Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 35

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 35 September 7, 2005

Sorry this is coming so late but the kids were here from
the east coast for a long weekend, the grandkids were
around and we had a big party. Between some computer
issues and trying to get organized again yesterday I just
couldn't get this done any sooner. Since my sister arrives
Friday for a long weekend I will not publish again till next
Wednesday the 14th.


MoveOn members and others have offered over 150,000
beds to those displaced by Hurricane Katrina. But with
more than a million displaced, those spots will be snapped
up. If you have space available, even if you're nowhere
near New Orleans, you can still help as survivors are
relocated. If you have an extra bed or even a couch to
offer, click here:
http://www.hurricanehousing.org

Erin suggests Autism cares will coordinate support for
the unique needs of affected families dealing with autism,
by connecting families and professionals who can provide
resources with needy families.
http://www.talkautism.org/

Second Harvest will take food, time or cash donations to
feed the hungry:
http://www.secondharvest.org/

Periodically I post links to the Hunger Site where your
click turns into food with the help of their sponsors:
http://www.thehungersite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites


Apparently Hell has frozen over since Pat Buchanan is
calling for a Bill of Impeachment on Bush:
http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=46019

"In 2001, FEMA warned that a hurricane striking New
Orleans was one of the three most likely disasters in the
U.S. But the Bush administration cut New Orleans flood
control funding by 44 percent to pay for the Iraq war."
http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,372455,00.html

Here are some alternative meanings to the ancronym
FEMA:
Finally exceeded management ability
Federally excused muscle-bound assistance
Fearful executives mean anarchy
Far-flung extreme macho activity
Financial experiments make atrocity


I found several outstanding stories on New Orleans: this
one tells how rich and poor banded together.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050905/D8CDRMSG2.html

For more the NY Times is full of them, try Frank
Rich or Anne Rice, Maureen Dowd or Bob Herbert here:
http://www.nytimes.com/gst/mostemailed.html?type=1&period=7

To check the local gas prices near you:
http://www.gasbuddy.com/


Every year Beloit College releases a Mindset List covering
the new freshmen. This serves as a reminder to the staff
that frames of reference change. I'm sure you have seen
one of these lists in the past but here is the new one for
the Class of 2009:
http://www.beloit.edu/~pubaff/mindset/

Still plenty of summer concerts left, so check out what's
coming to your area:
http://www.aoltickets.com/feature.adp?zip=&brand=aolboxoffice&id=summerconcerts_national

Great templates for everything from greeting cards to
schedules to fundraisers and wedding planning even
some for Microsoft programs (Excel, Word, Power Point,
Publisher, and Front Page.)
http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/templates/default.aspx

Listen to live radio online from BBC Radio 4 or free trial
on podcasting (complete with podcasting software)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/

Well we all love Google, Gmail is not only handy but forced
the size of your email storage to increase with whatever
web client (Hotmail, Yahoo, Myway, Excite, etc.) you use
but now there are more new additions to their software:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/25/technology/circuits/25pogue.html

Only for windows users
http://www.google.com/downloads/

If you haven't looked you might be surprised by all that
Google has to offer (specialized searches, a chance to beta
test in Google Labs, Blogger, Picassa for Pictures, Earth
to explore the planet, translate web pages, and more).
http://www.google.com/intl/en/options/


Interesting section on Creationism vs. Intelligent Design
vs. Evolution from the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/evolution


If you think it isn't made any more, check with Lehman's
before you give up. Originating as a store for the simple
life needs of the Amish, then expanding to sell overseas
to missionaries and doctors, then as energy became more
costly to those who wanted a more self sufficiant home.
Not the cheapest place to find some of these items but a
wonderful idea place for becoming more energy wise.
http://www.lehmans.com/index.jsp

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Fashions fade, style is eternal." ~~ Yves Saint Laurent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying
on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, You know, I
could throw a $1,000.00 bill out of the window right now
and make somebody very happy.

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied I could throw
ten $100.00 bills out of the window and make ten people
very happy.

Cheney added, That being the case, I could throw one
hundred $10.00 bills out of the window and make a
hundred people very happy.

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said
to his co-pilot, "such big-shots back there. Hell, I could
throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million
people very happy".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they
high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you
Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to
the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little
quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."

- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once
said..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this:
Old age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life,
the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my
body! I sometime despair over my body ... all the
wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.
And often I am taken aback by that old person that
lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those
things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful
life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flat
belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself,
and less critical of myself. I've become my own
friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra
cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that
silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so
avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat,
to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many
dear friends leave this world too soon; before they
understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on
the computer until 4 a.m, and sleep until noon?


I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of
the 60's and 70's

and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost
love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched
over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with
abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances
from the bikini set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.

But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten ...
and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken

How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one,
or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets
hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength
and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken
is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of
being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair
turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched
into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed,
and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive.
You care less about what other people think.

I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old.
It has set me free.

I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here,

I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or
worrying about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day.

Author unknown!


Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this one:

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how
was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where
your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it
was too late to hit the delete button, nine months
later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Can blind people see their dreams?

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception
to that rule?

Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least
130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it
doesn't work anymore?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?

If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do
it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all
masochist?

Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?

If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow",
when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"

Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions
and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?

Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when
we keep worthless junk in the garage?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of
they skating rings?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be
leaving a dump?

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty
is an egg?

