Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 8

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 8 February 28, 2005

Well President's Day brought out a rash of political quotes
and humor so don't say I didn't warn you.

If you missed the Oscars or just didn't have three and
a half hours to blow. Here are the results:
http://movies.nytimes.com/pages/movies/oscars/index.html?excamp=GGGN2005oscar
http://www.oscars.org/
http://www.oscar.com/
http://movies.yahoo.com/mv/oscars/


What a hoot! By now you have probably heard about or
seen an image of "The Gates", the latest exhibit in NYC's
Central Park by Cristo and Jeanne-Claude. If not:
http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/tg.html

Well now there is the antiCristo
http://www.not-rocket-science.com/gates.htm
with an fuller explanation here
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/19/arts/design/19gate.html?ex=1109134800&en=d0c255464ba0be93&ei=5070


Under the category of "now what" there is a new cell
phone virus out there.
http://www.surfsantamonica.com/ssm_site/the_lookout/news/News-2005/Feb-2005/02_23_05_Cell_Phone_Virus_Strikes_Santa_Monica.htm

Having one of those" Monday mornings? Share the
misery with others just like you.
http://www.iworkwithfools.com/

Try this huge selection of sound clips from cartoons,
movies, TV shows, comedy, spoofs, sound effects
and theme songs.
http://www.soundamerica.com

Just like real life except its free. Online game where
you are given pretend money to bet on the outcome
of current events. Categories include politics, sports,
entertainment, trials, and more.
http://www.lifebets.com/


hmmm have we all become Carrie Bradshaw . . .
it's all about shoes
http://shoeblogs.com/


If high end shoes (on sale) are your thing try
http://www.shopgco.com/
or
http://www.dswshoe.com/index.jsp
or
http://www.zappos.com/sale.zhtml


Erin sent me these photos but I thought the link
would work better. It's a church made of lego!
Really hard to believe all the work and detail here:
http://www.amyhughes.org/lego/church/


If you suffer from migraines there may be advice
here that can help:
http://managingmigraines.msn.com/article-archive.aspx

To most, physics is simply unapproachable. This site says
"NO WAY" give it a chance!
http://www.fearofphysics.com/


IN THE NEWS....
Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and
disabilities as possible, the human resources department
of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster
outside its main office. The poster has been placed
inside a display case with a glass front.

[This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put
braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Choose wisely, because what you want today, may
not be what you want tomorrow!"~~ Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless
you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and
you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations,
and our highest national priority is enforcing the U.N.
resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and
Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana
to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and
moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body,
but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting
all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals
and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the
troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and
combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you
someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't
have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the
public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him,
a good guy when Cheney did business with him and
a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin
Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support
for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in
the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages
and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General
John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives
they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist,
but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb

How many members of the Bush administration does it take
to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light
bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have
a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton
for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor,
standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb
Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book that
documents in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how
George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all
along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference
between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the passing of Hunter S Thompson (social critic)
Here are some of his more memorable quotes:

"Richard Nixon looks like a flaming liberal today, compared
to a golem like George Bush. Indeed. Where is Richard
Nixon now that we finally need him?"

"America... just a nation of two hundred million used car
salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no
qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries
to make us uncomfortable."

"A word to the wise is infuriating."

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-
to-five hours."

"Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-
style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect"

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

"Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads?"

"Yeah, we rocked the vote all right. Those little bastards
betrayed us again." ~~H. S. Thompson, on the youth vote

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to
anyone, but they've always worked for me."

For commentary on Hunter S Thompson
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2005/02/23/notes022305.DTL&nl=fix

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Do you think the War on Poverty is over? Why, yes, I
think it is, and the poor lost." ~~Comedian Rich Little,
impersonating Ronald Reagan at one of President Bush's
inaugural balls, prompting uproarious laughter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is the real joke or is it the sorry truth?
"A political candidate who jumps to conclusions without
knowing the facts is not a person you want as your
commander in chief." ~~President Bush

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility
is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law
and order in this country." ~~Sen. John Kerry, during
the third presidential debate

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"They don't call me Tyrannosaurus Sex for nothing."
~~Ted Kennedy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In a recent fire Bob Dole's library burned down. Both
books were lost. And he hadn't even finished coloring
one of them." —Jack Kemp

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil."
~~Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford
and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling
rights to George Bush's head." ~~Jim Hightower, former
Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder
Bush. If you want to hear what he has to say now:
http://hightower.fmp.com/weblog.php

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to
take care of itself." ~~Ronald Reagan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Everything is changing. People are taking their
comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
~~Will Rogers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it
everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying
the wrong remedies." ~~Groucho Marx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Watermelon . . . a fruit you can spit. Can life get any
better?" ~~Maxine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I don't have hobbies, I have interests. Hobbies cost
money. Interests are free."~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When they print the years of someone's birth and
death, can you resist figuring out how old they were?"
~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As you swim the river of life, do the breast stroke.
It helps to clear the turds from your path."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"They have luggage stores in airports. Who forgets their
suitcase? Have you ever seen a guy with an armload of
shirts going, 'Hurry, a suitcase?'" ~~Jay Mohr

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for
The Best Prayer I've Heard In A Long Time
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk
who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother
who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home
to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry
and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed,
disinterested young man who can't make change
correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student,
balancing his apprehension over final exams with his
fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging
for money in the same spot every day is a slave to
addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking
annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking
our shopping progress are savoring this moment,
knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back
last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping
together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts
you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to
share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts
not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show
patience, empathy and love.
Amen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike who sent "George Carlin's Views On Aging."
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like
to get old is when we're kids?If you're less than 10 years
old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't
hold you back.You jump to the next number ... or even
a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You
could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . .
YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had
to throw him out. There's no fun now. You're just a sour-
dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING
40. Whoa! Put on the brakes .. it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are
gone. But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think
you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50
and MAKE IT to 60. You've built up so much speed that
you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you
HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day
is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30;
you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the
90s, you start going backwards ... "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over
100, you become a little kid again."I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay "them!"
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle
mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is
Alzheimer's. . .
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often ... long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for
breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.The
only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love. . .whether it's ...
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Brandy & Poker Your home is your refuge. . .
8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can
improve, get help. . .
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall ... even
to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to
where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them at
every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people ... Who Cares?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for WISCONSIN HUMOR!

The town you grew up in had a bar called Ma's Place.

Your best shirt has a big letter G on it.

You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

You know what euchre and sheepshead are.

You caught a fish in Lake Michigan that glowed in the dark.

You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go
bar hopping between the ceremony and the reception.

You know that there is no ' r ' in Wausau.

You know at least a half dozen Ole and Lena jokes.

You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels
were off your bike.

Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your
3rd birthday.

You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving.

You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

You check the brand of every bathroom fixture you
encounter to see if it's a Kohler.

You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone
unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign.

You get irritated at sports announcers that pronounce
it "Wes-con-sin".

You own at least one cheese head.

You immediately think of fishing when you hear the
name "Shakespeare".

You spent more on beer than you did on food at your wedding.

You know that Kaukauna is NOT a Hawaiian Island.

You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't
immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a
county fair.

You know that "combine" is a noun.

You know what a FIB is.

You know that a pastie is not an article of clothing.

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your
tongue on a steel post.

You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

You can tell the difference between "real Wisconsin cheese"
and "that Illinois stuff".

You know that creek rhymes with pick.

Your class took a field trip to a brewery. . . in second grade.

Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.

You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark,
Berlin, and Poland all in one afternoon.

A Friday night date is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

There was at least one kid in your class who had to help
milk cows in the morning. . phew!

You have driven your car on a lake.

You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and "batree".

The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no
matter what the standings are.

You know that De Pere is not a wooden structure
extending into "Da Lake".

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You can leave your ice cream in the car while you go into
Fleet Farm, and it won't melt.

You always believed that vacation meant "going up north".

You have more fishing poles than teeth.

At every wedding you have been to you have had to
dance the hoky poky & the chicken dance.

You turn and look when someone shouts "hey, 'ski"!

You know what a bubbler is.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat
processing plant.

You know what "farmer's arms" are.

You laugh out loud every time you see a news report
about a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast.

Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you
know exactly what she means.

You include beer as one of the major food groups.

You saved the Zebco website as one of your favorites.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

FFA was the most popular club in high school.

You've seen a Hodag, or, at least you think that's what it was.

You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this naughty but funny one
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk,
they connect, they end up leaving together. They get
back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There
are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed
in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he
had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of
thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle
shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way
along the top shelf. She found it strange for a young
bloke to have such a large a collection of Teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention
this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, "Oh bless! Maybe this
guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children?"

She turns to him. They kiss... and then they rip each
other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After
an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest
and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the
bottom shelf."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for sending me

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend
to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs nointroduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something
that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy,
but now I can see your nuts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this:
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing
"good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody
needs to slap the shit out of her"...
You need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting
in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f..k do they want
now?".....You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you
want to say,"which one of you sons of bitches turned off
my computer?".....You need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and
a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...",
and you want to throw a stapler at him......
You need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first
thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hell does this
bitch want now?"and you try to hide underneath your
desk......... You need to pray at work.

When you are asked to stay late and help do someone
else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is,
"both of y'all can kiss my ass!!".... You need to pray at work.

When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone
who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only
to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy bastard"......
You need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and come back to find
a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no
one else would do it and you think,"sorry ass
M#$^%F%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching,
slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with......
You need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing
to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life
story ........ You need to pray at work.

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Amanda for this one too:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But
this week I got a call from the contractor complaining
that his work had been completed a whole year ago and
I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what
his fast talking, sales guy had told me last year...that in
one year the windows would pay for themselves. There
was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up
and I haven't heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More from Amanda
There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos.
During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers
contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash. Some are
sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since
there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send
all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted for
the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest
takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos
turning chips into cash. And he is known as ...

Are you ready? You're going to love this-

The CHIP-MONK

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for these great quotes from women:
(both famous and not so famous)

"Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what
the hell happened."~~Cora Harvey Armstrong

"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can
usually shut her up with cookies."

"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy."
~~Helen Hayes (at 73)

"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as
stray eyebrows."~~Janette Barber

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."
~~Lily Tomlin

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car."~~Carrie Snow

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with
your girlfriends."~~Laurie Kuslansky

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being,
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
~~Erma Bombeck

"Old age ain't no place for sissies."~~Bette Davis

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do
what he can't."~~Rhonda Hansome

"The phrase "working mother"! is redundant."~~Jane Sellman

"Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the
windows."~~Jennifer Unlimited

"Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
~~Charlotte Whitton

"Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your
body starts falling apart."~~Caryn Leschen

"I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days
attack me at once."~~Jennifer Unlimited

"If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning."~~Catherine

"When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for
two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And
they called ME slow!"~~Kathy Buckley

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb --and I'm also not blonde."~~Dolly Parton

"If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them."
~~Sue Grafton

"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on."
~~Roseanne Barr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country."~~Elayne Boosler

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
~~Maryon Pearson

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want
anything done, ask a woman."~~Margaret Thatcher

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career."~~Gloria Steinem

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I
keep his house."~~Zsa Gabor

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
~~Eleanor Roosevelt-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Thanks and have a great week!

