Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 39

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 39 October 3, 2005

With the 19th and 20th storm brewing in the Atlantic
here is Hurricane coverage from CNN
http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2005/hurricanes/


Well it's getting to be that time of year when a scarey
story is appropriate, so here is the first Halloween link
http://www.notweird.com/


Not only the winners of the 2005 Webby Awards are
great sites but the nominees are awesome too!
http://www.webbyawards.com/webbys/current.php


Style Your Own Hair
http://www.styleyourownhair.com/

Fantasy Wedding Hairstyles
http://www.weddinghairstyles.org/


Whirling Dervishes
http://www.lesartsturcs.com/whirling_dervishes/


Abbreviations and Acronyms of the U.S. Government
http://www.ulib.iupui.edu/subjectareas/gov/docs_abbrev.html


The Dependable Renegade (antibush) Blog
http://derenegade.blogspot.com/


Test your typing skills.
http://typera.tk/index.cws

Then go to the typing tutor:
http://www.typeonline.co.uk/


What better time than the beginning of the year for
this insight on doing a research paper
http://www.ri.net/schools/East_Greenwich/research.html


More academic tips
http://www.academictips.org/

Great Quizzes from Encarta
http://encarta.msn.com/encnet/features/quiz/


A selection of useful places on the net on writers and
poets, on libraries, publishers and booksellers, both of
new and second hand/antiquarian books."
http://www.xs4all.nl/~pwessel/


For pre and beginning readers a site from a teacher
with 30 years experience
http://www.theschoolbell.com/


A - Z information and parenting resources
http://topics-az.parenthood.com/


All about the women exploring the world:
http://www.femexplorers.com/

A collection of Royal Naval Warship Photographs from
the Mid 1800’s to the 21st Century
http://www.navyphotos.co.uk/


Awesome photo blog
http://photo-a-day.blogspot.com/2005/09/tonights-amazing-wedding.html



More photos of exotic cars:
http://exoticspotter.com/


"A surreal display of flowers on such a scale and
magnitude not seen anywhere else on earth."
http://www.feralflowers.com/front.html


Montage-a-google is a simple web-based app that uses
Google's image search to generate a large gridded
montage of images based on keywords (search terms)
entered by the user.
http://grant.robinson.name/projects/montage-a-google/


Tips on scanning and adding pics to emails
http://www.scantips.com/



LMAO scroll down to view "Things to do while your
co-workers are on vacation dated 9-23-05
http://ihatethenyer.blogspot.com/

Stunning new dresses on Ugly Dress
http://www.uglydress.com/


There are pen and ink drawings on this blog
http://lightningstudio.blogspot.com/


Indian Puppetry
http://www.puppetryindia.org/


Stories, editorials, photography, and current event
items focusing on Asian cultures and lifestyles.
http://www.halfwaymag.com/


Forum and blog exploring the reach of chinese food and
its global cultural impact.
http://www.eatingchinese.org/


Searchable directory of radio stations and commercials
on the radio.
http://www.ontheradio.net/


If you have been dumpster diving or just wondered
about it this site is full of info for you
http://www.dumpsterworld.com/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be
there when it happens." ~~ Woody Allen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with
an open one." ~~ Malcolm Forbes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
~~ Groucho Marx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it,
misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong
remedies." ~~ Groucho Marx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The assassin of Dr. Martin Luther King, James Earl
Ray, is dead. And what a practical joke on him when
he finds out that hell is integrated." ~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the
metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy
sitting next to me." ~~ Woody Allen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Today President Bush sent a congratulatory message
to the new president of Azerbaijan. Bush also wished
the president of Azerbaijan good luck in his fight
against Harry Potter." --Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quirks About Life You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty

..Most people deserve each other.

..All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

..The one who snores will fall asleep first.

..The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the
amount of money spent on the wedding.

..The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good as the
gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

..If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you
the next time they are in need.

..The probability of meeting someone you know increases
greatly when you are out with someone you do not want
to be seen with.

..Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the
weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kids Books You'll Never See (or read)
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical
Outlet Be Friends?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this
-- especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake
sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from
the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

So, she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to
the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her
daughter some money and specific instructions to be at
the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake
and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake
had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where
two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it
off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair
to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about
it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the
other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country
flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound
from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have
103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she
continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal
so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the
length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone
wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiots are Among Us
DEER CROSSING

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on ur road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want
them to cross there anymore.
This one was from Kingman, KS.

---

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
And he was a Kansas City chef!

---

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
This happened in Brimingham, Ala.

---

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the
buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

---

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our
manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should
do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just
looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

---

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand
why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the
Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

---

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When we arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We
went to the service department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

To which he replied, "I know -- I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to
have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic.
Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst
about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a good
Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my
Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's
as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd
done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I
suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of
white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the
Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine.
Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good."
He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me
world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The
bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass
me any more!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7 Definitions Of A Cat
1. A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

2. A four footed allergen.

3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

4. A treat-seeking missile.

5. A wildlife control expert impersonator.

6. A hair relocation expert.

7. An un-programmable animal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just
don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept
falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would
all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the
mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up pretty much
everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents
your life. The golf balls are the important things---
God, your family, your children, your health, your
friends and your favorite passions---and if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would
still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you
put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with
your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18. There will always be time to clean
house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that
really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm so
glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your
life may seem, there's always room for a couple of
cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about..
I JUST DID. ENJOY!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not a joke (well sort of, actually the politics
of this is a joke but poor people suffered and
died from it) but Mike sent us this new game:

Here's my latest project. You can have a little fun
at W's expense and help hurricane victims, too.

Please feel free to forward this widely.--Bill.

FINALLY -- IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE BLAME GAME

"Those who complain about the blame game?
They're usually to blame." - Jon Stewart.

"Bush says he doesn't want to play the 'Blame Game.'

Makes sense. Never heard of a chicken who wanted
to play the 'Extra Crispy' game". --Will Durst

The Blame Game is much like the situation for all the
residents of New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina hit -
You can't win, and you can't get out of the city, as
you encounter the same difficulties residents did
before, during and after the storm.

It's a board game, but you won't be bored as you make
your way through New Orleans, landing on squares that
tell you to lose 3 turns in the Superdome, or hand over
your food and water to the sheriff at the Gretna bridge
and go back to where you started.

You'll draw blame cards that help distribute the blame.
(Hint: George W. Bush "wins" this part). Sample cards:

Wait in line three hours to get help from FEMA.
When you get to the front, they give you a piece
of paper that says to come back in three days.
Lose 2 turns.
BLAME: BUSH

Stay on your roof and lose a turn. The rescue helicopters
have been diverted for a photo op with the President.
BLAME: BUSH

Two hard-core Democrats, Texas artist Gordon Fowler
and Wisconsin political consultant Bill Christofferson,
collaborated on the game. Games are $10 plus shipping
and handling from http://www.zzzingers.com

All proceeds will go to assist victims of Hurricane Katrina.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this one:
Donald Rumsfeld is giving George W Bush his daily
briefing and tells him that three Brazilian soldiers
have been killed in Iraq.

George says "my God, that's absolutely terrible", and
is at a lost for words. He holds his head in his hands
for several minutes, almost in tears.

His staff is amazed at the response, and the whole room
falls silent.

Finally, with a trembling voice George lifts his head
from the table and says "exactly how many is a brazillion?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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