Fun on the Web vol 4 Issue 12
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 4 Issue 12 March 28, 2005
Well its not too late for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the
White House. It will be held Monday, March 28 from 8 am
to 2 pm on the South Lawn.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/easter/2005/
This gives "the Easter Bunny Hippity Hoppin . . . on his way"
a whole new meaning
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/10664
If Easter isn't over then its time for history and traditions
of Easter from Encarta via MSN
http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761568507/Easter.html
We also just celebrated Purim. (This year Passover does not
coincide near the time of Easter as it does in may years. The
years when Easter falls earliest Passover falls latest. This year
Passover is May 1st.)
http://www.jewfaq.org/holiday9.htm
At this time I am unsure if Terri Schiavo is still with us but to
dispell the myths here is a timeline on the whole sad mess.
You may wish to look at the myths section since most of us
only know what we have read and don't realize there are many
doctors who don't belive she is in a persistant vegetative state.
http://www.terrisfight.net/
"God not only plays dice. He also sometimes throws the
dice where they cannot be seen." ~~ Stephen Hawking
Just in time for April Fools
http://www.getannoyed.com/
Brick house stolen!!!!
http://www.tylerpaper.com/site/news.cfm?BRD=1994&dept_id=341384&newsid=14200839&PAG=461&rfi=9
The disappearance of the honeybee can have a far
reaching effect on crops.
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/localnews/content/local_news/epaper/2005/03/28/m1a_honeybees_0328.html
If you are anything like me, you are sick of the cold and
grey days of winter. Somehow a craft project helps me
through it so I have been searching for yarn like I used
for a blanket I made previously. It's Bernat Coordinates,
a very soft yarn suitable for babies or anyone, washes in
the machine and just keeps on getting softer. I looked here
only to find a yarn sale AND free shipping on orders over
$25 thru 3/31/05 with code CRAFTFSH525
http://www.joann.com/content/tabs/main.jhtml
They have online sales and a regular sale flyer plus some
clearance items. They have free project directions too.
More project ideas at:
http://www.bernat.com/
http://www.lionbrand.com/
http://www.coatsandclark.com/our_company/red_heart.htm
http://www.caron.com/index.html
http://www.straw.com/cpy/free_patterns.html
http://www.michaels.com/art/online/home
http://www.modadea.com/designs.htm
http://www.patonsyarns.com/index.php
For more exotic yarns and projects
http://www.yarnmarket.com/
http://www.yarndex.com/
http://www.letsknit.com/
http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/207.asp
http://www.thesmartyarns.com/project1.html
http://crochet.about.com/od/scrapyarn/
http://www.awesomeewe.com/
While you are in the shopping mode, these sale prices make
these darling pj's affordable:
http://sleepyheads.com/
While I think of it, Bella Online is a great resource. They say
"We believe that women, not search engines, are best able
to collect, organize, and share content on the Web." It's
one of those sites that make a great bookmark.
http://www.bellaonline.com/
More great bookmarks
http://www.drudgereport.com/
http://www.refdesk.com/
http://www.google.com/
http://www.ivillage.com/
http://www.mapquest.com/
Four word film review (need I say more?)
http://www.fwfr.com/default.asp
Creepy new technology (scanners)
http://news.com.com/Photo:+I+spy+security+scanner/2009-7348_3-5616530.html?tag=fd_nbs_ent&tag=nl.e433
Homeowner Articles from MSN
http://houseandhome.msn.com/library/financelibrary.aspx
Not that I'm advocating this service but if you have storage
needs, or if you want to migrate to a new computer, or travel
and access your stuff from some other computer this sounds
great and 10 GB's for free works pretty well for most stuff
(games, music, and pictures can eat up space pretty quickly).
You can upgrade for $4 to $40 a month depending on needs.
http://msn.pcworld.com/reviews/article/0,aid,119631,00.asp
http://www.streamload.com/
Weirdest tax write offs
http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/Taxes/P108364.asp?GT1=6240
More MSN Content - 8 email mistakes
http://www.microsoft.com/smallbusiness/issues/technology/communications/8_email_mistakes_that_make_you_look_bad.mspx
Try the URL shortening service from their many free services
http://usefulinc.com/
Luxuries you can live without -- and should http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/Savinganddebt/Savemoney/P107710.asp
10 little Luxuries worth every penny
http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/Savinganddebt/Finddealsonline/P95324.asp
10 more Splurges to spoil yourself with
http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/Savinganddebt/Finddealsonline/P103030.asp
Even more articles from MSN
http://moneycentral.msn.com/Editorial/Index/homedept.asp?c=6&a=6
Paper plate ed: great site for educators or anyone with kids
(or those of us who are kids at heart)
http://analyzer.depaul.edu/paperplate/
Wacko stuff on eBay
http://www.kingnutter.com/ebay_news.html
Online Feng Shui Magazine
http://www.wofs.com/index.php
I was looking for lyrics and found these sites
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/
http://www.oldielyrics.com/index.html
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/
http://www.sing365.com/
http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/
Pretty funny: take text or other web pages and instantly
create parodies of them
http://rinkworks.com/dialect/
Here's a campus Police Department with a sense of humor.
(Who knew?)
http://www.ou.edu/oupd/selfarr2.htm
The week in pics
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3842331/?GT1=6305
More photos . . I particularly like the work of Ralph Fountain
http://www.reviewjournal.com/webextras/gallery/
On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Flight Attendant Announcements
(some of these I have posted before)
"Attention, Passengers!"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make
the inflight safety lecture and the other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
* * * * * *
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
* * * * * *
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take
all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
* * * * * *
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
* * * * * *
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
* * * * * *
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
* * * * * *
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
* * * * * *
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works
just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how
to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
* * * * * *
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting theirs. If you are
traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
* * * * * *
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
* * * * * *
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
* * * * * *
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth
and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like
children."
* * * * * *
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your things.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
* * * * * *
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
* * * * * *
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the
asphalt!"
* * * * * *
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
* * * * * *
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
* * * * * *
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
* * * * * *
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
* * * * * *
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Everyone Should Know
*If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands-it's
the best way to make everybody laugh especially if your
in the middle of a class.
*Friends are the best things that will ever happen to you.
But that doesn't mean you have to keep the same ones.
People change, so do you...when that happens accept it
and move on . . . but don't forget to remember your old
friends; they have helped make your life what it is now.
*Pink hair doesn't look as cool as it does on TV.
*Siblings will always be there for you, they love even if
they don't act like it.
*Never break a fax machine-it will beep for three days
straight.
*Parents are the same, they'll yell and scream and shout
because they want to help. They also have feelings.
*Never try to stay up the whole night and tell your friend
that they can do anything to wake you up if you fall asleep;
especially if they have iced tea in their hand.
*If you smile someone will smile back.
*If you dip pieces of apple in apple juice it will taste really
weird.
*There are people that love you but just don't know how
to show it.
*Gerbils make holes in your favorite shirt.
*If you get hit with a ball and you start crying everyone
will walk over to see how you are. If you're having a bad
day but you're not crying only your best friends will.
*It's cool to wake up and find out that your yard was toliet
papered by your friends.
*The best feeling in the world is to ride with the window
down and to be singing along with a song on the radio.
*Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
*No one is listening until you make a mistake.
*Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark
side and it holds the universe together.
*Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
*Normal people are people you don't know.
*All popular people have the same handwriting.
*There is always one teacher that everyone hates that
never misses school.
*People may forget what you said but they'll never forget
how you made them feel.
*And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean every-
thing's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond
all of the imperfections.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An applicant for a job with the federal government was
filling out the application form. He came to this question:
"Do you favor the overthrow of the United States govern-
ment by force, subversion, or violence?"
Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he circled
"violence."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN
* You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with
a flyswatter.
* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
* You burn your yard rather than mow it.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and
they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
* You come back from the dump with more than you took.
* You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
* You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
* Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
* Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up
to help him take the wheels off.
* You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.
* You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it
said concentrate.
* You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beware of the following new computer viruses!
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out
of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your
data is in Singapore.
DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but
you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more
knobs than it used to.
DEFLATE.COM removes it.
FREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed
with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very
jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day,
finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems
resources piece by piece.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your
programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down
whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old
files and deletes them.
MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to
get rid of it.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts
them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to
be displayed on your desktop.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS - It sucks the juice out of
your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails
everyone about what it did. This later activates the
Independent Counsel virus.
PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.
STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where
no virus has gone before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Researchers at an Austrian university are facing ethics
charges for using human corpses as crash test dummies. See,
that's what happens if you don't have a good Social Security
system - you have to keep working even after you're dead."
~~ Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Davi for the blonde jokes
WHAT A BORING WORLD IT WOULD BE WITHOUT
BLONDES
1. WHY DOES IT TAKE LONGER TO BUILD A BLONDE
SNOWMAN AS OPPOSED TO A REGULAR ONE?
(YOU HAVE TO HOLLOW OUT THE HEAD.)
2. WHY WON'T THEY HIRE BLONDES AS PHARMACISTS?
(THEY KEEP BREAKING THE PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES
IN THE TYPEWRITERS.)
3. HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT GOT AN AM RADIO?
(IT TOOK HER A MONTH TO REALIZE SHE COULD PLAY
IT IN THE AFTERNOON.)
4. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLONDE ICE HOCKEY TEAM?
(THEY DROWNED DURING SPRING TRAINING.)
5. WHY DID THE BLONDE SCALE THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE?
(TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE)
6. HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE DRINKING MILK?
(THE COW STEPPED ON HER.)
7. HOW DID THE BLONDE BURN HER NOSE?
(BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES.)
8. WHY DO BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN?
(THEY'RE EASIER TO AMUSE.)
9. WHAT DO YOU CALL 20 BLONDES IN A FREEZER?
(FROSTED FLAKES.)
10. WHY CAN'T BLONDES PUT IN LIGHT BULBS?
(THEY KEEP BREAKING THEM WITH THEIR HAMMERS.)
11. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT SHOT
AN ARROW INTO THE AIR?
(SHE MISSED.)
12. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BLONDE BLOWS
INTO ANOTHER BLONDE'S EAR? (DATA TRANSFER.)
13. WHY DID THE BLONDE RESOLVE TO HAVE ONLY
THREE CHILDREN?
(BECAUSE SHE READ THAT ONE CHILD OUT OF EVERY
FOUR IS BORN CHINESE.)
14. WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT MAKE-UP ON HER
FOREHEAD?
(SHE WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT SHE WAS
ABLE TO MAKE UP HER MIND.)
15. WHY DID THE BLONDE ASK HER FRIENDS TO SAVE
THEIR BURNED-OUT LIGHT BULBS?
(SHE NEEDED THEM FOR THE DARK-ROOM SHE WAS
BUILDING.)
16. WHY ARE ASIANS SO SMART? (NO BLONDES.)
17. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST ADVANTAGE TO MARRYING
BLONDE?
(YOU GET TO PARK IN THE HANDICAPPED ZONE)
A BETTER BLONDE JOKE :
A GROUP OF BLONDES IN A CLASS AT TEXAS A&M
UNIVERSITY WERE GIVEN THE ASSIGNMENT TO
MEASURE THE HEIGHT OF A FLAGPOLE.
SO THEY WENT OUT TO THE FLAGPOLE WITH
LADDERS AND TAPE MEASURES, BUT THEY FELL OFF
THE LADDERS AND DROPPED THE TAPE MEASURES
AND PENCILS-THE WHOLE THING WAS JUST A MESS.
AN ENGINEERING STUDENT COMES ALONG AND
SEES WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO DO. HE WALKS OVER,
PULLS THE FLAGPOLE OUT OF THE GROUND, LAYS IT
FLAT, MEASURES IT FROM END TO END, AND THEN
GIVES THE MEASUREMENT TO ONE OF THE BLONDES
AND WALKS AWAY.
AFTER THE ENGINEER HAD GONE, ONE BLONDE
TURNED TO ANOTHER AND LAUGHED: "ISN'T THAT
JUST LIKE A DUMB ENGINEER? WE'RE LOOKING FOR
THE HEIGHT AND HE GIVES US THE LENGTH"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for this
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your lives seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked
the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles
rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then
asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it
was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it
into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students
responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into the
jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I
want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---God, your family,
your children, your health, your friends and your favorite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put
the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If
you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you
will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18. There will always be time to clean
the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf
balls first---the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired
what the coffee represented. The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for this note to the pets
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
note, placing a paw in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do
I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Trip-
ping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary
to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have
been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance
is not mandatory.
Note:
My pet is to me like he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to
buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant,
you can sell the children.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Amanda for the virus alert (its a joke)
There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you
receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via
e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any
circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life
completely. If you should happen to come in contact
with this virus, take two friends, and go straight to the
nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three
rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely
deleted from your system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five
friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends,
this means you are already infected by this virus and
WORK already controls your life. If this is the case, go
to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
Then retry. I think I have five friends, but am not
entirely positive, so I'm headed for the bar anyway . . .
it never hurts to be safe!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for this one:
LETTER FROM A TN./KY. FARM KID,
NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to
stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to
sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal,
eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes,
ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,
but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these
city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant
says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not
my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about
as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is
nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just
ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-
eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move,
and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You
don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with
that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this
except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only
beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm
only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds
dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Mike for these:
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church
service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is
going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore
three times”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement
community. They met in the social center and
discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's
company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight,
she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined
at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite
his age, Claude was still a charmer.
Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place
for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a
natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon
joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As
they were basking in the glow of the magic moments
they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own
thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd
have been more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it,
I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Cleese Letter to America
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the
light of your failure to elect a competent President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for any
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are intro-
duced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronun-
ciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Like-
wise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter
'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be
replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix
'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't
cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no
more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-
checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English
accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or
Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with
subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must
learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England.
The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. British sitcoms
such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-
cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God
Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half
way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who
are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
have noticed that no one else plays American football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with
the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'
for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball,
you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders,
which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You
will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we
don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will
be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
it is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean. All road intersections
will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on
the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even
French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things
you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should
be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to
be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will
be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made
within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st 2004
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known
as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-
Frozen Knat's Urine, with the exception of the product of
the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will
allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of
confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or
Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April
1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise
its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will,
in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get
used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough
to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will
be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues
due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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posted by Bluesbaby at 8:51 AM