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 7

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 7 February 21, 2005

If you missed the Grammys you can check it out here
http://www.grammy.com/index.aspx


Did you get lots of Valentines?
I hope they weren't as creepy as these:
http://iconomy.addr.com/those_other_sticky_valentines/creepy.html
Too funny to wait till next year:
http://www.badcupid.com/index.shtml

Engrish can be simply defined as the humorous
English mistakes that appear in Japanese ads
and product design. Engrish can be found all
over the world, but the vast majority of the really
funny and creative Engrish is from Japan.
http://www.engrish.com/

Wacky uses for ordinary products
http://www.wackyuses.com/uses.html

Fascinating history on Schlitz Brewing
http://www.chiptin.com/schlitz/index.htm

Greatest Films of the 60's
http://www.filmsite.org/60sintro.html

History, Awards and Entertainment Year by Year
http://www.infoplease.com/yearbyyear.html

Here we have the first rumblings against Roe v Wade http://www.aberdeennews.com/mld/aberdeennews/news/10877880.htm

They will just turn anything into trading cards.
If you decide to buy any don't miss the promo specials.
http://www.shel-tone.com/sh_trading_cards.html

Somebody with obviously way too much time on
their hands has completely redone Star Wars in
ASCII on telnet no less
telnet://towel.blinkenlights.nl/


Try this Job Predictor for fun
http://www.jobpredictor.com/index.asp

Listen in CD quality stream or download at
http://www.bandanablues.com or
http://www.live365.com/stations/32415

The most widely distributed Blues radio program
in the world and if you can't find a station to pick
up locally
http://www.bealestreetcaravan.com/index.cfm?ID=0.0

WMSE streams on the internet 24 7
http://www.wmse.org/schedule.php

Great site for Blues lyrics
http://www.theonlineblues.com/index.html


The Pill changes taste in Men
http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/ns/news/story.jsp?id=2005021612580002083512&dt=20050216125800&w=RTR&coview=

Wish I had seen this yesterday when we had a snow
day All kinds of things mystic (to read about)
http://www.themystica.com/mystica/info/Links.htm
http://www.themystica.com/mystica/info/topics.htm

THIS WEEK IN BLUES (AND SOUL) HISTORY
On Feb, 14th 1967, Aretha Franklin recorded her
cover of Otis Redding's "Respect" at Atlantic
Studios. It went to number one on the pop chart,
and stayed there for 2 weeks.

On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer
In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's
famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out
something like this....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.
What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I
watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What
I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,
3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch
a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One
isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my
money with?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer?

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Identifying Where A Driver Is From
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the accelerator
and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out
the window: Texas city male

* One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window,
keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center
of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which
case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to
antenna: West Virginia

* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with
the left blinker on: Florida

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by
smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who
really mean it. - Mark Twain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hehehe Pending Trombone Specific Legislation
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people
are killed, maimed or annoyed by trombones. The statistics
of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by reed
players, french horn and string sections seated within reach
of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking...not to
mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing
hearing problems reported by classical musicians of all
types who are forced to play the music of Wagner, Mahler
and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of the Herman,
Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory,
Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln, Jim Robinson, and Lee Gifford.

There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict
the sale of trombones and equip them with child-safety devices.
The influential trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this.
There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-
called "trigger lock" on all bass trombones!

Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children,
attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of
an unattended instrument on a stand in the corner of a room
or in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the
attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may
suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by
trying the same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't
know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse!

Trombones should be stored out of reach of children. Efforts
to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a
trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period
of time for law enforcement officials to cross-check the
purchaser's name against an International list of registered
trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been
repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer- Yamaha
(CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly
alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the
"sawed- off" trombone or "sackbut." Legislation is also
pending in several progressive states, including New York
and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone
a Class A felony!

Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already
on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as
the 1932 nation-wide ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate
use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised
emptying of spit valves on public property. Filthy unsanitary
habit which will help spread the flu this year.

One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior
is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those
using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a trombone -
Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially
effective in identifying violators of this statute because career
criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their
lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone
was really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon. Strict
enforcement has been especially effective when used in
conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes
that have already been approved by many state legislatures.

Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models -
both piston and the middle-European rotary, are much more
dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol
has also reported the sudden appearance of rear- blasting
Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely
eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the
1918 Treaty of Versailles signed by representatives of every
civilized country of the period. You may recall that those
instruments were melted down and became an integral part
of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite
America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of
these WMD's are isolated factories in rural areas of China.
The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass
trombone could never have been imagined by the founding
fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.

Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will
play "I'm Gettin' Sentimental Over You." (author unknown)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask,
Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for
all of that garbage." --George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Florida, where the state motto is:
"It May Not Be Progress, But Let's Build It Anyway"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All human beings should try to learn before they die what
they are running from, and to, and why. ~~James Thurber

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cherries, pineapples, watermelons, and grapes do not
ripen after picking.

Edward Haas (inventor) created peppermint Pez and their
unique dispenser to help smokers quit.

Putting popcorn in the fridge or freezer dries it out so it won't
pop as well.

Presidents Day trivia
William Henry Harrison gave the longest inauguration speech
(105 minutes). It's believed that led to his catching pneumonia
and his death within one month.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you hear this? Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison.
She's become a lean, mean, sewing machine."
--Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my
own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And
I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with
a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of
an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell
you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and
then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two
Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back
and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers
babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like
this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread
and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It
was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,
breathe." "They started counting, but never even got past ten."

"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered
in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center! , so
there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,
if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another Erica comes along.

Sometimes children help us to see the world as it is meant
to be. Life is so short that we sometimes don't take the time
to stop and smell the roses...Each one of you has special
place in my heart and I wish you the best this year and in the
years to come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I saw a picture of the inventor of the hydrogen bomb, Edwin
Teller, wearing a tie clip. Why would the man who invented a
bomb that destroys everything for fifty miles be concerned
about whether or not his tie was straight?"
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to
attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-
pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving
with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow
and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave
without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this
note: "Meet us at the bar across the street. You drove, you idiot."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
Women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that
this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around
vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.

Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"

The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he
asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly
pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders
and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less
you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good
woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman -
with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher -
and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in
the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So
does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best
places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any
place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing
is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping
on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less
you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues
way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying
lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and
Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle
of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just
done sat on it. I don't care.

21. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem.
Most folks singin' the Blues ain't never had much a chance for
education.

22. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight.
Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.

23. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at
authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone:
"I didn't wake up this morning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you see this? Yesterday, a 4.2 earthquake shook
Arkansas. Over 200 cars were knocked off their blocks.
In fact they said they haven't seen that many people get
under a desk since Clinton was governor."
--Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Grammy Awards are on Sunday. President Clinton
is nominated for an award. He’s up for Best Spoken Word
Album. Not surprisingly the word is 'booby.'"
--Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually
find me next door playing pinball. ~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The mayfly lives only one day, and sometimes it rains."
~~ George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my
keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Erin for more Alcohol warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American
liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion
that the following warning labels be placed immediately
on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major contributor
to dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think
you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in
the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex
without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you
can tipe real gode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also thanks to Erin
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.
Touching words from the mouth of babes. A group of
professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got
were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it
for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.
That's love." Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My
Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they
kiss." Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million
more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears
it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I
looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving
and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down
and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she
doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose
of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner
was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Erin
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking
his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should
have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married,
you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...
maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well, how
about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and
I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ' Screw You', and I
holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this one:
You may not know that many non-living things have a
gender. For example

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off,
it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-
inflated. (ouch)

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable
and retain water

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over
the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be
male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons
to push, he keeps trying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Thanks and have a great week!

End of the Day

Well its been a wild one . . . hahaha. Tomorrow we are headed to the circus:
http://www.shrinecircusinfo.com/Locations/WISCONSIN/Madison/Madison%20Acts/Acts%20in%20Madison.htm

http://www.digitalcity.com/milwaukee/entertainment/event.adp?evid=894831

http://www.geocities.com/shrinetemples/Zor/Units/clowns.html
This should be great!

The right blog

Searching for the right blogging site is not as easy as it looks. Been there before with website creation. Hoping with the resources of Google behind this site it won't disappoint. So far this looks straightforward and well thought out. After I explore my options I will post more here. The text and template selections are first rate. I am unable to get the image posting completed at this point.

Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 5

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 5 February 7, 2005

Well was the local groundhog good to you? Did he see his
shadow? Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow Wednesday
on Gobbler's Knob, suggesting another six weeks of wintry
weather. On the other hand Jimmy right here in Sun Prairie
Wisconsin predicted early spring. Hooray! See pics:
http://www.groundhogcentral.com/2005.php

More animal lore weather reports
http://reuters.myway.com/article/20050202/2005-02-02T135000Z_01

This is just too much! "Right wing conservative Focus on
the Family tags Sponge Bob with “We see the video as an
insidious means by which the organization is manipulating
and potentially brainwashing kids,” Dobson’s press rep told
a slack-jawed media last week. “It’s a classic bait-and-switch.”
and as it “crosses a moral line”. For pity sake this is a video
that promotes diversitybut of course these "Christians" with
their ridiculous viewpoint can only see that those stamped
from the same cookie cutter have the appropriate values.
Like I have always said some people just need something to
do with their time (like real work).
http://www.shepherd-express.com/shepherd/26/05/cover_story.html

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras which has been
expanded into the season between Epiphany and Ash
Wednesday in some southern locales, but if you ever
wondered about the history, here is the viewpoint of the
Catholics who started it all.
http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/MardiGras/T

The links for Mardi Gras I sent last week are still up for info
(some have cams)
http://www.mardigras.com/
http://mglinks.com/

mother lode of links http://www.mardigrasday.com/mardigras/
http://www.mardigrasneworleans.com/
http://www.mardigrasdigest.com/
http://www.mardigrasunmasked.com/
http://www.howstuffworks.com/mardi-gras.htm

But up here in the North we are far more likely to have
Paczki than King Cake on Tuesday. This is a filled donut
often prune or poppy seed and generously dusted with
powdered sugar.
http://home.comcast.net/~osoono/ethnicdoughs/paczki/paczki.htm
http://www.pumpernick.com/paczki.html
http://www.chowhound.com/midwest/boards/chicago3/messages/21577.html

Recipe http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art17905.asp

Even Pick 'N Save is onto these treats
http://www.picknsave.com/htmdocs/weekly_specials/specials.asp?scrollaction=2&storenum=41

Wednesday 2-9 is also Chinese New Year (get your cleaning
done since its bad luck to do so on Chinese New Years Day)
It’s 4702, the Year of the Rooster
http://www.c-c-c.org/chineseculture/festival/newyear/newyear.html
http://www.web-holidays.com/lunar/http://www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/chinesenewyear/
http://www.gio.gov.tw/info/festival_c/spring_e/spring.htm
http://www.educ.uvic.ca/faculty/mroth/438/CHINA/taboos.html
http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/2005.htm

Coloring pages and crafts for kids
http://www.dltk-holidays.com/china/color/
http://www.theholidayspot.com/chinese_new_year/crafts/index.htm
http://www.eduplace.com/monthlytheme/january/newyear_activities.html

Even more links about Chinese New Years
http://chineseculture.about.com/library/weekly/topicsub1.htm

From Mike
Before and after tsunami pictures of Sri Lanka and Indonesia.
There are 20 different sets of 2 photos, so use before and then
click before again to get the exact scene after the wave hit. Then
scroll over To the right top and click next to see the next set of
before and after until all 20 sets are seen. This is an amazing site
and they show the most damage toward the last. click here......
http://homepage.mac.com/demark/tsunami/9.html

So many people whose lives will never be the same are going
hungry now while we continue our normal lives. If you want to
help but don't know where, here are some suggestions from
Google http://www.google.com/tsunami_relief.html

Starting Feb 19 Degas sculpture at the Milwaukee Art
Museum. All 73 bronze sculptures, plus 20 of Degas' two-
dimensional works at the only venue in the Midwest.
Running till June 5. While you are there don't neglect to
see the 20,000 items represented in the regular collection
from ancient art thru contemporary, even modern
advertising is shown. Although The museum is free to
county residents Mon. and Sat from 10 to noon, the special
Degas exhibit has a fee of $12 per adult.
http://www.mam.org/exhibitions/index.aspx

