Fun on the Web vol 6 Issue 17

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 17 August 6, 2007

25 THINGS TO ENJOY IN BOSTON FOR UNDER $25
http://www.explorenewengland.com/travel?photo_gallery=/massachusetts/towns/boston/galleries/25_under_25_summer

$1.63 TAX BILL
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1002146/couple_may_lose_home_over_163_tax_bill/index.html?source=r_oddities

SAD DAY FOR SHOW CAR OWNERS
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1003479/unknown_spray_damages_over_300_show_cars/index.html?source=r_oddities

http://www.local6.com/news/index.html
THEN CLICK Strangest Images, Stories Of 2007
(on bottom third of the page)

Create your own smiley
http://www.thelolfamily.com/

100 Best Movies Ever Slideshow
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_172095014

More Movie Greats
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_179135553
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_184120011

Slideshow of NY City Landmarks - Take a Trip in your Chair
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_209100840

Wacky and Outrageous Celebrity Comments
http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/local_slideshow_073173134

THERE ARE PUZZLES AND THEN THERE ARE PUZZLES
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/main.jhtml;jsessionid=G4HTVYFDKKTSNQFIQMGSFFWAVCBQWIV0?xml=/travel/2007/07/14/et-france-treasure-114.xml&DCMP=ILC-traffdrv07053100

SO CUTE
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=469379&in_page_id=1811
http://www.channel3000.com/slideshow/boredroom/10672929/detail.html
http://www.channel3000.com/slideshow/wisctv/10671816/detail.html

AND NOT SO CUTE
http://www.channel3000.com/slideshow/style/13664124/detail.html
http://www.channel3000.com/slideshow/style/13368624/detail.html

Interesting Recipes
http://www.garfield.com/about/kitchen.html

Fun Stuff to Make
http://craftzine.com/projects/

hmmm buy and sell homemade items http://www.etsy.com/index.php

Baby Animal Games for the Kid in All of Us
http://www.babyanimalz.com/Games.php
http://www.squiglysplayhouse.com/Games/Quizzes/Animals/BabyAnimals.html
http://biology.usgs.gov/features/kidscorner/quizzes/bbynme.html
http://www.cleverisland.com/free_games/baby_animals/index.asp

Baby Animal Book
http://cgcreations.org/babyanimals/index.html

On to the chuckles:

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Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
T. S. Eliot

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An expert is a person who avoids small error as he
sweeps on to the
grand fallacy. ~~ Benjamin Stolberg

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Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
~~ Rudyard Kipling

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Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding
address. ~~ Lane Olinghouse

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A great many people think they are thinking when they
are really rearranging their prejudices. ~~ William James

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Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. ~~ John
Lehman Secretary of the Navy

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It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-
day basis. ~~ Margaret Bonnano

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A lie told often enough becomes the truth. ~~ Lenin

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The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole
cause of all our adversities. ~~ Sophocles

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Things you Should Know but Probably Don't

1. The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.

2. The longest one-syllable word in the English language
is screeched.

3. Skepticism is the longest word that alternates hands
when you are typing.

4. Tom Cruise, Cher, Henry Winkler, Sarah Miles, Jackie
Stewart. Walt Disney, Whoopi Goldberg, Thomas Edison,
Leonardo da Vinci, Richard Branson, Guy Ritchie, Tommy
Hilfiger, Liv Tyler, Robbie Williams and Ozzy Osbourne
have all suffered with dyslexia.

5. Rice paper contains not a grain of rice.

6. Great Danes come from Germany, not Denmark.

7. A quarter of the 206 bones in the human body are in
the foot.

8. The average person sleeps about 220,000 hours (or
just over 25 years) in a lifetime.

9. When we blush, our stomach lining also turns red.

10. Your tongue print is as unique as your fingerprints.

11. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

12. There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee;
of those, only 26 have been tested, and half of them caused
cancer in rats.

13. Cut an onion in half, rub it on the sole of your foot, and
a half an hour later you'll taste onion in your mouth.

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Classic Steven Wright Wisdoms to Ponder:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect
it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.

10- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before
we met.

11- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

14- When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

15- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the sense
to be lazy.

16- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

17- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get s--ked into
jet engines.

18- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

19- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder."

20- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.

22- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.

23- The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.

24- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film.

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How To Drive In Jersey-------------------------

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is
New-erk not New-ark.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon.

The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is
85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less
is considered "Wussy."

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey
has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/
trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop;
the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However,
in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking
moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another
offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in
all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for
your entertainment pleasure during the middle of
the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks,
skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-
neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other
road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads
are where they say they are or go where they say
they do and all the Turnpike ez pass lanes are moved
each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave
them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it
has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a
55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard
and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the
flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave
Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by
noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on
Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

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Interesting Observations

If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose around your neck?

A friend of mine confused her valium with her
birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she
doesn't really care.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only
need a parachute to skydive twice.

The only trouble with baptists is that they don't
hold them under long enough.

There are people who are trying to put a stop to
sex on tv. The truth of the matter is, the only time
that sex on the tv hurts, is when you fall off!

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there
is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be
found and stopped.

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment
world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey"
died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble
putting the body in the casket. They'd put his left
leg in . . . well, you know the rest.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly,
much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

Boycott shampoo ~ demand real poo instead!

Most people go through life believing, and claiming
(often quite loudly) that they are indeed, playing
with a full deck. Take note of those making this
claim, and I'm sure that you will see, most of
them are wrong - the majority are, at the very
least, still a "jerk off "!

I May Be Schizophrenic, But At Least I Have Each
Other, And When I Am Alone I Am Together

Mirrors Don't Talk But Lucky For You They Don't
Laugh Either.

On The Road Of Life, Don't Forget To Stop And
Eat The Roses

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean
that morality comes from morons?

I found god . . . he was behind the sofa the whole
time.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted,
clicked his spurs and rode off.

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for
valuable prizes.

You found God? If no one claims him in 30 days,
he's yours.

Total rejection is when even your hand falls asleep!

I have a perfect body ~ unfortunately, it's in the
trunk of my car and it's starting to stink.

I have a detached retina, well, actually it's not really
detached, it's more emotionally unavailable.

I solved my drinking problem. I joined A.A., I still
drink but I use a different name now to do so.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all
of it's students.

Life...it's sexually transmitted and always fatal, so
don't take it so seriously, it's only temporary. No
one gets out alive!

Jesus saves ....and redeems for valuable prizes.

I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

If going to church makes you a christian ~ does
going into the garage make you a car?

A lot of people think that jugglers are very talented.
Me, I always wonder if they aren't just schizophrenics
playing catch.

Before you criticize someone...walk a mile in their
shoes-that way if they get pissed you'll be a mile
away and they'll be barefoot.

Why don't you slip into something a little more
comfortable? (Like a coma.)

Beauty is only skin deep; it's really gross under that.

Did you hear about the new teenage Barbie? You
wind it up and it resents you.

If people from Holland are called "Poles", why don't
we call people from Holland "Holes"?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Truth hurts-but not as much as jumping onto a bike
with a missing seat

Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second
knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.

Jesus saves . . . passes to Moses . . . he shoots . . .
and he scores!

Why do we call someone who plays the piano a
pianist, but someone who drives a race-car is not
called a racist?

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Always remember, Above all else: Sky.

Does your little brain ever get lonely in your big head?

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with
my inner sociopath.

Friends pick you up when you fall, real friends laugh'
cuz they're the ones who tripped you to begin with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Where to Live After Retirement

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because
you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt
from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and
never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that " dry heat" is comparable to what
hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't
afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going
down your driveway.
3 . You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your
neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is,
you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and
Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know
you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how
to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but
can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in
their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup,
and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than
eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost
winter, and construction

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob,
Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your
$500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his
way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have
a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor
knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to
pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C"
on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's
my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place,
you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind --
even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent
dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the
state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless
people.

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Thanks to my sister for these:

for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware
of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on
the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for
these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,
Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and
become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta
Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner
Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and
become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization
of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally ...9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson
will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

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And with a subject line of "Something to Offend Everyone"

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry
virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck
schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed
class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do! you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..

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Thanks to Sheila for this one:

Jay says: The government is getting to be like a bad
production of The Wizard of Oz...
Cheney needs a heart, Gonzales needs come courage,
and Bush needs a brain!

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
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http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates