Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 44

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 44 November 7, 2005

I don't think I have seen such unusual news in a long time
almost any day see
http://www.breitbart.com/index.cgi?feed=ap&cat=breaking

We have all heard of a "Boy Named Sue" but a boy named
Google Kai?
http://www.google-kai.com/


November is National Novel Writing Month. The goal is
to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight,
November 30. So get busy:
http://www.nanowrimo.org/

While the eBay listing seems to be gone, the website
still exists proving once again that you can buy almost
anything on eBay
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/11/02/D8DKI1GG0.html
http://www.housewithbride.com/

Look what started this week with a farewell benefit for
the trip. Captain Reid Stowe and crew are preparing to
depart on his 70 ft schooner to set sail for 1,000 days
out of sight of land and leave dry land longer than
anyone ever has.
http://1000days.net/


My new Thanksgiving Page is up with all the Turkey
Hot Lines, Tips, Recipes for the big day and leftovers,
plus Crafts for all ages. Check it out:
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/THANKSGIVING.html


Google has become a household name but how far do we
want them to go? They plan to launch their Print Library
Project in November, scanning the entire contents of the
Stanford, Harvard and University of Michigan libraries
and making what it calls "snippets" of the works available.
http://www.washtimes.com/commentary/20051102-093349-7482r.htm


So far they have only those books (that there is no current
copyright) available here:
http://print.google.com/


SoYouWanna.com teaches you how to do all the things
nobody taught you in school.
http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/index.html

Web puzzler - solve the puzzle by rearranging the pieces.
http://imagiware.com/puzzle/

Trivia, quizzes, games, and humor
http://www.coolquiz.com/

In my never ending search for amusing websites I came
accross this one with info on some of your favorites:
http://www.jewsrock.org/index.cfm


This site is the result of an ongoing project to collect and
distribute the most obscure and rare words in the English
language. Now, the dictionary contains over 2300 words.
http://www.islandnet.com/~egbird/dict/dict.htm

Victorian Slang Dictionary
http://www.tlucretius.net/Sophie/Castle/victorian_slang.html


Remember the game Concentration?
http://www.cassandrabella.com/concentration/concentration.cgi


Great bookmarks
http://www.phone-numbers-search.com/


US and World population clock
http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html


A Coffee Lover's Playground is the most comprehensive
gathering of coffee information on the Internet
http://www.ineedcoffee.com/


Authentic Carribean Recipes
http://cayobo.tripod.com/

OMG look at all the recipes (what a great bookmark)
http://www.food-links.com/directory/Recipe_Collections

Family crafts (with kids)
http://familycrafts.about.com/mbody.htm

More fun with kids
http://www.funology.com/

The fun place to learn
http://www.primarygames.com/

The idea of a baby using the potty (and not using diapers)
is not exactly new but not the norm in our culture yet:
http://diaperfreebaby.org/


12,000 photographs of the Mid-Atlantic states New York,
New Jersey, and Connecticut from the 1850s to the 1910s,
from the New York Public Library. They show buildings
and street scenes in cities, towns, and villages as well as
natural landscapes. They also depict agriculture, industry,
transportation, homes, businesses, celebrations, natural
disasters, people, and costumes.
http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/award97/nyplhtml/dennhome.html


A dictionary of acronyms, emoticons, computer terms
with easy-to-understand definitions and computer help
http://www.sharpened.net/sitemap.php



One of the main aims of this project is to provide a central
place on the Internet for kin information about all people
we know ever lived, automatically construct bloodline trees,
and watch the gradual emergence of global family forest of
humanity.
http://wikitree.org/index.php?title=Main_Page


An on-line encyclopedia of the occult, mysticism, magic,
paranormal and more...
http://www.themystica.com/mystica/default.html

On to the chuckles:
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"Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only
be attained through understanding." ~~ Albert Einstein

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to
speak and remove all doubt." ~~ Abraham Lincoln

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"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices
have very few virtues." ~~ Abraham Lincoln

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"Japanese Prime Minister Tomiichi Murayama apologized
for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't
mentioned anything about karaoke." ~~ David Letterman

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"Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?"
~~ Bill Watterson (author of Calvin and Hobbs)

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"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."
~~ David Letterman

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A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in
fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
~~ Robert Frost

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about
other people. ~~ Lucille S. Harper

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can be
myself. ~~ Roseanne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody
else. ~~ Will Rogers

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My mother buried three husbands, and two of them
were just napping. ~~ Rita Rudner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be Pres-
ident, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be Vice
President. ~~ Johnny Carson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they
don't like solitary confinement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Courage is grace under pressure. ~~ Ernest Hemingway

