Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 40

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 40 October 10, 2005


Wow as my time continues here in California the heat
makes it hard for me to believe its almost Halloween.
But I have started the updates to my Halloween pages
located at http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Halloween.html
Look for the pages to change soon!


Here is a quiz on bones from Vincent Price movies
to get you in the mood for spooky stuff
http://www.vincent-price.com/featurequiz.html


At this time of year when we are all contemplating our
costumes for Halloween let me show you these most
unfortunate Star Wars costumes:
http://www.capnwacky.com/sw/sw01.html


Pumpkin carving at its wildest!
http://www.extremepumpkins.com/


A new way to search:
http://www.grokker.com/

Since Google has been down here a lot (or maybe it's
the wires that are down due to the fires) I have been
using Dogpile which utilizes a group of search engines.
http://www.dogpile.com/



How is this for a wacky site? "Humanclock.com shows a
photograph of the current time, with the photo changing
every minute of the day . . ."
http://www.humanclock.com/


"Necessity is the mother of invention. The father is
unknown." Real patents that are silly:
http://www.patentlysilly.com/index.php


"Hidden Lives Revealed is an exciting and unique new
resource for anyone interested in British social history. "
http://www.hiddenlives.org.uk/


This web site deals with any and all aspects of the general
topic "animals in the Middle Ages", with an emphasis on
the tradition, mostly in western Europe. The subject is vast,
so this a large site, with well over 3000 pages, and perhaps
the best way to explore it is to just wander around.
http://www.bestiary.ca/


The 10 brightest stars
http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/brightest_stars_030715-1.html


Try this geology/geography puzzle
http://tapestry.usgs.gov/puzzle/default.html


The beginnings of a major new classics resource
http://www.ancientlibrary.com/


Anything you could possibly want to know about the
state of Texas and its history:
http://www.tsha.utexas.edu/handbook/online/browse/index.html


Ever wondered how those TV dinners taste? This site
reviews them
http://www.yarayara.com/tv/tvtable.html


Along with that try the 300+ root beer reviews:
http://annoyances.com/rb/index.html


misbehaving.net is a weblog about women and technology.
Their catch words are: "Well-behaved women seldom
make history." ~~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://www.misbehaving.net/


Fun figures in clay and Pongo(tm)
http://pongo.motime.com/

Bigger and better? sculpture
http://www.nashersculpturecenter.org/

Tile murals are one of the greater pillars of Portuguese
decorative arts.
http://www.berardotiles.com/


Online plagiarism detector
http://www.copyscape.com/

Tips and tools for cyberjournalists
http://www.cyberjournalist.net/tips_and_tools/

On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...
I want to achieve it through not dying." ~~ Woody Allen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh my God! Do you believe these fires?! People are
doing whatever they can to stay safe. Like today
William Shatner switched to an asbestos toupee."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"According to the energy department, high gas prices
may be around for the next six months. After that
they'll be followed by really high gas prices."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Honestly must be the best policy, but it's important to
remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty
is the second best policy." ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The paper back version of President Clinton's book
came out recently and in it Clinton admits that the
hard cover version may have been too long.

Yeah Clinton admits his mistake in a new 200 page
introduction." ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"President Bush delivered the commencement address
at the Naval Academy. This appearance at the Naval
Academy was historic for President Bush. For the first
time he was on a military base and people could actually
remember him being there." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This is the time of the year when the networks announce
their fall programming. CBS is going to have a new reality
show. It's a combination of "Survivor" and "The Bachelor."
It's going to be called "Who Wants To Marry Robert Blake?"
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world,
given my waist and shirt size?" ~~ Woody Allen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove
who is the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a
rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout
the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude
that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy went out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her
fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like,
Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head.
The doctor leaps up and says: "Good grief, how on earth
did you get that great ugly thing!"

The frog looks down and replies: "I dunno Doc, it started
out as a little wart on my bottom!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is an oldie with a new twist at the end:

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Coco Puffs, and then took her off
to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the
Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster
Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later
she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off
to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, some
popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite
lollypop and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and then
collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what
was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he's gonna get it wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A twelve-year-old goes into his folks' bedroom with a
sheet over his head. He tells his parents it is his costume
for Halloween and wants them to guess what he is.

They say, "A ghost."

He says, "No, I'm............ Osama bed Linen"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at
the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home
cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't even
wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I
come home from work and just do my own thing without
you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and
throwingthings around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out thewindow, his wife sees a full moon and
says to herself,"I guess it's that time of the month."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a women.

Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She
thanked him and asked him if he would join her for
breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.

The next day he went to her house and had a lovely
breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"

She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they
only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought
for a moment. "You know, I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots
over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to
pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop
saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very
well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots over to
the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that
his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding
rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked
over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male
parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers
have been answered."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE FROM KIDS

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when
'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from
it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five,
but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth
grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A
GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because,
even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a
lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL
IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You
might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing
as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works
for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING
DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you
can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food
will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on
fire. They like to order those because it's just like how
their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY
SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I
hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings
get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that
you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist
stopped by my desk to pay her bill. Then she began
rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did
when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of
mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her
handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one:

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight
pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't under-
stand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get
the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like . . .
Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Davi for these:
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during
this exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed
that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

And the best one of all... "Could you write a note for
my wife saying that my head is not up here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally from Erin:
Many of us are confused about how we should present
ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are
projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try
to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may
have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . my personal favorite ..
13. Thongs and Depends

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally thanks to Erin for this one:
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge
device, trade named BOOK. BOOK is a revolutionary
breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric
circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or
switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can
operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used
anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire
-- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much info
as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets
of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands
of bits of information. The pages are locked together
with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the
sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers
to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information
density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the
prospects for further increases in information density;
for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more
pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and
used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or
requires rebooting, though like other display devices it
can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse"
feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and
move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with
an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional
"BOOKmark"accessory allows you to open BOOK to the
exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the
BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in
BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a
single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views
at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.You can also make personal notes
next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming
tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication
Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed
as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also,
BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content
creators have committed to the platform and investors
are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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