com/


Free Pool lessons online
http://freepoollessons.com/lessons/index.shtml


Super list of websites with recipes for your favorite
brand name products:
http://www.picknsave.com/htmdocs/recipes/recipe_list.html

More great recipes:
http://www.txbeef.org/recipe_book.php3

Neat map site with ariel photos available for your "map"
http://www.multimap.com/map/home.cgi?client=public&lang=&advanced=&db=US

Clear answers to common questions on a wide range of
topics: home and garden, technology, health, cooking,
history, animals, and art. Don't forget their link page.
http://www.wisegeek.com/

Where all the mad scientists go to spread their love of
science. Find out the strange but true at this scientific
amusement park :
http://www.ratlab.co.uk/


Showing exactly what is wrong with subtitles, is this site
with English to Chinese to English translation of Star
Wars Revenge of the Sith (pretty silly)
http://www.winterson.com.nyud.net:8090/2005/06/episode-iii-backstroke-of-west.html



This is one of the best examples I have ever seen of
Murphy's Law (and I see its from Ireland too)
http://community-2.webtv.net/@HH!3B!01!109A6273ED6D/Babajani1/MurphysLaw/

Found this here on Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blues

Pretty much fun to poke around in (reading). Don't
forget the archives. Just silly satire.
http://www.obvious.fsnet.co.uk/index.htm

Well I was going to avoid the new Burger King promo
as tasteless (much like some of their food)
http://www.coqroq.com/
until I saw this news article:
http://www.canada.com/entertainment/music/story.html?id=3a184280-86c8-4393-baeb-7ff4b52ed612

Online tutorials on beading:
http://www.firemountaingems.com/pbs/

On to the chuckles:
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Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

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hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

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ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

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Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.

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More Thoughts to Ponder:

Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before
we can put pasta into the water?

If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward
money?

Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and
green the traditional colors?

Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes?
Wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?

If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it
falling down?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?

Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they
bring us a bill?

How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but
beer does?

When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?

If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin
your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your
appetite for dessert?

Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?

Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river"
come second (Mississippi River)?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more
electricity?

What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet
at the same time?

Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody
turns the lights on?

If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you
were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what
day would you die?

If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it
still a car accident?

If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they
pay half price?

If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does
that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they
fire you? (the answer to this boys and girls is yes)

If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get
up early for church?

When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when
your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when
your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?

Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only"
doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and
say "employees of this place only"?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?

If the police see some one committing a crime but are on
their way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the
one they were on their way to?

Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have
a girlfriend?

Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?

If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on
your head always white?

If a table is propped up can it be propped down?

If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...
is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with
creatures made by the Devil?

Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?

How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has
a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent?
They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been
raised in the same place?

Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bullet-
proof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim
for their head or crotch?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but
stealing from many is research?

Can you fart and burp at the same time?

How come we choose from just two people for President
and fifty for Miss America?

Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?

If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters,
would there kids be identical?

If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming
down the road...what would you do if there were a funeral
coming down both sides?

If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-
drive lawnmowers around at a hardware store?

Is there anything easier done than said?

Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?

Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend
legless people?

If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still
play?

Are you able to fart in heaven?

Why isn't sour cream really sour?

Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away
and get new ones?

The people using them wouldn’t care anyway?

Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Do ducks sneeze?

Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top,
but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?

Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub
dub, three men in a tub?

Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of
the afternoon?

Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?

If money is the root of all evil then how come churches
ask for it?

Can vampires donate blood?

If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another
fire, which fire would it go to?

If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall
through the floor?

How come when you go in the front door of a church, you
are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back
door, you would end up in the front of the church?

If your named Will and you are in the army do you get
worried when people say fire at will?

Why is there an L in NOEL?

If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it
taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?

Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?

What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces
called?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you
supposed to throw the top one away?

If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a
whistle?

Do fish ever get thirsty?

Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?

If there were a knowledge contest, would the female
winner be called Miss Informed?

If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they
stick on?

Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?

On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger
than the bottom one?

Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad
luck when seven is a lucky number??

Can angels eat devils food cake?

If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the
numbers on the calculator go the other way?

Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?

Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?

Is bad a bad word?

If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?

What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?

Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to
operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for
CHILDREN!?

Why do they call front seat shotgun?

Why are all farms red?

Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?

Why are there dents in a golf ball?

Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the
newspaper?

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'.
Coincidence? I think not?

What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier
in the same room?

Are one handed people offended when police tell them to
put their hands up?

If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you
went back would the parts you use dissapear because they
didn't exist then?

How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the
same time?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who
do you complain to?

Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come
in jars?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture
of a thousand words worth?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all
the money go?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the
rabbit?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where
do you tell them to go?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a
coffin?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on
their signs?

What do mermaids eat?

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged
with battery?

If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's
possible?

Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?

If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely
around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught
by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?

If a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck
are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?

Why are all farms red?

Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks
aren't?

Are there female leprechauns?

Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?

Do fish sleep?

Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster than
the speed of light?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the
place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to
break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone
would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese
man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts
at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord!"

Stevie then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about
10 minutes. The little old man jumps up again and
shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

Stevie dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his
band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the
place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu
show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz
chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem
to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from
the stage "OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold
of the mike and starts to sing........ "A jazz chord to say
I ruv you...!!"

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A blond is driving down an old country road when she
happens to see another blond sitting in the middle of a
corn field in a row boat. Becoming very angry with this
the blond pulls her car over and jumps out."Ya know its
blonds like you that give the rest of us a bad name. If I
could swim I would come out there and kick your butt."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local
Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs
out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from
a gas station, so she got out of the car and quickly walked
there.

At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a
quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and
drive it over to fill it up. The attendent told her that he
only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else.

She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would
look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she
got back to the the car, the only suitable container that she
found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold
a quart of gas.

She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent
filled it with gas. The nun got back to her car and started
to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car.

Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of
the men said to the other "If that car starts, I'll be
converting to catholicism forever!"

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Two blondes are walking down the street, one stops and
picks up a mirror laying on the ground. She looks at it for
a few minutes while they continue their journey then says
to her friend "Hey...this looks like someone I know."

The other blonde snatches it from her, looks into it, and
after a few seconds says..."Oh it's me you idiot !!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Odd facts:
Googal is a number. (1 followed by 100 zeros)

The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters in it
(H K L M N P W A E I O U)

Strawberries contain more vitamin c than oranges.

Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to
eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin
with. Celery has about 6 calories per 8-inch stalk .
(So if I eat enough of it I can have a cream puff?)

The Caspian Sea is actually a lake.

The first country to use postcards was Austria.

The South Pole has no sun for 182 days every year.

In 1634, Tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.

Add up opposite sides of a dice cube (it's always 7.)

Giraffes have no vocal cords.

There are 18 different animal shapes in the animal
crackers zoo.

Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons.

Children grow faster in Spring.

Hair lightens in a heatwave. It is made up of blue, yellow
and red pigments, and blue is the weakest. The heat from
the sun causes the scales on the hair shaft to lift and these
weaker blue molecules become damaged. The hair is left
with a lighter, bleached colour from the yellow and red
molecules that are left behind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Age does not protect you from love. But love,
to some extent, protects you from age." ~~ Anais Nin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush is on his vacation Crawford, Texas. He
says he'll leave only when Crawford is capable of self rule."
~~ Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in the Day
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when
they were growing up.

What with walking twenty-five miles to school every
morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards
carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their
one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight
-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the
local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour
just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up
there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about
how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't
help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've
got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live
in a Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how
good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't
have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we
had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write some-
body a letter, with a pen! And then you had to walk all
the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and
it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to
steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift
it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off
the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning
and mess it all up!


You want to hear about hardship? We didn't have fancy
stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we
didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could
be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you just didn't
know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances,
mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation
videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders"
and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to
use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels
or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could
never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster
until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such
thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same
height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his
hairstyle!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was
only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out
what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get
cartoons on Saturday morning...

D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have
got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't last five
minutes back in 1984!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lizard is crawling through the jungle late one afternoon
when he stops and sniffs the air,

"Mmmmmm" says the lizard "that smells like pot burning"

He looks skyward and there in a tree above him is a small
monkey smoking a reefer.

"Hey " says the lizard"Hey "replies the monkey

"What are you doing" says the lizard

"Oh I'm smoking some pot, wanna join me?" says the
monkey,

"Sure "replies the lizard.

So the lizard climbs up onto the branch and together the
monkey and he share the joint.



After a while the lizard looks at the monkey and exclaims..

"Hell my mouth is sooo dry I'm gonna get a drink of water
but I'll be back so save me some of the joint"

"Nooo worries says the monkey"

The lizard jumps down and heads to a nearby waterhole,
he gets lost, trips over and is falling about laughing by the
time he reaches the waterhole.

From the reeds a crocodile is watching...the croc slithers
in and up to where the lizard is laughing and chatting to
himself...


"Hey" says the croc... the lizard, startled, nearly jumps
out of his skin.

"What have you been up to?" inquires the croc

The lizard recovering from his fright replies"Oh I've been
up that tree over there smoking pot with the monkey"

"Cool.. I wouldn't mind a puff,think I'll go over and pay
him a visit" So the croc slithers off through the jungle to
the base of the tree, where the monkey sits puffing away.

"Hey " says the croc looking up at the monkey, the
monkey looks down midway through a puff, sees the
croc and says "WOW MAN... HOW MUCH WATER DID
YOU DRINK?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public
Accountant to help small shop owners manage their
finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:
FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the ChristianWorld.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

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Bush is my shepherd;
I dwell in want.

He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace
for his ego's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control,
they discomfort me.

Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence
of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.


Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me
all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

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