FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 28
Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 28 September 29, 2006
What a week! Just so busy these days, finding time to send email
is problematic plus I know its time to update the Halloween page
so if you have a favorite Halloween link I should add or if anyone
finds a broken link here please let me know. Thanks!
http://bluesbaby.8k.com/Halloween.html
Warning, if you do not automatically upload your security patches
from Microsoft (or even if you do) you may want to check this out.
It's a "special" security update from the people who provide your
browser if you use Internet Explorer:
http://news.com.com/Microsoft+rushes+out+critical+fix/2100-1002-6119752.html
If you are anything like I am, you want to peruse the
headlines and look at a few articles. This site offers
what they call "Stories Worth Talking About By 9am".
http://www.radaronline.com/thedailysift/2006/09/stories-worth-talking-about-by-9-am-3.php
Want to know more about alternative fuels?
http://www.eere.energy.gov/afdc/
Want to know more about high cholesterol?
http://www.walgreens.com/library/careguides/28/default.jsp
This week two journalists were sentenced to jail terms for
invoking First Amendment rights re steroid use. Now I could
maybe understand if the drug was cocaine or heroin but for
protecting sources for steroid use . . . puh-leeze. Just
another example of our rights going to hell in a handbasket!
http://www.ifex.org/en/content/view/full/77296/
Weekly journal of science
http://www.nature.com/nature/index.html
More science
http://www.science.gov/
Ever wondered about what's really in hair coloring, Silly Putty,
Cheese Wiz, artificial snow, or self-tanners? C&EN presents a
collection of articles that gives you a look at the chemistry
behind a wide variety of everyday products.
http://pubs.acs.org/cen/whatstuff/stuff.html
Who knew you could buy all this from vending machines? These
are all in Japan.
http://www.photomann.com/japan/machines/index.htm
Advertising on post cards wasn't a bad idea. But like anything
else, it can be done well or badly. You may not believe how
badly. Check out these examples:
http://www.tackymail.com/html/badvertising.htm
Also check out bad album covers for a laugh
http://www.zonicweb.net/badalbmcvrs/index.htm
"The International Air Guitar Championships are going on in
Finland. I hear the winner gets an imaginary check of $1
million." ~~ Jay Leno
To get ready for next year, learn to play air guitar on this cool site
http://www.mirrorimage.com/air/index.html
Did you celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day last week?
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html
Prank celebrity phone calls
http://ebaumsworld.com/morepranks.shtml
Try one of these quizzes:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsuperheroareyouquiz/
http://www.guesswhichmovie.com/
Science quizzes here:
http://www.explorit.org/quiz.html
Do you love those vanity plates? Check out this gallery:
http://www.coolpl8z.com/
Is he a schmuck? You can play out your break up fantasies here:
http://www.doodie.com/relationship_breakup_e.php
Click here: ARE YOU READY???
http://home.valornet.com/sabruf2/countchr.html
Awesome free game sites this week:
http://hallpass.com/channel/games
http://www.addictinggames.com/classic.html
http://www.amusingflashgames.com/
http://www.themic921.com/cc-common/mainheadlines3.html?feed=104677&article=684365
http://www.wheelhousecreative.co.uk/games/pages/toaster/index.php
Jigsaw puzzles online - interactive
http://www.jigzone.com/
Not exactly a game but kind of fun, make your own freeway sign,
http://www.kurumi.com/roads/signmaker/signmaker.html
FURIOUS GEORGE is a thrilling web-based adventure in which a
curious little monkey commits horrific crimes against humanity!
http://furious-george.net/
Rice Recipes from Around the World
http://www.ricegourmet.com/Recipes.htm
More recipes
http://www.walgreens.com/library/recipe/default.jsp?ec=hn259_recipefile
On to the chuckles:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers
with news. ~~ AJ Liebling
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Terrible traffic gridlock in Manhattan today. I don't know if you
know the reason, but it's because dozens of world leaders are in
town at the United Nations today. France sent President Jacques
Chirac, Canada sent Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and Mexico
sent the five guys who aren't already here." ~~ Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know
you'll grow out of it. ~~ Doris Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"All the groups [on Survivor] are divided by race and they
have to fight against each other. Didn't we do this already?
It was called the L.A. riots." ~~ Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I have some good news for out-of-towners. The crime rate in
New York City has never been lower. All the criminals are
stuck in traffic." ~~ David Letterman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind
than in the one where they sprang up. ~~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Writings On the Wall
It is ironic that the irony hardly ever involves iron.
I have a photographic memory. It's just that sometimes I misplace
the camera.
My friends call me a double-crosser. I am obsessive-compulsive;
sometimes making the sign of the cross only once is not enough.
There is more than one way to judge a book by its cover.
Violence is not the answer. Unless the question is "an eight-letter
word starting with V and ending with E with L and E in the middle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am such a coffee lover that:
I answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after me.
The only kitchen appliances I own are made by Mr. Coffee.
I get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
I get a speeding ticket even when I`m parked.
I speed walk in my sleep.
I soak my dentures in coffee overnight.
My coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
I introduce my spouse as my coffeemate.
I think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
My first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** Things teachers would like to write on a student's report card **
1. Since my last report, the student has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. This student has delusions of adequacy.
4. The student sets low personal standards and then occasionally
fails to achieve them.
5. Student has been working with glue too much.
6. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
7. Student has a photogenic memory but the lens cover is glued on.
8. The 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.'
9. If you give the student a penny for his/her thoughts, you would
get change.
10. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUOTES FROM THE FIFTIES
Here are some quotes from people in the US during the
1950's... Oh, how times have changed!
1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way
they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks
groceries for $20."
2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It
won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging
a dime just to mail a letter?"
5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything.
Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family
business or farm."
6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be
able to hire outside help at the store."
7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas
would someday cost 40 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better
off leaving the car in the garage."
8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make
it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys
will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
9) "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The
Clock' thing is nothing but racket."
10) "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent
cigar."
11) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's
possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing
for it down in Texas."
12) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't
surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the
president."
13) "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of
the country?"
14) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen
appliances would be electric. They are even making electric
typewriters now."
15) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where
some married women are having to work to make ends meet."
16) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have
to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
17) "I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to
me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."
18) "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women
to wear slacks to their service?"
19) "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying
us to not grow crops."
20). "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the
Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes
wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
21). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter
to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be
different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
22) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for
a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
23) "Anymore no one can afford to be sick; $35 a day in the
hospital is too rich for my blood."
24) "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across
the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace
trains."
25) "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of
coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
26). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget
it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
27) "We won't be going out much anymore. Our sitter informed
us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on
trees."
28) "Cars that dim their lights by sensors, automatic trans-
missions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will
drive themselves."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told
him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first
thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-
pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by
their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown
in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only --
Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.
Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Computer Maladies
If you are half as worried as I am about infecting your computer
with something, you should avoid these sites like the plague,
virtually speaking.
1. www.e-flu.com
2. www.PC-herpes.net
3. www.computerAIDS.com
4. www.virtualmeningitis.com
5. www.e-lymedisease.org
6. www.PC-Parkinsons.com
7. www.digitalcrabs.com
8. www.Killa[shark]bytes.net
9. www.MicrosoftMontezumasRevenge.us
10. www.digitaldiarrhea.com
11. www.Encephalitis.OS-X.info
12. www.MadCowOnYourGateway.uk
13. www.GonorrheaVersion5.0.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Perfect Dress
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be
the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm
wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another
gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You
really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses
that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of
auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much
lower."
My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an
airline just to get free peanuts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old, Billy, was utterly
amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing
in his mom's tummy.
So, one day, when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy
to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.
But, when he did, the baby was suddenly still.
"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged Mary.
"A nap"? Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-
in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned
to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter
attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd
have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.
"How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded,"
Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to Mike. . .
There is a higher power online..meet iGod ... he will answer all
your questions (whether it makes sense, is another thing)
http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Erin for this proof the world is nuts:
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a
male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different in reverse?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must
be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.!
(Now THAT is far worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in
any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room
to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was
a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? .... Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall consumes 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of??? ... did the government pay for
this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last .....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to my sister for this one
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those ..@!.. kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset
rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate
them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry
ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you
know they'll enjoy it too....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Andrea for this one:
YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE New York WOMEN!!
A woman from New York and another woman were seated
side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New York,
being friendly and all, said: So, where are you from?"
The other woman said, "From a place where they know
better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The woman from New York sat quietly for a moment
and then replied: "So, where are you from, bitch?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to Andrea for this news story with a moral:
Barbara Walters of 2ø/2ø (USA-ABC Televisiøn) did a støry
in Kabul, Afghanistan øn gender røles, several years before
the Afghan cønflict. She nøted that wømen customarily
walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently
returned tø Kabul and øbserved that wømen still walk
behind their husbands.From Ms. Walters's vantage point,
despite the øverthrow of the øppressive Taliban régime,
the wømen nøw seem to walk even further back behind
their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custøm.
Ms. Walters apprøached øne of the Afghan wømen and
asked "Why dø yøu nøw seem happy with the øld custøm
that yøu ønce tried sø desperately tø change?"
The wøman løøked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and
withøut hesitatiøn said "Land mines."
MøRAL øF THE STøRY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WøMAN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz
Thanks and have a great week!
Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates
posted by Bluesbaby at 11:23 AM
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