FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 25

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 25 July 31, 2006

Hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go (or is that I owe, I owe.)
Really beat tonight so this will be the short version with
another issue coming out in two weeks.

The 2006 ViewSonic Long Beach Dragon Boat Festival will
be held at Marine Stadium in Long Beach on July 29-30, 2006
http://www.lbdragonboat.com/

Attached to some of the jokes was an announcement for
the First Annual Paramount Blues Festival, on September
23, 2006 at Lime Kiln Park in Grafton, Wisconsin
"Bringin' back the blues"
http://www.graftonparamountbluesfestival.com/

Try this interactive site to keep your math skills up to par
over the summer. Take the quiz. If you answer the question
correctly, the result will be a basketball shot animation and
incorrect responses yield the correct answer. Verbal skills
and maps have been added as well.
http://www.scienceacademy.com/BI/

Wondering what's going on in the rest of the world? Today's
Front Pages offers "372 front pages from 39 countries
presented alphabetically." Each day when you read your
morning paper, you can also enjoy papers from across the
globe.
http://www.newseum.org/todaysfrontpages/

If you haven't listened to any podcasts yet this may
be a great place to start. At least the content should
be accessible and coherent which is a plus:
http://www.podcastawards.com/

Quick Guide to TV on the Net
http://pulverblog.pulver.com/archives/005088.html

You have access to free long distance online if you have
broadband
http://www.freeworlddialup.com/

Links to some great cooking and recipe sites
http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/002021learning_to_cook_round_up_5.php

Cool gadgets from Wired.com
http://blog.wired.com/gadgets/#1527225

How to improve your digital age technology
http://wired.com/wired/archive/14.08/howtointro.html

I don't usually suggest games or puzzles you have to pay
for but they do have a free trial download
http://games.arcamax.com/game.htm?code=110104840&Refid=3008

Printable coloring pages, games
http://www.womansday.com/default.asp?section_id=43

More online printables for organizing yourself
http://www.pocketmod.com/
http://www.dextronet.com/swift-to-do-list-lite.php
http://projectsimplify.com/freebies/
http://www.primasoft.com/deluxeprg/template.htm
http://organizers-collection.com/downloads/mcat/aorganizers.html
http://www.thehomeschoolmom.com/gettingorganized/planner.php
http://www.100inventory.com/
http://www.ababasoft.com/cdorganizer/
http://www.yourbestcatalog.com/
http://kristensguide.tripod.com/Organizing/Home_Organizer/
http://lifesaverlists.com/
http://www.ehow.com/how_134457_create-household-organizer.html
http://easyspreadsheets.stores.yahoo.net/
http://organizedhome.com/content-36.html
http://www.freestickynotes.com/
http://www.nch.com.au/notes/index.html
http://www.chaosmanager.net/
http://www.jockersoft.com/english/jenius_index.php
http://www.mechcad.net/products/acemoney/index_lite.shtml
http://simadcom.atw.hu/
http://www.adrianboeing.com/mp3organizerhelp.html
http://www.recipecentersoftware.com/

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism
it's your count that votes. ~~ Mogens Jallberg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go
to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's
pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy,
who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down
with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself
once, and move on." ~~ Homer Simpson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch
with it. " ~~ Lily Tomlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A federal judge has ordered O.J. Simpson to pay $25,000 in
damages for pirating satellite television signals from Direct
TV. O.J. insists he�s innocent and said he will continue to
look for the real pirates." ~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T...

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
(marijuana) paper

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of
the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy
Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red
eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong
parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and
sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system;
a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into
the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark
to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww)

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because
he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper'and
'lower' because in the time when all original print had to
be set in individual letters, the upper case'letters were
stored in the case on top of the case that stored the
smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at the same time hence multi-tasking
was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during
World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter
Pan there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him
10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it
instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest
amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back,
you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list
was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a
record player for automobiles. At that time, the most
known player on the market was the Victrola, so they
called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories
to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin
with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from
crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being
the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they
go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages
it. I NEED TO REMEMBER thiS!

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J.
Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama
Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America
willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they
haul her fanny off to jail."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists
can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales
People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical
equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting
anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine
three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join
the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join
the Mafia."

The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?"

"No." Artie answers.

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia,
or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

"I'm not gonna pay you." the guy says.

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody,
tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay
you a dollar."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Artie replies and heads off on
his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old
lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life,
goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her
to death. The bag boy sees it, and chases after him. Artie
realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around,
grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE
CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's So Hot In Here...

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of
the ground.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to
drive your motorcycle.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face
shield.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.

No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a
vinyl motorcycle seat!

Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook
to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather
than the need for gas.

Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend
time mowing but it is still too hot to ride.

You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow
it.

The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL
receive a black eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reasons You Won't Be Participating in the Summer Olympics

Your mastery of the parallel bars doesn't include the
ability to escape from behind them.

The IOC still hasn't forgiven you for what you did in the
pool at the last Olympics.

Launching Chee-tos from your nostrils for distance, while
impressive, is not considered an Olympic event.

Although you've mastered the forward flip from the garage
roof onto a burning table of fluorescent bulbs, you're pretty
sure the 10-meter platform officials will insist on water
landings.

The kind of fencing you specialize in gets you a one-way
ticket to Attica, not Athens.

Other training programs: 10 percent inspiration, 90
percent perspiration.

*Your* training program: 10 percent perspiration, 90 percent
prescription.

Your seeing-eye dog keeps fetching the javelin and
bringing it back to you.

You can't even climb out of the pool without Greenpeace
guys showing up to push you back in.

Sure, you excel at the shot put, but only the shot-put-in-
front-of-you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the first camping experience for Ron. As soon as
he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods.

In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp,
bleeding and disheveled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Ron.
The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't
deadly."
"Listen," groaned Ron, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-
foot cliff, he is!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on
a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day.
I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe
in half for our individual plates.

We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful. We never
even felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight and not losing
it, I checked the recipes again.
There in fine print, it said, "Serves 6."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 24

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 24 July 24, 2006

Redneck wiener roast pic
http://pixclix.com/Kasi/weiner1.jpg

"Call it Chagall in the stall, Picasso in the powder room.
Anyone who uses the public restrooms inside a replica of
the 1880 train station in this southwest Ohio village will
be treated to a display of original paintings on the walls..."
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/07/22/D8J1CRQ00.html

Did you know that Amazon has free MP3 downloads?
Here is one from Charlie Musselwhite but if you enter
blues into the search box there are 248 more options
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0000638YK/102-6420693-9416902?n=468772&s=digital-music&v=glance

Sorry to hear that Sweet Sammy Myers has passed away
http://www.sweetsammyers.com/

Last week we also lost Jessie Mae Hemphill another of the
early blues musicians with a distinctive style
http://www.jessiemaehemphill.com/

Anyone tried these flavor sprays that mimic the taste of
high-cal foods but have no fat, calories or carbs?
http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1129517-4,00.html

Did you know that if you boil the potatoes ahead of time
and refrigerate overnight before making potato salad it
can help neutralize the starch's blood-sugar effects
They also suggest changing the dressing from mayo to
vinegar and olive oil to make it even healthier but
let's not get crazy here.

If you like lists to keep you organized here are some printable ones
http://organizedhome.com/printable/index.php

Geography Mind Twisters
http://www.richmond.edu/~jwight/geog.htm

Jigsaw puzzles online
http://www.jigzone.com/

Try this new game of Maze Frenzy
http://www.mazefrenzy.com/

Or this one, Block Frenzy
http://www.blockfrenzy.com/

Or this one, Fridge Words
http://www.fridgewords.com/

Hard to find food items
http://www.mybrandsinc.com/ShopOnline/catalog.asp

If you have seen the My Coke Rewards commercial you
should check this out, it tells more of the story:
http://livinlavidalocarb.blogspot.com/2006/06/mycokerewards-contest-impossible-to.html

It's part of a low carb blog
http://livinlavidalocarb.blogspot.com/

This was interesting to test male vs female traits in the
brain. The information you enter in the test is anonymous
and cannot be linked to you.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/print/science/humanbody/sex/add_user.shtml

Learn American Sign Language. This is the Michigan State
University's ASL Browser web site, an online American Sign
Language (ASL) browser where you can look up video of
thousands of ASL signs & learn interesting things about them.
http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm

It's hysterical but not for the easily offended and DON'T
open this at work - Mad Cow thanks to Anita
http://shadow-corp.net/images/PissedoffCow.swf

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Life is too short to drink the house wine" ~~ Helen Thomas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Two rules get you through life: If it's stuck and it's not
supposed to be, WD-40 it. If it's not stuck and it's supposed
to be, duct tape it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day,
so I never have to live without you.~~By Winnie The Pooh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I
can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~~ George Burns

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page
records people's accomplishments; the front page
nothing but man's failure. ~~ Chief Justice Earl Warren

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It can be counter-productive to beat a willing horse
and it just may come around to bite you in the end.
~~ Sheila

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue?..

and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by
children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad
spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the
ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history
they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray
by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the
ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit
adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heavenly Voice Mail Most of us have now learned to live
with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you
ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping
other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important
to us and we will answer it in the order it was received.

Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press

5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial
area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by
the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and
other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for
the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for
today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a
religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance,
please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like most puppies, mine is not finicky about what he puts
in his mouth. He eats anything. But the day he swallowed
a quarter, I panicked and called the vet.

"What should I do"? I pleaded over the phone.

My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, "Swallowing
a quarter is nothing to worry about. But if he does it
again and a can of pop shoots out the other end, give
me a call."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a police-
>man. Several months later, a friend asked him how he
liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay stinks and the hours are lousy,
but what I do like is that the customer is always wrong."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home had
a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care
of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked
again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly
explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever had
has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're
all wondering where I went."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Kim for this one

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty
years ago? We went behind this very tavern ,where you
leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there
again and we can do it for old times sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very
good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to
all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've
got to see These two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he
follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support,

aided By Walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts
her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans
against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the watching Policeman
has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned some-
thing about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour
of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to
their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.
I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes,
he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for these:

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer
negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities
that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the
higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item,
pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife
and asks her to go upstairs, put it on,and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer
that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but
I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep
the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the
balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500,
they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one

1. HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping
with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept
quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said
nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply
smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.

I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we
got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to
bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my
surprise he responded to my caress and we made love,
but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't
know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are
with someone else. My life is a disaster.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2. HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but
at least I got laid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Kim for this one

A married couple are driving along a highway doing
a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the
wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and
speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married
for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road
ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try
and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and she's a
far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering
wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to
55 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says
insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he
continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the
bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive
concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks
her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled
voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Anita for this one

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is
hilarious.

From a show on Canadian TV. there was a black comedian
who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest
thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now look at him... his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be
stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton
Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie
in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in
Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one.

" The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to
tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe
it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
---ya gotta love it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these blonde jokes

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a
bench talking...... and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away...Florida or
the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She
tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it
for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my
license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed
even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise
she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car
on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking
one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you
idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed
on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or
off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE
JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names
were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're
watch dogs!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates

FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 23

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 23 July 10, 2006

OK, ok I never did get this out in June but here it is.

Still recovering from my weekend adventure to Tomah.
I did a large jewelry show there, met some great people
and learned a lot. The next attempt will be closer to home.

I was having trouble with my internet connection so that
interfered with my ability to be online but they came
out here on Sunday so I hope that fixes it all. Of course
I couldn't put all the jewelry back till they were done so
the living room looked like some jewelry store exploded
in it for a while. Just about the time I got it put away I
sold a piece on eBay so now I have to look for and store
all those pieces in a more accessible spot.

Thanks to Mike for this great site with a simplistic but
brilliant way of looking at the budget
http://www.truemajority.org/oreos/

Very cool birthday facts for you all
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

Free comprehensive Astrology site
http://www.astrology-online.com/

He has more cool stuff too
http://www.paulsadowski.com/

Whether you need a flag or an airport code this site delivers
http://www.brainyatlas.com/

Wow what a great scam site
http://www.scam.com/

This is a super freebie site with plenty to offer
http://www.clevermoms.com/

While being careful what you sign up for and how much
info you give away there is lots of cool free stuff here:
http://www.justfreestuff.com/

An amazing artist I found ONAWHIM
http://www.violettesfolkart.com/

Original art coloring pages to print
http://www.onawhim.us/kidszone_nonflash.html

Fray was born in the early days of the web. Each story has
been hand crafted. This site is on hiatus but the archive
is rich with personal stories. Quite interesting reading!
http://fray.com/index-old.shtml

Food, travel and shopping (sounds like my kind of site)
http://www.sallys-place.com/

Found great blog sites on specific topics
http://www.singleservecoffee.com/
http://kitchencontraptions.com/
http://criticalgamers.com/
http://justthechips.com/
http://fastfoodfever.com/

Holy cow a power lunch with Warren Buffet on eBay! How
high did it go?
http://cgi.ebay.com/Warren-Buffett-Power-Lunch-to-Benefit-Glide-Foundation_W0QQitemZ6639163837QQihZ012QQcategoryZ16071QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

In looking at that I discovered a whole realm of eBay I
never knew was there. Check out tickets here:
http://tickets.ebay.com/

Are you a Superman fan? Look at the website before the
new movie comes out for great downloads (stationary,
stickers, iron on transfers, & wallpaper)
http://supermanreturns.warnerbros.com/

Want to check out the new TV shows? Try these:
http://www.thefutoncritic.com/
http://www.tv.com/
http://www.imdb.com/
http://www.tvguide.com/
http://www.tvgasm.com/
http://www.allyourtv.com/
http://www.zap2it.com/

Thanks to Andrea for these great angel postcards (free)
http://www.sharisangels.com/sendcard/index.php

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of,
he always declares that it is his duty."
~~ George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"People want economy and they will pay any price to get it."
~~ Lee Iacocca

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly,
and lie about your age.
~~ Lucille Ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that
one can be designated driver."~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes
you happy.
~~ Lucille Ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The irony of life is that by the time you're old enough to
know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the
rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of
His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When
the angel returned he went to God and said,"Yes, it's
true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but
5% are being good."

God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% that
were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give
them a little something to help them keep going. Do
you know what the e-mail said?........Okay, I was just
wondering..... I didn't get one either...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Choir Positions Open

Found in an actual church bulletin

Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others
need apply.

PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry
light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must
have sufficient vision to see the director.

EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from
persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the

bathtub or shower at some time.

BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the
service of God.

FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the

security of social fellowship with other choir members.

HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday
mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes
getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the
sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play
the notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some doubt He wrote it by Himself.
6. He may have created the world, but what has he done
since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use
human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up
by drowning the subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read
the Book."
11. Some say He had His son teach class.
12. He expelled His first two students.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on
a mountain top.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all students
failed save His Son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's
one day, we passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a

prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to
my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat, I heard his earnest request, "Please, God,
don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and
almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey
my friend, how come you look like the whole world has
caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago,
an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars."

"That's not bad at all...!"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a
cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-
thousand, tax-free to boot."

"Well, that's great! I'd like that."

"Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost
a million."

"So why are so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Latest Gig request...

Dear *** and band,

My wife and I look forward to you providing music at our
daughter's wedding. We have a list of songs we would like
you to play. Don't worry if you don't know all of them.
Any Chick Corea composition would be great, but we would
especially like you to play "The Three Quartets, No.1" as
the guests walk in. For the bride's mother, please go
right into the piano intro to "Quartet No. 2."

Keep playing it till she gets up to the altar. Also, have
it arranged for the full ensemble. Don't play any of the
"Electric Band" songs. Make sure the drummer uses "Evans"
drum heads so his drums sound like Steve Gadd, our favorite
drummer. Now, when I walk in, please play "Birdland" (but
the version from "Live"). My wife and I were at that show,
and we particularly like it. If you find it too difficult,
you can play "Sister Cheryl" from "Tony Williams Live in
Tokyo."

Now, for the song in the middle of the Mass during the
communion, we want the singer to sing Alan Holdsworth's
"Against the Clock" from his "Wardenclyffe Tower" CD.
We love this song and especially the drum solo by Vinnie
Colaiuta. We think that it's his greatest solo, although
some will argue against this. Keep repeating the drum solo
till the priest tells you to stop. Any of John Coltrane's
duets w/Pharaoh Sanders would be grand. I understand
that their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea,
but all of our guests LOVE high register tenor saxes.

We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast
would be nice. We particularly like the "Infernal Dance",
or whatever it's called, from the Rite of Spring (second
version c. 1932). If you want to use the sheet music,
that's OK. We like a tempo of about 93 (Ozawa). Faster
would be cool, too, but don't play it too slow. That
would ruin it.

Next, for the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please
play Frank Zappa's "The Black Page." If you want to
play it in the original key of Bb minor, that would be
fine, but my cousin Janeen would like to sing it, so
you may have to play that part in another key (she
majored in voice at UCLA).

During the cocktail hour, we want some nice Keith
Jarrett tunes from his "Standard Vol. 1 and 2" And,
feel free to take things out as far as you like. When
my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a
little of Varese's "Ionization"? It's such a cool piece.
We think it would go over really well: it's much better
than "The Stripper."

Now, for the bride and groom's first dance, please slow
things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio for Strings."
It's so much better than "We've Only just Begun" or "The
Anniversary Waltz." When my wife and I join in the first
dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby,
My Dear"? That's in honor of my wife's grandmother,
Whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the

family. Then, we would like to hear some nice Mexican

music while we eat dinner. We love the sound of Los

Ponchos, so any of their hits would be great.

Thanks very much for all your help. We'll certainly be
happy to recommend your band to all of our friends. We
thought that $50.00 per man for 4 hours would be
sufficient. So that's $350.00 for the entire group. If
you get our guests dancing, I will throw in an extra
$50.00. So, get 'em dancing. We want you to be set up
TWO HOURS before your start time @ 5:00 pm., and
do not be late.

We don't want to see any cases, bags, coats, boxes,
cables, wires, or any unnecessary clutter on the stage
or within view of the guests. Play 1 hour and then take
a break of no more than 10 minutes, but don't forget, to
leave the guitar player or the piano player playing while
the rest of the Band breaks. Absolutely no drinking! In
fact, we don't even want to see the musicians near the
bar or food tables.

Also, NO TALKING ON STAGE!! Go outside quietly
where no one can see you. Of course, no smoking anywhere.
Someone will be watching you on your breaks to make
sure you don't consume any alcohol. Before you leave,
please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich (or, a
"bandwich" as you people call them). And, perhaps a soda
to take with you. Oh, and one more thing . . . . and this
is very important. In between songs, we don't want to hear
any musicians practicing "licks," or running up and down
high speed scales. Nothing sounds worse than hearing
musicians all "fooling around" at the same time. I believe
you people like to call it "noodling." or something like that.
But, it is a terrible habit. It's very unprofessional. You
don't hear the members of the Berlin Philharmonic
"noodling around" between movements. . . .right?

We look forward to hearing you play.

Sincerely,

Lily and Franco Devencztovich
The Bride's Parents

Sent: Wednesday, May 17, 2006 3:36 PM
Subject: Re: DEAR MR. BANDLEADER

Dear Lily and Frank, Bride's Parents:

Thank you for your bestowing on us the honor of playing
at your daughter's wedding. We think the tunes you have
asked for will present no problem whatsoever. We actually
only know three numbers all the way through, "Marzey
Doats", "Gimme a Pigfoot and a Bucket of Beer", and "Achy
Breaky Heart" but I'm sure we'll be able to vary them a bit
so they'll fit all your requests. A plus is that, as at least
your guests will be allowed to drink, they'll be so smashed
they won't know the difference. We'll play 'em good and
loud, too. Don't worry about us drinking - we never touch
the stuff. Of course we're glad you mentioned nothing about
dope as we are all addicts and frequently shoot up on the
stand. You will also enjoy our unique dress code for
weddings, inspired by the 'Stones. We would like to reserve
the right to install the bride's garter, as when we get good
and high you never know what will happen. Nothing wrong
with a little "Rite of First Night", as they say. If your
daughter is a little shy, her mother will do just fine.

About the money, or bread, as we musicians like to say,
the $350 is OK but there are a couple of extras involved,
like social security, retirement, severance pay, medical
insurance, instrument insurance, contract administrative
costs and union dues. This will bring the total to
$2,786.76. I know these little extras are a nuisance, but
with all the bread (there it is again !) you'll be saving
by not feeding us (we musicians only get to eat at gigs,
especially the homeless ones without girl friends (or,
Chicks, as we like to call them) it shouldn't hurt your
wallet much. So we're really looking forward to
entertaining you.

OH! One more thing: should we check our guns and razors
at the door, or is it OK to bring 'em in?
Sincerely,

***, The Bandleader

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she
took it to the veterinarian. The vet discovered that the
problem was hair in the dogs ears, so he cleaned both ears
and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted
to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and
get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears
once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair

remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're
going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for
a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't
shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you
must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

White House Breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast
at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney
what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of
oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight
grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only
been in your second term of office for a year!

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush
and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The
nurse starts with certain basic items."How much do
you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her
weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures
5' 5". She then takes her blood pressure and tells
the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams,"When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Kim for this one:

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in
a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I
w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your
speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids,
iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said
the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them."
said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.
"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen
more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers
y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more
Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week.
Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come
to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell,
a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do
youw-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor
d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to
you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this, not a joke but worth reading

I am such a firm believer in this one - Life is too short and
our journey is not long enough - Enjoy and God Bless -

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy
just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on
their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid
to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the
Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night
in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a
little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their
husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after
something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration"
mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in
silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How
about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and
stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is
dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast,
It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday."
She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend
to schedule our headaches... We live on a sparse diet of
promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are
perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get
Steve toilet-trained We'll entertain when we replace the
living-room carpet.

We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more
kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days
get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets
longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our
lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday,
when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is
open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an
open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious.

You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade
your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator
for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice
cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my
stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.
The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker.
If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have
died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT
to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were
going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call and what would you say? And why are
you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand
why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round
or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun
into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next
hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your
haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to
say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an
unopened gift....Thrown away....

Life is not a race! Take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.

It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much
you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.
If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle
of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and
appreciate all you do.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are
here we might as well dance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one too:

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books
on the subject and finally getting all the necessary
tools together, she headed for the ice. After positioning
her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured
a cup out of her thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut
yet another hole.

Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more
and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,"IS THAT YOU
LORD?"

The voice replied , "NO..................................
THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates