FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 27

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 27 September 11, 2006

I am not going to join the masses of emails and media
coverage on the 9-11 tragedy and the dreadful new
docudramas that have been all over the news but
instead hope to lighten your spirits today.

Well it's back to school and I am settling in a new temp
job with a highway construction and landscaping firm.
Plus the part time job is increasing in scope and hours.

I am busier than ever, but the email is piling up so
here is Fun On the Web so that I can delete some of
these emails and not risk rejecting any more of them.
I figure we can all use a laugh so there are quite a few
new ones here but first, the cool stuff I found online:

Compare prescription drug prices for 1,000+ medications.
You'll also see online pharmacy ratings and shipping fees
so you can compare total costs.
http://www.pharmacychecker.com/

Amazon now sells groceries!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/browse.html/ref=gro_surl_grocery/?node=16310101

Not Martha has some fabulous gingerbread house ideas
http://www.notmartha.org/archive/2006_09_01_index.html#115708476937738346

More pictures of it here:
http://www.syndic8.com/~jeff/blog/?p=368

Martha also points the way to some other great sites
like this one that helps you hang pictures
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ny/how-to/how-to-hang-your-artwork-and-not-screw-it-up-006174

and has very cool redecorating ideas for most of us
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/

More for those who are decorating:
http://www.ux1.eiu.edu/~cfcek2/text/modernlinks.html#blogs

If you haven't checked out all the sites and services Google
has to offer lately you can do it here:
http://www.google.com/intl/en/options/

For those out east we should check out this market and
eatery when I come to visit, but for the rest of us there
is an online catalog of Italian delicacies available:
http://www.dibruno.com/

Entitled 10 Things to know this blog actually shows 12
awesome things everyone needs to know now at work:
http://blog.guykawasaki.com/2006/08/ten_things_to_l.html

With Halloween coming up we will see more scary movies
everywhere. Here are some great guideline for parents
(or grandparents) excerpted from an article titled "Can
My Kid See A Scary Movie?" by Liz Perle. She is the editor-
in-chief of Common Sense Media.
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/

Age Appropriate Guidelines for Scary Movies
Every child is different, but here are some helpful tips:

Ages 2-4: Nothing scarier than “boo” for this age unless
you want nightmares.

Ages 5-7: Spooky cartoon situations with haunted houses
and friendly ghosts are fine but peril involving parents,
siblings, or similar-aged kids is not. Kids at this age still
can’t easily recognize situations as fantasy, so they will
respond as if what they are seeing is real. Be very careful
with monsters, skeletons, aliens, and zombies.

Ages 8-10: Some psychological suspense with happy
endings is OK, as is physical jeopardy, ghoulish faces,
and phantoms as long as there is no blood or gore.

Ages 11-12: Kids can handle some dramatic suspense as
long as it the resolution is clear and positive. Skeletons,
monsters, aliens - bring it on! (Just not with blood or gore.)

Ages 13-15: Dramatic or psychological suspense and
horror are okay (although careful with the supernatural
and no graphic gore). Think Stephen King, though, not
The Hills Have Eyes.

Ages 16+: It all depends on your stomach. Frankly, I
can’t imagine an age when movies like The Omen remake
would be appropriate.

Multi player games online. All multiplayer games are free
and do not require a download. Play as a guest
or register as a regular player.
http://games.arcamax.com/multiGame.htm?code=110297140&RefId=3008
http://games.arcamax.com/multiGame.htm?code=110355440&RefId=3008

Play hangman
http://www.arcamax.com/games/hangman

Or free sudoku online
http://www.arcamax.com/sudoku

I know people who are into World of Warcraft but does
anyone do this? According to Second Life (it) "is a 3-D
virtual world entirely built and owned by its residents.
Since opening to the public in 2003, it has grown . . ."
(to). . . "270,946 people from around the globe." The
next question is, are you spending beyond the monthly
fee? Second Life says (it) "has a fully-integrated
economy architected to reward risk, innovation, and
craftsmanship" with businesses, a currency exchange,
and a real estate market.
http://secondlife.com/

For more on their booming economy check out this

article in Business Week. http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/06_18/b3982001.htm

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush.
He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush
said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I
think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'"
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower
third of the country. In other words, geographically,
America has a fat ass."~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Germany has offered to send troops to the Lebanon
border. I bet Israel's breathing a sigh of relief there.
Nothing makes Jewish people feel safer and more secure
than the German Army marching on their border."
~~ Jay Leno

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President
Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down
the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to
a game of 'Hungry Hungry Hippos.'" ~~ Conan O'Brien

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There's a recent study about human behavior and
apparently, women are capable of making decisions about
the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions
often made without any rational thought. Yep and that's
why we're in Iraq." ~~ David Letterman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The Republicans have a new talking point on Iraq. It's
about time they got one. The new one is: 'If we don't
fight them there, they'll follow us home.' There's a
representative -- a Republican named Curt Weldon --
who said we either fight them over there or we fight
them here in our supermarkets. Have you ever been to
that Ralph's on Sunset at 3 in the morning? I don't
think al Qaeda has the guts." ~~ Bill Maher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently, the nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron
Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A
spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion
profit last year, says the new company will be called
'Bend Over, America!' ~~ Dennis Miller

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference
is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist
the hole!" ~~ Oscar Wilde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable
planet to put it on?" ~~ Henry David Thoreau

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as
well be happy." ~~ Cynthia Nelms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on
and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?"

~~ Bobby Kelton

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't
know what it's a plan for." ~~ Fred Hoyle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writings On the Wall

Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.

There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither
one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative in the same night

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."

"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher.

"Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says little Johnny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting. I went to the store the
other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When
I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
giving a Senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called
him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a dog turd. He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked
around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm almost
retired. It's important at my age.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist
could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.

One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to
pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual
Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin'
dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist
and the dog out in a boat duck hunting.

This he did. They got out into the middle of the lake, and
the Optimist shot down a duck...the dog immediately walked
out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back
to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said,

"What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home
received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care
of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked
again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly
explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever
had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid
they're all wondering where I went."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center
and rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy
had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain
there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger
at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you
hear me? "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty
young blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why
don't you just put it in park?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program
and the imaginary woes of people you have never met? Wife:
For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you
don't know makes a touchdown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lewis' brother decided that he wanted to expand the line
of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France
to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being
his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some
manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought
would sell well back home in the States.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small
bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine,
he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that
the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in
the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to
his table, asked him something in French (which he did
not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He
invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English,
but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of
minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it
to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took
another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food
on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a
quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She
nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the
cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew
a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea
how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't
know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones
who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car
onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else
is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the
parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and
landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys
could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him
out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids
whatever they wanted.

The first kid said,"I sure would like to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force

One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan's."

Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a
built-inTV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't
look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your
butt from drowning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for these:

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names
on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-
fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I
just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we
could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize
you haven't fallen a sleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think
that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something called labour!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember ! A Friend Is Like A Good
Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always

Close To Your Heart!

This should be written in large font so we can read it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one:

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the
smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Italian Boy's Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

”Yes, Father, it is."

”And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or
later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

”Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,

Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and
have to atone. You cannot attend church services for four
months. Now go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino slides
over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

”Four months vacation and five good leads."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Andrea for this one:

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question
if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern
small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me.

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you.

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know the defense attorney.

She again replied, "Why, yes,I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him. The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench
and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks
her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
If you know someone who would enjoy my newsletter,
please send it to them, complete with my e-mail address
so that they can subscribe.

If you would like a free subscription, send an e-mail to
bluesbaby.us@gmail.com with subscribe in the subject line.

If you missed an issue or would like to refer back to a link
or a funny, I am in the process of adding the back issues
to an archive here: http://more-blues.blogspot.com/

If you would prefer I remove you from my mailing please
respond with unsubscribe in the subject line.

Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates