FUN on the WEB vol 6 issue 6

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 6 Issue 6 February 12, 2007

Happy Valentines to you all!

First of all Valentines virus warnings again
http://www.breitbart.com/news/2007/02/09/070209230449.y0oo34uo.html

For Valentines Day
http://www.valentopia.com/valentines-day-humor/
http://www.fal.net/101/hearts.html http://www.huddlenet.com/holidays/valentine/humor.shtml

Law and Order Valentines
http://www.brandonbird.com/svutines.html

For Valentines Day try fondue or this special cake for dessert
http://partyfood.suite101.com/article.cfm/chocolate_fondue
http://party-food-recipes.suite101.com/article.cfm/easy_valentines_day_cake_recipe

Or try these cookies from BHG
http://recipes.bhg.com/recipes/recipedetail.jsp?recipeId=113&searchResults=true&showSearchNav=true&recipeNumber=4&resultCategory=kitchen&searchType=null&adCategory=&_requestid=91098

This was originally created as a joke, but for some reason,
people are actually using this thing to send serious erotic
love messages to each other. Hey its a free country, so feel
free to use it however you like!
http://www.crazyhoroscopes.com/love-poem-generator.php

The History of Chocolate
http://www.fieldmuseum.org/chocolate/history.html

Become an M & M
http://www.becomeanmm.com/

Convert data into art and print it.
http://rhizome.org/artbase/24114/myData/

Check out the whole online archive of new media art
containing some 1600 art works
http://rhizome.org/artbase/

The world's first hypertext encyclopedia of toons
http://www.toonopedia.com/

This is a cute game to test your driving skills. Reminds me
of those teenage drivers...(some have trouble with the pop
up showing the directions - so use arrow keys to turn and go
- use the space bar to brake)
http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf

Another fun game site
http://spikedhumor.com/articles/15221/Sloyd.html

More silliness - translate your message into 12 yr old IM
type text message
http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There are a lot of guys buying diamonds for Valentine's
Day. Well, sure...you can't afford roses anymore! A hundred
bucks for a dozen roses ... that does seem expensive until
you calculate what NOT buying them will cost you."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker,
but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
even remember how he got home from the party. As bad
as he was feeling, he wondered if he did anything wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of
water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red
rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes, then he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark
from his wife in lipstick!"Honey, breakfast is on the stove.
I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite
dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Jillian."

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son...
what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home around 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it,
and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
perfect order and so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is
on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed,"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $89.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing, at exactly the right time ... PRICELESS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you're from Wisconsin....

1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by
drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there
all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might
live in Wisconsin.

2. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November
through March, you might live in Wisconsin.

3. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five
months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.

4. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and
they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin.

5. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving
around the middle of his forehead, you might live in
Wisconsin.

6. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same
time, you might live in Wisconsin.

7. If your town has an equal number of bars and
churches, you might live in Wisconsin.

8. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation
with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might
live in Wisconsin.

Part 2 - You know you're a true Wisconsinite when . . .

1. You measure distance in hours.

2. You know several people who have hit a deer more
than once.3. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in
the same day.

4. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during
a raging blizzard, without flinching.(I still can't do this)

5. You see people wearing camouflage at social events
(including weddings).
(Son's father-in-law wore camo hat to their wedding)

6. You install security lights on your house and
garage and leave both unlocked, and use your security
camera for watching deer.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car and your
girlfriend knows how to use them.

8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over
a snowsuit.

9. Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow.

10. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter,
still winter and road construction.

11. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a
deer next to your blue spruce.

13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking
age.

14. A brat is something you eat.

15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new
pole barn.

16. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

17. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due
to frost

18. You have more miles on your snow blower than
your car.

19. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

20. You drink pop and bake with soda.

21. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Wisconsin sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Wisconsin gets thicker.

20 Above Zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami are frozen solid.
Wisconsinites close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
People in Texas declare a national weather emergency.
The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Wisconsin start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank
God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced
in church services. Have a hearty laugh:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about
you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to
our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing
in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket
and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -
Up Yours."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works,
and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show you
too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you've started and never finished.

So I looked around my house to find all the things I
started and hadn't finished, and before I left the
house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos
and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking
good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need
of inner peace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its
comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great
questions and answers are from the days when
"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how
high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should
do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come
out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and
a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the
next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never
forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are
you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in
the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in
the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of
the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body,
what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish
on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes
in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.

What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you
should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I Am a Man

* Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
set in.

* Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running well, I will
pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to
the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start."

* Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't
an issue.

* Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items Like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For
all I know these are the same thing. And never under any
circumstances expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

* Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops work-
ing I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
it back together.

* Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

* Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and
no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why
would you listen to a complete stranger I mean, how could
he know where we're going?

* Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see
it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!

* Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without
it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we
just get out of here now? [From AndyChaps]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Valentine's Day

"Damn. I thought you were a quail"

"Sorry, Mr. Letterman, we're out of Viagra"

"Table for one?"

"You're not a cop, are you?"

"Sure a diamond is forever, but this copy of 'Dianetics'
will change your eternity"

"Uh, you know that movie 'Brokeback Mountain'..."

"Hmm, I thought IHOP would be busier"

"Mom, dad, meet my new boyfriend, Ayman Al-Zawahiri"

"Wait, Valentine's Day is in February this year?"

"I gave you the wrong necklace, honey -- that one's for my
mistress"

[From the Late Show with David Letterman]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Parents: You can't live with them... You don't exist without 'em."

"I'd rather be in no man's land than yes man's land."

"Coffee is liquid motivation."

"Nakedness is the only fashion that never goes out of style."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
~~ Otto von Bismarck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!

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If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link or a
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon, collectibles,
and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2007 by Shane and Associates