Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 36

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 36 September 14, 2005

It's always great to have the family here but I'm always
glad to be back to the usual routine too. It feels like a
Monday to me (I wonder why?) Next week back to my
usual Monday publishing day probably till the holidays.


Another gas price website
http://www.gaspricewatch.com/new/

There is something seriously wrong when the Pledge of
Allegiance is un Constitutional in America
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/09/14/D8CK6JOG4.html

Clearinghouse for pics and info on kids separated from
during and after Katrina
http://www.missingkids.com

What you can do to avoid the scams
http://money.cnn.com/2005/09/06/pf/saving/willis_tips/index.htm

Satellite images of NOLA
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2005/hurricanes/interactive/fullpage.nola.flood/katrina.html

FEMA Dragging their feet in removal of bodies?
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/09/13/D8CJHQPG0.html

More fumbling and bumbling
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/06/katrina.charleston/

Now that the waters are receding it's time to consider
the financial disaster of Katrina from Financial Times
http://www.ft.com/hurricane

New Orleans website for info from the horse's mouth
http://www.nola.com/


A test for early Alzheimer's detection
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050911/NEWS06/509110378/1012/NEWS06


With less time than ever for dinner since school has started
here are suggestions to help make dinner planning easier
http://www.meals.com/Recipes/Top10FavoriteRecipes.aspx



Thanks to Andrea for this Zen like site that depicts a very
relaxed woman floating down through space bouncing off
bubbles. You can use your mouse to shift her during her
descent which seems to be endless.
http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf


This site aims to raise interest in wildlife and wildlands
while promoting awareness of environmental issues. For
any age with simple explanations about some of the most
remote areas with fabulous pics, it's a fun exploration.
http://www.mongabay.com/



Wow 50 free 4 x 6 digital prints for signing up here. Check
out their gallery of photos too!
https://www.dotphoto.com/join.asp?source=50mfreeprints


Do you have motion sickness at times? Take RealAge
Motion Sickness Assessment to find new strategies
to prevent or manage symptoms:
http://www.realage.com/reg/regassess.aspx?mod=MOTSCK


A digital library of health information
http://www.vh.org/

The online book page: over 20,000 books on the web
http://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/

The internet public library
http://www.ipl.org/reading/books/

or the Virtual Library
http://vlib.org/

Classic short stories
http://www.bnl.com/shorts/

If you are looking for something on the internet, we all
have our favorite search engine but sometimes that is
not what you need. Instead try some basic resource sites.
Here are my favorites:
http://www.refdesk.com/
http://www.alphadictionary.com/
http://www.wordwizard.com/
http://nilesonline.com/data/
http://www.beliefnet.com/



Dictionary of smileys
http://www.cg.tuwien.ac.at/~helwig/smileys.html

Searchable database of acronyms
http://www.acronymfinder.com/


Free web tutorial from basic knowledge to peripherals
http://www.webteacher.org/windows.html



Ever wonder what that rash is and answers to other
pediatric questions
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/index.asp

Pics for what's that rash
http://dermis.multimedica.de/index_e.htm


If you are moving or buying a home check out this site
for helpful information:
http://www.homefair.com/homefair/readart.html?art=articleIndex

Resource for traveling with dogs:
http://www.dogfriendly.com/


On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The future is not what it used to be. ~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of
your life. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there
have always been times like these. ~~ Paul Harvey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keep a diary, and someday it'll keep you. ~~ Mae West

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life
in your own way. ~~ Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More thoughts to Ponder

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all
stuck together?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-
up ATM?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we have hot water heaters?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a
suitcase?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we
are already there?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we
use them?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same
thing?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but
a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part
it is named after?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open it's not adoor?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called
a "near miss"?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the
same?

Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why is there an eject button on the remote? Don't you
have to get up to get to the tape?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is
the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before
getting out of the water?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used
on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of
the same substance?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?

How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when
real hippos are brown?

Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice
is higher? Even when you have a low voice?

Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?

Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being
qualified as cold?

At what temperature does it qualify as hot?

If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would
you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?

Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?

Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-
to-earth at the same time?

If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured
would they remember that they forgot?

If you died with braces on would they take them off?

Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're
always covered with sheets?

If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party,
is it considered karaoke?

If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count
as one or two players?

Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?

Do cows have calf muscles?

How come French fries are not considered a vegetable,
they are just deep fried potatoes?

Do babies produce more spit than adults?

Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
~~ Marilyn Monroe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Karma means you don't get away with nothin'."
~~ Ruth Denison

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps
keep order - bad theory. And it's not even a new idea;
I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930's, but it
was hard to understand, because the narration was in
German." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"White people got no business playing the blues ever.
At all. Under any circumstances. What do white people
have to be blue about? Banana Republic ran out of
khakis? The espresso machine is jammed?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"White people ought to understand . . . their job is to
give people the blues, not to get them. And certainly
not to sing or play them! I'll tell you a little secret
about the blues: It's not enough to know which notes
to play, you have to know why they need to be played."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" Editor: One who sorts the wheat from the chaff and
prints the chaff." ~~ Adlai Stevenson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout
brings a race horse with him to add to the starting
lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring
that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat.
At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets
down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs
his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate.


Astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move.

The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the
horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the
manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at
Belmont!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer
to entertain my customers. After several performances,
I discovered the drummer had walked away with some
of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who
knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer
you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied.

My friend paused for a second and asked, "How badly
did he play?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oneliners

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall
Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
-- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base
Kadena, Japan

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're
on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the
ocean than submarines in the sky." -- From an old
carrier sailor

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene of
the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and
pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws
up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to
successfully complete the flight."

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight
bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something
was forgotten."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime." -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-
Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when
it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

The school should pay me to skip class.
Call it a "tuition refund", if you will.

A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.

I was wondering where my boomerang had landed --
and then it came to me.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

Scars: Tattoos with better stories.

Loved are the ones who are told of their faults in private.

A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.

Look after your wife; never mind yourself--
she'll look after you.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Say nothing . . . often.

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously
never had one.

Everything is always okay in the end.
If it's not, it's not the end.

You non-conformists are all alike.

Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for
5,765 years.

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're
in hot water.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son
of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba,
who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from
the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Toshiba who said
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed.
Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it
than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she
heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs
of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at
the end of each day's conference.


Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In
'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so
pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."


Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we
brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the King of
them all, gimme a Bud."


Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer,
verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of Beers,
danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would
ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement
written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are
you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin',
then neither am I".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of
popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this
recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly
cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. baking chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________________
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back
of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open
and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally from Erin this sad news in Crawford, Texas
A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library
of President George W. Bush. The fire began in the
presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.
Both of his books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was
devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the
second one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
link or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back
issues to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.