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens
chained to the counter?

What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an
Immovable Object?

What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw
hamburgers?

How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

How can you hear yourself think?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did
they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones
Christmas?

If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman
there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million
stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells
you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to
make sure?

If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making
marmalade?

Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to
put in your two cents worth?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light
- how fast is a moving light?

Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a
Momma's boy?

How can something be new and improved? if it's new,
what was it improving on?

Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the
loom?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line
registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and
Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

How does Santa get into a house that doesn't have a
chimney?

If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who
do you complain to?

If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you
tell them to go?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?

Why are turds pinched off at the end?

I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be
underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her
friends?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out
of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few
times, does he become disoriented?

How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?

What would you use to dilute water?

What should one call a male ladybird?

How can military troops be deployed if they have never
been ployed to begin with?

If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians
government, where would they send you?

Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the
hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your a**?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling
Movie! Movie!?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so,
how could you treat them?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he
sticks his head out the window!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite
a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as
hell another?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How come you press harder on a remote control when
you know the battery is dead?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking
empty?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work
in the mornings?

How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so
you're never in darkness?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a
sound?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?

If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a
sound and would anyone care?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter
butler?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or
a lemon called a yellow?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it
was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it
down on?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't
grow in it?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
there locks on the doors?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home,
why not move 10 miles away?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station
is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on
my desk?

If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case
of the applause?

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always
lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied
buttered bread on top of a cat?

If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe
him?

If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?

If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned
on your radio would you be able to hear it?

If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash
his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
UP?

If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep
doing it?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make
TEFLON stick to the pan?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
have to drown too?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of
congress?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix
it with?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
herself, is it considered a hostage situation? If superglue
is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he
has the right to remain silent?

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged
with battery?

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic,
wouldn't they call you first?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with
their lights off?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines
be shaped differently?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair
of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?

If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's
license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without
getting wet?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,
would the driver end up owing you money?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it?

If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends
Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for
them?

If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that
says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear",
how can that be possible?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something
keep going wrong?

If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime
for a neighbor, will he complain?

If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you
go back in time?

If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know
when you're done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you take a shower, where do you put it?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty
litter?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read
correctly?

If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would
they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

Is there a Dr. Salt?

Isn't hot water already hot?

Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience
cocoons in their stomach?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?

What came first the chicken or the egg?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?

What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal
that eats only endangered plants?

What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits
foot?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a
bald man?

What happened to the first 6 ups?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

What is the speed of dark?

What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal
that is eating an endangered plant?

What's another word for synonym?

When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know
when they are done wiping their butt?

When people lose weight, where does it go?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on
their signs?

When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever
tempted to eat themselves?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant
to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does
he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you
pack it in?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Who invented accents?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an
"s" in it?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book
publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there?

Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company
painted orange?

Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing
room?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead
of parachutes?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the
sudden stop?

Why aren't there bulletproof pants?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to
the light side of the Force?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop
eventually?

Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band
sound like?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside
down?

Why do guys wear underpants?

Why do people who only eat natural foods drink
decaffeinated coffee?

Why is the blackboard green?

Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls
come in packs of 10?

What do you call male ballerinas?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair
lighter?

If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you
come out with your feet
first?

Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black
stripes?

If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop"
why do they come with a resealable lid?

Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The math teacher saw that one of his students wasn't
paying attention in class. So she called on him and said,
"Bobby What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

She was surprised and not prepared for his quick answer,
"CBS, NBC, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet
dachshund when a passerby asked him "why in the world
he would buy such an "uncowboy-like" dog.

The cowboy answered, "somebody told me to get along
little doggie."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a
donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked ,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of
Enron

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's
heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally
stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged because since
you were able to jump in and save the life of another
patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there
to dry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness
by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they
had been traveling in circles. "We're lost!" One of the
hikers complained. "And you said you were the best
guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have
wandered into Canada."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Vicki for this one:

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came
upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the
other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me
the strength to cross the river."


Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was
able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost
drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God,
please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong
legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after
almost capsizing.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and
the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map,
hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across
the bridge.

GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS
A GOOD LAUGH...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for this from

Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling
through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping
that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news
96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot
in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's
"too spendy", you might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through
March, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out
of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't
work there, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard
of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you
might live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with
someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha,
Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might
live in Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a
dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-
blue waters", ....you might live in Wisconsin.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor on the Highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the
weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than
once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
and back again.
6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on
Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during
a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events
(including weddings and funerals ).
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and
venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or
girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at
Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes
are filled with snow.
15. You refer to the Packers as "we."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter and road construction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You know how to polka.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer
next to your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Illinois.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday
27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."
30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward
them to all your Wisconsin friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these Words
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone
layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
(What a delightful word! This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action!

Dopeller effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed
just after you've accidentally walked through a spider
web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an
as*shole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these quotes:

Inside every older lady is a younger lady wondering
what in the world happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But
I can usually shut her up with cookies. -Rita Rudner

The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of
them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get
worse. -Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car. -Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first
being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must
do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother"is redundant. -Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in
through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as
men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not
difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several
days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to
be a horrible warning. -Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids
for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing
loss. And they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing
them. -Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride
on. -Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.. -Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you
want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man,
I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally thanks to Sheila for these
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Preliminary
2. Constitution
3. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Proliferation
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO
SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more for me.
3. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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