FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 8

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 8 February 26, 2007

We all could have used this on the weekend:
http://www.wikihow.com/Survive-a-Winter-Storm

Think your Social Security Number is secure?
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/24/business/24money.html?em&ex=1172466000&en=568e4212934cd407&ei=5070

Do you dig it? Digg is all about user powered content.
Everything is submitted and voted on by the digg
community.
http://www.digg.com/

Lots of fun for families here:
http://www.kaboose.com/

When you absolutely have to get off the phone, have
some fun:
http://www.sorrygottago.com/

Did you know Dave Barry had a blog?
http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/

More fun from Dribble Glass
http://www.dribbleglass.com/

To paint just click and move the mouse around, every
click will give you a new color and space bar will wipe
the screen off so you can start again.
http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

Flower Maker
http://www.zefrank.com/flowers/

Superstar Squirrel

http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/index.html

Thanks to the ladies on ebay for this lesson: If a dog
was my teacher
http://www.llerrah.com/ifadogweremyteacher.htm

Read books online or get a section a day via email

http://www.arcamax.com/books/book_list_all?sort=title&booklist=ALL#list

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"America continues to search for alternative sources of
energy. Other companies now are making fuels made
from corn and soybeans. This is amazing. You know what
that means? Our cars will have healthier diets than we do."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should
be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.
~~ Calvin Trillin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The truth is more important than the facts.
~~ Frank Lloyd Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that
people will insist on coming along and trying
to put things in it.
~~ Terry Pratchett

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being
made. ~~ Otto von Bismarck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Signs Your Car Has To Be Recalled

1. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of
James Brolin.

2. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when
he wrote 'Christine'".

3. Bucket seats? Actual buckets.

4. Horn only audible to dogs.

5. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck.

6. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always
on fire!

7. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1".

8. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and
physically turn wheels.

9. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral.

10. Windshield wipers are on the inside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus

1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.

2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what
to wear to the office.

3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and
consider it a job requirement.

4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!

5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.

6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you
weren't.

7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled... that is when
you giggled...like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them
with your purse.

8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.

9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho!
Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.

10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.

11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.

12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about
your slip showing.

13. No more trips to the vending machine... you'd just
snack on milk and cookies all day.

14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement
package.

15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because
your children would adore you; even your teen-agers
would want to sit in your lap.

16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.

17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.

18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the
door.

19. No one would ask to see your job description.

20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better
not pout.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in
the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the
bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you
didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your
life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go
and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going
to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there was
no #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for all of these blode jokes:

BLONDE LOGIC (HERE WE GO AGAIN)
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which
do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you
see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells
the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few
minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the
story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She
asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied
in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!"
she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second
blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in
even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise
she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not
really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm
actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to
see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and
then asked, "Is it on or off?"

BLONDES AND RELIGION
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50
Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and
22 Baptists.

FINALLY . . .

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're
watch dogs!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 7

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 7 February 19, 2007

Chinese New Year ~ On the Western calendar, the start
fell on February 18, 2007 — The Year of the Pig.
Check it out:
http://www.educ.uvic.ca/faculty/mroth/438/CHINA/chinese_new_year.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_New_Year
http://www.factmonster.com/spot/chinesenewyear1.html
http://www.chiff.com/home_life/holiday/chinese-new-year.htm
http://www.c-c-c.org/chineseculture/festival/newyear/newyear.html

For kids
http://www.dltk-holidays.com/china/index.htm
http://www.kidsdomain.com/holiday/chineseny.html
http://pbskids.org/sagwa/games/countdown/index.html
http://www.kiddyhouse.com/CNY/
http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/chinese_new_year.htm

Tomorrow is the big day in New Orleans and many other
southern cities. Yes its finally Mardi Gras and then it
calms down again at Midnight and they sweep the streets
for the beginning of Lent.

The webcams should be on so you can watch the fun:
http://mglinks.com/
http://www.mardigras.com/
http://www.mardigrasneworleans.com/

Thanks to the ebay ladies for this Mardi Gras info:

Mardi Gras, the French for 'fat Tuesday', has got
quite a few names. While the English used to call it
Shrove Tuesday, or, later as Pancake Day, to the
Germans it is Fastnachtkuchen, or, just Fastnacht. Yet,
irrespective of this name game, Mardi Gras - or at least
its counterparts under different names, is no newcomer
in the history of humanity. Take, for instance, the
Carnival. This can be regarded as the mother of Mardi
Gras traditions, with the origin embedded in ancient
Rome. However, around the middle of the second century
traditions of the Carnival became popular as a way to
feast and act wild before the somber days of Lent. This
is still celebrated as a splendid festival across South
America and in the Catholic countries of Europe.