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


MOM'S DICTIONARY

ADULTS: Group of people Mom longs to communicate
with after several hours of talking in small words about
topics like "who touched who first."
AIRPLANE : What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old
to eat strained beets.
ALIEN : What Mom would suspect had invaded her house
if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE : Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will
trade for cupcakes.
BABY : 1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM : A room used by the entire family, believed
by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE : Mom's reason for having kids do things which
can't be explained logically.
BED & BREAKFAST : Two things the kids will never
make for themselves.
CARPET : Expensive floor covering used to catch spills
and clean mud off shoes.
CHINA : Legendary nation reportedly populated by
children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK : 1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.
COUCH POTATO : What Mom finds on the sofa during
Dallas Cowboy games.
DATE : Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can
enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS : Any carton or bottle left open in
the fridge.
DUST : Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn
a home into a battle zone.
EAT : What kids do between meals, but not at them.
ENERGY : Element of vitality kids always have an
oversupply of until asked to do something.
EYE : The highly susceptible optic nerve which,
according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from
a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE : A story told by a teenager arriving home
after curfew.
FOOD : The response Mom usually gives in answer to
the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
GARBAGE : A collection of refuse items, the taking out
of which Mom assigns to a different family member
each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES : Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
GUM : Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER : A wicker container with a lid, usually
surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES : Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HOMEMADE BREAD : An object of fiction like the
Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
INSIDE : That place that will suddenly look attractive
to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an
hour getting them ready to go outside.
"I SAID SO" : Reason enough, according to Mom.
KETCHUP : The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to
drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and
years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS : Mom medicine.
LAKE : Large body of water into which a kid will jump
should his friends do so.
MAYBE : No.
MILK : A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink
once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar
and cocoa.
OCEAN : What the bathroom floor looks like after bath
night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels
and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN : The position of children's mouths when they eat
in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
"OW": The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their
vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up,
according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so
Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which,
after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant
harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of
company.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small
bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook
and keys she can never find because they're buried under
tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal,
toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football,
wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated
coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before
the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last
child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a
child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in
the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because
the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-
conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and lengthy
responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently
misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive
pleasure from watching offspring stumble through
coarse reenactments of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when
completely zipped and snapped performs two important
functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding
them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-
chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while
reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids'
faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little
as 15 minutes with Grandma.
SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can
ward away colds, and even pneumonia.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and
that person who has yet to understand her child's "special
needs."
"THAT WAY" : ow kids shouldn't look at moms if they
know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing
Superman pajamas.
UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of number
of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something
before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of
which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"
VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from
it all, only to find it there, too.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that
comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean
blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, tissues,
homework, and wads of gum.
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME" : Standard
measurement of time between crime and punishment.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house...
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the
already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more
mortifying.
XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given
as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing
the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long. See
also "Drums"
YARD SALE aka RUMMAGE SALE OR GARAGE SALE:
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to
sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the
last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part
with now.
"YIPPIE!" : hat Mom would jump up and shout if the school
year was changed to 12 months. See also "Yahoo!"
ZILLION: mount of times Mom must have gone to the
supermarket already this week.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or
steamed before kids refuse to eat it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Regis Philbin and Donald Trump have a holiday CD coming
out. Here's how that odd idea came together. They both got
together and realized there was money in New York that
they yet did not have their hands on and said, "Let's do
this!" That holiday CD will make a great dumpster stuffer."
--Dave Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called the plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, repaired the pipe,
and handed the doctor a bill for six hundred dollars.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even
make that much as a doctor!"

"Yeah," the plumber replied philosophically, "neither did
I when I was a doctor."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inner Wisdom Revealed


1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my
inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-
soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the
ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise
myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having
control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would
have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan,
whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me,
they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is
cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The
second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find
someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to
carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and truly
disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves
into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing
myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it was my 59th
birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless
of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice,
for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
in my underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will
move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a
minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when
I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that
the conspiracy is working.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

"Who's On First" -- new version
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader
of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the
new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's
dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N.
on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me
the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old
babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running
shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few
miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her
and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the
company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he
has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot". This girl
is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch
her, but when he does, it's definitely worth every
muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days,
the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the
fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has
lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order
the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely,"he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he
opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing
nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck
that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this one:
Best of the reported protest signs seen at the recent anti-
war demonstration in Washington, D.C.:
"WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB
SO WE CAN HAVE HIM IMPEACHED."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one:

HOW TO PUT THE RIGHT PERSON IN THE RIGHT JOB?
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed
room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into
the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and
come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:
(a) If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks
PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTING
(b) If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks
PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.
(c) If they are arranging the bricks in some other order
PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
(d) If they are throwing the bricks at each other
PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
(e) If they are sleeping
PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
(f) If they have broken the bricks into pieces
PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
(g) If they are sitting idle
PUT THEM IN THE HUMAN RESOURCE DEPARTMENT.
(h) If they have thrown the bricks out of the window
PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPARTMENT.
(i) If they have already left for the day
PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
(j) If they are talking to each other and not a single brick
has moved PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT !!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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