Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 37

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 37 September 19, 2005


Boy it's a grey and gloomy Monday here but after such
a great weekend who can complain? We took the little
guys to the beach and had a great time swimming. Who
knows, that may well be the last time this year! Sigh!


Global warming accelerating out of control?
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_technology/article312997.ece


Awesome site with reviews on free email services, free
online file storage, free photo albums and much more
http://www.emailaddresses.com/

Online free short course in digital photography
http://www.shortcourses.com/

Free computer manuals for any operating system
http://help-site.com/



More and more free video content available everywhere:
http://guide.real.com/

Search engines safe for kids
http://www.yahooligans.com/
http://www.aol.com/netfind/kids/
http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/KidsClick!/

Speaking of kids, how many times have you wondered
what that rash could be? Here are pictures for all ages
but a special section on children's diseases is offered:
http://www.lib.uiowa.edu/hardin/md/index.html

A NASA site for kids
http://kids.msfc.nasa.gov/

Classic short stories
http://www.classicshorts.com/links.html

States, capitals, geography online for the US:
http://www.50states.com/

For the older kids: Chiefs of State and Cabinet Members
of Foreign Governments
http://www.odci.gov/cia/publications/chiefs/

American Fact Finder from the Census Bureau
http://factfinder.census.gov/home/saff/main.html?_lang=en

CIA World Fact Book - like a world geography lesson
http://www.odci.gov/cia/publications/factbook/index.html

Do you have an invention to patent? Here are free starter
kits for inventors:
http://www.patentcafe.com/

Nifty site giving zip+4 for any valid USPS address
http://www.cedar.buffalo.edu/adserv.html

Ever wonder what the weather is really like? Look at
a weather camera near you:
http://instacam.com/default.asp

Look at how a site used to be, visit the WayBack Machine
http://www.archive.org/web/web.php

More on internet history
http://www.isoc.org/internet/history/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Courage is the greatest of all the virtues. Because if you
haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use
any of the others." ~~ Samuel Johnson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Every time I learn something new it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home
wine making course and forgot how to drive."
~~ Homer Simpson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"All that is gold does not glitter;
not all those that wander are lost." ~~ J. R. R. Tolkien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The secret of being boring is to tell everything."
~~ Voltaire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get
us out?" ~~ Will Rogers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you
walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
~~ Sue Murphy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO!
1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and
Dr. Demento.
2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come
in different colors with little "M's" on them.
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.
6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left
when you enter the trailer park."
7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your
surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave robbing.
8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of
coverage is "an apple a day".
11.“Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges" is not a typo..
12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct
tape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while
his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog
was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little
Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he
could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor
and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you
play something the dog doesn't know?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mandy had a puppy on a leash. She met Sandy and said,
"I just got this puppy for my little brother."

"Really?" said Sandy. "Who'd you find to make a swap
like that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:

You wake up face down on the pavement

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the
candles

Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her
own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last
night's party - and there aren't any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency
routes out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and
then realize that you don't have a waterbed

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway

You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat

You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked
in the back of your pantyhose

Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to
flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"

You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light,
you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search
for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.

You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you
realize that you're driving the van this week

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be An Accountant If...

at the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.

you consider it normal not to see your spouse or children
from February to April 15th.

you decide to change your name to a symbol and you
choose the double underline "=========="

you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses"

you had no idea that GAP was also a clothing store

you have a petty cash box at home and actually refer to
it as such

you know what the acronym MACRS stands for.

you refer to your child as Deduction 214 3.

your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill
out the guest comment card.

you've ever made a joke about a double-entry bookkeeping
method.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be A Computer Nerd If ...

your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to
dinner

you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

your wrist watch has more computing power than a
486DX-50

you want an 48X CDROM for Christmas

Dilbert is your hero

you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

you stare at an orange juice container because it says
CONCENTRATE

the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

your idea of good interpersonal communication means
getting the decimal point in the right place

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be a Dog Person If ...

you can't see out the passenger side of the windshield
because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

you carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all
times.

you have baby gates permanently installed at strategic
places around the house, but no babies.

you have little songs that you sing to your dog, and
she always wags when you sing, even though you can't
carry a tune.

you like people who like your dog. You despise people
who don't.

your bedroom door has a doggie door

you put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be
comfortable.

your dog owns more clothing and toys than your neighbor's
children

you sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards
from your dog.

you decide you might have kids so the dog will have
playmates

you talk about your dog the way other people talk about
their kid.

you tell your relatives you aren't coming unless the dogs
are invited, too

you'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your
dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

you care more about getting your dog's supper ready on
time than your spouse's.

your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you

you make your significant other sleep on the couch
because there isn't enough room for the three of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Might Be A Musician If...

you walk around conducting the Verdi Requiem, Dvorak
Requiem, Bruckner e-minor Mass, Beethoven 7, etc., and
wonder why people are looking at you funny.

you know Tchaikovsky's full name AND all its spellings.
you have played more instruments than the average
person can name.

you own more in sheet music than in CDs

you can define the difference between a sonata and a
concerto.

you know 101 jokes involving either violas, French horns,
or percussionists.

you know any jokes about players of any other specific
instruments.

your phone is unplugged for 2 hours or more a day so you
can practice.

you actually cheered on the marching band in high school.

you have ever played anything by Bela Bartok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes and Comments from and about Bosses

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to
blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work:
The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we
hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because
it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I
see as a protective barrier."

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth
would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for
recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary
tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss
walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a
task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if
I ever gave you the impression your input would have any
effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate:
"I see you've had no computer training. Although that
qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry:
"We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we
won't start interviewing candidates for that position
until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words of Wisdom and Observations on Life

Men and women will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.

A person is as big as the things that make him angry.

In every organization there will be one person who knows
what is going on....This person must be fired.

Everything depends.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than
a thin person.

Remember, pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in
charge.

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed
if you don't try.

If you love what you do you'll never work another day in
your life.

The best angle from which to approach any problem is the
try-angle.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Common sense is not that common.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays, it insists on it.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
discarded.

Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object
to realize that you are in a hurry.

Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Observation: The user does not know what he wants until
he sees what he gets.

Observation: Logic is a systematic method of coming to
the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Observation: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion
to its value.

Observation: When you are over the hill, you begin to
pick up speed.

Observation: A carelessly planned project will take
three times longer to complete than expected; a very
carefully planned project will take only twice as long.

Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well
as, afterward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Thanks to Mike for these:

Supposedly, these are actual quotes taken from Federal
Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere
of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy
to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other
is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other
sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe
of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot
of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to
laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's
wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also from Mike (stern look at him)
The World's Shortest and Best Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and
hunting and drank a lot of beer whenever he wanted.

THE END

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