Pre-Christian root:
Though the timings do vary, different cultures have
certain schedules set aside for community jubilation
or revelry. And most, if not all, of them have been a
celebration of some sort for the changeover of the year.
A time of jubilation at the New Year has been traced
by anthropologists to prehistoric times and to almost
every section of the globe. Often this period was
thought to be an intercalary season, that is, a number
of days inserted at the year's end to make the lunar
calendar coincide with the solar. In a sense, these
days were outside time and the ordinary customs and
laws held no longer. This is seen in the later Roman
feast of the Saturnalia where masters and slaves
exchanged places, and as the noted anthropologist
Sir James Frazer has observed in 'The Golden Bough',
"Feasting that seem to have especially marked this
carnival of antiquity, as it went on for 7 days in
the streets and public squares and houses of ancient
Rome from the 17th to the 23rd of December."

In the festival of Saturnalia the Romans also used
to burn the effigy of the king of ancient Saturnalia.
The king was an ugly looking personage of Saturn and
the master of revels. He suffered a real death in
his assumed character when the revels were over. This
tradition is present in Carnival in the grotesque
looking floats of the Mardi Gras parades even today.
This apart, the wild and boisterous revelry on the
thoroughfares, the colors and costumes and, of course,
the masks featuring this carnival all come as part of
the pre-Christian tradition of spring rites.

The earliest observance:
The first observance of Mardi Gras celebration in its
present resemblance took place in the Middle Ages. And
it was following the period of Reformation that swept
Europe during the 14th and 15th centuries.

With the Reforms, restrictions from many of the ancient
Roman Catholic practices were lifted. Thus, much of
the causes were removed though the customs lingered.
The name Fat Tuesday comes from the custom of parading
a fat ox through the streets of Paris on Shrove Tuesday.
Another explanation given is that the French name Mardi
Gras means Fat Tuesday, from the custom of using all
the fats in the home before Lent.

Shrove Tuesday, derived its name from the old practice
of confessing one's sins on this day in preparation of the
holy Lenten season. The verb 'to shrive' means to confess
oneself and receive absolution. The three-day period of
Sunday, Monday, and Shrove Tuesday, was known as
Shrovetide. following which the period of Lent begins.

Mardi Gras in the Melting Pot:
Although Mardi Gras is basically a Catholic holiday,
today it is party for everyone here in United States.
This is especially true in New Orleans and other parts
of Louisiana which can be credited for introducing this
tradition in the country.

Mardi Gras first came
to New Orleans through French Culture in the year 1699
when the French explorers celebrated the holiday on the
Mississippi River. Over the years, the celebration has
witnessed growing national attention with many parades
and parties coming in to add to its hue and flavor.
Despite the Hispanic invasion later the celebration has
not lost its original French influence.

However, there is another view. It says that the modern
incarnation of Mardi Gras in the U.S. begin in Mobile,
AL in 1830, with Michael Krafft and the Cowbellion de
Rakin Society. Their Mardi Gras celebrations continued
until the Civil War. New Orleans' claims to be the
origin of American Mardi Gras come from the fact that
it is likely that the French & Spanish upper crust
of the Louisiana celebrated Mardi Gras as part of their
French Catholic heritage long before the first parade
in New Orleans in 1857.

Whatever be the origin
and history, that fact is that today it is celebrated
with much fanfare as a public holiday only in the
southern states of Louisiana, Alabama, and Florida,
and its fame has gradually extended nationwide, or for
that matter, worldwide. The French tradition apart,
influences of the Germans, as well as the British are
evident in the day's customs across the country.

