FUN on the WEB vol 5 issue 23

Fun on the weekly web and other chuckles
Volume 5 Issue 23 July 10, 2006

OK, ok I never did get this out in June but here it is.

Still recovering from my weekend adventure to Tomah.
I did a large jewelry show there, met some great people
and learned a lot. The next attempt will be closer to home.

I was having trouble with my internet connection so that
interfered with my ability to be online but they came
out here on Sunday so I hope that fixes it all. Of course
I couldn't put all the jewelry back till they were done so
the living room looked like some jewelry store exploded
in it for a while. Just about the time I got it put away I
sold a piece on eBay so now I have to look for and store
all those pieces in a more accessible spot.

Thanks to Mike for this great site with a simplistic but
brilliant way of looking at the budget
http://www.truemajority.org/oreos/

Very cool birthday facts for you all
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

Free comprehensive Astrology site
http://www.astrology-online.com/

He has more cool stuff too
http://www.paulsadowski.com/

Whether you need a flag or an airport code this site delivers
http://www.brainyatlas.com/

Wow what a great scam site
http://www.scam.com/

This is a super freebie site with plenty to offer
http://www.clevermoms.com/

While being careful what you sign up for and how much
info you give away there is lots of cool free stuff here:
http://www.justfreestuff.com/

An amazing artist I found ONAWHIM
http://www.violettesfolkart.com/

Original art coloring pages to print
http://www.onawhim.us/kidszone_nonflash.html

Fray was born in the early days of the web. Each story has
been hand crafted. This site is on hiatus but the archive
is rich with personal stories. Quite interesting reading!
http://fray.com/index-old.shtml

Food, travel and shopping (sounds like my kind of site)
http://www.sallys-place.com/

Found great blog sites on specific topics
http://www.singleservecoffee.com/
http://kitchencontraptions.com/
http://criticalgamers.com/
http://justthechips.com/
http://fastfoodfever.com/

Holy cow a power lunch with Warren Buffet on eBay! How
high did it go?
http://cgi.ebay.com/Warren-Buffett-Power-Lunch-to-Benefit-Glide-Foundation_W0QQitemZ6639163837QQihZ012QQcategoryZ16071QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

In looking at that I discovered a whole realm of eBay I
never knew was there. Check out tickets here:
http://tickets.ebay.com/

Are you a Superman fan? Look at the website before the
new movie comes out for great downloads (stationary,
stickers, iron on transfers, & wallpaper)
http://supermanreturns.warnerbros.com/

Want to check out the new TV shows? Try these:
http://www.thefutoncritic.com/
http://www.tv.com/
http://www.imdb.com/
http://www.tvguide.com/
http://www.tvgasm.com/
http://www.allyourtv.com/
http://www.zap2it.com/

Thanks to Andrea for these great angel postcards (free)
http://www.sharisangels.com/sendcard/index.php

On to the chuckles:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of,
he always declares that it is his duty."
~~ George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"People want economy and they will pay any price to get it."
~~ Lee Iacocca

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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly,
and lie about your age.
~~ Lucille Ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that
one can be designated driver."~~ Jay Leno

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It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes
you happy.
~~ Lucille Ball

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The irony of life is that by the time you're old enough to
know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the
rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of
His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When
the angel returned he went to God and said,"Yes, it's
true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but
5% are being good."

God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% that
were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give
them a little something to help them keep going. Do
you know what the e-mail said?........Okay, I was just
wondering..... I didn't get one either...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Choir Positions Open

Found in an actual church bulletin

Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others
need apply.

PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry
light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must
have sufficient vision to see the director.

EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from
persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the

bathtub or shower at some time.

BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the
service of God.

FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the

security of social fellowship with other choir members.

HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday
mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes
getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the
sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play
the notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some doubt He wrote it by Himself.
6. He may have created the world, but what has he done
since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use
human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up
by drowning the subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read
the Book."
11. Some say He had His son teach class.
12. He expelled His first two students.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on
a mountain top.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all students
failed save His Son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's
one day, we passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a

prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to
my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat, I heard his earnest request, "Please, God,
don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and
almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey
my friend, how come you look like the whole world has
caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago,
an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars."

"That's not bad at all...!"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a
cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-
thousand, tax-free to boot."

"Well, that's great! I'd like that."

"Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost
a million."

"So why are so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Mike for these:

Latest Gig request...

Dear *** and band,

My wife and I look forward to you providing music at our
daughter's wedding. We have a list of songs we would like
you to play. Don't worry if you don't know all of them.
Any Chick Corea composition would be great, but we would
especially like you to play "The Three Quartets, No.1" as
the guests walk in. For the bride's mother, please go
right into the piano intro to "Quartet No. 2."

Keep playing it till she gets up to the altar. Also, have
it arranged for the full ensemble. Don't play any of the
"Electric Band" songs. Make sure the drummer uses "Evans"
drum heads so his drums sound like Steve Gadd, our favorite
drummer. Now, when I walk in, please play "Birdland" (but
the version from "Live"). My wife and I were at that show,
and we particularly like it. If you find it too difficult,
you can play "Sister Cheryl" from "Tony Williams Live in
Tokyo."

Now, for the song in the middle of the Mass during the
communion, we want the singer to sing Alan Holdsworth's
"Against the Clock" from his "Wardenclyffe Tower" CD.
We love this song and especially the drum solo by Vinnie
Colaiuta. We think that it's his greatest solo, although
some will argue against this. Keep repeating the drum solo
till the priest tells you to stop. Any of John Coltrane's
duets w/Pharaoh Sanders would be grand. I understand
that their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea,
but all of our guests LOVE high register tenor saxes.

We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast
would be nice. We particularly like the "Infernal Dance",
or whatever it's called, from the Rite of Spring (second
version c. 1932). If you want to use the sheet music,
that's OK. We like a tempo of about 93 (Ozawa). Faster
would be cool, too, but don't play it too slow. That
would ruin it.

Next, for the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please
play Frank Zappa's "The Black Page." If you want to
play it in the original key of Bb minor, that would be
fine, but my cousin Janeen would like to sing it, so
you may have to play that part in another key (she
majored in voice at UCLA).

During the cocktail hour, we want some nice Keith
Jarrett tunes from his "Standard Vol. 1 and 2" And,
feel free to take things out as far as you like. When
my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a
little of Varese's "Ionization"? It's such a cool piece.
We think it would go over really well: it's much better
than "The Stripper."

Now, for the bride and groom's first dance, please slow
things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio for Strings."
It's so much better than "We've Only just Begun" or "The
Anniversary Waltz." When my wife and I join in the first
dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby,
My Dear"? That's in honor of my wife's grandmother,
Whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the

family. Then, we would like to hear some nice Mexican

music while we eat dinner. We love the sound of Los

Ponchos, so any of their hits would be great.

Thanks very much for all your help. We'll certainly be
happy to recommend your band to all of our friends. We
thought that $50.00 per man for 4 hours would be
sufficient. So that's $350.00 for the entire group. If
you get our guests dancing, I will throw in an extra
$50.00. So, get 'em dancing. We want you to be set up
TWO HOURS before your start time @ 5:00 pm., and
do not be late.

We don't want to see any cases, bags, coats, boxes,
cables, wires, or any unnecessary clutter on the stage
or within view of the guests. Play 1 hour and then take
a break of no more than 10 minutes, but don't forget, to
leave the guitar player or the piano player playing while
the rest of the Band breaks. Absolutely no drinking! In
fact, we don't even want to see the musicians near the
bar or food tables.

Also, NO TALKING ON STAGE!! Go outside quietly
where no one can see you. Of course, no smoking anywhere.
Someone will be watching you on your breaks to make
sure you don't consume any alcohol. Before you leave,
please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich (or, a
"bandwich" as you people call them). And, perhaps a soda
to take with you. Oh, and one more thing . . . . and this
is very important. In between songs, we don't want to hear
any musicians practicing "licks," or running up and down
high speed scales. Nothing sounds worse than hearing
musicians all "fooling around" at the same time. I believe
you people like to call it "noodling." or something like that.
But, it is a terrible habit. It's very unprofessional. You
don't hear the members of the Berlin Philharmonic
"noodling around" between movements. . . .right?

We look forward to hearing you play.

Sincerely,

Lily and Franco Devencztovich
The Bride's Parents

Sent: Wednesday, May 17, 2006 3:36 PM
Subject: Re: DEAR MR. BANDLEADER

Dear Lily and Frank, Bride's Parents:

Thank you for your bestowing on us the honor of playing
at your daughter's wedding. We think the tunes you have
asked for will present no problem whatsoever. We actually
only know three numbers all the way through, "Marzey
Doats", "Gimme a Pigfoot and a Bucket of Beer", and "Achy
Breaky Heart" but I'm sure we'll be able to vary them a bit
so they'll fit all your requests. A plus is that, as at least
your guests will be allowed to drink, they'll be so smashed
they won't know the difference. We'll play 'em good and
loud, too. Don't worry about us drinking - we never touch
the stuff. Of course we're glad you mentioned nothing about
dope as we are all addicts and frequently shoot up on the
stand. You will also enjoy our unique dress code for
weddings, inspired by the 'Stones. We would like to reserve
the right to install the bride's garter, as when we get good
and high you never know what will happen. Nothing wrong
with a little "Rite of First Night", as they say. If your
daughter is a little shy, her mother will do just fine.

About the money, or bread, as we musicians like to say,
the $350 is OK but there are a couple of extras involved,
like social security, retirement, severance pay, medical
insurance, instrument insurance, contract administrative
costs and union dues. This will bring the total to
$2,786.76. I know these little extras are a nuisance, but
with all the bread (there it is again !) you'll be saving
by not feeding us (we musicians only get to eat at gigs,
especially the homeless ones without girl friends (or,
Chicks, as we like to call them) it shouldn't hurt your
wallet much. So we're really looking forward to
entertaining you.

OH! One more thing: should we check our guns and razors
at the door, or is it OK to bring 'em in?
Sincerely,

***, The Bandleader

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she
took it to the veterinarian. The vet discovered that the
problem was hair in the dogs ears, so he cleaned both ears
and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted
to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and
get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears
once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair

remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're
going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for
a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't
shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you
must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

White House Breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast
at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney
what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of
oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight
grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only
been in your second term of office for a year!

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush
and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The
nurse starts with certain basic items."How much do
you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her
weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures
5' 5". She then takes her blood pressure and tells
the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams,"When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to Kim for this one:

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in
a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I
w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your
speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids,
iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said
the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them."
said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.
"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen
more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers
y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more
Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week.
Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come
to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell,
a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do
youw-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor
d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to
you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this, not a joke but worth reading

I am such a firm believer in this one - Life is too short and
our journey is not long enough - Enjoy and God Bless -

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy
just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on
their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid
to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the
Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night
in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a
little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their
husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after
something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration"
mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in
silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How
about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and
stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is
dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast,
It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday."
She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend
to schedule our headaches... We live on a sparse diet of
promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are
perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get
Steve toilet-trained We'll entertain when we replace the
living-room carpet.

We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more
kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days
get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets
longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our
lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday,
when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is
open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an
open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious.

You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade
your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator
for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice
cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my
stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.
The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker.
If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have
died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT
to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were
going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call and what would you say? And why are
you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand
why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round
or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun
into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next
hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your
haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to
say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an
unopened gift....Thrown away....

Life is not a race! Take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.

It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much
you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.
If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle
of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and
appreciate all you do.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are
here we might as well dance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to my sister for this one too:

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books
on the subject and finally getting all the necessary
tools together, she headed for the ice. After positioning
her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured
a cup out of her thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut
yet another hole.

Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more
and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,"IS THAT YOU
LORD?"

The voice replied , "NO..................................
THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed my fun on the web this week!
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Don't forget to check out my jewelry, vintage Avon,
collectibles, and other gift items on eBay! Thanks!
http://stores.ebay.com/Jewelry-Avon-and-all-that-Jazz

Thanks and have a great week!

Copyright 2006 by Shane and Associates