Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 45

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 45 November 14, 2005


Apparently now pastors must clear their sermons
with the Bush gang:
http://www.wjla.com/headlines/1105/275683.html

Try this fun from Mike:
http://blueballfixed.ytmnd.com/
At work? You may want to turn down the sound.


You know those people with a cell phone stuck to their
ear? Well now we have a bank robber who never stopped
her conversation while robbing 4 different banks:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/10/AR2005111002009_pf.html


Perhaps its time to teach kids inside voices and company
behavior again. I know that we had to behave as kids:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/09/national/09bakery.html


We have a lean to the scientific today.

"...the years since 1959 have amounted to a golden age
of solar system exploration. Advancements in rocketry
after World War II enabled our machines to break the
grip of Earth's gravity and travel to the Moon ... "
Included here: Space History, Rocket History, Early
Astronauts, Automated Spacecraft, Spacecraft Mission
Summaries, and Hypothetical Planets and much more.
http://www.solarviews.com/eng/history.htm

"Research has made it clear that Thingvellir is a
natural wonder on a international scale..."
"Preservation measures at Thingvellir were based
on the US national parks that had been established
to stem changes to the natural environment there
resulting from encroachment by settlers. "
http://www.thingvellir.is/english/nature/continental/

Nations you didn't learn about in high school:
http://www.buckyogi.com/footnotes/

Breaking Science News updated throughout the day,
all content arranged into 10 easy-to-navigate subjects,
Special Reports, Expert Guides, their coffee break page,
including your questions and answers, strange but true
tales from the world of science, the best and craziest new
patents. Search over 60,000 articles from the last 15
years of their print edition and the leading science and
technology jobs database with over 1500 jobs worldwide.
http://www.newscientistspace.com/home.ns

Can we tag photos by using artificial intelligence and face-
recognition technology? No this is not a scifi plot, for more:
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,69514,00.html



Of course there are the less serious experiments too: http://www.afa.org/magazine/1990/1090bat.html

The Worst Jobs in Science
http://www.popsci.com/popsci/science/806ffb24a5f27010vgnvcm1000004eecbccdrcrd.html

From the opposing side Tony Long speaks out on
technology as the ruin of modern civilization:
http://www.wired.com/news/storylist/0,2339,309,00.html

More pro than con on the techno field:
http://tech.nytimes.com/pages/technology/circuits/index.html

Even if Bush and the cronies don't believe they are
adversely affecting the environment, there are many
educted people rooted in serious science who have this
to say about envirionmental change and our health:
http://www.ecohealth101.org/


Cleaning Tip to Clean Almost Anything Naturally
Without Spending Much Money
http://www.cleaning-tip.net/


More than anyone needs to know about coffee
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee
http://www.coffeeuniverse.com/world_coffee.html
http://www.coffeeco.com.au/altcof/altcoffeeindex.html
http://www.coffeegeek.com/
http://www.thecoffeefaq.com/
http://www.coffeekid.com/
http://www.coffeecrew.com/


My new Thanksgiving Page is up with all the Turkey
Hot Lines, Tips, Recipes for the big day and leftovers,
plus Crafts for all ages and coloring pages for the little
ones. Check it out here:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/THANKSGIVING.html

This month Martha has been doing a short bit on the
30 Things everyone should know how to do:
http://www.marthastewart.com/


Want discounts at supermarkets, restaraunts, gas,
drug stores, hotels, travel and for telephone services?
Read these quick money saving articles on groceries,
gasoline, prescriptions, phone expenses and more:
http://www.savvy-discounts.com/


Petsyclopedia strives to be a comprehensive resource of
pet care and pet health care information.
http://www.petsyclopedia.com/

Ever wonder when your favorite show is on PBS,
well they don't make it easy but you can try here:
http://www.pbs.org/

But if you live in Milwaukee or you watch WMVS
or WMPT you can find a list of alphabetic choices
here: http://www.mptv.org/webalpha.txt

Stuff one writer spends his time on when he really
should be writing:
http://www.notwriting.com/resources.htm

Some tips on protecting yourself on the internet below:

Use anti-virus software and keep it up to date. Some
phishing emails contain software that can harm your
computer or track activities on the Internet without
your knowledge.

Anti-virus software and a firewall can protect your
from inadvertently accepting such unwanted files by
scanning incoming communications for troublesome
files. Anti-virus software should recognize current
viruses as well as older ones, effectively reverse the
damage, and update automatically.

A firewall makes you invisible on the Internet and
blocks all communications from unauthorized sources.
It's especially important to run a firewall if you have a
broadband connection.

Keep your Operating System updated. Your OS (Windows
or Linux) may offer free software "patches" to close holes
in the system that hackers or phishers could exploit.

Be suspicious of emails with urgent requests for personal
financial information.

Avoid filling out forms in email messages that ask for your
personal financial information.

Avoid replying to email messages that ask for personal
financial information.

Avoid using links in email to get to web pages, especially
if you suspect a message might not be authentic.

Ensure that you only use secure websites to submit credit
card or other sensitive information.

Regularly check your bank, credit card and debit card
statements to ensure that all transactions are legitimate.



On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of
your body, then only left-handed people are in their
right mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job.
I base that on his pre-flight announcement, 'We're going to
be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!'" ~~ Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Harley Davidson motorcycles announced they are coming
out with a line of Harley pillowcases, shower curtains, soap
dishes and bath rugs. Which of course means, time to sell
the Harley." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the
sound." ~~ Red Green

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than
men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that
buttons down the back?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Unofficial Laws
But they're true...

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let
him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave
room for the mouse.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people; they have
nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have
to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows
what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers
wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that
came along would have destroyed civilization.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More thoughts to Ponder

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty
good ideas.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short
races one after another.

The most adorable bride of today will be someone's
mother-in-law in the future.

Punctual people have nothing better to do.

People who want by the yard, but try by the inch,
should be kicked by the foot!

Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.

Save time . . . see it my way.

The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything
else is just optional.

People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend
their wealth for health.

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be
doing something else.

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may
never owe.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he
laughs at.

The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is
their blood alcohol content.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's
wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know
where it's been!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage
son, and it was getting time the boy should give some
thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like
many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really
know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly
concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he
went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle
of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just
hide behind the door here, and when my son comes
home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these
three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's
going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to
be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if
he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard -
a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that
would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he
heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house
whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited
his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as
he turned around to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye,
he walked over to inspect them.

What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and
placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar
and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle
and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's
gonna be a politician!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this city-girl who was out driving and found
herself out in the country. She drove by a farmer standing
next to a large impressive-looking animal and stopped the
car to ask the farmer a question.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a
patient tone. "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of
damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down
with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by
puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow
in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of
cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't
have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told
her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of
the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told
on her.

The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked
you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"

A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel
right now!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you
have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that
tied female obesity to a virus. One evening my sister came
home exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read
the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow.
I'm calling in fat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave
a speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words
were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington,
IA, to Branson, MO. As they entered Missouri, an elderly
woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been
molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down. A short
time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims
that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a
bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those
old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says
that she'd been molested too.The bus driver decides that
he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he
turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his
hands and knees crawling in the aisles."Hey gramps, what
are you doing down there?" says the bus driver."

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but
every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar just
before the 10:00 news came on. He sat down next to
this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The
10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing
to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you
think he'll jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy
did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to
Homer, saying, "Fair is fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do
it again."

Homer took the money......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amada for these:
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female....Any part under a car's hood.
Male....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
Male....Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip
with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female....A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....Trying not to hit on other women while out with
this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female....An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....A source of entertainment, self-expression, male
bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female....The greatest expression of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
Male....Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female....A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male....A device for scanning through all 375 channels
every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said ....Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said....That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ....What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time.

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and Good- looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.

She said . . What do you call a women who knows where
her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.

He said . . Why are married women heavier than single
women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the
fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see
what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A
LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for this one:
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy...
"Will you marry me?"

The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and drank
martinis, went shopping, dancing, camping, always
had a clean house, never had to cook and farted
whenever she wanted.

THE END

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally thanks to Sheila for these:

Beware, these people are in the gene pool and
reproducing! Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming
from the brown house on the corner. !
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite
out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it
on the kitchen table and when I came back from the
bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and
I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the police dept. put
snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put
these chains on my tires and... well, do you think the
police dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone
doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-
eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all
out of breath. Darn..I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are
you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started
having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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