Epiphany, celebrated in European countries, marks the
coming of the wise men who brought gifts to the Christ
Child. Epiphany is also called Little Christmas on the
Twelfth Night, and is celebrated twelve nights after
Christmas. People from all of the world celebrate
Epiphany by exchanging gifts and feasting. A very
popular custom that is still celebrated is the making
of the "King's Cake" which represents the three kings
who brought gifts. A plastic baby is baked inside the
King Cake, and the tradition is whoever receives the
baby in their piece of cake must buy the next King
Cake or throw the next party. King Cakes are made of
a cinnamon filled dough in the shape of a hollow circle.
The cake is topped with a delicious glazed topping and
then sprinkled with colored sugar. The three colors of
the sugar are Purple (representing Justice), Green
(representing Faith) and Gold (representing Power).
Today the King Cakes are baked with a wide assortment
of fillings inside the cake. King Cake is the preferred
dessert and snack in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.
Hundreds of thousands of King Cakes are eaten in New
Orleans during the Carnival season. Many are shipped
throughout the U.S. for those displaced New Orleanians
longing for a taste of Mardi Gras. In fact, a Mardi
Gras party wouldn't be a Mardi Gras party without a
King Cake.

You might be wondering, "Why on earth would a plastic
baby be inside of a cake?" Well, the baking of King
Cakes is a tradition in New Orleans that begins on
King's Day, at the start of the Mardi Gras season.
A tiny baby, is baked into the cake. The person whose
piece of cake contains the baby furnishes the King
Cake for the next party (which are usually held once
a week on Sundays until Fat Tuesday.) However, when
celebrating Mardi Gras out of town, most people
regard the person who 'got the baby' as the King
or Queen of the party being held. Either way, it
is a tasty way to spend an afternoon, and we
promise you'll love it, too! A new idea that has
recently grown in popularity at children's parties
is to serve cupcakes decorated like regular
kingcakes and put a baby in each one. That way,
every child will experience the thrill of finding
the baby.

King Cake, which more closely resembles a rich,
sweet bread, is the preferred dessert in New
Orleans during Mardi Gras. The making of King Cake
honors the coming of the three wise men who brought
gifts to baby Jesus. The three colors of the sugar
used to decorate the cake are purple (representing
Justice), green (representing Faith) and gold
(representing Power). A plastic baby is placed
inside the cake, and the tradition is whoever
receives the baby in their piece of cake must buy
the next King Cake or throw the next party!

Some King Cakes have cream cheese or jelly filling.
See my blog here for the recipe since its too late
to order one for this year.
http://bluesbabys-rants.blogspot.com/

See what happens when you give a room full of artists
aluminum spoons and convince them to make something
resembling pieces of art out of these spoons, i.e. to see
what will happen to the spoons further:
http://tau.ur.ru/spoon/eindex.asp

Lovely analogy here:
http://mysthillarium.com/anthology/rain2.htm

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played
with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
~~ Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become
the mayor of Carmel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents
think he does and about two years after he thinks
he does. ~~ Lewis B. Hershey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everybody's a Comedian

I called my local home improvement store for a simple
piece of advice. "I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs,"
I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I
find the studs"?

"Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of church services when she was startled by an
intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" "Repent and be
baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins
may be forgiven."

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done. As the
officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and
asked the burglar,

"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was
yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture"? replied the burglar. "She said she had an
ax and two 38s!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the
Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved
in." ~~ Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hot foot granny

Now Granny has a habit,
that really is quite bad.
When she gets behind a wheel,
she acts like she's gone mad.

Racing down the highway,
doing 90 as she goes,
weaving in and out of traffic
she thinks she is a pro.

One night when she was driving,
this light behind her glowed.
Granny didn't stop till,it
drove her off the road.

They put her in a lineup,
and she was picked out as the one.
Who drove the getaway car,she said,
but it was just for fun.

She was brought to the courthouse,
to determine her fate.
She pleaded with the judge,
but he said it was to late.

Now Granny has a number,
she won't be driving much.
By the time she gets out,
she will have lost her touch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grandma's on the internet
You won't believe the nuts she's met.

But what she'd really like to know,
Is - where are those who quilt and sew.

And do the things she likes to do
She'd give them hints, and learn some too.

She used to be "scared" of a wee little mouse,
Would scream if one ever got in the house.

Now she hugs one night and day,
She'd rather cuddle it than stay

On the couch and watch t.v.
Her first love now is her P.C.

She'd like to see it all unfurled,
So much to learn in this new world.

She could explore it from her chair
But mostly, she plays solitaire

But that's o.k. she doesn't care
About the weather in Zaire.

Windows were glass she'd wash and look through,
Now they are programs to help us all view.

The earth and the sea and the beautiful sky,
A virus was something from which you could die.

Now it's a nuisance that could spoil your day,
But it can be fixed and sent on it's way.

She served her time with diapers and dishes.
Now she can do whatever she wishes.

And if that means staying up half the night,
To point arrows at icons-that's really alright.

A bit was something you had little of,
Now it takes eight bytes to make the above.

It's all so confusing, it makes her head ache.
A byte was something you take from a cake.
She's learning more about it now,

Her four year old grandchild showed her how.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maw's new bathroom

Dear Son:Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in
forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a
little better off now, because we have so much money
now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $47.15
every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something
about fixing up the house.

We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms
you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to
put it in shape. On one side of the bathroom is a great
long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it
and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white
thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands.

But over in the corner we really got something. This thing,
you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain
& get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with
the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm
using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in
it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.

Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with.They
sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on
it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch.

Take care of yourself

~Maw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for this:

Sad (and funny) but true…
http://www.airfarce.com/seasons/season14/061006d.wmv

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 6

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 6 February 12, 2007

Happy Valentines to you all!

First of all Valentines virus warnings again
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2007/02/09/070209230449.y0oo34uo.html

For Valentines Day
http://www.valentopia.com/valentines-day-humor/
http://www.fal.net/101/hearts.html http://www.huddlenet.com/holidays/valentine/humor.shtml

Law and Order Valentines
http://www.brandonbird.com/svutines.html

For Valentines Day try fondue or this special cake for dessert
http://partyfood.suite101.com/article.cfm/chocolate_fondue
http://party-food-recipes.suite101.com/article.cfm/easy_valentines_day_cake_recipe

Or try these cookies from BHG
http://recipes.bhg.com/recipes/recipedetail.jsp?recipeId=113&searchResults=true&showSearchNav=true&recipeNumber=4&resultCategory=kitchen&searchType=null&adCategory=&_requestid=91098

This was originally created as a joke, but for some reason,
people are actually using this thing to send serious erotic
love messages to each other. Hey its a free country, so feel
free to use it however you like!
http://www.crazyhoroscopes.com/love-poem-generator.php

The History of Chocolate
http://www.fieldmuseum.org/chocolate/history.html

Become an M & M
http://www.becomeanmm.com/

Convert data into art and print it.
http://rhizome.org/artbase/24114/myData/

Check out the whole online archive of new media art
containing some 1600 art works
http://rhizome.org/artbase/

The world's first hypertext encyclopedia of toons
http://www.toonopedia.com/

This is a cute game to test your driving skills. Reminds me
of those teenage drivers...(some have trouble with the pop
up showing the directions - so use arrow keys to turn and go
- use the space bar to brake)
http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf

Another fun game site
http://spikedhumor.com/articles/15221/Sloyd.html

More silliness - translate your message into 12 yr old IM
type text message
http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There are a lot of guys buying diamonds for Valentine's
Day. Well, sure...you can't afford roses anymore! A hundred
bucks for a dozen roses ... that does seem expensive until
you calculate what NOT buying them will cost you."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker,
but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
even remember how he got home from the party. As bad
as he was feeling, he wondered if he did anything wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of
water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red
rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes, then he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark
from his wife in lipstick!"Honey, breakfast is on the stove.
I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite
dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Jillian."

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son...
what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home around 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it,
and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
perfect order and so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is
on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed,"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $89.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing, at exactly the right time ... PRICELESS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you're from Wisconsin....

1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by
drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there
all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might
live in Wisconsin.

2. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November
through March, you might live in Wisconsin.

3. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five
months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.

4. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and
they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin.

5. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving
around the middle of his forehead, you might live in
Wisconsin.

6. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same
time, you might live in Wisconsin.

7. If your town has an equal number of bars and
churches, you might live in Wisconsin.

8. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation
with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might
live in Wisconsin.

Part 2 - You know you're a true Wisconsinite when . . .

1. You measure distance in hours.

2. You know several people who have hit a deer more
than once.3. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in
the same day.

4. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during
a raging blizzard, without flinching.(I still can't do this)

5. You see people wearing camouflage at social events
(including weddings).
(Son's father-in-law wore camo hat to their wedding)

6. You install security lights on your house and
garage and leave both unlocked, and use your security
camera for watching deer.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car and your
girlfriend knows how to use them.

8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over
a snowsuit.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow.

10. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter,
still winter and road construction.

11. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a
deer next to your blue spruce.

13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking
age.

14. A brat is something you eat.

15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new
pole barn.

16. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

17. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due
to frost

18. You have more miles on your snow blower than
your car.

19. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

20. You drink pop and bake with soda.

21. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Wisconsin sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Wisconsin gets thicker.

20 Above Zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami are frozen solid.
Wisconsinites close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
People in Texas declare a national weather emergency.
The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Wisconsin start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank
God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced
in church services. Have a hearty laugh:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to
our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing
in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -
Up Yours."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works,
and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show you
too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you've started and never finished.

So I looked around my house to find all the things I
started and hadn't finished, and before I left the
house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos
and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking
good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need
of inner peace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its
comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great
questions and answers are from the days when
"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should
do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come
out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and
a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the
next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never
forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in
the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in
the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of
the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body,
what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish
on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes
in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.

What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you
should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I Am a Man

* Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
set in.

* Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to
the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start."

* Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't
an issue.

* Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items Like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For
all I know these are the same thing. And never under any
circumstances expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

* Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops work-
ing I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
it back together.

* Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

* Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and
no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why
would you listen to a complete stranger I mean, how could
he know where we're going?

* Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see
it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!

* Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without
it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we
just get out of here now? [From AndyChaps]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day

"Damn. I thought you were a quail"

"Sorry, Mr. Letterman, we're out of Viagra"

"Table for one?"

"You're not a cop, are you?"

"Sure a diamond is forever, but this copy of 'Dianetics'
will change your eternity"

"Uh, you know that movie 'Brokeback Mountain'..."

"Hmm, I thought IHOP would be busier"

"Mom, dad, meet my new boyfriend, Ayman Al-Zawahiri"

"Wait, Valentine's Day is in February this year?"

"I gave you the wrong necklace, honey -- that one's for my
mistress"

[From the Late Show with David Letterman]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Parents: You can't live with them... You don't exist without 'em."

"I'd rather be in no man's land than yes man's land."

"Coffee is liquid motivation."

"Nakedness is the only fashion that never goes out of style."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
~~ Otto von Bismarck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 5

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 5 February 6, 2007

With actual temperatures hovering around 10 below zero,
20mph winds, and wind chills hitting 30 something below
zero, I am huddled under a blanket and dreading getting
into the shower. But I gotta do it since the kids played with
bath foam and the tub has about an inch of it still in there.
I figure if I take a shower I may be able to coax it all down
the drain. I just know when I get out it will be too dang cold
in here. Don't even get me started on what the next heat
bill is gonna look like.

The master list of don't write, don't call lists
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/20/business/20money.html?ei=5070&em=&en=d344f7b8eb185d94&ex=1170651600&pagewanted=print

Rejected crayon colors
http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/crayons.htm

If you haven't discovered Wikihow yet they had a slew of
cool stuff this week (Google's home page offers Wikihow
of the day as an option.) Yes I am a big Google fan.
http://www.wikihow.com/Customize-Your-Cubicle-at-Work
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Chocolate-Bouquet
http://www.wikihow.com/Organize-Your-Desk
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Organized
http://www.wikihow.com/Create-an-Astrological-Chart

If you love languages this blog is dissecting idioms, their
literal translations, and their meanings
http://www.allabreve.org/insomniac/?p=666

Always fun and the best way to see nature when its -15 degrees windchill
http://www.nationalgeographic.com/index.html

Great cat links
http://www.keelerkom.com/links.html

Take a trip back in time when you look at these old pics
of Malls around America (Milwaukeans check out Southgate
circa 1966 on Jan 29 2007
http://mallsofamerica.blogspot.com/

This site is an online music studio that uses peer-to-peer
connections to eliminate lag times between live performers.
http://www.ejamming.com/

Find out what you did with your time quiz
http://www.wheredidthetimego.com/

Welcome to Road Sign Math, the newest driving road
game to sweep the country! Drive while improving your
math skills all at the same time!
http://www.roadsignmath.com/

Discover hundreds of little-known uses for well-known products,
by just clicking on a product!
http://www.wackyuses.com/uses.html

Fabulous Valentines ideas at Not Martha
http://www.notmartha.org/

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Starting tomorrow to improve his popularity President
Bush is going to jump up and down on Oprah's couch."
~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"To 'cc' or not to 'cc', that is the question." ~~ Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Criticism is prejudice made plausible. ~~ HL Mencken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Supreme Court ruled that the government has the
right to seize your land. And today Native Americans
said, what else is new?" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The American Film Institute did a survey of the greatest
movie lines of all time. Do you know what was ranked #1 was?
Clark Gable in gone with the wind, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't
give a damn.' The least-popular movie line of all time?
'Popcorn and your small soda, that'll be $9.75.'"
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mattel has announced they are taking auditions for the role
of Barbie in a Barbie musical. This announcement answers
that old question - what could be gayer than Ken?"
~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well the big story, the Los Angeles Police Department
announced they will no longer arrest famous people
who break the law. What's the point?" ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

In 1986 the National Park Service bought a half acre of
land in southwest Washington, DC, for $230,000. In 1988
someone discovered that the Park Service already owned
the land . . . they bought it in 1914.

When $122 million was allocated for an addition to the
Dirksen Office Building in Washington, DC, it went to give
the senators a THIRD gymnasium.

According to a 1989 report by the State Department Watch,
a private watchdog organization, the Department of State
issued eighteen thousand travel expense checks without
getting corroborating evidence for the expenses. One
check for $9,000 was issued to 'Ludwig van Beethoven'
whose Social Security number was listed as 123-45-6789.

$84,000 was approved by Congress for a project to discover
why people fall in love.
[They should have asked Frankie Lymon.]

During the 1980s Department of Defense efficiency experts
saved between $27 million and $136 million each year! How-
ever, the efficiency experts cost between $150 million and
$300 million each year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE TODDLER'S RULES

* If it is on, I must turn it off.

* If it is off, I must turn it on.

* If it is folded, I must unfold it.

* If it is liquid, it must be shaken then spilled.

* If it is solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.

* If it is high, it must be reached.

* If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.

* If it is pointed, it must be run with full speed.

* If it has leaves, they must be picked.

* If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.

* If it is trash, it must be removed, inspected and
thrown on the floor.

* If it is closed, it must be opened.

* If it does not open, it must be screamed at.

* If it has drawers, they must be rifled.

* If it is a pen or pencil, it must write on refrigerator,
monitor, TV or table.

* If it is full, it will be more interesting empty.

* If it is empty, it must be more interesting full.

* If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.

* If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.

* If it is a paper, it must be torn.

* If it has switches, they must be pressed.

* If the volume is low, it must go high.

* If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay
on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.

* If it is not food, it must be tasted.

* If it is food, it must not be tasted.

* If it is dry, it must be made wet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simple Home Remedies

1.) A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.

2.) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. You will then be afraid to cough.

3.) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them
while you chop away.

4.) Gentlemen can avoid arguments with the Mrs.
about leaving the toilet seat up by simply using
the sink.

5.) For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut
yourself and bleed for three minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6.) Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the headache.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Polish hunters from Chicago hire a pilot to fly them
to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six moose.

As they start loading the plane for the return trip home,
the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two men object strongly, stating, "Last year, we shot
six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he
had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane can't
handle the load and goes down a few minutes after they
takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Staslu asks Wladek, "Any
idea where we are"?

Wladek replies, "I think we're pretty close to where we
crashed last year!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The things Our Children Say

* "Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old grand-
daughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's
looking at me too hard."

* My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He
replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

* Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed,
"Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

* As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white
dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks
you're surrendering."

* Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a
baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he
has a mustache?"

* When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital
of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"

* While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing
so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we
shouldn't water it so much."

* My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going
to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's
going to the tire-o-practor?"

* Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend
complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly
responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used
yet."

* His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going
outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You
already have a son -- me!"

* When our son asked about two look-alike classmates
at school, we told him they were probably twins. The
next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said,
"Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Interesting True Tombstones!

* Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-
Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car
was on the way down. It was.

* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist -
All dressed up and no place to go.

* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die
Young.

* In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann,
who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.

* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The
children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them
manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil
sent him Anna.

* In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny
Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.

* In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the
body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas instead of the
brake.

* In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger but slow
on the draw.

* A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here
lies an honest lawyer, And that is strange.

* John Penny's
epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a penny.

* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of
June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here
lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It
wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the
thing that made her go.

* On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan
Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled
out and went to God.

* To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To
follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these:

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She
was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every
time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put
on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her
husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?"
he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this bit of fun - In Microsoft Word
type the characters inside the " marks "=Rand(200,99)"
then hit enter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Sheila for this great music from Kenny Wayne
Shepherd: scroll down left side for video cuts:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=116636258

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 4

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 4 February 1, 2007

Well so much for good intentions, this got much later in
than I had hoped. It includes many special links for
Groundhogs Day on Friday - (scroll down for those.)

