FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 9
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 9 February 27, 2006
Tomorrow is the big day in New Orleans and many other
southern cities. Yes its finally Mardi Gras and then it calms
down again at Midnight and they sweep the streets for the
beginning of Lent.
It's amazing but they are still having this celebration but
if you don't go this year maybe you want to plan on a future
Mardi Gras so here are the next few years dates:
February 20, 2007
February 5, 2008
February 24, 2009
AOL recently announced what amounts to an "email tax."
Under this pay-to-send system, large emailers willing to
pay an "email tax" can bypass spam filters and get access
to people's inboxes—with their messages having a
preferential high-priority designation. Frankly if this
happens I will block ALL email from AOL so those who
have it can find real, fully functional email systems from
Yahoo, Myway, or Google for free. In the mean time,
Move on is asking you to sign a petition to show AOL
the error of it's way, ie the massive amount of people
against this plan. You can sign here:
http://civic.moveon.org/mediaaction/alerts/Stop_AOL_email_scheme.html
While there you can find quite a few causes to sign
petitions for:
http://www.moveon.org/campaigns.html
Thanks to Erin for this news item from Yahoo! News
Psycho Path Voted Wackiest Street Name http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060225/ap_on_fe_st/odd_street_names
How popular is your first name?
http://www.birthdayalarm.com/NamePopularity.jsp?MID=964
A roundup of food blogs with basic recipes and how to's
http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/001772learning_to_cook_round_up_1.php
Amazing recipe site
http://www.cooksrecipes.com/index.html
More Wacky ebay
http://www.weirdebay.com/
http://www.wayoutauctions.com/
If you have missed the details on the flap over MySpace
here are a couple articles to catch you up. (If you are a
parent or adult in charge of the computer for a teen or
preteen, I suggest you read them.)
http://www.wired.com/news/politics/0,70254-0.html
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,70287-0.html?tw=rss.index
Does he deserve your trust? To warn other women about
a cheating man by posting his picture and profile into the
database, simply log on and follow the instructions for
posting. To find out about a suspected cheater, log on,
type the cheater’s name into the database and watch as
the website searches through hundreds of pictures and
profiles to find a match!
http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/home/index.html
More at http://www.manhaters.com/
http://www.truedater.com/
If you are an ice skating fan you may love this since its
Evgeny Plushenko performing at his wildest but if you
are easily offended maybe you should skip this one.
http://www.wimp.com/sexbomb/
An amazing man once said " A human being should be
able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog,
conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance
accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take
orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations,
analyze a new problem, pitch manure, cook a tasty meal,
fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
- Robert A. Heinlein - one of my favorite authors
http://www.wegrokit.com/
Interesting reading for women here:
http://www.total-women.com/articles.asp
http://sheknows.com/
http://www.pages4women.com/
Free craft patterns
http://rubyglen.com/crafts.htm
http://rubyglen.com/craftsother.htm
On to the chuckles:
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"Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place." ~~ Billy Crystal
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All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and
then doesn't hurt! ~~ Lucy, Peanuts
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I'm not difficult to please, I'm always happy with the best.
~~ Sir Winston Churchill
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"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about
perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just
showed up." ~~ Bill Maher
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"A lot of the athletes are complaining about the food in
the village at the Olympics. When you think about it it's
hard to find good grub in a place like Italy."
~~ Dave Letterman
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Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could
be missing out on the joke of the century."
~~ Dame Edna Everage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a blonde at a university???
LOST!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect
a pilot.
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses
you back.
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact
change.
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten
your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for
gas.
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off
the runway.
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and
he sez, "Just once."
11. No movie. Don't need one.
12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let
off the plane.
14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Useful Work Phrases
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's
hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma
to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24. At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26. I see you've set aside this special time just to
humiliate yourself in public.
27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously
and change the subject.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you get when you mix Rogaine with Viagra?
A: Hair like Don King.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"?
A: Vegetarian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"THE SENILITY PRAYER"
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I
do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Televsion) did a
story on gender roles in> Kabul, Afghanistan, several
years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She
recently returned to Kabul and observed that women
still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters'
vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further
behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old
custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and
asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom
that you once tried desperately to change?"
The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and
without hesitation said "Landmines."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE
BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful
decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent,
a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and
should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come
near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision.
The time has come to place that loved one into the care of
an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So
many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.
WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?
Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm,"
"Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically
Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled
on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured
residential environment for those unable to handle even the
most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs,
like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that
allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant
lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually
having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.
WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that
many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to under-
stand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family
members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved
one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as
Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal.
You must ask yourself: "How frustrated am I that my parent/
sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?" "How
much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is
different from hard drive memory?" "How many times can I
bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard
with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'" To make things easier, we
have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you
to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark
it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm
in Here! - A Resident's Story."
MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
Several corporations have sought permission to have certain
employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to
ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only
by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple:
there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate
all the technologically challenged. For example, there are
currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are
29 million AOL users.
HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The
disparity is currently a point of contention in the whole
ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government
programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimburse-
ment rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.
Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk
Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage,
forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive
private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.
Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves,
many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft,
Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100
percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch.
ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service
contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile,
prohibits the installation of any competitive software,
while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its
stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory
tissue.
HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally
commit a family member. However, the now famous British
court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the
way for minors to commit their parents.
In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had
his37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth
after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to
themselves and the community." According to court records,
Bradley told his parents about the I Love You virus and then
warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his
parents received an I Love You email and clicked on the
attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone
we know."
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility,
and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference,
observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to
openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted
living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things
like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill !@#$%">!*
Gates you know!," this is probably 'assistedcomputing.' Also,
at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent
lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology
devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and
alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare
Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or
technological tasks such as installing programs or saving
email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer the
residents' questions because studies have shown that
answering user questions inevitably makes things worse.
Instead, residents should simply have things done for
them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."
CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT? No. OK, THIS
SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on
Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by
clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at
both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you
decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have
long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take
years to absorb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Offender : Yourself!
Date: Right Now!
Offence # : TOO LONG in front of the computer
Details of Offence :
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet
Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair
in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups,
cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see
you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into
the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log
back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal
tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair.
The timer starts NOW! Get off your butt - you'll thank us
for it later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the
car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the very
first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat,
directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery
after all those months of sitting in the front passenger
seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy
to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick
the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been
doing to me all these years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met
with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this
room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip
on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda . Try Decaf. This ain't rocket
science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this
machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of
36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also,
girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and
still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you
stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we
can get everything?"
Fine, I answered! I was freezing, bruised, and out
of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in
my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other breast wedged between those two 4"
pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a
zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone,
are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ..
the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall
lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And
that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me
dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi,
how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly
Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye
as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery
store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement,
she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on
and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended
up between the clamps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Davi for this smart blonde joke
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for
the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front
of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against
a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to
drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were
away, we checked you out and found that you ar a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I
park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it
to be there when I return?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Andrea for these thoughts to ponder
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before it's called
assassination instead of murder?
If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have
branches?
Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only
a "penny for your thoughts?" Where did that extra penny
go?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from two people for President and fifty
for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're
going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever
comes out!"
Or watch a white thing come out a chicken's butt and think,
"that ought to taste good."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where
the bathroom is?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, and call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your
butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride;
he sticks his head out the window?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Sheila for this BLONDE COOKBOOK !
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel
food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The
neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe
said serve without dressing. So I didn'tdress. What a
surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly
but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a
new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was
rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the
ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been
something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, every-
thing was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home
a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For
some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash
of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and then set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my
disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting
week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a
new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger
oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz
Thanks and have a great week!
Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates
posted by Bluesbaby at 10:58 AM