People still exiting the US after elections
http://iht.com/bin/print_ipub.php?file=/articles/2005/02/06/news/refuge.html

We can thank our lucky stars for this
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050206/us_nm/politics_cheney_dc_6

SlangSite.com is a dictionary of slang, webspeak, made up
words, and colloquialisms. Click on a letter to browse the
listings, or submit your own words to the site!
http://www.slangsite.com/

We always knew the taxman had no sense of humor
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050204/D881MRIG1.html

Here is the hormone alert warning system thanks to Amanda
http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z

"Fug comes from fugly, which is a contraction of fantastically
ugly (or an f-word more prurient, if you like, but we are clean
and delightful young ladies who don't engage in that kind of
filth, dammit)."
http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/

Teen sent to prison for internet virus
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=562&u=/ap/20050128/ap_on_hi_te/internet_attack_3&printer=1

Is this the next Harry Potter type smash hit book?
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1471249,00.html

ASCAP has filed copyright infringement suits
http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/050124/245738_1.html

Stop the Government Propaganda Act bill proposed in Senate
http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1000778976

A Florida man has been charged with felony child abuse for
allegedly disciplining his 14-year-old son with a stun gun.
The man admitted to investigators he used the electrical
device on the boy last month. He told police the boy was
wrestling with his brother, holding up the family's departure
from home, the Smoking Gun said. He said the children were
"not listening," said he pulled the stun gun from his dresser
drawer and used it to zap his son on the arm. The child
screamed and then "got into the vehicle," according to a
Martin County Sheriff's Office report. The victim said that he
was shocked twice, pointing to marks on his arm and abdomen.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0126051stun1.html

Thanks to Mike we have the TV program listings for black
history month on PBS, History Channel and Disney for more try:
http://www.infoplease.com/spot/bhm1.html
http://www.biography.com/blackhistory/
http://www.kn.pacbell.com/wired/BHM/AfroAm.html
http://www.galegroup.com/free_resources/bhm/

Although the UK respects Black History Month its at a
differenttime, but this is a great site anyway
http://www.black-history-month.co.uk/

HISTORY CHANNEL
http://www.historychannel.com/blackhistory/
February 5 7pm ET/PT Go Tell It on the Mountain: The
History of Black Preachers
February 12 7:30pm ET/PT Conspiracy?: Who Killed
Martin Luther King Jr.?
8pm ET/PT Save Our History: Voices of Civil Rights
February 15 10 pm ET/PT Modern Marvels: George
Washington Carver Tech
------------------------------------------------------------------
THE DISNEY CABLE CHANNEL
Unleash your creativity here
http://www.disney.go.com/disneychannel/imagineerthat/tips.html
Koi & The Kola Nuts is an animated version of an African folktale.
Narrated by Whoopi Goldberg, this program tells the story ofKoi,
a villager who must either complete three impossible tasks or end
up in the cooking pot. Along the way, Koi makes three unlikely
friends who save his life and help him to find his rightful place in
the world. This 30 minute program premieres on Wednesday,
February 10 at 7 p.m., PST.

Nightjohn, a live action motion picture, tells the fictional story
of a slave in the pre-Civil War South who believes that literacy
can be a strong weapon against the cruel physical and mental
barriers of slavery. He courageously defies the laws which forbid
the teaching of slaves how to read and write. Nightjohn, which is
just over 90 minutes in length, premieres on Tuesday, February
2 at 7:30p.m., PST. It stars Carl Lumbly, Beau Bridges, Allison
Jones andLorraine Toussaint, among others.

On Promised Land is the story of two families, one black the
other white. Set in the rural south of the 1950s, the story shows
how their lives are drawn together by common dreams and
broken promises. It stars Joan Plowright, Norman D. Golden
II, Judith Ivey and Carl Lumbly and runs just over 90 minutes.
It premieres on Tuesday, February 2 at 9:15 p.m., PST

One Day tells the story of four youngsters as they prepare to
celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. As they prepare
to write essays about the slain civil rights leader they learn that
they don't really understand Dr. King, his accomplishments, or
his vision. Thanks to the help of a seamstress who is also at the
celebration they learn that anyone, no matter how big or how
small, can make a difference in life. The program stars Loretta
Devine, EdBeagley Jr., James Ingram and Kirk Franklin. One
Day is 30 minutes in length.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
PBS
(times and shows may vary - CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS)
http://www.pbs.org/

CHICAGO PBS-WTTW CH 11 Times and Days
P.O.V.: Chisholm '72 -- Unbought and Unbossed Mon. Feb. 7
from 10-11:30 p.m. This documentary recaptures the times
and spirit of a watershed event in American politics, when
Shirley Chisholm, an African-American woman, dared to
take an equal place on the presidential dais. The NY (Dem)
congress-woman's bid engendered strong and sometimes
bigoted opposition, setting off currents that affect American
politics and social perceptions to this day.

Slavery and the Making of America:
The Downward Spiral/Liberty in the Air Wed. Feb. 9 from
9-11 p.m. The first hour covers the period from 1619
through 1739 and spotlights the origins of slavery in
America, focusing on Dutch New Amsterdam (later New
York City). This installment shows how slavery in its early
days was a loosely defined labor source similar to indentured
servitude: Africans and others of mixed race and/or mixed
culture had some legal rights, could take their masters to
court and could even earn wages as they undertook back-
breaking labor involved in building a new nation: clearing
land, constructing roads, unloading ships.

But further south, the story of John Punch served as an
omen of things to come. Captured after attempting to escape
his tobacco plantation, he received a sentence far harsher
than the two white men who ran with him. Indeed, in the
Carolinas, where the enslaved were teaching struggling
white planters how to grow the wildly lucrative crop "oryza"
(rice), the labor system was already progressing towards the
absolute control, dehumanizing oppression and sheer racism
today most commonly associated with slavery.

The first hour culminates with the bloody Stono rebellion in
South Carolina, which led to the passage of "black codes,"
regulating virtually every aspect of slaves' lives. The second
part spans the 1740s through the 1830s, exploring the
continued expansion of slavery in the colonies, the evolution
of a distinct African-American culture and the roots of the
emancipation movement.

The episode reveals the many ways the enslaved resisted
their oppression, their role on both sides of the Revolutionary
War, and the strength and inspiration many of them found
in the Declaration of Independence and Constitution, despite
the inherent contradictions that lay in what the documents
expressed and what the country practiced. Further
emphasizing these inherent contradictions is the profile of
the relationship between Thomas Jefferson - the man who
wrote so eloquently about liberty - and his life-long servant
Jupiter, one of 90 slaves on the Jefferson family plantation.
Also featured is the story of Titus. Enslaved in central New
Jersey, he fled his cruel master at the onset of the American
Revolution and later returned to the area as "Colonel Tye,"
the leader of a band of black and white guerillas fighting for
the British. In fact, far more black people fought for the
British than for the colonists, believing they would be freed
if the British proved victorious in the Revolution.

The second hour introduces Mum Bett, whose successful
lawsuit against her owner helped pave the way for the
1783 abolition of slavery in Massachusetts, and David
Walker, whose landmark missive 'An Appeal to the Colored
Citizens of the World' marked the first expression of black
nationalism and terrified slave owners by urging black
people to empower themselves.

On Stage at the Kennedy Center: The Mark Twain Prize
-- Whoopi Goldberg Sat. Feb. 12 from 9-11 p.m. Whoopi
Goldberg was the first woman to receive the Kennedy
Center's Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. This
program features an all-star cast paying tribute in film
clips, interviews, and comic performances.

We Shall Not Be Moved Mon. Feb. 14 from 10:30-11:30
p.m. The story of how southern African-American
congregations and their ministers forged a non-violent
revolution to " redeem the very soul of America" in the
`50s and early `60s. The segregationist South responded
to the non-violent demonstrations with dogs, firehoses,
vicious beatings and humiliation -- many activists lost
their lives as a result. The great demonstrations that
shook the Deep South during this era have been
imprinted on the American consciousness in news
footage and in iconic photographs. This moving
documentary focuses on the tactical brilliance and
organizational skill ofthe black clergy, who knew how to
wage a well- orchestrated campaign of peaceful resistance,
and who awoke the entire world to thejustice of their cause.
These clergy were possessed of a faith thatinspired their
own people to seemingly impossible acts of courage and
self-sacrifice.

Chicago Stories: John Callaway One-on-One with Mary
Mitchell Wed. Feb. 16 from 8:30-9 p.m. Callaway conducts
an exclusive interview with the provocative Chicago Sun-
Times columnist.Slavery and the Making of America: Seeds
of Destruction/The Challenge of Freedom Wed. Feb. 16
from 9-11 p.m. The series' third hour looks at the period
from 1800 through the start of the Civil War, during which
slavery entered its final decades.

As the nation expanded west, the question of slavery became
the overriding political issue of the time. These years saw
an increasingly militant abolitionist movement and a
widening rift between the North which had largely outlawed
slavery but continued to reap the vast economic benefits of
the system - and the South, now home to millions of enslaved
black men, women and children. This is the period of slavery
most commonly depicted in history books and captured by
such dramas as the famed miniseries "Roots"; the segment
recounts a number of personal plights just as moving as
those Alex Haley chronicled. Exemplifying the kind of
emotional trauma the slaves endured are Harriet Jacobs
and Louis Hughes. Jacobs, born in North Carolina in 1813,
grew up dodging a lecherous master and eventually fled
his home, then spent seven years hiding out in her grand-
mother's dark, suffocating attic, watching her children
from a tiny hole in the wall. Hughes and his wife, Matilda,
worked together in the McGee household in Mississippi,
where their newborn twins died because their mother
was granted no time to feed or care for them.

Decades before these stories unfolded, leading southerners
such as George Washington and Thomas Jefferson had
been convinced slavery was nearing its end. But the
Louisiana Purchase and the Mexican War brought vast
new territories into the United States, and the battle
between those for and against slavery intensified. By
1860, every attempt at striking an agreement - the
Missouri Compromise, the Compromise of 1850, a
draconian federal fugitive slave law - had failed,
splitting the Union.

The series' final hour follows the life of Robert Smalls as
it takes viewers through the Civil War, Reconstruction
and beyond. Smalls was a South Carolina slave who rode
a stolen Confederate ship to freedom, became a sailor in
the Union Navy, bought the mansion in which he had
been enslaved and went on to a long, successful career
in politics.

Another major element of this hour is the transformation
of the Civil War from a conflict intended to restore the
Union to a conflict over slavery. In 1863, Abraham
Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing
all slaves under the control of the Confederate government.
In 1865, with the South defeated, the nation adopted the
13th, 14th and 15th Amendments to the Constitution
(respectively ending slavery, declaring all African Am-
ericans citizens and granting all African-American males
the right to vote).

The Reconstruction period that followed offered promise
to the newly freed slaves, but by the 1876 presidential
election the North had tired of dealing with civil rights
and decided to leave the issue of the treatment of the
freed slaves to the southern states, where many former
Confederate leaders had taken the helm of government.
With Smalls as framework, this final installment looks at
the rise of the Ku Klux Klan and militant opposition to
black rights, the end of Reconstruction and its replacement
with a whole new kind of legalized oppression.

America: Beyond the Color Line with Henry Louis Gates,
Jr. - South: the Black Belt/Chicago: Streets of Heaven Sun.
Feb. 20 from 1-3 p.m.
In the first hour, Gates travels to Memphis, Birmingham,
and Atlanta - once the battlegrounds on which civil rights
were won for black southerners in the 1950s and 60s.
Then, Gates goes inside the notorious housing projects in
Chicago's South Side - the Robert Taylor and the Ida B.
Wells - to find out from the people who live there what
life is like for America's "underclass."

America: Beyond the Color Line with Henry Louis Gates,
Jr. - East Coast: Ebony Towers/Los Angeles: Black
Hollywood Sun. Feb. 20 from 3-5 p.m. Beginning in
Harvard, Gates travels to Washington, DC and New
York to ask if this new black power elite represents
genuine progress for black America as a whole. In the
final hour, Gates asks whether Hollywood is institutionally
racist or whether it is becoming increasingly color-blind
in pursuit of the box office dollar.

American Experience: Malcolm X -- Make It Plain Mon.
Feb. 21 from 9-11:30 p.m. This portrait of the man who
expressed the anger of African-Americans and their
insistence on dignity and freedom reflected the intellectual
journey of a complex man whose ideas continue to resonate.
To create this documentary biography of Malcolm X, the
producer Orlando Bagwell spent two years uncovering
archival material and collecting unprecedented interviews
with his associates and family members, including Malcolm's
brothers and sisters, and wife Betty Shabazz.

Chicago Stories: Harlem Globetrotters Wed. Feb. 23
8:30-9 pm.They weren't from Harlem; they were from
Chicago. And the extent of their early "globetrotting"
included places like Hinckley, Illinois; Williamsburg, Iowa;
and Hartford Wisconsin. So just how did five African-
American athletes from the South Side, and a short,
Jewish man from the North Side together launch an
international sensation? Harlem Globetrotters: The
Team that Changed the World Thurs. Feb. 24 from
8-9 p.m. A new local documentary that takes a close-up
look at the legendary African-American basketball team.

American Masters: Muddy Waters -- Can't Be Satisfied
Thurs. Feb. 24 from 9-10 p.m. This documentary traces
the career of seminal bluesman Muddy Waters from his
beginnings picking cotton to his death from cancer in 1983.
His spirit and rough-hewn personality are revealed through
frank interviews with his family, mistress and the last of
his four wives. The intensity of Waters' music is evoked
through rare film clips and early interviews with Waters
himself, as well as intimate conversations with band mates
and musical cohorts.

Briars in the Cotton Patch: the Story of Koinonia Sun. Feb.
27 from 2-3 p.m. This program tells the story of a small
Christian community in southwest Georgia terrorized in
the 1950s and 60s for its stand on racial equality.

On to the chuckles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rules of Composition Tips with English Grammer
1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without
an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence
should.
15. begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-
wordphrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we
use commas
18. to keep a string of items apart.
19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into
our language.
20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
22. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
23. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid cliches like the plague.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men vs. Women --- Let The Games Begin …
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will
cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends. Then she will
write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' and get on with her
life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will
call and say,'I just called to let you know you ruined my life
. . . I'll never forgive you . . . I hate you . . . you're a total
floozy. . .but, I want you to know that there's always a
chance for us.'

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about
three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate
about money, they don't know football nearly as well as
they think they do, and they fabricate stories about their
experiences with women.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most
17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old
males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work out.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a
towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man wouldn’t
be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs
and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A
man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches
the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this
will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but
when women aren't looking, men hiss at them.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about
her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
their soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping,
water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A
man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including
his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago,
before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent
a U-Haul truck and take his mountain of clothes to the
Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of
old American sitcoms.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she
goes through a variety of complicated emotional,
psychological, and biological changes. The nature and
degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction . . .
he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they
reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never
grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's,
Graphic equalizers, Video games, just about anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to
operate.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A
man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any
more than that and he will look like a lounge singer
named Ramone.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in
five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of
time as when a man says the football game just has
five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole
time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words
all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or
“Got anymore beer?'


RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological
reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men
in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history
of the world has a man excused himself from a
restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just
about to use the “little boys” room. Do you want to
join me?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side
effects real? ~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One reason for maintaining only a small circle of
friends is that three out of four murders are
committed by people who know the victim.
~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What exactly is wrong with inmates running the asylum?
It seems to me they're in the ideal position to know
what's needed. ~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Civilization began its downhill path the day some
guy first uttered the words, "A man's gotta do what
a man's gotta do." ~~George Carlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a cold winter's night in Vermont, I ventured out
to go shopping with my 3-year-old, 2-year-old, and
infant son. Since I was holding my infant son, I
could only hold on to one of the other boys to
cross the street from parking lot to the store. So
I had the 3-year-old's hand and he had the 2-year-
old's hand. As we crossed the street, the 2-year-old
let go of his brothers hand and stood in the middle
of the street. Before I could say a word and much to
my surprise, my 3-year-old put his hands on his hips
and shouted to his brother, "You better get out of
the street, Mark, or you're gonna see Jesus before
your time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The class assignment was to write about something
unusual that happened during the past week. Little
Johnny got up to read his, "Papa fell in the well last
week..." he began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Koop. "Is he all right
now?"

"He must be," said little Johnny. "He stopped yelling
for help yesterday."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
were serious enough to take the trucking company
responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what
happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie,
into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe replied, "Well, I had just got Bessie into
the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on
the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her then he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand
and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad
shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fun in the news
SUSSEX EVE ARGUS (20TH DEC 1990)Athlete John
Oliver, 31, went all the way from Dorset, England,
to Nepal - a journey of over 5,000 miles - to take
part in his first marathon, only to sprain his
ankle on the starting line.

DAILY MIRROR (25TH MAY 1990)Security measures
bring their own headaches. In Broadway,
Worcestershire, England, in 1990, a safe was
unlocked for the first time since its key had
been lost in 1942. All it contained was a note
urging people not to lose the key.

DAILY TELEGRAPH (16 SEPT 1986)In Mumbles, Swansea,
England, Robin Branhall got tired of vandals who
had broken the window of this surfing shop more
than 20 times, so he fitted an unbreakable one.
Arriving at his shop next day, he found the entire
window had been stolen.

REUTERS (20TH JULY 1994)Likewise, a Dutchman who
invested more than $1,000 in a police trained guard
dog to protect his house in Schalkhar woke up two
days later to find the house had been broken into.
The only thing the burglars had taken was the dog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q:What do you call a Chinese man with green hair?
A:Brock Lee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q:What do you call a cat that has just eaten a
whole duck?
A:A duck filled fatty puss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile
takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and
sold off piece by piece." ~~ Lisa Simpson to Marge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks
for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe
on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the
keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the
street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the
car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president
and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it
there.Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The
loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While
you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would
you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can
I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it
to be there when I return?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Facts from having children that you probably didn’t know…

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to
fill a 2000 sq. foot ranch house 1/4 inch deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and
run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults
in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan,
the motor isn't strong enough to rotate a 42-pound
boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.
It is however strong enough, if tied to a paint can,
to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot
room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the
ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as
a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and
lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can
only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can
start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive
tract of a four-year-old.
11. "PlayDough" and "Microwave" should never be
used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PJB sandwiches even though
TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife went to the police station with her next-door
neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's
35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-
spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is
5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean
to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words to build your vocabulary...

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing
the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act,
when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece
of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and
picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the
piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing
on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the
germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two
people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theater.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that
refuses to beswept onto the dust pan and keeps
backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk
container so badly that one has to resort to the
`illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy
restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking
around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of
dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you
were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on
a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least
twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Procrastinator's Creed
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it
would have been done already. I shall never move
quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.I shall meet all of my deadlines
directly in proportion to the amount of bodily
injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility
for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a
reprieve from my obligations. I truly believe that
all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.If at first I don't succeed,
there is always next year.I shall always decide not
to decide, unless of course I decide to change my
mind.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take
the first step,and/or write the first word, when I
get around to it. I will never put off tomorrow,
what I can forget about forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for this
Reason to Never Piss Off a Woman
A wife came home just in time to find her husband
in bed with another woman. With super-human strength
borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out
the back door,and into the tool shed in the backyard
and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up
a hacksaw.The husband was terrified, and screamed,
"Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put
the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm
going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you
have to."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a
deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck
on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's
certainly not a ship."And, as the speck got
closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-
suited black clad figure. Putting aside the
scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there
stood a drop-dead gorgeous redhead!The glamorous
redhead strode up to the stunned Irishman and
said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With
that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed
pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes
one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and
begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop
of good Irish whiskey?" asked the redhead.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the redhead reaches over to her
right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask
and hands it to him. He opened the flask and
took a long drink."'Tis nectar of the Gods!"
stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous redhead started to
slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit,
right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked,"And how long has it
been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to
his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell
me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that
primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an
anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips
an older person has to make to the bathroom during
the night.They will be marketing the new wine as
Pino More.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How's your aging intelligence? Take the following
test presented here And determine if you are
losing it or are still "with it." The spaces are
so you don't see the answers until you have made
your own . . . OK, relax, clear our mind and . . .
begin. ===========1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then
give up now and go do something else. Try not to
hurt yourself. If yousaid, "bread," go to Question 2.

------------------------------------

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.If you said "milk,"
please do not attempt the next question.Your
brain is obviously over stressed and may even
overheat.It may be that you need to content
yourself with reading something more appropriate
such as "Children's World." If you said, "water"
then proceed to Question 3.

-----------------------------------------

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and
a blue house is made from blue bricks and a
pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
house is made from black bricks, what is a
greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you
said "greenbricks," what the devil are you still
doing here reading these questions?? If you said
"glass," then go on to Question 4.

-----------------------------------------

4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a
degree everyminute then how many degrees will
the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees"
or anything other than "one degree," you are to
be congratulated on getting thisfar, but you are
obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil
in and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

-----------------------------------------

5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus
from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17
people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off
the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people
get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off
and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off
and five people get on. InCarmathen, six people get off
and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What
was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember?
It was YOU!

Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope they
do better than you did!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and finally still from Mike (who is part Indian)
THE BUREAU OF CAUCASIAN AFFAIRS
United Native Americans is proud to announce that it
has purchased the state of California from the whites
and is throwing it open for Indian settlement.UNA bought
California from three winos found wandering in San
Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen
for the white people of California.These winos promptly
signed the treaty, which was written in the Lakota
language,and sold California for three bottles of wine,
one bottle of gin,and four cases of beer.

Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs,
has announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby
give the whites four large reservations of ten acres each at
the following locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats,
TheBadlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These
reservations shall belong to the whites "for as long as the
sunshines or the grass grows" (or until the Indians want it
back.)

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust
for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any
white who wants to use his land in any way must secure
permission from Commissioner Brightman. Of course,
whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at
stands by the highway.

Each white will be provided annually with one blanket,
one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of
'The Life of Crazy Horse'. If you are competent enough,
you will be able to be a BCA reservation superintendent.
Applicants must have less than one year of education, must
not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality,
proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No
whites need apply.

Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of
the four boarding schools, to which white youngsters will
be sent at theage of six (6). "We want to take those kids
far away from the backward culture of their parents," he
said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the
Florida Everglades, Point Barrow Alaska, and Hong Kong.
All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and there
will be demerits for any child caught speaking English.
All students arriving at the school will immediately be
given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian
language, spirituality and hunting skills.

Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows:
Whites at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital;
those at the Utah Salt Flats may go to the Juneau, Alaska
Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the Miami Beach
Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital
in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-
time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed
first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a scalpel,
a jack knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle of
aspirin.

In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, sports teams
and products will be given traditional white names. One
famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his
upcoming film, 'Custer's Last Stand', he will use many actual
whites to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English.
But of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted
Indian actor Jay Silverheels.

Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed.
Whites will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions,
and will be required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries
will be sent from each Indian Nation to convert the whites on
the reservations.White churches will either be made into
amusement parks or museums, orthey will be torn down and
the bricks and ornaments sold as novelties, souvenirs and
curiosities. ----

"Only the winners decide what were war crimes."Author
Gary Wills

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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