Thanks to Mike for this great sidewalk art. Beever is an
English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement
of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium.
Beever gives to his drawings an amazing 3D illusion.
http://images.google.com/images?q=Julian+Beever&hl=en&lr=&sa=X&oi=images&ct=title

Right wingers declare these bands promote a "gay" message!
OK I see the whole Elton thing but Lou Rawls and Cole
Porter????
http://lovegodsway.org/GayBands

DUCT TAPE PROJECTS
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Duct-Tape-Cell-Phone-Case

Laugh at the antics of such characters as Obi Wan
Cannoli and Cuke Skywalker, but you'll also take away a
valuable lesson.
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html

This site is dedicated to painting faces on
thumbs and turning them into comic actors with the highlights
being several movie previews from actual film parodies
http://www.oentertainment.com/InsaneO/Thumbs/thumbintro.htm

Speed through Los Angeles, San Francisco, and New York
as a driver for hire. (Game) Try the free demo.
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,19880/description.html?tk=nl_hsxdwn

If Groundhogs Day is not of interest scroll down till you see
**********************************************

The link between Groundhogs Day and Chinese Astronomy
http://www.friesian.com/grndhog.htm



Next up is Groundhog's Day on Thursday February 2nd,
where the groundhog checks out his shadow and lets us
know how much more winter we have to face.

Here is the legend from Jimmy's site:
On February 2nd, the groundhog sticks his head out of
his burrow. If it is a sunny day, the groundhog will see
his shadow. Frightened, he will go back into his burrow,
and there he will nestle for more sleep. Winter will last
six more weeks.

If it is a cloudy day, the groundhog will not see his shadow.
Hungry after a long winter's sleep, the groundhog will
scamper off in search of food. Spring will come early.


My local Groundhog is Jimmy. His site has a song, history,
and the legends here:
http://www.groundhogcentral.com/

More Official Groundhog Sites
http://www.groundhogsday.com/links.php?cat_id=1


This site was recommended by the folks at Jimmys site:
it has sounds, videos, postcards, and humorous stories
(not jokes) about live groundhogs.
http://www.hoghaven.com/


On the East Coast its all about Punxsutawney Phil who they
believe is the only true weather forecasting groundhog. The
others are just impostors.
http://www.groundhog.org/


More Groundhogs Day songs, trivia and wallpaper
http://groundhog-day.123holiday.net/groundhog_day_songs.html


Stormfax keeps track back into the 1890's of the record
http://www.stormfax.com/ghogday.htm

The Groundhog from Canada Wiarton Willie
http://www.southbrucepeninsula.com/index.cfm?member=willie

Teaching themes for Groundhog Day, coloring pages, word
search, fill in the letter puzzles and more.
http://www.edhelper.com/Groundhog_Day.htm

**********************************************

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Voters in Los Angeles elected a new mayor -- Antonio
Villaraigosa. Voters admitted they only voted for him
because they want to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounce it."
~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"International soccer star David Beckham has signed a $250
million deal to play here in L.A. He's very popular. To give
you an idea of how popular he is today an L.A. jury awarded
him a not guilty sentence for any future murders."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
~~ W.C.Fields

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
~~ Adreienne E. Gusoff

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist
Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the
Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do
about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration
they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be
there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided
to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in
it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as
many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So,
they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a
few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels
were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and
then registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they
took one squirrel and had a short service with him called
circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel anywhere on
the property since.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts
out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC,
and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and
serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping
grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them
stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests
to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into
your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain
in the mall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David Letterman's Top Ten: Surprises in President
Bush's '60 Minutes' Interview

10. Interview was conducted in the Camp David hot tub
9. President refused to talk about anything except
Jennifer Hudson's performance in "Dreamgirls"
8. Announced his candidacy for the 2008 presidential
election
7. While walking through the woods, constantly ducking
Cheney buckshot
6. Vowed in the future he'll make much better mistakes
5. All the Heineken empties
4. Paused for a CIA briefing about likely Golden Globe
winners
3. His Andy Rooney-esque rant about hard-to-open
ketchup packets
2. Bush's tearful admission he bet entire United States
budget on the Chargers
1. Just like Britney - no underpants

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues to an archive
here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please respond
with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates