FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 10

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 10 March 19, 2007

Very expensive but oh so pretty faux roses
http://www.mommymakesroses.com/

Cute and amusing
http://www.dancingpaul.com/

Have you ever sung along to a song only to realize that

you've had the lyrics completely wrong? This site is
full of such incidents.
http://www.kissthisguy.com/

Butts Across America This is a family site; safe fun for all -
which features no nudity, just buttcracks in amazing places.
http://buttsacrossamerica.com/

Workingfortheman.com "humorously explores the horrors and
absurdities of the workplace, and provides a much-needed
antidote to the doldrums of dealing with a bad boss and a
dead-end job."
http://www.workingfortheman.com/

Take a stroll down memory lane with the 100 most well-
remembered - for better or for worse - toys of our youth.
Each listing is accompanied by a hilarious written
description of the toy, so be sure to take the time to
enjoy the memories!
http://tv.cream.org/extras/toys/index.html

On to the chuckles:

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"Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and
making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a
press conference." ~~ Bill Maher

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"While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian
press and he said the most difficult decision a president could
ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough
about Walter Reed." ~~ Bill Maher

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"The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let
former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but
guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal
detector. The head of security said, 'We had to search Al
Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.'"
~~ Conan O'Brien

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"Another horrible day for the stock market. It went down
another 100 points. In fact, the only company to make
money was the Tennessee power company that sells
electricity to Al Gore." ~~ Jay Leno

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"Timing is everything." ~~ Annie Darling in Murder at the Party

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"The deer should not play with the tiger." ~ Charlie Chan in
Charlie Chan Carries On

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"The man who is about to cross a stream should not revile
the crocodile's mother." ~ Charlie Chan in The Black Camel

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The Bachelor Diet

Monday
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send
your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little
hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty
five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a
soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family
size bottle of Maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox.
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-
piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw.
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five
cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever
comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday
Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night
at El Flasho's.
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke.
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday
Breakfast - Order out for pizza.
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives.

Friday
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder.
Dinner - Steak, medium-rare, baked potato and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto.
Dinner - Steak, well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.

Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz?
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting
your old room.

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Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was
called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the
same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know
exactly what they sounded like because there are no known
descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica,
Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if
they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between
the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- A harp is a nude piano.

- Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part
you'd better not try to sing.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a
woman composer famous for her church music.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a large number of children.
In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept
up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer
of piano concerti.

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Top 10 Caddy Replies

10.) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long"?

9.) Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on
this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the
Earth.

8.) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving"?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7.) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron"?
Caddy: "Eventually."

6.) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

5.) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."

4.) Golfer: "How do you like my game"?
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3.) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday"?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2.) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1.) Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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Thanks to Mike for this one:

Good God-Julie Andrews is 69. Our Age +/— She is dealing
with it well!

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/
vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's
Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My
Favorite Things" from the legendary movie, "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so sad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes & repeated encores!)

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Thanks to my sister for these:

Irish humour

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking
place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every
Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish
Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.

-----------------------------------------------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to
the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then
Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"

'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell
me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
getting a group together to go on a trip right now."

-----------------------------------------------------

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and
watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay
pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on
the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let
the Catholics across?"

---------------------------------------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly
phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

-----------------------------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped
for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on
the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"

---------------------------------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "
Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little
woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her
hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

-------------------------------------------------

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring
day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his
bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local
police station. The exchange went like this ...

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Muldoon. How might I
help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead
in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a
couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Muldoon, considering himself to be quite a
wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always
my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, tis certainly true,
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

--------------------------------------------------------

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his
voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you
Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later
the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps
the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?",
asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up
10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears
into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the
Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If
ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30
minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub
down the street to see if I could do it first".

This one is for everyone who...
a) Has kids
b) Had kids
c) Was a kid
d) Knows a kid
e) Is going to have kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year
old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on
the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this,"
and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna
eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. I went back
to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing
on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look
on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

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Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false? Don't cheat!

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately
2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather;
it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop,
even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog
bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5
years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498 .

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other
time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves
without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An
Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina
State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place
of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the
same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used
a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords
cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant
surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were
7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

See answers below...............................

They are all true. Now go back and think about #16.

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Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates